Is it time to give up?

[hooghie]

I don't know where to start. I have to start in the middle. Sorry it's still so long.

 

My husband has a very very bad drinking problem. When he drinks, he drinks for a few days, then there is a day or two where he sleeps then a few days (sometimes longer) of sobriety then it starts again. He did quit for a few months due to an emergency situation but ever since that has ended, it seems that he is making up for lost time!

 

Anyway. When he drinks he becomes a huge jerk. He annoys the heck out of me. Wakes me up in the middle of the night, plays loud music while I'm trying to sleep, picks fights with me, and generally harasses me. If I ignore him, he just pokes and pokes and pokes. Says some really really mean and hurtful things. Brings up my ex husband, makes fun ofme, threatens to say this or that to my family, etc.

 

I think I've had enough. I've gained a bit of weight over the last few years and I feel really fat and ugly. About 70% of the gain was after I quit smoking and the other 30% was due to medication for an illness I suffer from. Lately, he has been picking on me about how I look (when he drinks). I have been trying to lose it and have already lost a few pounds but I've only become serious over the last few weeks.

 

Last night, he woke me up in the middle of the night after I begged him before I went to bed to let me sleep to please let me sleep as I had not slept well in days and had a long day at work today. This morning, he asked if I'm mad about it and I said yes. He was still in the post drunk mood. After that, he started attacking me about how gross I look. He kept calling me tubby and when I walked away said I was 'wobbling' and then proceeded to make fun of the way I walk. (I've gained weight but I'm not a whale and was even approached about becoming a face model last week so I'm not that gross even though I feel like I am). He also continued to bring up my ex (he knows it upsets me and does it to hurt me). He followed me to the bedroom while I was getting dressed and made repulsed sounds as I was changing. This entire time, I didn't say anything back because I really just wanted to get to work and leave the environment. When I got to work, I closed my office door and balled my eyes off.

 

Within a few minutes, he emailed me telling me he loves me and doesn't want to fight. I said ok to get him off my case because I knew he was still in drinking mode. He had several drinks at lunch and started drinking again when he came home from work. I did not get home until after 8 and he left shortly thereafter and is still out at almost 12.

 

I have a good career and a great family and have always held my head up high. He has taken so much away from me. But then...when he's sober and when we are in good terms he is a great husband which is why I have stayed. He makes me laugh and treats me well...but now, I am thinking it's time to make a move. I cannot live like this anymroe and have someone treat me so badly.

 

I am scared of another divorce. I'm scared of being alone. But...I really think he will never stop drinking. Please don't tell me to go to alanon. I've tried and I can't get over the religious aspect and please don't say it's not religious-only religious people think that. Besides, the schedule and location doesn't work for me. I don't know what to do. I love him but love isn't enough.

[semperdolens]

as an ex "professional" - but highly functioning - drunk, I feel your pain. I was never like your husband, but occasionally I would say horrible things to my wife, neglect the family and generally be a drunken *******. Having said that, I was mostly ok with the drink and functioned fine (held my job, cook for the family every evening, etc.).

 

I stopped over 6 months ago and I can tell you one thing: he has to stop. He won't do anything about it if you don't shock him into doing it. You have to talk to him (when he is not drunk, obviously) and you have to tell him that you've had enough and that you will leave him if he doesn't stop. Then, the ball is in his court.

 

My wife never had to threaten me like that. I was perfectly aware that she hated it. So, I gave up on my own one day (I have other family problems, now, but that's irrelevant). It won't be easy for him. Some people say that you stop drinking when you are ready. Yes, fine, but you need to know the consequences of what you are doing. You need to know that you are ruining not only your health, but your family and your future...

 

Why does he drink? He must be very unhappy, for some reason... does he drink because is he now badly addicted? How much does he drink? Have you got any children?

[hooghie]

Thanks for your post Semperdolans. We don't have children. He is also a relatively functioning alcoholic. He's been drinking since high school. He just loves it. He can't have a good time in a social setting without alchohol. He will sit in a corner with a sour face but if he's drinking, he's the life of the party.

 

We are suppose to travel 2 weekends in a row to see family and a wedding. I'm considering bailing to show that I'm serious but I'm a bit afraid of the consequences. My worst fear is that he will get drunk and involve my family.

 

When I ask him not to drink he says that I just want to control him. While he has admitted to having a drinking problem at times, he generally thinks he does not.

[semperdolens]

sadly, it seems to me that he likes his drinking more than he likes you or a relationship with you. I don't know how old he is, but, if he is drinking since high school, he probably never grew up... hence the obnoxious behavior when he is drinking. It's horrible stuff.

Since he doesn't generally think he has a problem, I'm afraid you will have to take drastic action. Living with an alcoholic (and that's what he is) is no fun. Do you really want to do that for the rest of your life? And I can only tell you that it will get worse. Just wait until he starts drinking in the morning, because he will.

 

I would bail out of the weekend. You need to show him that you are serious about it. He will have to make a choice: you or the drink. Since it seems that he still enjoys drinking very much, expect to be rejected. But bailing out will be some sort of intervention. A light will come on and - hopefully - he will realize that you mean it. Good luck!

[overseas2004]

I dont understand why anyone would want to spend one minute living like that and prefer it over being alone. You should seperate from him and see if he works out his problems. If not, you will lose the weight and find someone else. Our lives are too short to live like this no?

[mem11363]

From the sound of your post you deserve much, much better then this. He MIGHT sober up during a divorce. If he does - and he stays sober long enough and attends AA meetings regularly (I think they do help), maybe he can save your marriage.

 

That is so sad. As for the weight - weight issues are difficult. Find a partner to be "healthy" with - like to walk with daily at lunch or in the evening, and make sure to keep problem foods out of the house. The coolest thing in the world is to switch to a permanenet "lifestyle" that slowly but steadily gets you to your goal. I think this matters for a few reasons. It will help YOUR self esteem and honestly it will also give you more dating choices.

 

When you tell him you are ending it - you need to simply be security conscious because when he is drunk in the days/weeks after you tell him it might not be good / safe for you to both be in the same house.

 

I don't know where to start. I have to start in the middle. Sorry it's still so long.

 

My husband has a very very bad drinking problem. When he drinks, he drinks for a few days, then there is a day or two where he sleeps then a few days (sometimes longer) of sobriety then it starts again. He did quit for a few months due to an emergency situation but ever since that has ended, it seems that he is making up for lost time!

 

Anyway. When he drinks he becomes a huge jerk. He annoys the heck out of me. Wakes me up in the middle of the night, plays loud music while I'm trying to sleep, picks fights with me, and generally harasses me. If I ignore him, he just pokes and pokes and pokes. Says some really really mean and hurtful things. Brings up my ex husband, makes fun ofme, threatens to say this or that to my family, etc.

 

I think I've had enough. I've gained a bit of weight over the last few years and I feel really fat and ugly. About 70% of the gain was after I quit smoking and the other 30% was due to medication for an illness I suffer from. Lately, he has been picking on me about how I look (when he drinks). I have been trying to lose it and have already lost a few pounds but I've only become serious over the last few weeks.

 

Last night, he woke me up in the middle of the night after I begged him before I went to bed to let me sleep to please let me sleep as I had not slept well in days and had a long day at work today. This morning, he asked if I'm mad about it and I said yes. He was still in the post drunk mood. After that, he started attacking me about how gross I look. He kept calling me tubby and when I walked away said I was 'wobbling' and then proceeded to make fun of the way I walk. (I've gained weight but I'm not a whale and was even approached about becoming a face model last week so I'm not that gross even though I feel like I am). He also continued to bring up my ex (he knows it upsets me and does it to hurt me). He followed me to the bedroom while I was getting dressed and made repulsed sounds as I was changing. This entire time, I didn't say anything back because I really just wanted to get to work and leave the environment. When I got to work, I closed my office door and balled my eyes off.

 

Within a few minutes, he emailed me telling me he loves me and doesn't want to fight. I said ok to get him off my case because I knew he was still in drinking mode. He had several drinks at lunch and started drinking again when he came home from work. I did not get home until after 8 and he left shortly thereafter and is still out at almost 12.

 

I have a good career and a great family and have always held my head up high. He has taken so much away from me. But then...when he's sober and when we are in good terms he is a great husband which is why I have stayed. He makes me laugh and treats me well...but now, I am thinking it's time to make a move. I cannot live like this anymroe and have someone treat me so badly.

 

I am scared of another divorce. I'm scared of being alone. But...I really think he will never stop drinking. Please don't tell me to go to alanon. I've tried and I can't get over the religious aspect and please don't say it's not religious-only religious people think that. Besides, the schedule and location doesn't work for me. I don't know what to do. I love him but love isn't enough.

[TaraMaiden]

hoogie, ask yourself, just what does he have to do to make you realise that one, you can't fix this simply by talking to him, or trying to convince him, and that two, you are not dependent on him for your happiness and security, because he'snot giving you either one....

 

I think this has become so habitual and such a part of your life, that you truly believe this is all there is.

Well, it isn't.

Please believe me - and the others - when I tell you - he's a jerk, he's never going to change, and he is destructive and completely negative when it comes to being your other half.

leave, please leave - or turf him out, it's despicable.

 

Listen to semperdolens.

if anyone has really told you like it is, he has.

Your H has to stop. As his own decision.

he has to see, to really realise for himself, just what a total loser he is being.

 

If it takes you doing something drastic and motivating him to do the right thing, then do it.

i

If you do it and he still refuses to do the right thing - you will be so much better off without him.

And remember - much as it might hurt to admit this - you're enabling his behaviour and giving him the ok to perpetuate it, because you're not standing your ground and doing the right thing for you.

 

End it, now.

[Carm]

I cannot help but feel really bad for you. Nobody deserves this sort of verbal abuse whether drinking is a factor or not.

 

I've been in this sort of relationship before and I'm telling you that you need to take care of your mental health and rebuilt what he's shattered.

 

Good luck