Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 I now know that I am in need of some IC. I used to go to IC but that was for another childhood issue. I really do hope that I can overcome this. LD you can. One of the reasons why we get caught up in our childhood stuff is because it imprints the child mind at an early age and then we use this as a paradigm from which we view the world and interpret experiences. Once you work through viewing your childhood from an adult perspective you can begin to create a new paradigm for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
KonfusedinCanada Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Wow DI and for me I have been looking for daddy to tell me he loves me lol. I have many of my own childhooh "daddy" issues that led me into my affair...lots of them. Hey LD - I second the Daddy issues! 100% Mine was loss of Daddy - my best friend, my security, the man who took care of me my whole life - he passed away 10 years ago - and my relationships with men have never been the same Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Hey LD - I second the Daddy issues! 100% Mine was loss of Daddy - my best friend, my security, the man who took care of me my whole life - he passed away 10 years ago - and my relationships with men have never been the same Looks like we need to get a support group going on this one...geeze. This is another huge reason I need to work on my crap...I have a daughter...a beautiful third grader...she is my princess...I don't want her to end up in messed up relationships because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 DI You may have answered this question elsewhere and I missed it BUT Do you think that your wife's EA played into the way things unfolded with the OW? What steps did you and your W take to rebuild your marriage after her EA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 DI You may have answered this question elsewhere and I missed it BUT Do you think that your wife's EA played into the way things unfolded with the OW? What steps did you and your W take to rebuild your marriage after her EA? I think it definitely did. I was really hurt by her EA. I don't know if I ever really healed from it. After it happened she cut off all contact with him and gave me all her passwords to her accounts online. She also told me it was a mistake and told me she loved me. We never went to MC. Neither of us went to IC. We never really worked on it now that I think back. A year and a half back she was having a hard time feeling connected to me and we both did IC after that. That was when she really seemed more confident and mature. She said she worked on why she had the EA in therapy then (almost two years after it happened.) I worked on insecurity in the relationship and how to be more present. However, thinking back...we never did work on rebuilding in any official way...just a time heals all wounds kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I am now wondering how common the superman complex is among men who cheat. My H also said he felt like I didn't need him. The thing is....he was right. I didn't/don't need him. I love him. I want him. But Need him? No. I always thought he admired my independence and in many ways he did, but he also felt threatened by it. His OW seemed to need him to build her up more and she built him up to the high heavens. He was approaching mid life and he could discuss all his dreams with her and it all seemed like it was all ahead of him and for her it was all brand new and exciting and she would be along for the ride. I think when he discussed his dreams with me, many of his dreams had been on the table since we met back in college. I think when he talked about things with me he felt like it was a symbol of his failure to reach all his goals because here he was with a wife and a child and he wasn't there yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 For the dysfunctional side of me the ultimate caretaking is a woman who needs me to the point that she puts me up on two pedestals. Probably why I became a therapist. The healthy version of me does want a relationship with someone that is truly a partner...not someone that depends on me for everything. Nearly everyone who cheats is simply self centered to a point that is just disgusting. It took me some time to realize how bad I was as a person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Nearly everyone who cheats is simply self centered to a point that is just disgusting. It took me some time to realize how bad I was as a person. No arguing here. Everyone thinks I am such a great guy...always helping, supportive, listens to everyone's problems...thing is...I do all this to feed my need to feel needed...not because I am this great guy that wants to help everyone else. It is a manipulative way to achieve validation. As I work on myself I am going to start to set boundaries for myself. I am going to ask for what I need and want. No more of these sneaky, subversive, manipulative BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I am now wondering how common the superman complex is among men who cheat. My H also said he felt like I didn't need him. The thing is....he was right. I didn't/don't need him. I love him. I want him. But Need him? No. I always thought he admired my independence and in many ways he did, but he also felt threatened by it. I would not call it a superman complex... but I can say that nearly every guy I know has similar feelings on this. You will always be less attractive as a woman if you try to be the independent type. Think of it like this. As a man I have a very strong protective instinct. The more independent acting women don't really trigger that instinct well, while women who seem emotionally vulnerable do. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 that is why men love high heels on women...we look oh so vulnerable teetering on those stilletos.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 I would not call it a superman complex... but I can say that nearly every guy I know has similar feelings on this. You will always be less attractive as a woman if you try to be the independent type. . You know...I am kind of weird on this one. My xOW was very broken in certain areas...but very independent in others. Consciously I was attracted to those confident and independent sides of her. For example...she was very confident with her sexuality. She and I did all kinds of things I never thought I would fueled by her confidence. I also liked how she was almost "bitchy" at her job. She was a supervisor and she did not back down from anyone. I though this is why I was drawn to her. The subcinsciously she really relied on me for a lot. So in that way...another broken woman...she really relied on me for emotional support...and to tell her how beautiful she was...etc..etc Who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 No arguing here. Everyone thinks I am such a great guy...always helping, supportive, listens to everyone's problems...thing is...I do all this to feed my need to feel needed...not because I am this great guy that wants to help everyone else. It is a manipulative way to achieve validation. 2 nights ago my H said the same thing to me regarding himself...just used different words. I told him he had no self worth. He cried. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 No arguing here. Everyone thinks I am such a great guy...always helping, supportive, listens to everyone's problems...thing is...I do all this to feed my need to feel needed...not because I am this great guy that wants to help everyone else. How do you tell the difference? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 that is why men love high heels on women...we look oh so vulnerable teetering on those stilletos.. Umm... Men could care less about shoes. I think high heels are a female invention to impress other women. You know...I am kind of weird on this one. My xOW was very broken in certain areas...but very independent in others. Consciously I was attracted to those confident and independent sides of her. For example...she was very confident with her sexuality. She and I did all kinds of things I never thought I would fueled by her confidence. I also liked how she was almost "bitchy" at her job. She was a supervisor and she did not back down from anyone. I though this is why I was drawn to her. The subcinsciously she really relied on me for a lot. So in that way...another broken woman...she really relied on me for emotional support...and to tell her how beautiful she was...etc..etc Who knows. That is the key right there! It's not about being sexually confident, or financially independent... or whatever. It's about being emotionally vulnerable. That can make a woman extremely attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 No arguing here. Everyone thinks I am such a great guy...always helping, supportive, listens to everyone's problems...thing is...I do all this to feed my need to feel needed...not because I am this great guy that wants to help everyone else. It is a manipulative way to achieve validation. 2 nights ago my H said the same thing to me regarding himself...just used different words. I told him he had no self worth. He cried. He cried b/c it's true. My self-esteem is like zero...well maybe one or two these days. I am working on this...because having no core makes for a pathetic human being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 How do you tell the difference? I don't know. How tuned is your BS meter. I think one thing to look for is how they keep their boundaries. Do the do everything for everyone? Do they never seem pissed or overworked? Do they ever say..."no...I don't do that." Because someone that seems to good to be true is probably like me...being nice to get what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 He cried b/c it's true. My self-esteem is like zero...well maybe one or two these days. I am working on this...because having no core makes for a pathetic human being. Where does your self esteem come from? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I would not call it a superman complex... but I can say that nearly every guy I know has similar feelings on this. You will always be less attractive as a woman if you try to be the independent type. Think of it like this. As a man I have a very strong protective instinct. The more independent acting women don't really trigger that instinct well, while women who seem emotionally vulnerable do. In dealing with my H infidelity I am understanding this protective instinct a little more. BUT I am not/was not trying to be any sort of type. It is just who I am and who I have always been. AND when I say I didn't/don't need him, I am saying I don't need him to validate me and I take responsibility for my own happiness. I get what you are saying, but truly, what the hell are you going to do with a needy woman when you are in the middle of one of life's inevitible sh** storms. Don't you need a woman who can be a warrior woman to have your back when you need it? For my H and possibly for DI I can see that having someone need you this way can feed your ego and fill a need, but doesn't it get exhausting for someone to need you to fill them up emotionally all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Umm... Men could care less about shoes. I think high heels are a female invention to impress other women. That is the key right there! It's not about being sexually confident, or financially independent... or whatever. It's about being emotionally vulnerable. That can make a woman extremely attractive. Not the shoes! The WOMAN in the shoes...high heels makes your ass stick out, your chest go forward...and again, it appears she is more vulnerable than some woman wearing Nikes !! Of course I know women who can move as fast in heels as they can in sneakers.... Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I don't know. How tuned is your BS meter. I think one thing to look for is how they keep their boundaries. Do the do everything for everyone? Do they never seem pissed or overworked? Do they ever say..."no...I don't do that." Because someone that seems to good to be true is probably like me...being nice to get what they want. Those are all good things to do. So... how do you get yourself to a point where your doing them for the right reasons? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Where does your self esteem come from? Well for starters it is going to come from me being honest with myself (for once) and integrating all parts of who I am. I need to accept myself for who I am and not try to project the image of who I am not...it's a matter of integrity..it starts there for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 For my H and possibly for DI I can see that having someone need you this way can feed your ego and fill a need, but doesn't it get exhausting for someone to need you to fill them up emotionally all the time? Yes it does get exhausting. Which makes no sense, because logically of course I want to be with an adult woman that is responsible for her and will be a partner in life...but I am attracted to broken women...this is why it is maddening...but it is going to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Not the shoes! The WOMAN in the shoes...high heels makes your ass stick out, your chest go forward...and again, it appears she is more vulnerable than some woman wearing Nikes !! Of course I know women who can move as fast in heels as they can in sneakers.... That's why I like em! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Those are all good things to do. So... how do you get yourself to a point where your doing them for the right reasons? OK...starting to think you are my old therapist here in secret...LOL...good questions. Well...I guess it starts with me really being honest about who I am...what I want...what I believe in. Then I need to learn to say no. If I don't want to do it...or if I am doing it to please and get validation...then I need to say no. Then I will be doing things that either I want to do...or that I am doing because it is based on something I value...like washing dishes because it keep my house clean (value) and shows my wife that I love her and want to lesse her load (value). Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 The subcinsciously she really relied on me for a lot. So in that way...another broken woman...she really relied on me for emotional support...and to tell her how beautiful she was...etc..etc DI your OW sounds a lot like myself. I am a really independent woman but boy did I really rely on my xOM for the emotional support and exactly that... to tell me how beautiful I was in a very non-sexual nature (if this makes any sense). I always feel like when it comes from my husband's mouth it is always very sexual in nature and not very meaningful. Link to post Share on other sites
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