Inside The Mind of a Cheater

[Devil Inside]

 

DI has said that he and his wife have been talking and changes are being made. Unless he is a sociopath, he will watch his wife make changes, go all out to make him happy in the marriage, and become more expressive of her love for him and he will look into her eyes and he will feel like a piece of sh**. He will feel like he doesn't deserve it. AND he won't deserve it. Real intimacy requires truth. Lies by their very nature keep you on the surface of things.

 

Last night as we were talking I started feeling like a piece alright. I wanted to tell her about the A. I think I am leaning towards doing it...but I am going to go to IC and build up my ego and prepare for the aftermath. If I do it now I think that I would crack under her pain and leave the marriage. Or maybe I am justifying avoiding conflict again...either way...I am not going to tell her until I have the guidance of a professional for both of our sakes.

[Devil Inside]

This is going to sound harsh DI, but you said you're a therapist, so you should be able to translate.

 

I've asked you before, are you going to tell your wife? If you go ahead and do it, you can accomplish "breaking" her again and then you might be able to feel attracted/in love with her again.

 

Point taken...and it wasn't harsh.

 

I guess that even though her "breaking" may make me attracted to her...I don't want that to be the reason I tell her. I want it to be because I owe her the truth.

[Devil Inside]

Is it?

 

Do you really think that is what most "healthy" men want to hear?

 

Don't most of us (men) have a natural desire... craving... for control/power? It's part of our self esteem. Where do you get that from? Work?

 

I would think that a woman saying she chooses you because you are her choice, rather than she is afraid that she has no other choices so it's you is a powerful place to be in.

 

As far as control...when we seek too much control from the external world...it is a reflection of how little control we feel internally.

[Devil Inside]

Well, don't wonder too much. My xSM was much like you, he flet he did everything while W was off getting massages. He also was as attracted to as intimidated by my independence. Anyway, what ended up happening, even though we didn't live together is that everytime I'd stay at his house I'd do all his laundry and cleaning and all that. Honestly, he did very little of anything (just a little laundry) in between when I'd do this. ANd I got to thinking, what happened to this guy who did all this cleaning for his W? The answer: he was still cleaning for his W, which is why I got no help cleaning up his own house.

 

He said it was nice to feel like he finally got taken care of. He was parentified pretty young and his W was very needy, so when the oppurtunity arose, he seemed to naturally be all too eager to have me take care of him for awhile. So perhaps, one or both of you would have been inclined to chill out and let the other take care of you.

 

Just had a thought reading that. My xOW used to get so angry that I would do all the crap I do for my wife. She would tell me that my wife was spoiled and that I shouldn't do all I do.

 

Maybe what she was really feeling was resentment and jealousy because if I did all this for my wife, why couldn't I do the work involved to be together with her. maybe she saw this as my actions showing who I was truly devoted to.

[NOTSURE7]

Point taken...and it wasn't harsh.

 

I guess that even though her "breaking" may make me attracted to her...I don't want that to be the reason I tell her. I want it to be because I owe her the truth.

 

you sound like you love your w and are wrestling with what to do, you sound alot like me when i first arrived here over 2 months ago,,,it has now been 7 weeks since my dday...

 

you know you owe her the truth, i would hope that is not even an issue, now its just a matter if you tell her or you dont....

 

when my world began to crumble and i could no longer keep things in my head and i felt like i finally needed to make a change, i confessed to my W, its a huge risk vs reward situation di...

 

you have to be ready for everything that will come with it, you will break her like you could never imagined and you will devastate her beyond belief, but on the flip side you will give her an honest chance to make an informed decision about her future.

 

If her choice is you then you will have broken her and then you need to build her and your M from the ground up, but at least you will know you are doing it honestly and openly and that you no longer harbor this secret and that she now knows who and what she is married too..

 

I am not giving advice one way or the other, you need to do whats best for you,there are days i wish i never told her but had i not i would never have broken the cycle and never given my m and my w a true chance... i beleive in the end i will be a better man as a result and our marriage will be stronger than ever, its a bumpy raod though and you have to be well prepared for what will come when you tell her, the only person who can make that decision is you DI..

[Untouchable_Fire]

I would think that a woman saying she chooses you because you are her choice, rather than she is afraid that she has no other choices so it's you is a powerful place to be in.

As far as control...when we seek too much control from the external world...it is a reflection of how little control we feel internally.

 

It sounds great on the surface doesn't it. So, why did we both choose something else when push comes to shove?

 

I say that those two things do not exist in mutual exclusivity. We desire to be wanted... and needed, not either or.

 

The admiration you received from xOW, the fact that you were something special to her, something very different... Where does the desire for that come from?

 

Don't you ardently strive to control how others perceive you?

[AlektraClementine]

Point taken...and it wasn't harsh.

 

I guess that even though her "breaking" may make me attracted to her...I don't want that to be the reason I tell her. I want it to be because I owe her the truth.

 

Excellent. And for the record, I am in no way advocating you "breaking" your wife for personal gain. What I said was more to prove a point.

 

 

I'm rooting for you to tell her but I don't necessarily disagree that you should get advice from your IC. Swiftly though. Don't pussyfoot around it. IMO she really is entitled to this information. The way I see it...you are enjoying the luxury of "discovering yourself" at her sole expense.

 

Good luck. For what it's worth, The work you're doing isn't peanuts. I think it's real. But it's also rooted in real selfishness. Which is exactly what I think YOU wish to stop doing.

[Devil Inside]

It sounds great on the surface doesn't it. So, why did we both choose something else when push comes to shove?

 

I say that those two things do not exist in mutual exclusivity. We desire to be wanted... and needed, not either or.

 

The admiration you received from xOW, the fact that you were something special to her, something very different... Where does the desire for that come from?

 

Don't you ardently strive to control how others perceive you?

 

Good point my friend...I do want both. However what I really want is to be healthy enough to be in a mutual relationship...where we are there for each other...but not dependent.

 

I do try to control how others perceive me...but I am working on breaking that cycle...and gaining internal strength. See... I am not healthy...but am trying to become that way.

[PhoenixRise]

Last night as we were talking I started feeling like a piece alright. I wanted to tell her about the A. I think I am leaning towards doing it...but I am going to go to IC and build up my ego and prepare for the aftermath. If I do it now I think that I would crack under her pain and leave the marriage. Or maybe I am justifying avoiding conflict again...either way...I am not going to tell her until I have the guidance of a professional for both of our sakes.

 

 

Then get thee to a professional quickly DI.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Good point my friend...I do want both. However what I really want is to be healthy enough to be in a mutual relationship...where we are there for each other...but not dependent.

I do try to control how others perceive me...but I am working on breaking that cycle...and gaining internal strength. See... I am not healthy...but am trying to become that way.

 

I know that within myself I have these competing desires, and when one is filled the other grows stronger. I am not sure there is a way to remove one or the other.

 

Why do you need to control how others see you? Is it as you said earlier... that you don't feel in control on the inside? Or is it something deeper?

[Devil Inside]

Why do you need to control how others see you? Is it as you said earlier... that you don't feel in control on the inside? Or is it something deeper?

 

Because I do not like who I am...and I fear others won't either. Thus working on myself is the key to really being able to love another.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Because I do not like who I am...and I fear others won't either. Thus working on myself is the key to really being able to love another.

 

Then is suppose the final question is... Who are you?

[Devil Inside]

Then is suppose the final question is... Who are you?

 

 

That's the project...I know pieces of myself...but really I have no core...I am putting it together as we speak.

 

Thanks for the questions....they helped me dig deeper.

[Untouchable_Fire]

That's the project...I know pieces of myself...but really I have no core...I am putting it together as we speak.

Thanks for the questins....they helped me dig deeper.

 

I'm not sure that I can even answer that question for myself.

 

I've made the mistake in the past of believing I am my labels, but now I am pretty sure that's not it. I'm not defined by what sport I play, or my hobbies, my financial status, my relationship status, my ethnicity, my gender, my social circle... ect.

 

What makes sense to me is that I am... my consciousness and my actions.

 

Anyway... I'm sure you will come up with your own answer. When you do, please share it with me!

[Aquarius Rising]

So...for starters...I have noticed a pattern in the women that I am attracted to. They all are hurting, have low self esteem, and give me the sense that they need me. I can remember a time in the beginning of most of my relationships where the woman would look up at me and tell me that I was the reason they believed in people again...and that I treated them like no one else. I was usually the guy to come along after the jerk. Being the sensitive, empathic, romantic, creative, and passionate guy...they never experienced someone like me taking care of them.

 

Ahh yes...I am a collector of wounded souls. Scary thing is...this is my mother...to a T. She is the biggest wounded woman of them all. I can remember having to take care of her as a young boy. Helping her when she felt bad. Helping her get my sister ready. Helping her after she divorced my dad. Feeling guilty and like it waa my fault when she abandoned me at the age of twelve and we were sent to live with my father in California.

 

So here I am, choosing mommy over and over so that she can tell me what a good boy I am when I take care of her.

 

Then my wife comes along. Ohh she really needed me in the beginning. She got out of a relationship with a jerk that treated her like she was nothing...and she allowed it. Then I rode in on my white horse. Even through our three year realtionship in college and through our first years of marriage the dynamic is obvious looking back...I take care of her...she adores me.

 

Then it changed. After her EA a few years back she went to therapy. She started to lose weight. She got a job. She started to own her womanhood. There is still insecurity there (proabably from being married to a cheater) but she has really grown. Now she doesn't need me anymore. I know that she is not with me because she is afraid that she can't get another man anymore, it's because she chooses me...she told me this. So what does that mean...well I am no longer the sun and the moon. I am no longer adored.

 

So I went out and found a wounded woman. My xOW...just ending a nasty M. From a strict religious background where her family and community judge her for divorce. She feels like a slut. She is raising two kids mostly alone. The her hero shows up...and she adores me. Ughhhh! It is so clear to me. Well at least this part. I am forever looking for mommy to tell me she loves me. I look for that lost validation from childhood through sex...through desire...through being "in love."

 

DI, the first thing I want to say is that you can identify a pattern of behaviour ... I'm attracted to 'this' type of person .... and it's because of the childhood wound around mum .... that is a really healthy piece of insight. You can work with that .... and that's what you need to do. Work with it and include your partner in that process.

 

My situation is similar. Through IC I have learned that I am looking for the man who will 'protect' me .... as my father was unable to do. The knight in shining armour that will place me in the position of 'most important person' in his life and can reassure me that 'everything will be alright'. My father was a violent abusive man and emotionally unavailable. I'm in my 40's now and I am STILL looking for what I missed out on. BUT!!! and this is the AHA moment. I thought I was going to have that with MM (wrong! he is just as messed up from his childhood), the person that CAN provide those things for me is the person I am married to, I know that now because I confided in him fully and I have been prepared to admit how desperately needy I still am ....... he loves me very much and has always known what I missed out on growing up .... he wants to help me work through that stuff. I think in hindsight, I already knew that he was the man but I kept telling myself .... 'it's over there, not here'.... probably because at tiimes I feel inferior to my H that he does not have these unmet needs. I am all he wants ..... and that's how it's always been for him.

 

I hope I'm not rambling too much ... it is early days in my recovery. What I would say is this, seriously consider the option of confiding fully in your W about what you've shared here and enlist her support to work on this stuff together as a team, otherwise you probably are likely to re-offend. It takes strength and courage to do it ... but what if your W is the woman who can meet those needs for ..... if you give her the chance?

 

AR

[MistyK]

Maybe what she was really feeling was resentment and jealousy because if I did all this for my wife, why couldn't I do the work involved to be together with her. maybe she saw this as my actions showing who I was truly devoted to.

 

BINGO!!!! I think that's exactly right. That's how it was for me.

[fooled once]

At least you're honest about it..

 

I think and I honestly don't say that to discourage you.. believe me.. I don't.. but I think that when someone has been damaged in childhood... it's almost impossible to heal from those profound wounds..

 

I'm not saying that it can't be done.. I just think someone would have to be supernaturally strong..

 

I disagree.

 

I was sexually abused as a child, by my older brother.

 

I was raped at 19 - my first sexual experience.

 

I am not damaged, my life is not broken, and the wounds I had have long healed.

 

WITH help, broken souls can be mended.

[MistyK]

Because I do not like who I am...and I fear others won't either. Thus working on myself is the key to really being able to love another.

 

This reminded me of something. My xSM used to say that he picked his W because she was "safe". He was never really passionate about her, but he loved her and knew that she would never leave or cheat on him. Additionally, she is not terribly introspective and allowed him to wall off from her without a fight. I don't think they ever really had true intimacy. The trouble is that although he felt very safe with her, he missed the intimacy terribly over time. And apparently that's where I came in. And that's why he had such a hard time leaving and can't un-enmesh, because he can't bare to give up the safety blanket. He can't stand being vulnerable.

 

He's been walled off his whole life because he was afraid that anyone getting close enough to him wouldn't like what they found. I clawed my way inside the walls because I can't stand being walled out. It annoyed him at times - it was uncomfortable and new, but I think that's why he felt so close to me. Do you suppose you walled your W off?

[Devil Inside]

This reminded me of something. My xSM used to say that he picked his W because she was "safe". He was never really passionate about her, but he loved her and knew that she would never leave or cheat on him. Additionally, she is not terribly introspective and allowed him to wall off from her without a fight. I don't think they ever really had true intimacy. The trouble is that although he felt very safe with her, he missed the intimacy terribly over time. And apparently that's where I came in. And that's why he had such a hard time leaving and can't un-enmesh, because he can't bare to give up the safety blanket. He can't stand being vulnerable.

 

He's been walled off his whole life because he was afraid that anyone getting close enough to him wouldn't like what they found. I clawed my way inside the walls because I can't stand being walled out. It annoyed him at times - it was uncomfortable and new, but I think that's why he felt so close to me. Do you suppose you walled your W off?

 

When I met my wife I was young, and at a very vulnerable time in my life. I did not have the emotional insight or communicative ability that I do now. I think a lot of what she saw in me is what she projected on to me. As we've grown older we have both changed and in many ways it is like being with different people...this is why I will always encourage my children to not get married too young...you never know what you're going to get. I don't think I walled off my wife...but she doesn't know me like she used to. In many ways we are safety blankets for each other.

 

When I met xOW it was the first time that I experienced falling in love with a woman in ten years. Being a different person this time it was a different experience. My xOW got to know me on deep levels in a very short amount of time...and I her. The emotional freedom we experienced with each other was very intoxicating.

 

In this process I have been sharing insights into my dysfunction with my wife. She has been sharing more with me. I feel like I can reach a new level of intimacy with her.

 

One thing that my xOW did was help me tap into a deeper level of myself. She reawakened my heart. She gave me back a piece of myself that was buried. It makes me sad it came at the price of infidelity...but I need to take this experience and learn and grow from it.

[ladydesigner]

When I met xOW it was the first time that I experienced falling in love with a woman in ten years. Being a different person this time it was a different experience. My xOW got to know me on deep levels in a very short amount of time...and I her. The emotional freedom we experienced with each other was very intoxicating.

 

I felt this same way with xOM. I felt dead inside... no passion or chemistry for my husband. We met young as well, married many years later,but still were in our early twenties when we met. That experience of falling in love again with xOM blindsided me... I felt powerless. Falling in love with a friend I had known for a year before our A began I think fueled that process. Although looking back now I believe our friendship would be called an EA. I just didn't know I was having one.

[ladydesigner]

I was sexually abused as a child, by my older brother.

 

I was raped at 19 - my first sexual experience.

 

Fooled once this same exact scenario happened to me as well. I almost wonder if one event sets you up for the next. I know I am much stronger and have healed. But I now feel like a victim again with this A. Same thing a man taking advantage of me, although with the affair I let it happen, with my childhood that was not of my control. I still feel like xOM was prying on my vulnerability. Yuck:(

[angie2443]

Fooled once this same exact scenario happened to me as well. I almost wonder if one event sets you up for the next. I know I am much stronger and have healed. But I now feel like a victim again with this A. Same thing a man taking advantage of me, although with the affair I let it happen, with my childhood that was not of my control. I still feel like xOM was prying on my vulnerability. Yuck:(

 

I won't go into detail, but my siblings and I experienced abuse growing up. Some of us are doing better than others. My one sister is not doing so well. She married a pedophile and now has a child with him. There are other issues in her marriage. She constantly comes up with excuses why she has to stay in the marriage- why she is powerless to get out. She blames her childhood for her position now. To a certain extant, I see her point. My father once told us that it was natural for men to be attracted to young girls and called us prudes for not agreeing. It warped my mind at one point in time and I can see how it has warped hers. I think she's angered that my father caused so much damage and did nothing to repair it. I've felt that in the past to, but to move on with my life, I had to take responsibility for it. I had to say that even though someone created this mess, I had to clean it up. When I reached that point, I became much less vulnerable. I think the truth is, that you choose how vulnerable you are, or are not.

[MistyK]

It happened to me too.

 

There is a school of thought that we recreate our childhood with new players. We pick out people that recreate the same feelings we had - be it helplessness, being controlled, taken for granted, etc. We have a level of comfort with the dysfunction that is familiar. Someone once told me that you know you're doing something right when it feels wrong because you've spent your whole life feeling ok about what's wrong.

[joyz]

but the purpose of this thread is for me to really look at myself with a magnifying glass and figure out what made me cheat on my wife.

 

i think there might a correlation btw ur relationship w your mother and the type of women u cheat w. however, WHY you cheat is a not something specific to u and ur life story. if u look at the stats, some stats suggest some 70% of people in long term relationship cheat. maybe we ought to study the 30% who hasn't cheated on their partners to really see what it takes to not cheat....

[Spark1111]

It happened to me too.

 

There is a school of thought that we recreate our childhood with new players. We pick out people that recreate the same feelings we had - be it helplessness, being controlled, taken for granted, etc. We have a level of comfort with the dysfunction that is familiar. Someone once told me that you know you're doing something right when it feels wrong because you've spent your whole life feeling ok about what's wrong.

 

Yes, I've read this too.

 

There is a specific type of marriage counseling called IMAGO, that deals with this issue in both partners.