Banging head again

[Sanafa]

I just broke over a month of NC with an email:mad:

 

Why is this so fricken hard!

 

I don't want to go back, I truly don't.....but I can't stand the idea of hating each other. I have never hated an ex... nor have I ever been involved in a relationship that didn't have a natural ending where we walked away "friends'.

 

NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT THIS

 

And loving him.... makes it all the worse!

 

I just literally took 10 steps backwards

 

BS - Before you even start It was not a "sappy" I miss you....was actually a more " Did I know you" and several pieces weren't all that nice.

 

I still broke NC though.........ahggggg

[lovekillsslowly]

Hi Sanafa ~

 

Take a deep breath....inhale....exhale....and forgive yourself.

 

You messed up. It's ok.

 

Don't you feel better for at least getting things off of your chest that you felt needed to be said?????

 

I want to ask you something. Is NC what you really want to do or are you just doing it because it's what you have been advised to do by other posters on this board?

 

It doesn't matter to me what you do as long as you do what you are wanting to do and what you feel good about doing.

 

In the end the decision you make for how this is all going to end has to be a decision that you are comfortable with and makes you feel good.

 

Tomorrow is a new day.... a fresh start.....try to get a good nights sleep and start anew tomorrow.

[Sanafa]

Hi Sanafa ~

 

Take a deep breath....inhale....exhale....and forgive yourself.

 

You messed up. It's ok.

 

Don't you feel better for at least getting things off of your chest that you felt needed to be said?????

 

I want to ask you something. Is NC what you really want to do or are you just doing it because it's what you have been advised to do by other posters on this board?

 

It doesn't matter to me what you do as long as you do what you are wanting to do and what you feel good about doing.

 

In the end the decision you make for how this is all going to end has to be a decision that you are comfortable with and makes you feel good.

 

Tomorrow is a new day.... a fresh start.....try to get a good nights sleep and start anew tomorrow.

 

Thanks... I am feeling like a tool. Anger... being tired of missing him....all of it just kinda "took over".

 

We mutually agreed to NC..... and they are in MC/IC and has said for a host of reasons, he can't be in contact. I know that--- just someday I question if he cared, if he misses me...if it sometimes ( like now) makes him crazy.

 

I don't regret him, persay... I regret the pain...for all of us.

 

I hate that it isn't normal... that we can't move forward without having some forceful " NC" rule in place.

 

I have never had NC with an ex, course never dated a MM before.... all of the extra's that coming with ending an Affair our new.

 

I need the NC..... and I am so busy with work...sure in part over tired and frustrated that as soon as the day settles... I miss him. So much is happening that I want to share and I can't.

 

And the closer we get to seeing each other... inevitable coming up the harder it becomes to think about two closed cold people pretending.

 

I hate it.... i question me... I question us... I question tons.

 

Try not too but occasionally it all comes up... like tonight.

 

And now I have given myself a headache with more tears and most likely means a restless night.

 

Part of me hopes it is easier for him and part hopes it is just as tough.....arrrrr, so frustrating. Two months since DDay... and almost 6 weeks of no contact.....

[fooled once]

Thanks... I am feeling like a tool. Anger... being tired of missing him....all of it just kinda "took over".

 

We mutually agreed to NC..... and they are in MC/IC and has said for a host of reasons, he can't be in contact. I know that--- just someday I question if he cared, if he misses me...if it sometimes ( like now) makes him crazy.

 

I don't regret him, persay... I regret the pain...for all of us.

 

I hate that it isn't normal... that we can't move forward without having some forceful " NC" rule in place.

 

I have never had NC with an ex, course never dated a MM before.... all of the extra's that coming with ending an Affair our new.

 

I need the NC..... and I am so busy with work...sure in part over tired and frustrated that as soon as the day settles... I miss him. So much is happening that I want to share and I can't.

 

And the closer we get to seeing each other... inevitable coming up the harder it becomes to think about two closed cold people pretending.

 

I hate it.... i question me... I question us... I question tons.

 

Try not too but occasionally it all comes up... like tonight.

 

And now I have given myself a headache with more tears and most likely means a restless night.

 

Part of me hopes it is easier for him and part hopes it is just as tough.....arrrrr, so frustrating. Two months since DDay... and almost 6 weeks of no contact.....

 

So why did you contact him? To see if he missed you?

 

And you don't have to HATE him; you just have to realize the A is over, he is married and that isn't going to change.

 

Stay with him if that is what you want; but know that you are getting crumbs, you are being used, and his wife /family are #1 to him.

[OW_WS]

Constructive post, lovekillsslowly!

 

Sanafa, sometimes breaking NC is not necessarily such a bad move. For example, if he doesn't answer that will tell you something, either that A. he is serious about working on his M and the NC or B. wants to help you with the NC or C. he's willing and able to stop jerking you around. If he does answer -almost regardless of content- you'll know he too is having a hard time/is missing it/just wants more fun/etc and then you'll have to remember and reinforce what it was that helped you walk away the first time.

 

IMO some relationships can use less strict of NC to fade out where absolute NC may reinforce fantasies.

[ladydesigner]

God we must be drinking the same water Sanafa I just broke NC with my xOM yesterday as well WTF. We haven't established a NC. I was trying not to contact him again for myself. We have been carrying on emails this past year our PA ended last year. The emails have been strictly platonic as we were friends before the A. I don't have feelings of wanting the A back or feelings of an EA I just really enjoy his friendship, but I know that has to end as well because we crossed the line by having an A... or can you be friends? I know many on this board say it isn't possible, but if I don't have any more feelings for him and feel I can carry on a friendship...god I don't know as usual I am always confused. Anyways hugs to you you don't beat yourself up too much. I have to try this again myself.

[Devil Inside]

Sanafa...hey you...I can feel the pain in those words. It doesn't matter what anyone here says because I know you are being harder on yourself than anyone else can be.

 

It is really, really, really hard to not break NC when an A ends, especially one that was intense, and one where there was love involved. I know how much it hurts to go from the most intense relationship of your life to nothing. It does not feel right...I know.

 

I think you had a setback...take it for what it is worth and learn from it. Think to what was going on for you. What is happening? What time of the day? Were you alone? What triggered this? Maybe it is because you know you will be seeing him and you don't want to pretend?

 

Sanafa...I don't agree with others that say that NC is not necessarily the way to go. I think it is. For him...but especially for you. Look how much it hurts. Today is like starting all over again...how many more times can you really do this. It is not fair to yourself.

 

I fight myself everyday to not call her. To not write her. To not look her up online and stare at her picture on Facebook. It gets easier everyday to not do so. It's only been 23 (yeah I count) days of NC, but it already so much better...I don't feel so out of control. I can't wait to see what it is like 23 days from now. I maintain NC because it allows me to control my fate. It allows me to heal. It allows me to figure out what I want...and don't want. When I am obsessed with my A, and that it is over, and that I lost my "soulmate" I lose myself...I can't so that...I love myself to much.

 

So just repeat this mantra...NC=No Pain. The beautiful thing is...you can start today. Good luck...if you need support you know where to find me...we can keep each other strong.

[Devil Inside]

... but I know that has to end as well because we crossed the line by having an A... or can you be friends? I know many on this board say it isn't possible, but if I don't have any more feelings for him and feel I can carry on a friendship...god I don't know as usual I am always confused. Anyways hugs to you you don't beat yourself up too much. I have to try this again myself.

 

I think people will have different opinions on this. In a normal break up I think it depends on who you are. Me, I am not friends with my exes. When I fall, I fall hard, the love is intense, the relationship is intense, it is hard for me to go from that to buddies. Besides I get jealous...if she has some guy...it kills me to think of his hands all over her. So usually I have NC until my feeling are gone...then I usually have moved on and they don't fit in my life anymore.

 

In an A, however, I really think it is a bad idea to be friends. I mean you guys were lovers. You are married, he is in a relationship. Friends are great...but you have or can find other friends...do you really want to pick the guy you had an A with? I mean, I think it is a set up. I also think it can lead to hurt feelings on one side or the other...just to sticky.

[ladydesigner]

In an A, however, I really think it is a bad idea to be friends. I mean you guys were lovers. You are married, he is in a relationship. Friends are great...but you have or can find other friends...do you really want to pick the guy you had an A with? I mean, I think it is a set up. I also think it can lead to hurt feelings on one side or the other...just to sticky.

 

DI yes I agree with you 100% on this. My husband knows I am friends with him just doesn't know about the affair. I know if he knew about the affair obviously he wouldn't like us being friends and this is why I should maintain NC. The reason I am on LS is to learn as much as I can from all of you and become stronger and hopefully one day fully break away from this xOM. i have lots of other friends, not sure why I need xOM as one. We share a lot of the same views and concerns... more than my husband or any of my friends for that matter, but again that should not be an excuse.

[Devil Inside]

 

i have lots of other friends, not sure why I need xOM as one. We share a lot of the same views and concerns... more than my husband or any of my friends for that matter, but again that should not be an excuse.

 

LD...I feel you. Of course you and xOM have a great connection...in another time and place you would have been great together...we fall in love with them for a reason. I know my xOW was an exciting woman that taught me so much about confidence, taking risks, and a whole other culture...if she was not the woman I fell in love with and had sex with behind my wife's back I would be her best friend...but I screwed that up.

[NoIDidn't]

Am I allowed to give my two cents here?

 

The OW in my case broke NC in much the same way and for the same reasons. But eventually her contacting him became disrespect in his eyes. He didn't hate her. He didn't regret loving her or befriending her (even for such a short time). It was hard for me to accept that he didn't regret it at the time, but it was nothing against me so I knew it wasn't "personal".

 

Its not personal, Sanafa. But it had to be (NC, complete NC and NO friendship since the line was crossed before) that way, so that one day, if/when they crossed paths again, they could at least be cordial.

 

Contacting him when he doesn't want you to and isn't initiating contact on his own with you, is what will change his feelings for you a lot quicker. If you want him to remember with fondness, try not to contact him - even with choice words. If you want him to regret knowing you in that way, continuing contacting him against his wishes.

[Devil Inside]

Am I allowed to give my two cents here?

 

The OW in my case broke NC in much the same way and for the same reasons. But eventually her contacting him became disrespect in his eyes. He didn't hate her. He didn't regret loving her or befriending her (even for such a short time). It was hard for me to accept that he didn't regret it at the time, but it was nothing against me so I knew it wasn't "personal".

 

Its not personal, Sanafa. But it had to be (NC, complete NC and NO friendship since the line was crossed before) that way, so that one day, if/when they crossed paths again, they could at least be cordial.

 

Contacting him when he doesn't want you to and isn't initiating contact on his own with you, is what will change his feelings for you a lot quicker. If you want him to remember with fondness, try not to contact him - even with choice words. If you want him to regret knowing you in that way, continuing contacting him against his wishes.

 

I know that the two things I admire most about my xOW are the facts that one, she broke of the A, and two, she has not initiated contact since we started NC.

 

I know she has feeling for me...but she has put her needs for connection to the side so that I can work on my M. She even told me that it would not work if I could not give my heart to my wife, and for that to happen she had to be completely out of the picture. I think she had this insight because she had an A earlier in her M and tried to make it work with her H, and it never happened...probably because she met me a year later.

 

Either way...not contacting him is the most loving gift you can give.

[TogetherForever]

am i allowed to give my two cents here?

 

The ow in my case broke nc in much the same way and for the same reasons. But eventually her contacting him became disrespect in his eyes. He didn't hate her. He didn't regret loving her or befriending her (even for such a short time). It was hard for me to accept that he didn't regret it at the time, but it was nothing against me so i knew it wasn't "personal".

 

Its not personal, sanafa. But it had to be (nc, complete nc and no friendship since the line was crossed before) that way, so that one day, if/when they crossed paths again, they could at least be cordial.

 

Contacting him when he doesn't want you to and isn't initiating contact on his own with you, is what will change his feelings for you a lot quicker. If you want him to remember with fondness, try not to contact him - even with choice words. If you want him to regret knowing you in that way, continuing contacting him against his wishes.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^exactly what nid said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ladydesigner]

Contacting him when he doesn't want you to and isn't initiating contact on his own with you, is what will change his feelings for you a lot quicker. If you want him to remember with fondness, try not to contact him - even with choice words. If you want him to regret knowing you in that way, continuing contacting him against his wishes.

 

Very well said NID. I would rather my xOM think of me this way, but I fear it is the opposite. I think he contacts me as an ego feed. We have not established a clear NC. He seems to contact me as much as me him, but your words are very true I often feel it is disrespectful that my xOM keeps contacting me... after all my xOM is the one who ended the affair.

[Devil Inside]

Very well said NID. I would rather my xOM think of me this way, but I fear it is the opposite. I think he contacts me as an ego feed. We have not established a clear NC. He seems to contact me as much as me him, but your words are very true I often feel it is disrespectful that my xOM keeps contacting me... after all my xOM is the one who ended the affair.

 

One thing I have come to realize is that in my A...it was always all about me. What made me feel good. What I needed. What I wanted. Me keeping NC has really been the only thing I have done that is not completely selfish. I think in As you have two people feeding each others needs and egos. Two people using each other.

[ladydesigner]

I think in As you have two people feeding each others needs and egos. Two people using each other.

 

DI that is exactly what it is and that is the part that hurts the psyche the most is the feeling of having been used. That is exactly why I need to stop all contact because as much as I would like to see this as a friendship it isn't. My xOM contacting me doesn't feed my ego anymore and I just wonder why I am still allowing this to happen. That is the part I need to figure out now. I know I am stronger than this.

[Devil Inside]

DI that is exactly what it is and that is the part that hurts the psyche the most is the feeling of having been used. That is exactly why I need to stop all contact because as much as I would like to see this as a friendship it isn't. My xOM contacting me doesn't feed my ego anymore and I just wonder why I am still allowing this to happen. That is the part I need to figure out now. I know I am stronger than this.

 

LD you are stronger. Look...you wouldn't be here reading all this stuff if you didn't want to change. I know you can do it. Like I told Sanafa NC=no pain. Say it to yourself. It will be hard...but you need to be able to forgive yourself for what you did, and it will never happen if he is leaching off of you.

[OW_WS]

I know that the two things I admire most about my xOW are the facts that one, she broke of the A, and two, she has not initiated contact since we started NC.

 

I know she has feeling for me...but she has put her needs for connection to the side so that I can work on my M. She even told me that it would not work if I could not give my heart to my wife, and for that to happen she had to be completely out of the picture. I think she had this insight because she had an A earlier in her M and tried to make it work with her H, and it never happened...probably because she met me a year later.

 

Either way...not contacting him is the most loving gift you can give.

 

One thing I have come to realize is that in my A...it was always all about me. What made me feel good. What I needed. What I wanted. Me keeping NC has really been the only thing I have done that is not completely selfish. I think in As you have two people feeding each others needs and egos. Two people using each other.

 

I know you are still working this out and sorting how you feel but just in the interest of helping with that, those two are contradictory. In one it is still all about you, in the second you say it's for her benefit. Or did you mean her keeping NC is about you and you keeping NC is about her? Hmmm that almost sounds like you're raising it to a dramatic, selfless love status from both parts if it makes sense.

 

This is specifically why I am personally not 110% sold on NC (and I mean in any R not in A in particular, here there may well be other factors to consider). Because people tend to invest in the fantasy surrounding NC. Throwing two people still very much in love into NC will force them to "imagine" what the other one feels or says or thinks of. Now granted, NC between people that have let it run its course, or whom have mutually, sincerely agreed they need to move on in the sort of calm, settled fashion only the wisdom that follows the passion can give, is brilliant and certainly the way to go. In other words, what I am saying is that NC sometimes, with some people and some personality types is not resolving unsorted feelings but feeding them.

 

Like someone else was saying before, I don't ever remain friends with exes, be them single-life exes or the MM. To a degree it is because I'm too busy and not interested in investing time in people that are no longer current, to another because I KNOW the remaining magic is only ever preserved if familiarity and time are not allowed in to offer clarity and kill the dream.

 

Anyhow, how are you feeling today Sanafa? Has he answered?

[Devil Inside]

I know you are still working this out and sorting how you feel but just in the interest of helping with that, those two are contradictory. In one it is still all about you, in the second you say it's for her benefit. Or did you mean her keeping NC is about you and you keeping NC is about her? Hmmm that almost sounds like you're raising it to a dramatic, selfless love status from both parts if it makes sense.

 

 

 

Anyhow, how are you feeling today Sanafa? Has he answered?

 

I guess that does sound confusing. Let's see if I can add clarity. I think me getting into an A was about me. It was about filling needs I had. I think she also had needs at that time that I met perfectly.

 

When it comes to us keeping NC I think that it is an example of us finally showing each other love. We are making a choice to put aside our needs and really do what is right for the other....even if it means we lose each other. Does that make sense?

 

 

Sanafa....are you ok?

[OW_WS]

I guess that does sound confusing. Let's see if I can add clarity. I think me getting into an A was about me. It was about filling needs I had. I think she also had needs at that time that I met perfectly.

 

When it comes to us keeping NC I think that it is an example of us finally showing each other love. We are making a choice to put aside our needs and really do what is right for the other....even if it means we lose each other. Does that make sense?

 

Makes sense and -sadly- is in support of what I said earlier... re-read the part in bold. I put it to you that you didn't even mean to write that, it wasn't well digested yet you did.

 

In other words, what I am saying is that NC sometimes, with some people and some personality types is not resolving unsorted feelings but feeding them.

 

Exactly that... not only are you thinking in terms of "love" but in terms of "us"!

[Devil Inside]

Makes sense and -sadly- is in support of what I said earlier... re-read the part in bold. I put it to you that you didn't even mean to write that, it wasn't well digested yet you did.

 

 

 

Exactly that... not only are you thinking in terms of "love" but in terms of "us"!

 

Hmm..ok...point taken. I have never made it a secret that I love my xOW. I will always love her. I guess I just now feel that by choosing to make her an AP I wasn't being loving...and that I feel bad about it now. Me leaving her alone is my way of actually being loving. So you're right I did contradict myself.

[Devil Inside]

OW WS now I see your point about NC feeding unsorted feelings. I however, feel that my xOW and I were very clear on how we felt when we parted ways. We love each other very much and if it was a different time and place...we would be together. But we also regret that we met through an A and cheated on our spouses. It has poisoned the union...which was beautiful.

 

The thing now is to be responsible for my actions....my feelings are going to take some time to sort out.

[StoptheDrama]

Sanafa - I don't see this as taking any steps back. You voiced what you needed to and are going forward. If you had been trying to provoke a response much less sitting around waiting for one, that would be a different story. That is not the case as I understand your post. Be strong and keep moving forward, in whatever way you need.

[Sanafa]

Hey everyone.... I think I read most of the responses.

 

I sent the email to his secondary account so no he hasn't responded but I also have no idea if he has seen it yet.

 

How do I feel?

 

It spun me a bit and I lost a great deal of sleep that night and had an incredibly busy finish to the week. I am still frustrated and reading everyone's comments on NC still has me going back and fourth.

 

I am not use to this. I am use to breaking up because of problems within the relationship.. I am use to " knowing" for a bit before that we should move on, and while I don't talk to ex's everyday... would not hesitate to talk to any should I see them anywhere... no bad feelings, unfinished business etc.

 

I have never gone NC in the past, no reason to and add the different dynamics of this relationship and yes, I am still struggling. I fully understand why but I am not so sure it helps.

 

And for those who said it will " push him farther away"... all I can say to you is one, I did not do it for him.

 

I am questioning myself in mass proportions.... "if he loved me, if he misses me, if,.... if .... if.... and right or wrong it is incredible difficult on the emotional front.

 

I feel like I can't trust myself anymore and it is the one thing in my life that has never steered me wrong...so if that has changed... I am really wondering how to fix that.

 

Someone said something in another thread about " the OW not having a right to closure"....

 

I strongly disagree... and I also believe that relationship is in fact between me and MM. Like it or not, we did have a emotional/physical relationship and while I would expect that to hold no respect or value to the BS - I do expect courtesy and empathy from the only other person who could possibly understand it. Take the titles off.... we are all human.

 

It would be different if the OW wanted to rekindle it... but like it or not those that are in LTR/EA are in a relationship between two people and right or wrong... TWO people are accountable for it.

 

So..... still fighting it, trying to get back on track and who knows...perhaps in a day or two I will see the last few as growth.

 

And yes..... the fact that we will be seeing each other in various arenas coming up in Sept/Oct..... is clearly a point of contention for me.

 

I have a soft heart.... and because of that... there is too options... He clearly sees my pain, or I am cold as ice... to everyone and completly shutdown.

 

Either one is damaging to myself...and honestly right now it isn't about him, his wife or thier recovery... it's about taking care of me and finding out what I need to move forward.

[NoIDidn't]

and honestly right now it isn't about him, his wife or thier recovery... it's about taking care of me and finding out what I need to move forward.

 

And that is why you will need to stop contacting him about your residual feelings.

 

You need to deal with them on your own. The same would be said to someone going through a divorce when they didn't understand why. You have to find a way to give yourself closure. He isn't responsible for your closure. You are.