Stuck in the friendzone?

[UnknownImp]

I need some serious help I think I'm losing my sanity over this. I am in the most confusing situation I can imagine and so I'm hoping I can gain some clarity here. Six years ago I dated a girl and she dumped me for my best friend. I've liked her all of the six years since then and she said she always kinda suspected it. Now she has a boyfriend who she's been dating for 15 months. One of my close friends who knows her and her boyfriend has told me that I'm stuck in an inescapable "Friend Zone". However, she spends a lot of time with me and it just seems like I do more with her than a normal friend should. She texts me between 200-300 times a day and we've done things from spraying each other with hoses, playing with water balloons together, and washing cars together, to having me stroke her hair and rub her back for 2.5 hours. She also groups me and her boyfriend together by saying things like "You and him are the only nice guys I've ever dated" and "You two are the only ones who know this" and it just drives me absolutely insane. She also refers to me as her "Best Friend" and talks to me about how much I like her and what I think. This has bothered me for 6 years and I just want an explanation of whats going on and how to make this relationship what I want it to be.

 

Huge thanks in advance

-UnknownImp

[carhill]

Tell her your dating life sucks right now and you want her to set her 'best friend' up with some of her gal friends.

 

My bet is she's using you to fill in the gaps with her BF, so those needs don't go unmet. Another possibility is the sex with her BF is great and she won't give that up, even if other areas are lacking, as long as you fill that space with your time and attention.

 

External validation seeking can be a disease; a disease of the mind.

 

IMO, the best way to snap her (and you) out of this cycle is, when the interaction is just right (like physical), to kiss her. No matter her response, give her a devilish smile afterwards. I've found this to be a very effective method of getting rid of emotional validation junkies. If her response is positive, then merely suggest, before any further contact of any sort, that she break up with her BF.

 

You take charge of you. You can't control her. FWIW, you can have a ton of female friends just like her, so don't think she's special, 'cause she's not. Best wishes

[UnknownImp]

Firstly, I would like to say thanks for the reply I really appreciate it . I do have some questions and comments though.

 

Tell her your dating life sucks right now and you want her to set her 'best friend' up with some of her gal friends.

I don't quite understand what you're trying to say here could you elaborate a bit?

 

My bet is she's using you to fill in the gaps with her BF, so those needs don't go unmet.

You are not the first one to suggest that unfortunately.

Another possibility is the sex with her BF is great and she won't give that up, even if other areas are lacking, as long as you fill that space with your time and attention.

She's actually still a virgin and neither I nor her are really interested in that at this point.

 

IMO, the best way to snap her (and you) out of this cycle is, when the interaction is just right (like physical), to kiss her.

I don't want to interfere in her love life just become an actual option for her. I more or less just want her to realize that I could be her boyfriend. Plus contrary to what she believes her boyfriend could slaughter me.

 

No matter her response, give her a devilish smile afterwards. I've found this to be a very effective method of getting rid of emotional validation junkies. If her response is positive, then merely suggest, before any further contact of any sort, that she break up with her BF.

The last guy that tried that was a guy named Alex and he doesn't get to talk to her anymore...she "Hates him" from what she says though I know she has a physical attraction for him.

 

You take charge of you. You can't control her. FWIW, you can have a ton of female friends just like her, so don't think she's special, 'cause she's not. Best wishes

I work in a much different mind set than most (Which you'd need my entire life story to understand) which leads me to know otherwise. I have spent 6 years making sure that she remains happy and stays a good person and I have no intention of stopping until someone marries her.

[carhill]

Simply put, if she is truly your friend, she wants you to be happy too, and have a GF of your own. A true friend is proactive in such pursuits. I did this with my platonic female friends. I had no romantic designs on them and wanted them to be happy and in a relationship, if that was what they wanted.

 

How do you know she's a virgin? She told you? Now, if I was to tell you I was a virgin until I was 35, would you believe me? See, I know a little more about such matters than you might otherwise think

 

IMO, you're spending way too much personal time with a lady who is in a committed (even in not vaginally sexual) relationship with someone else. It's unhealthy. The cavalry will be along shortly to advise you of that. Get ready for them

[Green]

You are correct to recognize that you have lost your mind and are living the very definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. First off its pretty horrible that this girl dumped you for your best friend, and that your best friend actually dated her. Now I can understand you wanting to keep her as a friend and enjoying her friendship but you are in denial about how bad you want this girl. Carhils advice was straight on, just go ahead and kiss her. Make a move already, stop putting this relationship that is actually torture on such a high level. Do you realize you would probably have a great Girl Friend or what ever if this girl wasn’t in you life sucking up all your energy

[UnknownImp]

The problem I have with just up and kissing her is that she has a boyfriend and that would definitely end poorly. I also want to encourage her to be loyal and honest which won't exactly work if I make a move on her.

[Green]

The problem I have with just up and kissing her is that she has a boyfriend and that would definitely end poorly. I also want to encourage her to be loyal and honest which won't exactly work if I make a move on her.

 

Ok so never make a move on her and encourage her to be loyal and honest to the guy who isn't you. Maybe if she becomes loyal and honest enough she will make friends with girls and realize her current relationship with you is inapropriate.

 

Want to know my theory on why I've never experienced the friend zone? Well read on if you do.

 

The reason I have never been stuck in the friend zone is because if a girl dumped me and dated some one else I would not so much as pick up the phone when she called. I would not so much as reply to an email from the girl that asked if I hated her and why am I ignoring her. seriously the only thing I would respond to is, I want you back lets date again or something to that extent. Here you are toying around with this girl for 6 years. C'mon man snap out of it and have some self respect for yourself.

 

You say you want to encourage this girl to be loyal and honest... ENCOURAGE YOURSELF, thats right be confident, and you be honest and stop playing this fake role as friend. She is not your friend. I don't think of friends the way you think of her. Be Honest with yourself. Girls like men who respect themselves, don't play games, and are honest. Thats why girls will pick a guy who just goes ahead and kisses them when the time is right instead of a guy who held back and was to nervouse and just wanted to keep things friendly.

[UnknownImp]

What you're saying makes a lot of sense and I'd like to fix this nonsense so what do I do? I need to know what options I really have.

[FreddieMay]

Options :

 

A. Stay with her, you'll be her winds beneath her wings. You'll be there whenever she needs you. She'll be grateful and by the time she reached 40 or 50, she will realise you are the best man in her life.

 

B. Let her be. She has boyfriend and friends. They will comfort her after you're gone. She'll be okay and you will have a new life, new gf. If she realise by then that she needs you more than friend, then lucky you.

If not, .. well, that's life.. you'll just have to find another lucky girl to love.

[Jordanjames]

I agree with what the other poster said the OP is basically just waiting for this girl to one day "magically" fall in love with him. The thing is this girl just likes the attention and inflating her ego she doesn't see you the way you see her. The OP is lying to himself and he isn't being true to his own feelings. The truth is the OP is in love with this girl and if this girl doesn't recipocate then the OP will have to drop this girl and move on with his life. The girl is NOT your friend she is someone you want to have sex with and have a realtionship with. If ths girl cannot fulfill your needs go find a woman that can.

 

I am sure it will be hard to cut this girl off but you HAVE TO six years is too damn long a time to wait for someone to "fall in love with you." Think about "six long years" you have been wasting your time on this ONE WOMAN. What is so special about her? There are tons of women in this world that will love you and give you the love you DESERVE. Move on from her and that would be good for your sanity.

[amerikajin]

I need some serious help I think I'm losing my sanity over this. I am in the most confusing situation I can imagine and so I'm hoping I can gain some clarity here. Six years ago I dated a girl and she dumped me for my best friend. I've liked her all of the six years since then and she said she always kinda suspected it.

 

The short of it is that you have wasted six years of your life hoping to date someone who has done absolutely nothing to show you that she's romantically interested in you. The problem is that you haven't really been honest with yourself, and by virtue of that you haven't been really shooting straight with her either. You've been "friends" with her when in reality you're not really interested in being her friend; you want more than that. Don't blame her for this: she is okay with being just friends, but you're not, yet you are pretending on the surface that you are okay with it. You're misrepresenting yourself.

 

Now she has a boyfriend who she's been dating for 15 months. One of my close friends who knows her and her boyfriend has told me that I'm stuck in an inescapable "Friend Zone". However, she spends a lot of time with me and it just seems like I do more with her than a normal friend should. She texts me between 200-300 times a day and we've done things from spraying each other with hoses, playing with water balloons together, and washing cars together, to having me stroke her hair and rub her back for 2.5 hours. She also groups me and her boyfriend together by saying things like "You and him are the only nice guys I've ever dated" and "You two are the only ones who know this" and it just drives me absolutely insane. She also refers to me as her "Best Friend" and talks to me about how much I like her and what I think. This has bothered me for 6 years and I just want an explanation of whats going on and how to make this relationship what I want it to be.

 

As I said, all of this confusion, all of this insanity is because you're pretending as though it's okay to be 'just friends'...but the reality is that it's not okay, is it? You have the power to end all of this confusion by being very clear about who you are, what you want from people, and being upfront about it. I don't mean that you have to blurt it out loud, you just have to say it simply and lay it out on the line and accept whatever comes with it.

 

If it were me, I would probably pull back -- a lot -- and then see what her reaction is. I bet you anything that she begins to ask questions and wonder "What's wrong". And that's when you tell her the truth: tell her that you've been doing some thinking and that the more you think about it, the more you realize that you're more than just friends in your eyes. You'll see what her reaction is then. She'll either feel you or she won't -- I'll tell you that considering that she has a boyfriend now, the chances are better that she won't, but you never know. But at least you know where you stand and you can stop playing these mind games with yourself.

 

The most important part of the discussion is this: if she rejects you, then accept her rejection gracefully...and then you need to give her some space. If the truth is that you're not okay with just friendship, then you need to back away and leave her alone, and allow her the opportunity to find what she wants, and more importantly, you should give yourself the opportunity to start in a new direction. I know it's tough because you're afraid of the outcome -- don't be. Don't fear the outcome. I think life is about accepting difficult outcomes and seeing them as an opportunity to start something else.

[UnknownImp]

I talked to her about it and we decided that If I want to be in a relationship with her then we can't really have a friendship because everything I do is because I like her. I said that it was stupid of me to become so stuck on a girl I wouldn't be able to be with and she said I may or may not get to be with her.

 

Thanks for the help guys I'm gonna see what else is out of there let's hope the world actually does some sort of worth to it.

[amerikajin]

I talked to her about it and we decided that If I want to be in a relationship with her then we can't really have a friendship because everything I do is because I like her. I said that it was stupid of me to become so stuck on a girl I wouldn't be able to be with and she said I may or may not get to be with her.

 

Thanks for the help guys I'm gonna see what else is out of there let's hope the world actually does some sort of worth to it.

 

I think you did the right thing. It's tough to let go of someone you feel for but sometimes there's no other choice. This was a one-way street and you needed to bring some finality to it.

 

Trust me: chances are, you will find someone, and you will look back and wonder why you spent so much time hanging around this one.

[Green]

good job you stoped pertending and started being honest and more confident

[UnknownImp]

I'm never going to be able to let go of her completely she'll always matter to me.

[boogieboy]

she said I may or may not get to be with her.

 

Yes you WILL be able to get over her. You know why? Because what she said here was the epitome of your relationship with her. WHat she did here was lead you on to keep you hoping. Thats a very insecure mind at work. Shes pathetic.

 

If she told you the truth, which is "I will NEVER be attracted to you, and we will NEVER have a relationship. I just like you here because I like to feel like someone else wants me", you would have walked away long ago, right? Youre going to have to learn to listen to the actions and not the words. Many people are liars, especially when they know they can get away with things with people that trust them.

 

Thats a SICK attitude and you fell for it. For 6 years. Years you could have used to learn how to talk to women who like you. You have been her safety net and emotional tampon for 6 years? damn.

 

Do yourself a favor and never talk to her again. You got nothing for 6 years...you hung around as a doormat for too long, you will never get anything that you want from this woman as long as youre still talking to her. Go back to her like 6 years later after no contact and see if you have any game to seem like a different person to her.

[Jordanjames]

I think the saddest issue here is that you wasted six years of your life on a woman that does not deserve your time! Think about it, six long years you could of met some wonderful women that will love you. I do give you a lot of credit for being true to yourself you deserve so much more. You deserve happiness!

 

What this girl did to you was cruel! I wonder if the OP can see that? And her statement that you "may or may not" get to be with her is sadistic and evil. She is basically leading you on and trying to keep you hoping. She knows you like her but for the wrong reasons. She just wants you around because she probably doesn't want to be alone. And whenever she needs a "guy" she will "go to you". Isn't that sad being the guy on the side? Don't you want a woman to love you for you? You will get over her because now finally you are being very honest with your feelings.

 

I am proud of you that you had this conversation with her at least the truth is out. You will move on in time. It just takes time to heal.

[UnknownImp]

I guess I'll find out in time.

[callingyouuu]

I guess I'll find out in time.

 

Yes, you could wait ANOTHER six years until you discover she hasn't been interested for the last twelve, or you could accept what you already know deep inside right now and sooner find someone who truly deserves your time. Go join a few clubs, hang out with friends!

 

It'll take lots of time and effort, but you'll be fine. How long it takes for that to happen is solely up to you and your willpower. Good luck!

[funwithpaint]

Want to know my theory on why I've never experienced the friend zone? Well read on if you do.

 

The reason I have never been stuck in the friend zone is because if a girl dumped me and dated some one else I would not so much as pick up the phone when she called. I would not so much as reply to an email from the girl that asked if I hated her and why am I ignoring her. seriously the only thing I would respond to is, I want you back lets date again or something to that extent. Here you are toying around with this girl for 6 years. C'mon man snap out of it and have some self respect for yourself.

 

You say you want to encourage this girl to be loyal and honest... ENCOURAGE YOURSELF, thats right be confident, and you be honest and stop playing this fake role as friend. She is not your friend. I don't think of friends the way you think of her. Be Honest with yourself. Girls like men who respect themselves, don't play games, and are honest. Thats why girls will pick a guy who just goes ahead and kisses them when the time is right instead of a guy who held back and was to nervouse and just wanted to keep things friendly.

 

Sticky FOR TRUTH

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess I'll find out in time.

 

I suppose you will. The time will come when she is completely out of other options, and has lost attraction to all other males. When there is no chance she will ever be with another man again, she will come to you.

 

If that is what you want, then continue to hang on. Just understand that there is a greater chance that she will end up married to someone else, and live happily ever after while you allowed her to waste away the best years of your life.