Inside The Mind of a Cheater

[Devil Inside]

So I have been here on LS a little under a month, and in that time have really gained a lot of insight into the dynamics of As and all those involved. In many ways it has been more helpful than my IC or other therapeutic venues.

 

I now feel that I am at a point where I really want to do a serious self examination as to why I had an affair and where to go from here to be a healthy person. I know that there are issues in my marriage, and with my character, and those will all be addressed, but the purpose of this thread is for me to really look at myself with a magnifying glass and figure out what made me cheat on my wife.

 

I am inviting you all along for the journey. I am open to feedback and questions...actually I encourage them. I will, as always, be honest and that may trigger a lot of you. I find that this honesty is the only way to really get the feedback that I need.

 

I hope this also keeps me from hijacking the other threads with my own drama, and instead keeps me focused on answering the OP's question. I also hope this gives me something to reflect back on as I take this path. Along the way I hope that some of you can gain something from this...maybe you see a little of yourself or someone close to you in my words...and maybe you will even have an AHA moment or two. Thanks for reading.

[angie2443]

I guess this will be interesting. You can also start a journal on here, although, I suspect you'll get more feedback from this thread.

[Devil Inside]

So...for starters...I have noticed a pattern in the women that I am attracted to. They all are hurting, have low self esteem, and give me the sense that they need me. I can remember a time in the beginning of most of my relationships where the woman would look up at me and tell me that I was the reason they believed in people again...and that I treated them like no one else. I was usually the guy to come along after the jerk. Being the sensitive, empathic, romantic, creative, and passionate guy...they never experienced someone like me taking care of them.

 

Ahh yes...I am a collector of wounded souls. Scary thing is...this is my mother...to a T. She is the biggest wounded woman of them all. I can remember having to take care of her as a young boy. Helping her when she felt bad. Helping her get my sister ready. Helping her after she divorced my dad. Feeling guilty and like it waa my fault when she abandoned me at the age of twelve and we were sent to live with my father in California.

 

So here I am, choosing mommy over and over so that she can tell me what a good boy I am when I take care of her.

 

Then my wife comes along. Ohh she really needed me in the beginning. She got out of a relationship with a jerk that treated her like she was nothing...and she allowed it. Then I rode in on my white horse. Even through our three year realtionship in college and through our first years of marriage the dynamic is obvious looking back...I take care of her...she adores me.

 

Then it changed. After her EA a few years back she went to therapy. She started to lose weight. She got a job. She started to own her womanhood. There is still insecurity there (proabably from being married to a cheater) but she has really grown. Now she doesn't need me anymore. I know that she is not with me because she is afraid that she can't get another man anymore, it's because she chooses me...she told me this. So what does that mean...well I am no longer the sun and the moon. I am no longer adored.

 

So I went out and found a wounded woman. My xOW...just ending a nasty M. From a strict religious background where her family and community judge her for divorce. She feels like a slut. She is raising two kids mostly alone. The her hero shows up...and she adores me. Ughhhh! It is so clear to me. Well at least this part. I am forever looking for mommy to tell me she loves me. I look for that lost validation from childhood through sex...through desire...through being "in love."

[vox]

So I have been here on LS a little under a month, and in that time have really gained a lot of insight into the dynamics of As and all those involved. In many ways it has been more helpful than my IC or other therapeutic venues.

 

I now feel that I am at a point where I really want to do a serious self examination as to why I had an affair and where to go from here to be a healthy person. I know that there are issues in my marriage, and with my character, and those will all be addressed, but the purpose of this thread is for me to really look at myself with a magnifying glass and figure out what made me cheat on my wife.

 

I am inviting you all along for the journey. I am open to feedback and questions...actually I encourage them. I will, as always, be honest and that may trigger a lot of you. I find that this honesty is the only way to really get the feedback that I need.

 

I hope this also keeps me from hijacking the other threads with my own drama, and instead keeps me focused on answering the OP's question. I also hope this gives me something to reflect back on as I take this path. Along the way I hope that some of you can gain something from this...maybe you see a little of yourself or someone close to you in my words...and maybe you will even have an AHA moment or two. Thanks for reading.

 

Everything comes down to three things: sex, money and power. We use one or two of those to secure the rest. They're Life's currency.

 

So, which one was out of balance for you in your marriage?

[vox]

Ah, the power of being the White Knight. Because we can't have self-worth unless we're needed.

[angie2443]

...I have noticed a pattern in the women that I am attracted to. They all are hurting, have low self esteem, and give me the sense that they need me. I can remember a time in the beginning of most of my relationships where the woman would look up at me and tell me that I was the reason they believed in people again...and that I treated them like no one else. I was usually the guy to come along after the jerk. Being the sensitive, empathic, romantic, creative, and passionate guy...they never experienced someone like me taking care of them.

."

 

Superman complex! I believe most men have this to at least a small degree. Everyone wants to be a hero.

 

The problem happens when the person you've saved can now stand on their own two feet and they no longer validate you as the hero. Building a relationship on bieng superman is sure to fail in the end, one way or another. Just my 2 cents.

[Devil Inside]

Everything comes down to three things: sex, money and power. We use one or two of those to secure the rest. They're Life's currency.

 

So, which one was out of balance for you in your marriage?

 

It was sex.

[NoIDidn't]

Knight-in-shining-armouritis!

 

My H suffers from the same ailment. It seems like its hard to stop having that tendency.

 

The question I have for you, like I did for him, is if you suffer from this illness - why not direct that desire to help to your obviously hurting spouse? Or is it that you don't feel capable of fixing messes that you actually had a hand in? I mean that sincerely, and not as any kind of dig.

 

I noticed that my H procrastinated (still does to a lesser extent) all day on everything I asked of him, but if someone else asked it - it was done lickity split! It seems to go hand in hand with the "itis".

 

What do you think of these two things?

[foreal]

 

 

she has really grown. Now she doesn't need me anym I know that she is not with me because ore.she is afraid that she can't get another man anymore, it's because she chooses me...she told me this. So what does that mean...well I am no longer the sun and the moon. I am no longer adored.

 

 

 

That your wife is no longer needy, yet still needs you, can be looked at in a positive way. You have the desire to take care of someone, hopefully your W.

 

Your W no longer is needy for a man to take care of her, however, she still needs YOU...being needy is needing ANYONE, a desperate position....but she needs YOU, not anyone, that is not desperate, that is love..and isn't that the ultimate in caretaking for you, to take care of someone who is in need of YOU, not needy in general?

[Devil Inside]

Knight-in-shining-armouritis!

 

My H suffers from the same ailment. It seems like its hard to stop having that tendency.

 

The question I have for you, like I did for him, is if you suffer from this illness - why not direct that desire to help to your obviously hurting spouse? Or is it that you don't feel capable of fixing messes that you actually had a hand in? I mean that sincerely, and not as any kind of dig.

 

I noticed that my H procrastinated (still does to a lesser extent) all day on everything I asked of him, but if someone else asked it - it was done lickity split! It seems to go hand in hand with the "itis".

 

What do you think of these two things?

 

Why don't I help my hurting spouse? Well up until recently she wasn't hurting. She does not know about the A, but I gave her the old I love you...not "in love" with you speech after the A was done because she noticed that I was distant. The other reason I don't help her as much as I should is that she is handling this whole thing beautifully. Maintaining her boundaries. Told me she was in, but was not going to convince me to love her. She is willing to go to MC and make whatever changes we need to make as a couple...but she made it clear this is about me and I need to work on it. So really, she is not broken...hurting yes...but not broken.

 

My other insight on this same question is that yeah I had a hand in this so I am following my usual tendency of avoidance. I think I pick broken women so that I don't have to look at that which is broken in me. So avoiding what is broken in my own marriage is typical on my end.

[Devil Inside]

That your wife is no longer needy, yet still needs you, can be looked at in a positive way. You have the desire to take care of someone, hopefully your W.

 

Your W no longer is needy for a man to take care of her, however, she still needs YOU...being needy is needing ANYONE, a desperate position....but she needs YOU, not anyone, that is not desperate, that is love..and isn't that the ultimate in caretaking for you, to take care of someone who is in need of YOU, not needy in general?

 

The more I write about my W the more I realize what a fool I am for cheating on her. She really is a loving woman...and I am so proud of the growth she has shown. I hope I can follow suit...they say in a R when one person grows either the other follows or the R is over...we'll see here.

[Lizzie60]

Devil.. I know you want to make your M works..

 

but honestly...

 

Do you really think you will never cheat again?

[foreal]

So...for starters...I have noticed a pattern in the women that I am attracted to. They all are hurting, have low self esteem, and give me the sense that they need me. I can remember a time in the beginning of most of my relationships where the woman would look up at me and tell me that I was the reason they believed in people again...and that I treated them like no one else. I was usually the guy to come along after the jerk. Being the sensitive, empathic, romantic, creative, and passionate guy...they never experienced someone like me taking care of them.

 

Ahh yes...I am a collector of wounded souls. Scary thing is...this is my mother...to a T. She is the biggest wounded woman of them all. I can remember having to take care of her as a young boy. Helping her when she felt bad. Helping her get my sister ready. Helping her after she divorced my dad. Feeling guilty and like it waa my fault when she abandoned me at the age of twelve and we were sent to live with my father in California.

 

So here I am, choosing mommy over and over so that she can tell me what a good boy I am when I take care of her.

 

Then my wife comes along. Ohh she really needed me in the beginning. She got out of a relationship with a jerk that treated her like she was nothing...and she allowed it. Then I rode in on my white horse. Even through our three year realtionship in college and through our first years of marriage the dynamic is obvious looking back...I take care of her...she adores me.

 

Then it changed. After her EA a few years back she went to therapy. She started to lose weight. She got a job. She started to own her womanhood. There is still insecurity there (proabably from being married to a cheater) but she has really grown. Now she doesn't need me anymore. I know that she is not with me because she is afraid that she can't get another man anymore, it's because she chooses me...she told me this. So what does that mean...well I am no longer the sun and the moon. I am no longer adored.

 

So I went out and found a wounded woman. My xOW...just ending a nasty M. From a strict religious background where her family and community judge her for divorce. She feels like a slut. She is raising two kids mostly alone. The her hero shows up...and she adores me. Ughhhh! It is so clear to me. Well at least this part. I am forever looking for mommy to tell me she loves me. I look for that lost validation from childhood through sex...through desire...through being "in love."

 

My question is still the same:

isn't that the ultimate in caretaking for you, to take care of someone who is in need of YOU, not needy in general?

 

is it?

[ladydesigner]

So...for starters...I have noticed a pattern in the women that I am attracted to. They all are hurting, have low self esteem, and give me the sense that they need me. I can remember a time in the beginning of most of my relationships where the woman would look up at me and tell me that I was the reason they believed in people again...and that I treated them like no one else. I was usually the guy to come along after the jerk. Being the sensitive, empathic, romantic, creative, and passionate guy...they never experienced someone like me taking care of them.

 

Ahh yes...I am a collector of wounded souls. Scary thing is...this is my mother...to a T. She is the biggest wounded woman of them all. I can remember having to take care of her as a young boy. Helping her when she felt bad. Helping her get my sister ready. Helping her after she divorced my dad. Feeling guilty and like it waa my fault when she abandoned me at the age of twelve and we were sent to live with my father in California.

 

So here I am, choosing mommy over and over so that she can tell me what a good boy I am when I take care of her.

 

Then my wife comes along. Ohh she really needed me in the beginning. She got out of a relationship with a jerk that treated her like she was nothing...and she allowed it. Then I rode in on my white horse. Even through our three year realtionship in college and through our first years of marriage the dynamic is obvious looking back...I take care of her...she adores me.

 

Then it changed. After her EA a few years back she went to therapy. She started to lose weight. She got a job. She started to own her womanhood. There is still insecurity there (proabably from being married to a cheater) but she has really grown. Now she doesn't need me anymore. I know that she is not with me because she is afraid that she can't get another man anymore, it's because she chooses me...she told me this. So what does that mean...well I am no longer the sun and the moon. I am no longer adored.

 

So I went out and found a wounded woman. My xOW...just ending a nasty M. From a strict religious background where her family and community judge her for divorce. She feels like a slut. She is raising two kids mostly alone. The her hero shows up...and she adores me. Ughhhh! It is so clear to me. Well at least this part. I am forever looking for mommy to tell me she loves me. I look for that lost validation from childhood through sex...through desire...through being "in love."

 

 

Wow DI and for me I have been looking for daddy to tell me he loves me lol. I have many of my own childhooh "daddy" issues that led me into my affair...lots of them.

[NoIDidn't]

Why don't I help my hurting spouse? Well up until recently she wasn't hurting. She does not know about the A, but I gave her the old I love you...not "in love" with you speech after the A was done because she noticed that I was distant. The other reason I don't help her as much as I should is that she is handling this whole thing beautifully. Maintaining her boundaries. Told me she was in, but was not going to convince me to love her. She is willing to go to MC and make whatever changes we need to make as a couple...but she made it clear this is about me and I need to work on it. So really, she is not broken...hurting yes...but not broken.

 

My other insight on this same question is that yeah I had a hand in this so I am following my usual tendency of avoidance. I think I pick broken women so that I don't have to look at that which is broken in me. So avoiding what is broken in my own marriage is typical on my end.

 

 

Sounds very familiar to me.

 

My H didn't feel capable of fixing our relationship, so he avoided it and found someone he felt he could help.

 

I wasn't necessarily saying that your W was broken, though. I was/am, but that was from before he married me. After his A, I worked on my own brokenness, but I never expected him to fix it or rescue me.

 

He said that trait was attractive and somewhat threatening at the same time. Attractive because I was taking an interest in my own emotional well-being. Threatening because he was afraid that I would realize that I didn't need him.

 

But I didn't need him. And told him that since we were dating. I want him, not need him. It seems that feeling needed only feeds Knight-in-Shining-Armouritis. No?

[Devil Inside]

Devil.. I know you want to make your M works..

 

but honestly...

 

Do you really think you will never cheat again?

 

I think that if i don't figure out how to fill this emptiness in my soul then I will be doomed to a life of sabotaging all that is good.

 

Point is...I don't want to cheat again...which is why I soul search.

 

Will I?...I hope not...but I am not going to fool myself into the trap of saying never...I know that me cheating was not about my xOW it was about me...and no matter where I go...there I am.

[Mz. Pixie]

I have tons of posts on this board about infidelity. I'm one of the few who have admitted to it and still come here.

 

What else are you doing to mend yourself? I would recommend individual counseling.

 

Not sure if this make sense to you or not- but what you did is to satisfy a deep hole inside yourself. Once you figure out that no one else can fill that hole up by you (or your higher power) then you'll really get it.

[angie2443]

Wow DI and for me I have been looking for daddy to tell me he loves me lol. I have many of my own childhooh "daddy" issues that led me into my affair...lots of them.

 

You know, many of have had poor relationships with one or both of our parents. At some point, however, we have to take responsibility for own actions and own lives. If we don't, we'll be repeating the same mistakes forever.

[Devil Inside]

My question is still the same:

isn't that the ultimate in caretaking for you, to take care of someone who is in need of YOU, not needy in general?

 

is it?

 

For the dysfunctional side of me the ultimate caretaking is a woman who needs me to the point that she puts me up on two pedestals. Probably why I became a therapist.

 

The healthy version of me does want a relationship with someone that is truly a partner...not someone that depends on me for everything.

[Lizzie60]

At least you're honest about it..

 

I think and I honestly don't say that to discourage you.. believe me.. I don't.. but I think that when someone has been damaged in childhood... it's almost impossible to heal from those profound wounds..

 

I'm not saying that it can't be done.. I just think someone would have to be supernaturally strong..

[Devil Inside]

But I didn't need him. And told him that since we were dating. I want him, not need him. It seems that feeling needed only feeds Knight-in-Shining-Armouritis. No?

 

For me it is being needed and sexually desired. Which itis would that be?

[Devil Inside]

I have tons of posts on this board about infidelity. I'm one of the few who have admitted to it and still come here.

 

What else are you doing to mend yourself? I would recommend individual counseling.

 

Not sure if this make sense to you or not- but what you did is to satisfy a deep hole inside yourself. Once you figure out that no one else can fill that hole up by you (or your higher power) then you'll really get it.

 

Bingo Mz...yeah this makes all the sense in the world. I am currently between ICs but going back soon. I am also looking at Sex/Love Addict literature...I have a history with other addictions...so this may be that too.

[Devil Inside]

You know, many of have had poor relationships with one or both of our parents. At some point, however, we have to take responsibility for own actions and own lives. If we don't, we'll be repeating the same mistakes forever.

 

I agree...we can't help the cards we were dealt...we can only control how we play the hand. Exactly why this journey starts with working on myself.

[Devil Inside]

At least you're honest about it..

 

I think and I honestly don't say that to discourage you.. believe me.. I don't.. but I think that when someone has been damaged in childhood... it's almost impossible to heal from those profound wounds..

 

I'm not saying that it can't be done.. I just think someone would have to be supernaturally strong..

 

I agree that it is hard. I can tell you though, first hand, as a therapist, that I have worked with clients that have made amazing breakthroughs. Not that their personality changed 100%, but that they learned to accept all sides of themselves and stopped destructive behaviors. This is my goal.

[ladydesigner]

You know, many of have had poor relationships with one or both of our parents. At some point, however, we have to take responsibility for own actions and own lives. If we don't, we'll be repeating the same mistakes forever.

 

I agree that it is hard. I can tell you though, first hand, as a therapist, that I have worked with clients that have made amazing breakthroughs. Not that their personality changed 100%, but that they learned to accept all sides of themselves and stopped destructive behaviors. This is my goal.

 

I now know that I am in need of some IC. I used to go to IC but that was for another childhood issue. I really do hope that I can overcome this.