When you want an apology for something done in the past- is it better to hold it in?

[angie2443]

My father died several years ago. I was not close to my father, due to abuse and other issues. My husband knew this. When I first found out my father had cancer and we found out it was terminal, I went through a mourning period. I broke down, sometimes every 5 minutes, crying. Niether I nor my husband expected this. Anyways, at this point, we both realized that his dying was affecting me deeply.

 

It was after this realization, and when my father was still in hospice, that my husband was talking with a couple of his friends and they all, including my husband, were loudly joking about the money my father was going to leave us when he died (my father was not rich, but he left us a couple thousand dollars). This hurt me deeply. I mentioned it to him after his friends left and he defended his and their actions. I never recieved an apology and he never acknowledged that I was hurt by his words. I've wanted an apology or at least an acknowledgement for years now.

 

last night he said something that triggered that memory. It was something little, but the memory is so painful that it comes up easily sometimes. I don't know if I should let this go again, or bring it up again. I don't want to open up a can of worms, but at the same time, I want this to be resolved

 

Any ideas? Thanks.

[giotto]

well, knowing how upset you were about your father, I think it was quite insentive of him and his to joke about that. And he should have apologised afterwards.

 

Now, you are obvioulsy still affected by that. Personally, I would bring it up. It needs closure, don't you think? I'm sure your H will understand. Approach the subject carefully and explain your reasons for bringing it up. If he is an intelligent person, he won't have a problem with it. On the other hand, I'm a bit worried that you can't talk to your H openly abouth this kind of stuff... you should be able to...

[angie2443]

. It needs closure, don't you think? ...

 

Yes, you're right. I'll talk to him tonight when the kids go to bed.

 

I know I should be able to talk to him about these things openly and it's much easier to do this now then it was back in the past. At the same time, were still working on our relationship. We've come a long way and still have a way to go.

[giotto]

I understand... I'm not quite aware of your situation (didn't have time to refresh my memory!), but if you let it simmering inside your head, it will become an even bigger issue... good luck!

[vox]

I think you might be looking at this the wrong way. To your husband, that man is only someone who caused you ridiculous amounts of pain, shame and embarrassment.

 

To him, in his way, he's defending your honor and you're in the throes of grief telling him that he's wrong... for defending the woman he loves?

 

I'm not saying you're not entitled to your feelings, but there's definitely more than one interpretation here.

[Prarie]

"To him, in his way, he's defending your honor and you're in the throes of grief telling him that he's wrong... for defending the woman he loves?"

 

I don't really agree with this but I'm sure he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you. I know what you mean about being surprised by the feelings that surface upon losing someone that you have a less-than-stellar relationship with.

 

Sounds like an insensitive comment that you weren't necessarily intended to hear, if I am reading your post correctly. I agree that you should let him know that it was and still is very upsetting to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the healing comes not from his apology but from your chance to speak your mind. Sometimes, just saying it out loud is enough to clear the air. I'd find the right time to bring it up (a bottle of wine and two glasses comes to mind) and, in a non-hostile way, let him know that this has been on your mind. Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky