Banging head again

[Sanafa]

And that is why you will need to stop contacting him about your residual feelings.

 

You need to deal with them on your own. The same would be said to someone going through a divorce when they didn't understand why. You have to find a way to give yourself closure. He isn't responsible for your closure. You are.

 

Not nearly the same thing.

 

In divorce there are fights/discussions ( that is unless you are super human) and communication--- I have not had the pleasure of any of those things.

 

While I understand it's " mine" to deal with... I did not have the relationship alone, and I am certain my frustration is normal.

 

I am trying to deal with it... and as hard as I was on myself last week.... I also know that I am not wired to " never speak again'.... it's just who I am.

 

I watched one of the core people take there last painful last breaths in front of me.... I have very different view on life, people and letting go with love rather than anger or resentment.

 

I don't think I want to change that.... it is who I am...and is such a big part of me.

 

I have to work this through for ME.... which means it may not be conventional... I am still working on it and certainly not jumping to opening the flood gates because I made a mistake... but at the same time, I have to be more forgiving of myself through this.

 

It isn't easy.....and I am trying to find my way.

[Devil Inside]

Not nearly the same thing.

 

In divorce there are fights/discussions ( that is unless you are super human) and communication--- I have not had the pleasure of any of those things.

 

While I understand it's " mine" to deal with... I did not have the relationship alone, and I am certain my frustration is normal.

 

I am trying to deal with it... and as hard as I was on myself last week.... I also know that I am not wired to " never speak again'.... it's just who I am.

 

I watched one of the core people take there last painful last breaths in front of me.... I have very different view on life, people and letting go with love rather than anger or resentment.

 

I don't think I want to change that.... it is who I am...and is such a big part of me.

 

I have to work this through for ME.... which means it may not be conventional... I am still working on it and certainly not jumping to opening the flood gates because I made a mistake... but at the same time, I have to be more forgiving of myself through this.

 

It isn't easy.....and I am trying to find my way.

 

Sanafa

 

My heart is breaking for you. I can tell how much this is hurting. Look, most people will advocate NC (including me) because that is what worked for them. However, for me, it was different. She and I were able to have several discussions after it was over and I feel that it ended with some closure...and we aren't mad at each other...in fact we love and admire each other very much...I know I always will. We just couldn't be in a relationship anymore...because I wasn't leaving..and she didn't think I ever would.

 

For you there are things out there. It may hurt more with contact...but this is your life. Work out what you need to...just be mindful of guarding your heart.

[Sanafa]

Sanafa

 

My heart is breaking for you. I can tell how much this is hurting. Look, most people will advocate NC (including me) because that is what worked for them. However, for me, it was different. She and I were able to have several discussions after it was over and I feel that it ended with some closure...and we aren't mad at each other...in fact we love and admire each other very much...I know I always will. We just couldn't be in a relationship anymore...because I wasn't leaving..and she didn't think I ever would.

 

For you there are things out there. It may hurt more with contact...but this is your life. Work out what you need to...just be mindful of guarding your heart.

 

Thanks Devil

 

Here's the problem. When DDay occurred we talked everyday for about 2 weeks... worked through some of the initial shock he was going through, and I truly focused on the guilt for his wife..... the pain we caused etc.. Wasn't thinking about myself.

 

Anyway, when that started to happen..... the questions came and it is then that we sat outside of my place and had the " going to try with the marriage" talk. We agreed that the last conversation our goodbye would be with him here giving me his key at my home.

 

For many reasons, one I needed the closure, too I needed the safety of what had become our place and three I wanted to emotionally prepare. ( I am one of those that can get through just about anything if I spin it the right way).

 

That didn't happen... his MC said it could not and for the first time in our world, he went back on his word. It was tough and because he was literally hypervenilating to the point of having to pull over on the side of the road - I caved and said ok... we'll do this on the phone.

 

I didn't anticipate a week later his BF driving up to the curb and dropping the key off with a " I know he's bummed this happened" he was having a good time.

 

From there... the anger has been incredible.... I know in my heart that wasn't us, but in that I have lashed out ( once on my birthday - a few days after) and then as the coldness of the whole thing set in.

 

He said to me, please don't forget...... when you get angry what we had... but I feel like his actions have in fact tarnished it and my in turn have done the same.

 

I want and need to get passed the anger and the confusion... I need to know I wasn't crazy and I did know him and that we did love each other.

 

Because of the quick NC that was literally forced.... I let the anger get me, the questions, the coldness and yes... it really has me stuck in anger. It goes against everything I know

 

And I also know me.... I just need to be reminded that the last year has not been a figment of my imagination... a little empathy from the one person who understands.

 

Many would say it wouldn't make a difference.... but like I said - I walk away with an open heart and because of mine and his actions that has not happened.

 

The lack of respect or courtesy with the money draft set me off.... I really don't care what we have done, I simply expected a got it thanks... common courtesy.

 

So then my head goes to... " he couldn't have possibly respected me.. .which brings anger and the want to dig back" a vicious circle that achieves nothing.

 

And yes, if anything be thankful that you were allowed to find your speed and have the intimate communication prior to ending it. We had a massive DDay that rocked our worlds and I so wish we would have had more control over ending it.

 

tis life.

[Devil Inside]

One thing my xOw said the day of our last conversation was "Thank you for making my feelings real." I had been here about a week and I learned a lot about how she must feel and how bad I was treating her. I owned up to not committing to her and I think it made all the difference. I was also able to tell her that I did love her and that she was not just a piece of a@@...amazingly she needed to hear that...it kind of broke my heart that she would think I saw her that way...but I understand now.

 

So I get you needing closure. Just be sure that it can be constructive and controlled. Really look at your emotions and where you are at as you send eac email or dial his phone number. My concern here is for you.

[Sanafa]

One thing my xOw said the day of our last conversation was "Thank you for making my feelings real." I had been here about a week and I learned a lot about how she must feel and how bad I was treating her. I owned up to not committing to her and I think it made all the difference. I was also able to tell her that I did love her and that she was not just a piece of a@@...amazingly she needed to hear that...it kind of broke my heart that she would think I saw her that way...but I understand now.

 

So I get you needing closure. Just be sure that it can be constructive and controlled. Really look at your emotions and where you are at as you send eac email or dial his phone number. My concern here is for you.

 

You know I think part him was afraid to tell me he loved me when he left... like if he said it I wouldn't let him go..... that I would call him on things... but I had already made up my mind....and new the zillion other love you's were true.

 

Funny, that is what i needed to.... to know it was hard, that he struggle rather than the current.... " just returned to life"....dodged a bullet that I can't help but let my over active imagination go too.

 

I love him and I miss him so much but....it doesn't mean I want that back....

 

As for the last part. I made a conscious decision last night that if I am still feeling like this at the end of September, I will make the call.

 

If the pain of anger outweighs the pain of a revisit and proper closure - I will do that.

 

No decision yet, just allowing myself the option if I can find another way to get through the anger and hurt of the " did he care at all".

 

Thank you so much for not jumping to the conclusion I want him or am not prepared to deal with it being over. I am.... just trying to find the right way for me.

[NoIDidn't]

Sanafa

 

I feel for you. I really do. Devil Inside says that he is a therapist, and if so, he should know how this goes.

 

Right now, your xMM is working on his marriage and doing whatever it takes to appease his W and let the therapist know that he is really putting in the right work for his marriage.

 

Unfortunately for you, that means he can't show much concern for your feelings. It also means to him and his W, and marriage, that any assurance he gave you instantly disappeared.

 

I know it hurts to find out, or feel, that his actions are saying that your relationship is the one that was always optional. I can't say for certain whether that is the truth or not, but it seems so based on his current actions.

 

Who knows, he may come back around and say that things with his W aren't working and that he's sorry for how he made you feel? But that's not closure. That's just getting you into another A.

 

It doesn't seem that he has any plans to speak to you again unless he absolutely has to. This event coming up that you will likely see him and his W at, is going to be uncomfortable for all of you. The best you can do since he won't talk to you, is avoid them while doing everything you can to be yourself and enjoy yourself.

 

I know the feeling of wanting my last pound of flesh or wanting things to be fair. But affairs aren't fair. I'm sure there are some things that his W would love to say to you, the other person that helped in her betrayal, that she hasn't and probably won't for the same reasons that he hasn't responded to you (as I last know of from here) - focusing on her marriage. I can tell you, as a former BW, that your continued contact of her H for whatever reason is going to give her permission (should she decide to use it) to tell you what she really feels. And I am pretty sure that you don't want that if you say that she didn't come after you when things first came out.

 

I get what DI is saying to you, but I don't think it is really helpful because it encourages you to continue disrespecting their marriage by feeling you actually have a right to closure from *him*. You don't. He didn't get closure either, if you haven't realized that. And he is actively seeking it as you are.

 

Its not that I don't think that you "deserve closure". Its that you don't have the right to think that he "owes" it to you because of something he said and then wasn't able to do because he's married. Wasn't the A like that at times too? Is that what your anger is about? That once again, his marriage takes presidence over whatever plans that you and he made and he's unapologetic about it - again?

[Devil Inside]

Sanafa

 

I get what DI is saying to you, but I don't think it is really helpful because it encourages you to continue disrespecting their marriage by feeling you actually have a right to closure from *him*. You don't. He didn't get closure either, if you haven't realized that. And he is actively seeking it as you are.

 

Its not that I don't think that you "deserve closure". Its that you don't have the right to think that he "owes" it to you because of something he said and then wasn't able to do because he's married. Wasn't the A like that at times too? Is that what your anger is about? That once again, his marriage takes presidence over whatever plans that you and he made and he's unapologetic about it - again?

 

I am not advocating that she should contact him...I am just validating her emotions. I know how much it hurts to end an A.

 

As for her disrespecting his marriage...I think that he is the one most responsible for maintaining the boundaries there. He is the one married...not her.

 

My main reason for advocating NC is not for him or his M...it is for Sanafa...and her emotional state. I don't know her xMM...who knows what he really feels. I do know, however, that there never really is closure with an A. I got as close as I could to it...and I still have days I want to talk to my xOW and tell her again I am so sorry and that I did love her...I'm sure it seeps into every post.

 

I just think...that if she does reach out...it is not going to end in a result that makes her feel any better...I think it just leads to more pain. I am not, however, going to condemn her for feeling like she wants closure...we all would.

 

NID is wise. I think her words are correct as far as MM workingon his marriage...and for the best waty to handle the upcoming event.

 

Sanafa...really think this through...it may hurt a lot...and I don't know if it will be worth it.

[jj33]

Sanafa the thing is that you may never get adequate answers from him.

 

Every situation is different obviously but be prepared for the fact that if you do call you may find that each answer leads to yet another question.

 

Most people find that they never get adequate answers from the MP.

 

If you do call I hope your outcome is different.

[NoIDidn't]

I am not advocating that she should contact him...I am just validating her emotions. I know how much it hurts to end an A.

 

Its hard to get that via the medium of the internet - validating emotions vs encouraging behavior.

 

As for her disrespecting his marriage...I think that he is the one most responsible for maintaining the boundaries there. He is the one married...not her.

 

That's not what I mean. His actions have made it clear that contact is a no-no for him. Continuing to contact someone that's basically saying "no contact" is disrespectful of their wishes. Maybe, I shouldn't have included the "marraige" in that. As I said about my H before, *he* felt disrespected, not really our marriage - that was my feeling.

 

My main reason for advocating NC is not for him or his M...it is for Sanafa...and her emotional state. I don't know her xMM...who knows what he really feels. I do know, however, that there never really is closure with an A. I got as close as I could to it...and I still have days I want to talk to my xOW and tell her again I am so sorry and that I did love her...I'm sure it seeps into every post.

 

In my roundabout way, I am doing the same. Sanafa will achieve the closure that she desires if she stays NC. Corresponding with him only drags out the ending. I know it seems like I am talking only about maintaining the M, but I am really trying to get her to see that his focus is the marriage, and hers should be for herself. He can't give her what she wants.

 

I just think...that if she does reach out...it is not going to end in a result that makes her feel any better...I think it just leads to more pain. I am not, however, going to condemn her for feeling like she wants closure...we all would.

 

I agree. Check out my post on the third page of the "3 pearls of wisdom" thread. I don't think that anything he could say to her is ever going to give her true closure. We all want it, but closure really comes from within.

 

 

NID is wise. I think her words are correct as far as MM workingon his marriage...and for the best waty to handle the upcoming event.

 

Thanks, but I don't think I am wise. I've been in her position and on the other side. Honestly, I had my chance to tell the guy what I felt (the anger), but decided it wasn't worth it. It wasn't going to change the end result (us being over). And if I wanted to change the end result, then I wasn't really after closure.

 

I am sure that Sanafa is going to make her own decision. I just don't want to see her get further hurt. He may not intend to hurt her, but that won't change the fact that it will hurt.

[ladydesigner]

Sanafa I really understand how you feel. Although I did get closure from my xOM at the time it ended, he actually apologized a zillion times over for hurting me, I still felt no closure for myself. I felt as if he had already moved on and had gotten over me (which I am sure he had) and I still had not. I recently declared NC, we have been in email contact for a little over a year since the A ended. The reason I decided for NC was so that I can give myself closure. I am now in pain once again because I stayed in contact for a whole year. We really need to find a way to truly heal ourselves on our own terms, let it go and love ourselves again. I wish you the same strength I am searching for now. Take care of yourself ((((((((Sanafa)))))).

[Devil Inside]

 

I am sure that Sanafa is going to make her own decision. I just don't want to see her get further hurt. He may not intend to hurt her, but that won't change the fact that it will hurt.

 

We have the same goal in mind...to help her avoid further suffering..I can see that.

 

They say that we cause our own suffering by not accepting the realities of life. I am learning that they hard way. One of the gifts of this site is reading the overwhelming majority of posters describe As the same way over and over. As much as I wanted to believe mine was different or special...it has followed suit...I need this to guide me as my emotional compass is still skewed. I tend to reach out to those in pain...because in a way it makes me feel better about my own, White Knight that I am.

 

Sanafa...if I were talking to a client in your situation...I would tell them...don't contact him...it will only hurt more. You will most likely not get the closure you seek...only more pain. Sometimes we cannot trust what our heart wants and we have to let our heads guide us...this would be one of those situations...good luck.

[jj33]

Devil that is a fantastic logical response to "the heart wants what the heart wants".

Great post.

[Sanafa]

Big hug to all of you....thank you so much.

 

I read NID's response prior to heading to work this morning but couldn't respond due to time.

 

First, NID... thank you for truly showing compassion in your post... we certainly have not always sat on the same side of the fence...but I truly felt it and appreciate it more than you know.

 

Everyone else..... thank you for not beating me up....DI is right.. I have done that enough for all of us.

 

There are a couple things eating at me and to be honest I have yet to decide what I will do.... and not rushing it - trying to work through some of the anger that seems to really trigger the loaded gun. Much like LD, there is a large part that thinks it was all too easy.... even though that may not be the case and in truth the last email was to dig... not to be sappy or emotional.

 

That being said, I also know and have said that is just going in circles...BUT I also have to remember only I know me and only I know him. Yes, like DI said no one ever wants to be the cliche.... tough to accept when you truly thought you were something more.

 

And NID... truth... I struggle with the decision to not follow through on the final conversation not because I am "use to disappointment from him"... the exact opposite. I didn't ever get disappointment... honest to god truth I can recall two times in 10 months that we had to adjust a schedule and one was when his mother was hospitalized.

 

That's the problem, I truly wasn't second....tough reality. The other problem was the choice wasn't made by him.... It was made in a MC session with the councilor telling him he had no choice. Now, I agreed-but I didn't like that someone had to tell him and certainly got frustrated that he couldn't handle the outcome better.

 

Anyway.... I am teetering and I have a question

 

Much like many people here... I have had a colorful childhood.... but blessed with good friends that were my core and decent relationship where while it may have taken a little time.... we ended knowing it would be ok and that it was for the best.

 

I moved on from my childhood ( and well aware that it can and does still play) but I let go of the anger and pain by walking through it and very much giving myself closure. Also with every other relationship the same thing... and once I have that... I am ok... some might find that hard to believe but it is like releasing the pain, the hope and letting the love stand for what it was, while it was. I have always believed "no repeats" and have always believed and reminded myself that there was a good reason why I cared, even if in the end it can sometimes be hard to remember.

 

NID said something about no one getting closure and I am simply throwing a thought out that came to me today.

 

As a BS, would you not want to know it was true closure rather than forced... not meaning a negative but it made me wonder if the stories you hear about a year or two later where the two A people are back together - could that have something to do with that? I have seen it several times on this board and a strictly OW board where the AP go through several serious DDay's and yet run into each other a year or two later and revive the affair to only have another DDay.

 

Just throwing a thought out.

 

No decisions on this front... I don't want to continuously be in pain, I know I deserve better... and the other challenge - we are not talking about 1 event we are talking about multiples and starting Mid September with several mutual events the first week of October ( like 3 or 4)... hence needing to find some ground, otherwise it is going to be a long fall and truth - many of the events will be only himself and perhaps a friend - similar on my side.

 

Oh the fricking webs we weave!

[jj33]

Sanafa as I am constantly in touch with xMM there is a sense that there has never been real closure. The past is always there in one way or another. And despite all the nonesense that has happened since the A ended, if either of us let it be more than what it is (the past) it could easily reignite.

 

As you said only you know him and yourself, but the idea of closure truly is something only you can give yourself. it takes time. Did you say it had only been a month or so since you went NC.

 

For many people the questions, the possibilities the way it ended, a million things swirl around in your head for some time. Even now I sometimes wish I could say to him do you ever think x or do you ever feel y... but I dont because it would only reopen the door to the A.

 

Even if neither of us spoke about it with the intent to go back, it reinforces the bond that we shared and the feelings that we had for one another - that only the two of us understand what was. For someone who is trying to work on his marriage, its another form of conspiring even if its that is not what either person intends it to be.

 

And since it is over there is no need to revisit that.

 

I have been out of the A far longer than you have and perhaps I wouldnt even think about it much if I werent in contact with him (for work) but it has taught me that noone can give me closure but me.

 

Most people find that every time they go back for another "talk" it is a step back much as they dont want to think so at the time. Its like an itch that demands to be scratched and a feeling of if I only knew x or if we only discussed y it would be easier to make peace with it.

 

Everyone is different and you will find your own answers in time.

[Sanafa]

Sanafa as I am constantly in touch with xMM there is a sense that there has never been real closure. The past is always there in one way or another. And despite all the nonesense that has happened since the A ended, if either of us let it be more than what it is (the past) it could easily reignite.

 

As you said only you know him and yourself, but the idea of closure truly is something only you can give yourself. it takes time. Did you say it had only been a month or so since you went NC.

 

For many people the questions, the possibilities the way it ended, a million things swirl around in your head for some time. Even now I sometimes wish I could say to him do you ever think x or do you ever feel y... but I dont because it would only reopen the door to the A.

 

Even if neither of us spoke about it with the intent to go back, it reinforces the bond that we shared and the feelings that we had for one another - that only the two of us understand what was. For someone who is trying to work on his marriage, its another form of conspiring even if its that is not what either person intends it to be.

 

And since it is over there is no need to revisit that.

 

I have been out of the A far longer than you have and perhaps I wouldnt even think about it much if I werent in contact with him (for work) but it has taught me that noone can give me closure but me.

 

Most people find that every time they go back for another "talk" it is a step back much as they dont want to think so at the time. Its like an itch that demands to be scratched and a feeling of if I only knew x or if we only discussed y it would be easier to make peace with it.

 

Everyone is different and you will find your own answers in time.

 

Yes JJ... our DDay was June 22 and we talked for a few weeks after...so I think about 6 weeks ( if you don't count my email outburst)

 

I really am not rushing... working through some stuff ( with the help from of all you, believe it or not) and will try to keep doing that. I like giving myself goals ( e.g...... you can't call him but if you decide in a month you still have to ..then ok) then I can revisit and maybe set another goal or make a decision with my head rather than my fiery french fingers....

[PhoenixRise]

Sanafa

 

 

I think you are wise to give yourself a deadline. I hope it works and that you do feel better. I hope so because I think you are setting yourself up for more pain.

 

I don't think you can take the rules for how you handled breakups in your past and apply it to the end of an affair. You see his not giving you the face to face conversation as him being forced into somehing by his MC but it is not. Him listening to his MC is a consequence of a choice he already made to work on his marriage.

 

There is no win win for him here. If he doesn't meet with you to assure you that he DID love you, you will be hurt and disappointed and the affair will probaly still be over. If he does meet with you then he will be once again betraying his wife (I am sure he promised her NC) and he will be undermining any reconciliation that is happening between them. He can't have a secret meeting with with you and work on his marriage at the same time.

 

You say you are not focusing on what he needs or what his wife needs. I get that. You should be focusing on yourself and what you need. I would say that he and his wife are doing the same.

 

Sanafa, I don't think you were crazy. I think you know the reality of what you shared with MM.

 

BUT

 

I don't see your closure as forced. For whatever reasons, your MM decided to stay married. He had a choice. He could have chosen to leave. He chose to stay. After many conversations with you after dday he chose to stay and you said you supported him in that decision. At this point, is there anything he can say that will make this easier? Will it help you if he says he will always love you but he is staying married? Will it help you if he says that he rediscovered a deep love for his wife?

 

AND I will tell you this. You are risking having his wife start to retaliate against you. The wife was civil to you before because she didn't blame you or hold you responsible. I would guess she let her H feel the full effects of her hurt and anger. BUT if she finds out you are still contacting her H she will try to make your life hell.

[NoIDidn't]

 

AND I will tell you this. You are risking having his wife start to retaliate against you. The wife was civil to you before because she didn't blame you or hold you responsible. I would guess she let her H feel the full effects of her hurt and anger. BUT if she finds out you are still contacting her H she will try to make your life hell.

 

 

I said it differently in a previous post, but wanted to repost it with your post lined up.

 

The W has been concilliatory so far. If she gets wind of this, like I got wind of it in my case - and it was the same kind of anger based contact - she will do or say something to you to clear up any misunderstanding she thinks you have about the meaning of "its over".

 

Plus, you have that event coming up in a few months. You don't need this type of thing happening. It wouldn't be good for any of you - professionally or personally.

 

That's why an A doesn't end like a regular relationship. You don't get to revisit the feelings for closure because its a triangle and you run the risk of turning him against you.

 

Now if that's what you want, that's something different. LOL

 

I hope no one takes offense at me presenting a possible reaction of the BW. Its not intended to be a threat, just a possibility.

 

Take your time with your decision. You have plenty of that.

[jj33]

Thats very smart to keep pushing the "i can call date" forward - I think thats the premise of alot of 12 step programs actually - one day at a time or in your case one month at a time.

[Sanafa]

Thanks everyone.... I do appreciate the feedback.

 

I realize it is emotionally driven....and have never believed in "anger".... all anger is is a extreme way to show extreme pain....

 

I am not nearly as emotially driven...but I miss him like crazy....confused, "angry", hurt and truly missing him.

 

Someone asked what triggers it. It's the evening.... the bath knowing we ended our day saying goodnight. It's all of it- when working or engaging with others no one would have a clue, very good at keeping up appearances... but I am still very much the walking wounded.

 

Tonight not angry, sad....and just wishing there was a "heart" button...life would be so much simplier

 

And music..... music is a huge triger....such a big love, but causes a great deal of pain right now.

 

DI and LD.... how are you doing? I haven't been here to much..sporadic but hope you are feeling better as well.

[ladydesigner]

DI and LD.... how are you doing? I haven't been here to much..sporadic but hope you are feeling better as well.

 

Hey thanks for asking I am as well as I could be. I just declared NC last week and it has been difficult. A part of me wonders if we could have been friends like we were before the A, but I know deep down inside this is the only way I will heal. My xOM probably doesn't care anyways.

 

And music..... music is a huge triger....such a big love, but causes a great deal of pain right now.

 

This is a huge trigger for me also, especially the music I listened to at the time of the A. It's strange how a song can bring back all those feelings you felt at the time, and then there are those sad love songs aaarrrrgghhhh.

 

Another thing that has been happening recently is anyone that I see on the street that even remotely looks like my xOM I find myself just staring and wishing I was back with xOM. It's horrible I know and I am working on my marriage but it is just so hard for me to completely forget.

 

So I have my good days and bad days. Today I am having a hard day. I have to keep telling myself that NC is the right way.

[Sanafa]

Hey thanks for asking I am as well as I could be. I just declared NC last week and it has been difficult. A part of me wonders if we could have been friends like we were before the A, but I know deep down inside this is the only way I will heal. My xOM probably doesn't care anyways.

 

 

 

This is a huge trigger for me also, especially the music I listened to at the time of the A. It's strange how a song can bring back all those feelings you felt at the time, and then there are those sad love songs aaarrrrgghhhh.

 

Another thing that has been happening recently is anyone that I see on the street that even remotely looks like my xOM I find myself just staring and wishing I was back with xOM. It's horrible I know and I am working on my marriage but it is just so hard for me to completely forget.

 

So I have my good days and bad days. Today I am having a hard day. I have to keep telling myself that NC is the right way.

 

LD... I feel for you!!!

 

Last night I got in the bath, turned on my ipod ( huge mistake) and all I could truly think.... I want my life back ( waiting for the 2x4's)

 

I just want my life... so much good happening and I truly want to share it with him.... and I can't.

 

And We are at a whopping

 

2 Event in September ( one very possible his whole family will be there) and

 

4 Events in October ( which I am only guessing will be him and a co-worker)

 

Haven't seen him since the day in the Park ---- Early July---- can't imagine and dreading it in some ways..... looking forward to it in others.

 

Such a mess... really.

[Devil Inside]

 

DI and LD.... how are you doing? I haven't been here to much..sporadic but hope you are feeling better as well.

 

I am doing better overall. Today is 30 days of NC. I find that the pain of withdrawal is less intense. I am trying to put more energy into myself and seeing if I can make this marriage work. I am starting with a new IC soon (called him yesterday) so I am looking to really put in the work...I might confess the A...but am going to do that with IC's help and them maybe MC.

 

Some days are better than others. I can identify with you and LD on music. It is a huge trigger. I try to listen to mostly upbeat stuff anymore.

[aussiegirl66]

"Contacting him when he doesn't want you to and isn't initiating contact on his own with you, is what will change his feelings for you a lot quicker. If you want him to remember with fondness, try not to contact him - even with choice words. If you want him to regret knowing you in that way, continuing contacting him against his wishes".

 

NoIDidn't...all I can say is "wow" I wish I had read these wise words like back in late 2007 instead of tauting my MM - unfortunately in my case I pushed and pushed and it all escalated and turned nasty (I lost it and told his wife about how I met him even though nothing physical happened between us other than kissing and holding) and I sent a nasty voice and text message telling him I would get back at him for making me suffer and he took that to the police and I have a record now) and even recently, he hung up on me when I called him then got his mobile phone company to send a letter to me tellling me my last text messages were not wanted. (This is all detailed on another thread initiated by me).

 

Unfortunately it is too late for me, but this is what can happen to you Sanafa, if you don't have a strong sense of yourself and keep pushing so while this is an exaggerated case, I guess it supports the advice being given to you above. In my case now, the man clearly hates my guts and regrets the day he ever replied to my email on the adult site I met him. Even more unfortunately for me, I don't have a pleasant memory of him now, just the fact that he hates me and while I still feel something for him (otherwise I wouldn't be in so much pain), I am sure by his actions that he feels nothing towards me, only anger and hate and finally, emotional indifference, if you can have such a mix.

 

DevilInside - you sound like such a lovely man...I can't say the same for mine..he just continued to ignore me (my emails and text messages) without ever clearly stating that he wanted things ended, and never thought about my needs even after I gave him the 'space' he wanted and he never let me know what his feelings for me were and in the end, I guess he just felt nothing.

 

OW WS I think that is what happened to me in a strange way... by him ignoring me so with strict NC, it gave me false hope and the fantasy that he was still interested and that one day he may reply, until I completely lost it after waiting several months and I did what I did leading to the sad and unfortunate things that happened afterwards. Even recently, again, he is strict NC and having built up another fantasy, I think he may be O.K. to speak to me, but he is not, he will never forgive me, and again, he just hurts me even more by letting me know more strongly - in his own indirect way of course, that he wants nothing more to do with me and goes to alot of trouble to do so. I would bet that if he had just replied to me, if he had opened up and chatted about things, the fantasy I had of him would have been "burst" alot sooner and I would be in a much healthier position now.

 

Too late for me now - with men it is always about getting the "hint" - they never speak directly to you, nor do they forgive and I guess with my mental health issues, I was too stubborn to listen to "hints" that for other people clearly mean NO!!

[aussiegirl66]

Just as an afterthought...

 

1) I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I did wish to reply to the posters above who I have mentioned, as it has given me a bit more clarity in my situation and so I am thanking them for that insight;

 

2) Secondly, and most importantly, I am NOT comparing myself to Sanafa, which if she happens to reads my thread, will not want any association or any similarity drawn to me personally or to my situation because as much as it pains me to admit they are generally right (and the majority voice must ring true) many posters have stated in my thread that I am clearly mentally "not all there" and hence by implication, my situation cannot be directly compared to that of Sanafa's. (Just making that clear in case people come out of this thinking Who the hell is this aussiegirl to compare herself with Sanafa, etc..)

[Sanafa]

No offence Aussie girl... but please do not compare us!

 

I have read only a bit of your thread and I truly think it is the extreme. I had a 10 month Affair, both physical and emotional and actually knew my MM.

 

Please please do not assume my actions are anywhere near what you have choose to do. While I am not judging it, I would never have gone to the lengths you have.

 

I simply believe contrary to many here, that MM is also responsible for our relationship. I expect nothing from his Wife, nor would I ever; however like it or not he was involved with me and to a small extent I hold him responsible just like a BS would.

 

I don't expect him to fix me, but I do expect him to be accountable for his role and behave like a grown up and treat all three involved with respect and human decency. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

However; contact MM via channels we have used in nothing in comparison to hunting down additional information and weaving yourself in there. IMO, that is truly unhealthy and I would be highly concerned if anyone did it, on either side of the fence.

 

MM lost my number when we first met and said he was thinking about knocking on the door.... I said, better be lucky you didn't because that would have totally freaked me out.

 

( in hindsight....wish he would have knocked...lol)