Banging head again

[Sanafa]

Funny that becky posts a poem that says what I've been saying, but she gets "very empowering" and I get....complaints.

 

HmmpH!!

 

Sing me a song or write me a poem NID....... and I will give you a thumbs up too!

[Devil Inside]

Funny that becky posts a poem that says what I've been saying, but she gets "very empowering" and I get....complaints.

 

HmmpH!!

 

Well the poem was a wee bit more elegant.

 

Oh NID...I know you mean well...but your passion gets the best of you at times.

 

It's like I've said several times...once the defenses go up in the other person they don't hear nothing.

 

Now get working on some poems already!

[NoIDidn't]

 

As I said to you NID... she is going to have to trust him, as I have no plans on moving or giving up my company to provide assurances.

 

 

This just really comes off like a powerplay. It sounds like you are demanding to be put above his W in his affections and using your "company" to do so.

 

And I am not saying this to anger you, but for your consideration - honesty consideration. This is how we grow and learn. Not by insisting that there is nothing "useful" because it doesn't fit what we think of the situation.

 

If this man is really working on his marriage and really does love his W, things are going to change in your life. Things can't go back to the way they were. Things will never be the same again. The contact is likely to end, or only become professional. His W's needs will conflict with your own and he will have to choose. Again.

 

I hope you take the time to try to hear what I am saying instead of reacting to what you think I am saying.

[Sanafa]

Sing me a song or write me a poem NID....... and I will give you a thumbs up too!

 

Remaining friends with single men with whom you were involved is vastly different than remaining in contact with a married man with whom you were involved... especially if NC has been established. These two things are like night and day. I can see how his wife would be eager for you to leave their marriage dynamic and her husband's life. And, as for the wiring... you'd be surprised how wires can get crossed in the wake of infidelity. A hornet's nest might not even approximate what you could be stirring up.

 

My husband was married to a woman who held onto all of her ex's. It was almost as if she was a 'collector'. Never really letting go. Never really moving on. Never getting to the point of closure. Never giving them a kiss on the cheek and wishing them well with a goodbye. Always rotating back and forth seeing her first ex husband, trying to see my husband, and on and on. She finally married her MM after he left a 36 year marriage following a 9 year affair with him. Now he rotates out visiting his ex wife with whom he spends literally weeks on end with. All because they don't want to say goodbye.

 

Sometimes letting someone go is the greatest act of love one could possibly offer. It allows for life to progress. It allows for evolution. It opens the door to the possibility that even though we don't get what we want... there is something of even greater value waiting for us. If you love this man then give him his freedom. No strings. No obligations. And let them sort their life out. Close the door so you can open a new one. Sometimes things don't work out because they just couldn't.

 

Thank you for breaking up your posts!

 

I don't disagree with much of what you have said. I am not asking to "keep in touch" add each other to Facebook or have cocktails and christmas cards.

 

That would be afraid of closure. I needed for ME to clear the air about somethings that had happened and address the inevitable meeting that will occur. Again, it's going to happen like it or not, we have to deal with it... it's life, I would rather it be cordial and professional than bitter and cold.

 

Choices, I choose to not carry that negative with me... and I needed to move forward with a positive which unfortunately couldn't happen until we had discussed two pivotal issues.

 

But I am not asking to have a weekly wind down and don't believe I have even hinted to wanting anything else than this particular conversation.

[NoIDidn't]

Well the poem was a wee bit more elegant.

 

Oh NID...I know you mean well...but your passion gets the best of you at times.

 

It's like I've said several times...once the defenses go up in the other person they don't hear nothing.

 

Now get working on some poems already!

 

You are right. I just hope that no one gets hurt any further.

[Sanafa]

This just really comes off like a powerplay. It sounds like you are demanding to be put above his W in his affections and using your "company" to do so.

 

And I am not saying this to anger you, but for your consideration - honesty consideration. This is how we grow and learn. Not by insisting that there is nothing "useful" because it doesn't fit what we think of the situation.

 

If this man is really working on his marriage and really does love his W, things are going to change in your life. Things can't go back to the way they were. Things will never be the same again. The contact is likely to end, or only become professional. His W's needs will conflict with your own and he will have to choose. Again.

 

I hope you take the time to try to hear what I am saying instead of reacting to what you think I am saying.

 

How is that a powerplay?

 

Seriously.... what does the fact that we will see each other in both professional and social setting have to do with him choosing anyone?

 

And what would you suggest?

 

That I not go to these events, that I not engage in my company. I am sorry, as I am not prepared to give my life up to suit them.

 

It's life NID.... we all have to live with it.... and sorry, maybe I am missing it but how does " having to accept that" equate with him "having to choose again"

 

Btw... if they opt to leave events or venues.... that is entirely their choice.

[Devil Inside]

You are right. I just hope that no one gets hurt any further.

 

That didn't even rhyme!

 

I hear you...and I know...because you have always given me sound guidance...and I could always tell it was heartfelt.

[tami-chan]

That didn't even rhyme.

 

:lmao:...funny...!!!

[Sanafa]

:lmao:...funny...!!!

 

Tami!!

 

you have been so quiet as of late...... good to 'see' you:)

 

 

And yes NID.... if you went missing for a few days.... I would miss you too!!!!

[tami-chan]

Tami!!

 

you have been so quiet as of late...... good to 'see' you:)

 

 

And yes NID.... if you went missing for a few days.... I would miss you too!!!!

 

thanks, Sanafa! I was a bit "under the weather"---the passing away of one of the members got to me and I didnt even really know me....

[Sanafa]

thanks, Sanafa! I was a bit "under the weather"---the passing away of one of the members got to me and I didnt even really know me....

 

 

Ah, you're not referring to a member here, I assume?

 

Sorry to here you have been struggling and feeling like **** never helps

 

Glad to have you back!!

[tami-chan]

Ah, you're not referring to a member here, I assume?

 

Sorry to here you have been struggling and feeling like **** never helps

 

Glad to have you back!!

 

 

LOL...I meant an LS member and I didnt even know HER....sheesh..it's late..

[Sanafa]

LOL...I meant an LS member and I didnt even know HER....sheesh..it's late..

 

 

I had no idea... so apparently you are more awake than me!

[ladydesigner]

Well I feel like a real fool. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I've declared NC that my xOM broke NC and then I went and responded like an idiot. I would start a new thread but this one is perfect now in my case. Why oh why is it so hard to maintain NC. I actually felt bad for him. He apologized over and over again and I just....aaaarrrrgggghhhhh broke NC!!!!! WTF!!! I thought I blocked his email, but apparently it went to my trash. I should have deleted it instead of reading it. Is this fishing???? He said he is really sad to lose me as a friend. Oh god here I go again...

[jj33]

LD it doesnt have to be the end of NC unless you want it to be. People slip. It happens. You just have to get back to NC right away and dont read the email this time. Yes its fishing. He misses you and he wants contact.

.

[NoIDidn't]

Well I feel like a real fool. It hasn't even been 2 weeks since I've declared NC that my xOM broke NC and then I went and responded like an idiot. I would start a new thread but this one is perfect now in my case. Why oh why is it so hard to maintain NC. I actually felt bad for him. He apologized over and over again and I just....aaaarrrrgggghhhhh broke NC!!!!! WTF!!! I thought I blocked his email, but apparently it went to my trash. I should have deleted it instead of reading it. Is this fishing???? He said he is really sad to lose me as a friend. Oh god here I go again...

 

Just get back on the wagon if what you desire is NC.

 

I do believe its fishing. Contact with you is his drug of choice. You always respond in a predictable way that apparently he enjoys. It could be taken as a compliment, until you realize that he probably doesn't reciprocate the same response for you when you need it.

 

Establishing NC is usually a patchwork. It involves starts and stops. You had a lapse, not a relapse. Big, big difference. Eventually more time passes between lapses until you don't experience them anymore. For some it happens quickly, for others it takes longer.

 

I guess the same will happen for you and for Sanafa eventually. Eventually we realize that the friendship we thought we had with them was entirely one-sided, that is, unless we were the ones making it one-sided to begin with.

[ladydesigner]

"Eventually we realize that the friendship we thought we had with them was entirely one-sided, that is, unless we were the ones making it one-sided to begin with."

 

NID this is a very interesting thought. Now I really have something to ponder.

[Sanafa]

Well..... I sent him a text saying I actually felt better, and didn't require any more conversation regarding the upcoming events.

 

As I said yesterday, if in time I find I regret my option of LC, I will honestly say so. I don't at the moment and finally for the first time in weeks did not have a panic attack on my way to work today. I can see him... yes, it will hurt but the anger and lack of answering some key questions has subsided.

 

Am I fixed... nope, not by a long shot and who knows he also said he felt better... so maybe it was a "fix" but again, we will know in time and deal with it then....... I still am not sold that everyone is cut from the same cloth.... never will be.

 

Had we discussed "secretly meeting" I would say it was trouble.... but we didn't, we cleared the air and moved pass a phase, growth or regression is yet to be seen.

 

LD...... I am so sorry, I know how hard this is.

 

Question for you? Have you made it 100% clear that you will not under any circumstances be involved with him again while in the Marriage?

 

I ask because just after DDay, my MM's bestfriend ( who is very colorful and not good with words) said he thought we would get back together when the "dust settled" and I told him and followed up with MM that it would never ever be an option.

 

Divorce papers and on his own for a while.... then who knows, as I believe it would be a new relationship and be just as questionable as any other new relationship..... but very clear that I would never "cheat" on myself, his wife, him or his children again.

[Sanafa]

"Eventually we realize that the friendship we thought we had with them was entirely one-sided, that is, unless we were the ones making it one-sided to begin with."

 

NID this is a very interesting thought. Now I really have something to ponder.

 

 

Maybe..... but sorry I read it as " it really wasn't what you thought"...and again a common thing that the OW/BS want to believe about the other.

 

Someone said in another thread today that there is so much talk about " it not being what you thought" by MC, BS, etc that it literally convinces you of it.... I tend to agree, almost a "conditioning and brainwashing sort of way"

 

Everyone will love this......lol

 

Remember when Julia Roberts is in bed with Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman"

 

she says

 

" If you hear it enough, you believe it"

 

AP are told over and over they never work.... it's hard hard hard... it was just sex, sex, sex.... and the stat's are this, this, this and by many who are "professionals" helping them like MC's

 

I regress....it's always someone's choice.... but let's face it, everyone is conditioned to believe it is useless anyway...... and makes any other choice seem far easier and logical.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe..... but sorry I read it as " it really wasn't what you thought"...and again a common thing that the OW/BS want to believe about the other.

 

Someone said in another thread today that there is so much talk about " it not being what you thought" by MC, BS, etc that it literally convinces you of it.... I tend to agree, almost a "conditioning and brainwashing sort of way"

 

 

Wow, well, that's one way to look at it. But not the way that I meant it. LOL.

 

The words weren't leading her, or anyone else in any particular direction other than inward. It was to encourage introspection, not to tell one what to think.

 

In my relationship that most closely mirrors an affair, I found that I got as much out of his fishing as he did. He got to hear that I did still love him, but I also got to feel important enough that he kept reaching out to me. It was one-sided both ways, considering our own selfish agendas in maintaining that particular kind of contact.

 

But this is just my personal situation. I don't know what LD is getting out of this contact, only she does. And she will be the person deciding whether she allows it for validation (as I did), or because she is trying to be a geniune friend to him while he is seeking validation.

 

But it took me years (10+) to learn this. So I am not all that surprised that you guys are having issues with NC. I guess I'm just hoping to help you shave a couple of years off of the lesson by sharing my perspective.

[Sanafa]

Wow, well, that's one way to look at it. But not the way that I meant it. LOL.

 

The words weren't leading her, or anyone else in any particular direction other than inward. It was to encourage introspection, not to tell one what to think.

 

In my relationship that most closely mirrors an affair, I found that I got as much out of his fishing as he did. He got to hear that I did still love him, but I also got to feel important enough that he kept reaching out to me. It was one-sided both ways, considering our own selfish agendas in maintaining that particular kind of contact.

 

But this is just my personal situation. I don't know what LD is getting out of this contact, only she does. And she will be the person deciding whether she allows it for validation (as I did), or because she is trying to be a geniune friend to him while he is seeking validation.

 

But it took me years (10+) to learn this. So I am not all that surprised that you guys are having issues with NC. I guess I'm just hoping to help you shave a couple of years off of the lesson by sharing my perspective.

 

Sorry...just got home and see a whole bunch of "OW/BS" aruging..... it is where my head went.

 

Again, I appreciate your view and I will be honest if I find it did more damage than good......

[Devil Inside]

LD...you sound like you are in pain. So let me ask you...do you see how contact with him causes this? Sure NC was hard...you had a longing, you missed him...but that would fade with time...I promise.

 

Every time you break NC you open yourself up to the confusing, anxious, mind numbing, crazy pain. Which is worse?

 

I learned the hard way...breaking NC keeps the wounds fresh.

[Sanafa]

LD...you sound like you are in pain. So let me ask you...do you see how contact with him causes this? Sure NC was hard...you had a longing, you missed him...but that would fade with time...I promise.

 

Every time you break NC you open yourself up to the confusing, anxious, mind numbing, crazy pain. Which is worse?

 

I learned the hard way...breaking NC keeps the wounds fresh.

 

Di, did you at some point break NC? ... I didn't think you had ...but might have missed that.

 

I am actually looking forward to evaluating how I feel about the last Contact.... because to me, the pain prior (especially that past two weeks) far outweighed anything so far from the LC.

 

Still miss him...check... but honestly no more than I did last week (was a lot then and a lot now) haven't seen a big fluctuation

 

Might be crying to you all in a week....course... I may have done that anyway.....

 

The whole thing SUCKS... how many times have I said that now, starting to sound like a broken record

[ladydesigner]

Question for you? Have you made it 100% clear that you will not under any circumstances be involved with him again while in the Marriage?

 

I have not made that clear. He pretty much made it clear upon ending things with me that our affair would not continue, but that he wanted us to resume the friendship we had before the affair. It's funny I didn't always have feelings for him. There was a time we were friends and then I started to develop feelings for him much later. He had a crush on me the whole time we worked together. We no longer work together as we both got laid off at the height of this bad economy. We did not begin the affair until after we had been laid off. I guess we had too much time on our hands.

 

LD...you sound like you are in pain. So let me ask you...do you see how contact with him causes this? Sure NC was hard...you had a longing, you missed him...but that would fade with time...I promise.

 

Every time you break NC you open yourself up to the confusing, anxious, mind numbing, crazy pain. Which is worse?

 

I learned the hard way...breaking NC keeps the wounds fresh.

 

Yes DI I am in pain. Like Sanafa recently said

I am actually looking forward to evaluating how I feel about the last Contact.... because to me, the pain prior (especially that past two weeks) far outweighed anything so far from the LC.

I feel similar to this. I am not sure if NC is better than LC. Both hurt. Obviously with NC feelings will fade in time. DI do you feel your pain has lessened as each day goes by or does it feel the same?

My fear is that I will always have these feelings toward my xOM for the rest of my life. It really scares the heck out of me. It has never ever taken me this long to get over someone... ever.

[Sanafa]

Yes DI I am in pain. Like Sanafa recently said I feel similar to this. I am not sure if NC is better than LC. Both hurt. Obviously with NC feelings will fade in time. DI do you feel your pain has lessened as each day goes by or does it feel the same?

My fear is that I will always have these feelings toward my xOM for the rest of my life. It really scares the heck out of me. It has never ever taken me this long to get over someone... ever.

 

I hear you!!!! I am know 100% I will never be the same... and I am really concerned I will never have what I had again....and that is painful and sad for all.

 

Guess my point was... I am in pain... NC/LC didn't change the level of that.... and the only thing LC gave me was to know ( right or wrong) that somethings will remain sacred between us... forever.

 

I did exactly as I said yesterday.... sent a message regarding the upcoming events and said ...take care.

 

I feel stronger ( doesn't mean I don't miss him) but I am hoping I can feed off that strength. It is draining all around and the only thing I can hold on to is he made a choice.......I wasn't enough and I have to accept that.