58 days till the 'possible' wedding- how do i earn his trust back?!

[lilmissp]

I'm so lost. I have no idea what to do.

2 weeks ago, my fiance logged onto my facebook (we share all passwords) and found private messages to a freind from over sea's. They where mostly tame, talking about his gf, what we had for breakfast even...then one night when he was drunk he wrote me one saying...

 

"If you where here right now id ravage you.." The followig morning there was another one saying "Oh my god. Im so sorry. I got drunk last night and wrote to many stupid things on ppls facebooks, i hope i havent ruined our freindship that would be the last thing id want"

 

I foolishly wrote back

 

"Well you had your chance, i was just there! lol no dont stress, if anything im flatered...dont worry about it. So...."

 

From that my fiance thought i was having an online relationship, he now believes me (i think) that there was no feelings there (who ever believes differently on this forum is fine- i know how it looks, BUT i know within myself my own feelings. It was meerly a confidence boost if anything more) but he now has lost ALL trust in me. Which is completely understandble. He resents me slightly, and has no trust in me.

 

This is all fine and completely understandable, and im more than willing and wanting to regain this trust with him, im looking forward to showing him he can trust me again. I cant wait for that day.

 

However, we have a wedding booked and paid for that is to happen in 58 days. He's said to me " theres no way he'll marry some one he doesnt trust, and theres no way he'll f*ckin trust me within 2 months time" but he hasnt called off or postponed the wedding. When i ask him what he wants to do, he says its the last thing he's thinking about at the moment. He's focusing on the relationship and what he wants to happen there before the wedding or anything else...I can understand that, but i dont know why he wont cancel or go ahead? we dont have much time and theres more people affected than us, we have family from over sea's and interstate booking accomodation and flights etc. I dont want to push him though. I brought up the idea of postponing and he didnt respond, and he said last night to keep putting payments towards paying the wedding debt off into another account (rather than actually paying it- until he decides what he wants to do) so to me, he doesnt want to cancel. he still has hope but doesnt know 110% if he does want to go through with it.

 

On another note, he was thinking about breaking off the hole relationship over this- wedding, engagment relationship everything, he said if we wernt engaged he would have walked. Only 3 nights ago he decided he does want to stay in the relationship and work on it rather than break everything off. But he wants to see me work for his trust back. Which im willing, ive been overly affectionate, reminding him all the time that i love him and couldnt live with out him, reasuring him in other ways, making dinners, cleaning for him, trying my hardest just to show him i AM willing to work to get him back to feeling the same way for me. What else can i do?

 

And on a side note, he's gotten reall dominating...i think its subconcious because when i bring it up he says he doesnt realise he's being like that, or being nasty or rough but he is. I understand he's going to feel resentment and hurt and anger towards me for a while but its hard to bite my tongue to please him when he's started saying things like "No, you do my dishes" to what i respond with "no, why should i? i'm not your slave or maid" he then replied "Because your my woman....your very cheeky for some one who is trying to save a relationship" Even though ive done wrong im scared i wont be able to take this attitude for long, i have done wrong but that doesnt mean im now in debt to him, that when he says jump i say 'how high, how many times and how long for?'

 

any advice would be fantastic. I really want to go ahead with this wedding. i knwo within myself i want to be with this man for the rest of my life...i just cant read him at the moment. i dont know what he wants or what MORE i can do to regain trust. im closing my facebook account by the way.

 

Thanks.

[RouRou]

I'm so lost. I have no idea what to do.

2 weeks ago, my fiance logged onto my facebook (we share all passwords) and found private messages to a freind from over sea's. They where mostly tame, talking about his gf, what we had for breakfast even...then one night when he was drunk he wrote me one saying...

 

"If you where here right now id ravage you.." The followig morning there was another one saying "Oh my god. Im so sorry. I got drunk last night and wrote to many stupid things on ppls facebooks, i hope i havent ruined our freindship that would be the last thing id want"

 

I foolishly wrote back

 

"Well you had your chance, i was just there! lol no dont stress, if anything im flatered...dont worry about it. So...."

 

From that my fiance thought i was having an online relationship, he now believes me (i think) that there was no feelings there (who ever believes differently on this forum is fine- i know how it looks, BUT i know within myself my own feelings. It was meerly a confidence boost if anything more) but he now has lost ALL trust in me. Which is completely understandble. He resents me slightly, and has no trust in me.

 

This is all fine and completely understandable, and im more than willing and wanting to regain this trust with him, im looking forward to showing him he can trust me again. I cant wait for that day.

 

However, we have a wedding booked and paid for that is to happen in 58 days. He's said to me " theres no way he'll marry some one he doesnt trust, and theres no way he'll f*ckin trust me within 2 months time" but he hasnt called off or postponed the wedding. When i ask him what he wants to do, he says its the last thing he's thinking about at the moment. He's focusing on the relationship and what he wants to happen there before the wedding or anything else...I can understand that, but i dont know why he wont cancel or go ahead? we dont have much time and theres more people affected than us, we have family from over sea's and interstate booking accomodation and flights etc. I dont want to push him though. I brought up the idea of postponing and he didnt respond, and he said last night to keep putting payments towards paying the wedding debt off into another account (rather than actually paying it- until he decides what he wants to do) so to me, he doesnt want to cancel. he still has hope but doesnt know 110% if he does want to go through with it.

 

On another note, he was thinking about breaking off the hole relationship over this- wedding, engagment relationship everything, he said if we wernt engaged he would have walked. Only 3 nights ago he decided he does want to stay in the relationship and work on it rather than break everything off. But he wants to see me work for his trust back. Which im willing, ive been overly affectionate, reminding him all the time that i love him and couldnt live with out him, reasuring him in other ways, making dinners, cleaning for him, trying my hardest just to show him i AM willing to work to get him back to feeling the same way for me. What else can i do?

 

And on a side note, he's gotten reall dominating...i think its subconcious because when i bring it up he says he doesnt realise he's being like that, or being nasty or rough but he is. I understand he's going to feel resentment and hurt and anger towards me for a while but its hard to bite my tongue to please him when he's started saying things like "No, you do my dishes" to what i respond with "no, why should i? i'm not your slave or maid" he then replied "Because your my woman....your very cheeky for some one who is trying to save a relationship" Even though ive done wrong im scared i wont be able to take this attitude for long, i have done wrong but that doesnt mean im now in debt to him, that when he says jump i say 'how high, how many times and how long for?'

 

any advice would be fantastic. I really want to go ahead with this wedding. i knwo within myself i want to be with this man for the rest of my life...i just cant read him at the moment. i dont know what he wants or what MORE i can do to regain trust. im closing my facebook account by the way.

 

Thanks.

 

 

The same thing has happened to me with my bf, when we first got together his ex kept trying to win him back, she would call and text and then called and text me as well. I ended up snooping on his phone all the time to see if they were talking, he found out that I snooped and I ruined jhis trust, ever since he treats me like crap, no respect for me, he says he wants to break up, yet he still refers to me as his gf and wants to buy a house together and wont tell anyone we are over...but the treatment he gives sucks...My situation is different but kind of the same in the sense that I broke his trust and now he walks on me...I also dont know how much I can take...

 

I really feel for you and hope this situation gets better...I dont have advise as Im in the same boat but I thought it might help to know your not alone.

[lilmissp]

Hi RouRou,

 

Thanks so much for your reply. Your right, it does mean a lot to know some one else is going through a similar situation. I just wish this all happened after marriage. I dont want to loose my engagment to him. I'm all for him, i just wish he could believe that- but i have tot ake into account most of the things i say dont say truth to him at the moment.

 

As for your situation, i dont understand why your partner is upset. Me and my fiance share all our passwrds and if i ever found him going through my phone it wouldnt bother me at all, and visa versa. As far as im concerned the only reason some one would be upset about snooping is if they had something to hide...which ironicaly is what i tried to tell me fiance- if it was as scandalous as he thinks i would have changed my password. I think your partner is going a bit far. relationships should be open. just me though, you might have a non snooping agreement or something...

 

My fiance is already starting to let himself be happy with me again, and my situation i believe is worse than yours, so if mine has hope, im sure yours will be fine. It all comes down to the two parties. If you both want it to work as much as the other it will, no matter what.

 

Best of luck. xxx

[FreddieMay]

Hi lilmissp,

 

I don't really understand your situation, from my point of view, you did nothing wrong. I believe your reply to your friend message was a joke, nothing serious. Its not like you wrote a love letter to that guy!! I don't understand why your fiance made a big deal out of it.

Are you sure there's nothing else ? or he's just nervous about the wedding ?

[lilmissp]

Hi lilmissp,

 

I don't really understand your situation, from my point of view, you did nothing wrong. I believe your reply to your friend message was a joke, nothing serious. Its not like you wrote a love letter to that guy!! I don't understand why your fiance made a big deal out of it.

Are you sure there's nothing else ? or he's just nervous about the wedding ?

 

Hi Freddie, thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

If i've left anything out it may seem more innocent than it is...No i didnt write him a love letter, but it was flirtasious, he'd say some flirty things to me and instead of saying 'im engaged you need to stop' and just laugh at him and talk about somethign else...i used it to stroke me ego instead of ending it. thats what i should have done.

My 'fiance'? is upset because i didnt tell him. He said im deceitful and untrustworthy. My fiance is HUGE on trust, as all couples should be, and i am too...but i just didnt think to tell him...what am i going to say - "theres a guy whose sending my private messages on facebook, who is flirting with me, im not taking it seriously but i am taking it as a stroke to my ego" Actually i probably should have said that. but i was scared.

 

I can see where he's coming from because id be upset if he didnt stop something like that between another woman and him- but im just disapointed that (i dont even know if i have the right to be) that he was willing to 'wash his hands clean of us' i think- we're practically married already, when married couples come into a hard time they sit down and talk, not walk away...

 

I just dont know. He's come around, he's finally decided he does want to stay together and work on rebuilding our relationship but he still doesnt know about the wedding...

 

im sorry im rambling, theres just so many thoughts on my mind at the moment...

 

My brother says he's lying if he's never been hit on and has run with it for an ego stroke. He said it doesnt mean he liked her or wanted her, but he just liked the attention- but i asked my partner and he said never, not since we've been engaged...

 

Thanks for responding.

[FreddieMay]

lilmissp,

 

I think your brother is right. I just think little flirtious encounter online are harmless, but everyone has different views about this, i guess.

 

If he's not sure about the wedding, wouldn't u think its better put it on hold for awhile ?? as you said, many people are effected by it, hotels reservation, flights, etc ?? maybe the sooner the better, since they have penalty for hotel cancellation if its done close to the check-in time ??

What if he change his mind.. lets say.. err .. a day before the wedding ??

[AlektraClementine]

It's only "harmless" if no one gets hurt.

 

I'm in your fiance's shoes. I found flirtatious messages between him and other women. He too, needed ego boosting. Trouble is, when someone "needs" that kind of ego boosting outside the relationship, you are essentially telling your fiance that he's not enough for you.

 

I postponed setting the wedding date. I refuse, as your fiance does, to marry someone who A) I don't trust and B) needs ego validation outside of me.

 

Advice? Hard to say. Does he have all of your passwords? In other words, is your online activity now completely transparent to him? Some people won't agree that you need to do this, but I'll tell you from your fiance's perspective, he doesn't believe anything right now that comes out of your mouth. Considering he had to read the correspondence for himself rather than hearing it from you.

 

I hope you de-friended this other boy. Was this the only instance of you flirting with other people? I don't mean what your fiance knows about.

[lilmissp]

It's only "harmless" if no one gets hurt.

 

I'm in your fiance's shoes. I found flirtatious messages between him and other women. He too, needed ego boosting. Trouble is, when someone "needs" that kind of ego boosting outside the relationship, you are essentially telling your fiance that he's not enough for you.

 

I postponed setting the wedding date. I refuse, as your fiance does, to marry someone who A) I don't trust and B) needs ego validation outside of me.

 

Advice? Hard to say. Does he have all of your passwords? In other words, is your online activity now completely transparent to him? Some people won't agree that you need to do this, but I'll tell you from your fiance's perspective, he doesn't believe anything right now that comes out of your mouth. Considering he had to read the correspondence for himself rather than hearing it from you.

 

I hope you de-friended this other boy. Was this the only instance of you flirting with other people? I don't mean what your fiance knows about.

 

Morning,

No i dont flirt away from my fiance. Not when i go otu with the girls- nothing. The reason i think i did in this instance is because the internet gives you 'balls' as so to speak, had this boy been standing in front of me i would NEVER have said it, one because i'd know it was wrong, 2 i wouldnt be comfortable within myself saying it a 3, it isnt truth. I dont flirt at all no. (and yes, he's no longer on my list)

My fiance already has all my passwords- before our engagment he had a ....similar situation, he did somethign that hurt me with another girl and didnt tell me...since then we gave each other every password- that was over 1&1/2 years ago, thats how he saw the private messaged, he simply logge onto my account.

I dont mean to be biased towards my 'side' of things (apologies if it sounds that way) but from my experiance you onyl go looking for the ego boost or attention because your not receiving it. My fiance is very busy i dont get the sweet txt messages any more or emails, this guy was sending my private messages the second i responded- it made me feel like to some one i was special enough to stop what they where doing and message me something- something my fiance doesnt have 'time' to do. BUT, that does NOT give me the right to do what i did. Instead i should have sat down and told my fiance how i felt. ..its quite simple- i was to selfish to see it. But on the week end we spoke, the wedding is going ahead- he said when he asked me to marry him it was because he loved me through and through, that means he loves me no matter what flaws, imperfections and mistakes i make...because he's been so compassionate, understanding and forgiving, its now my turn to show him that he made the right decision, and that i AM worth it. And i will.

 

Good luck. xx

[lilmissp]

What if he change his mind.. lets say.. err .. a day before the wedding ??

 

Morning Freddie....I never thought of that. But i pray to god he doesnt. i dont think he will...but i didnt think of that possibility till now.

[melodymatters]

So, you didn't like the answers you got on your other thread regarding the same question, huh ?

 

Your BF sounded a lot more controlling in the original one and people were telling YOU to reconsider.

 

Well, whatever makes you feel better....

 

Good luck, and I mean it !!!!

[lilmissp]

So, you didn't like the answers you got on your other SN regarding the same question, huh ?

 

Your BF sounded a lot more controlling in the original one and people were telling YOU to reconsider.

 

Well, whatever makes you feel better....

 

Good luck, and I mean it !!!!

 

 

I beg your pardon. Take a little look at the date and time there sweetheart, there both posted the exact same day one after the other because i wanted as many responses as possible. Not merely because i didnt like the responses in the other forum. I'm looking for honest opinions not bias one's waving in my favor. Thats pathetic.

 

Your BF sounded a lot more controlling in the original one and people were telling YOU to reconsider.

- there copy pasted. i dont knwo how thats possible.

[melodymatters]

You are right, and it's my mistake.

 

I guess it was you who sounded a bit more ambivilant in post 1, and more apologetic in post 2. Your feelings are your feelings, and I understand how they can go back and forth.

 

I still sense a bit that he is using this to gain the upper hand, and you are backpeddeling from your true, original feelings to not jeapordize things.

 

I spent 8 yrs with someone who used the smallest things to gain control, and I am VERY leary when I even smell that, but I'm sure ( and I hope) thats not the case here. You are young, engaged and in love. Very hard to see things we don't want to in that situation.

 

But this is just a stupid Internet forum. No one but the 2 of you know the real relationshp.

 

Again, Good luck, for real !

[marwin2]

for my point of view u didn't do any thing wrong Mostly people chat with frnd wther its girl or boy some time frnd joking with us r u marry me so its not mean u marry with him or her.Actually i never understand ur BF problem what he thinking. he didnt like ur relation with ur frnds.

its Good u love him but ur BF love u. he love u so he thrust on u

because thrust is second word of love it mean u love him but u have no thrust

 

sit together and clear all the things wat he wants

 

it help u lot

 

thanks

 

i hertz u so sorry for that

[seoa]

But he wants to see me work for his trust back. Which im willing, ive been overly affectionate, reminding him all the time that i love him and couldnt live with out him, reasuring him in other ways, making dinners, cleaning for him, trying my hardest just to show him i AM willing to work to get him back to feeling the same way for me. What else can i do?

 

And on a side note, he's gotten reall dominating...i think its subconcious because when i bring it up he says he doesnt realise he's being like that, or being nasty or rough but he is. I understand he's going to feel resentment and hurt and anger towards me for a while but its hard to bite my tongue to please him when he's started saying things like "No, you do my dishes" to what i respond with "no, why should i? i'm not your slave or maid" he then replied "Because your my woman....your very cheeky for some one who is trying to save a relationship" Even though ive done wrong im scared i wont be able to take this attitude for long, i have done wrong but that doesnt mean im now in debt to him, that when he says jump i say 'how high, how many times and how long for?'

 

It doesn't really matter if this was 'wrong' or not... it does *not* give your fiance the right to bully you.

 

Yes, he is being a bully.

 

Imagine into the future, you have an adorable little daughter, twelve years old, and at school some friend is treating her in much the way you describe above, because she has betrayed them somehow...

 

What would you suggest that she did...? Stay friends with them, and keep on working to earn back the trust, because she deserves to suffer...?

 

Do you really want to let him know that this kind of behaviour is acceptable... There will be times in your marriage that you will upset him - is he *allowed* to bully you, each time, until you have 'earned' his decent behaviour...?

 

By all means accept that what you did was wrong (if it's not acceptable within the terms of your relationship - it wouldn't necessarily bother others), by all means act in a more trustworthy manner in respect to flirting etc in the future... but I don't see how washing up will earn back his trust, he's just enjoying the power trip, and that's really really not healthy!

 

If you need to think of it from an unselfish 'loving him' point of view - you are doing him no favours by allowing him to discover his inner-bully. Stop it now.

[Thornton]

My concern is why your bf has access to your passwords and why he felt the need to snoop on you when you weren't doing anything supicious. It sounds extremely controlling if a partner has to have access to all your passwords, plus he shouldn't have been snooping anyway. I know many people have found details of an affair by snooping... but in general their partner was behaving suspiciously beforehand and they turned to snooping as the only way to verify their suspicions. There's no reason for him to be snooping on you if you weren't doing anything suspicious in the first place, and imo you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who wants so much control over you, someone who obviously doesn't trust you and is going to snoop on you all the time even when there's nothing suspicious going on which warrants that behaviour.