Inside The Mind of a Cheater

[drmcdreamy]

hi all, i have been reading a little bit of this post..What it seems to me is that you(di and mcdreamy) are trying to convince yourselves of alot of things here,it seems that the steps you have taken to end your A and work on your marriage seem more forced than something you decided to do on your own and it sounds more as if you are now trying to make it work because its what you feel your supposed to do rather than what you really want to be doing but you really have no closure on the A or the ow.

 

Thanks for your precient insights.

 

I am trying to work more on my marriage. I would say that although my marriage wasn't perfect, what marriage is? And certainly I had/have a better marriage than many, so I do not lay the affair on my wife at all. I don't feel "forced" into staying in my marriage. In fact, I suppose 99% of people would look at what I have and say "what the heck are you complaining about - why would you throw that away." If anything, it had more to do with my insecurity, selfishness, need for external appreciation and validation, vanity, etc. Although I have not confessed, and have no plans to, my wife and I have talked about these issues during the last 9 months, and things are getting much better. We are each being much better at "catching the other one being good", trying to be more romantic amid the bustle of life, and being understanding that we're both continually changing as we go through life (and mid-life crises) and so obviously are not the same people we were 20 years ago when we married, but we still love each other and want to be together. In some respects, I actually think the A brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

You are 100% right though that the lingering emotional aspect of the affair - the longing and dreaming and remembering how it made me feel - the lack of total closure - holds me back in repairing/strengthening my marriage, and is still unfair to my wife. But God, the NC is going to hurt. I hope someday the pain will go away. I have to trust you and DI that it will.

[foreal]

Thanks for your precient insights.

 

I am trying to work more on my marriage. I would say that although my marriage wasn't perfect, what marriage is? And certainly I had/have a better marriage than many, so I do not lay the affair on my wife at all. I don't feel "forced" into staying in my marriage. In fact, I suppose 99% of people would look at what I have and say "what the heck are you complaining about - why would you throw that away." If anything, it had more to do with my insecurity, selfishness, need for external appreciation and validation, vanity, etc. Although I have not confessed, and have no plans to, my wife and I have talked about these issues during the last 9 months, and things are getting much better. We are each being much better at "catching the other one being good", trying to be more romantic amid the bustle of life, and being understanding that we're both continually changing as we go through life (and mid-life crises) and so obviously are not the same people we were 20 years ago when we married, but we still love each other and want to be together. In some respects, I actually think the A brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

You are 100% right though that the lingering emotional aspect of the affair - the longing and dreaming and remembering how it made me feel - the lack of total closure - holds me back in repairing/strengthening my marriage, and is still unfair to my wife. But God, the NC is going to hurt. I hope someday the pain will go away. I have to trust you and DI that it will.

 

I actually think the A brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

Do you think perhaps your wife could also benefit in this same way if you confessed?

 

As a BW, as painful as the knowledge of the A is, I can say now, after almost 5 months of knowing, I am now realizing that the A has had this same effect on me:

brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

[NOTSURE7]

I actually think the A brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

Do you think perhaps your wife could also benefit in this same way if you confessed?

 

As a BW, as painful as the knowledge of the A is, I can say now, after almost 5 months of knowing, I am now realizing that the A has had this same effect on me:

brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

what she is saying is true, i have seen changes in my w in 2 months, she has started to look at herself,its not just about feeling sad and hurt,she has been doing some searching now that she has a true honest idea of whats going on...

 

mcdreamy, what you are saying is great but it still sounds to me like your convincing yourself, without full nc i dont beleive you can really be working on your marrige, you are just making things better but the feelings will linger and the change will not be permanent unless you truly go nc, your w has no idea right now of whats really going on,she dosent even know what she is up against,how can real change be made?

 

when i told my w, it was and still is devastating to her but everyday we work together to make the right changes,to love stronger,to be connected, this only had a chance because i told her what her life was really like and now she has the power to decide whats good for her, you are deciding for your w right now...

[Pillow]

DI. Did you really love your OW? Like truly and sincerely?

 

Because if you did, why did you lead her into having an affair with you? You see when most people love someone they try to prevent and protect them from harm, especially when it has a high chance of collision. It doesn't matter if your friend really can control the wheel with a little bit of alcohol or your Mom has a very low chance of having someone slip a drug in her unintended drink, you still remind them of the dangers. You don't offer your Dad a cigarette to get him addicted to smoking, just because you work in the cigarette company.

 

When you realized you loved her, you should have cut off all contact with her for damage control. But you didn't so I'm here wondering which person out of the three you loved the most.

[MistyK]

Because if you did, why did you lead her into having an affair with you? You see when most people love someone they try to prevent and protect them from harm, especially when it has a high chance of collision.

 

When you realized you loved her, you should have cut off all contact with her for damage control. But you didn't so I'm here wondering which person out of the three you loved the most.

 

Pillow,

This is just like saying people that cheat don't really love their spouses. I'm betting there's a bunch here who would beg to differ. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we always act in their best interest.

[foreal]

Pillow,

This is just like saying people that cheat don't really love their spouses. I'm betting there's a bunch here who would beg to differ. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we always act in their best interest.

 

This is true for me Misty.

 

I have done things I am not proud of to those I truly love...and it was not in their best interest. It was in my own self interest, but even then, I only THOUGHT it was in my best interest...in reality, it wasn't even good for me...if anything, it was self defeating behavior...

[PhoenixRise]

Thanks for your precient insights.

 

I am trying to work more on my marriage. I would say that although my marriage wasn't perfect, what marriage is? And certainly I had/have a better marriage than many, so I do not lay the affair on my wife at all. I don't feel "forced" into staying in my marriage. In fact, I suppose 99% of people would look at what I have and say "what the heck are you complaining about - why would you throw that away." If anything, it had more to do with my insecurity, selfishness, need for external appreciation and validation, vanity, etc. Although I have not confessed, and have no plans to, my wife and I have talked about these issues during the last 9 months, and things are getting much better. We are each being much better at "catching the other one being good", trying to be more romantic amid the bustle of life, and being understanding that we're both continually changing as we go through life (and mid-life crises) and so obviously are not the same people we were 20 years ago when we married, but we still love each other and want to be together. In some respects, I actually think the A brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

You are 100% right though that the lingering emotional aspect of the affair - the longing and dreaming and remembering how it made me feel - the lack of total closure - holds me back in repairing/strengthening my marriage, and is still unfair to my wife. But God, the NC is going to hurt. I hope someday the pain will go away. I have to trust you and DI that it will.

 

I am glad that you and your wife are talking and that you are seeing improvement in your M.

 

My H affair also brought some festering issues to the forefront and caused both of us to take active measures to nourish and protect our relationship.

 

and I agree with you, your lingering longing for your AP keep you from fully being present in your marriage. Not a fair situation for your wife if she is putting putting her full self into making the M better.

 

I know that you will do what you want to regarding telling your wife. I would just say in terms of the issues within yourself that you have posted about, Don't you think that at some point in the future you will feel that you have your wife's love and devotion only for as long as she doesn't know about the affair. Won't accpting your wife's love and trust while hiding a secret of this magnitude end up just being another source of insecurity for you?

 

My H's affair hurt like hell. I never knew I could hurt so much. But I can say that if recovery is handled correctly the pain does not last forever. I can also say that I have learned and grown so much in the wake of the A. Growth that would not have happened if I had stayed in the dark.

[drmcdreamy]

I actually think the A brought some festering things to the forefront for me and made me realize that I needed to snap out of it and put some work into my life and marriage.

 

Do you think perhaps your wife could also benefit in this same way if you confessed?

 

My hope (since I've already created a mess for myself) is to not risk ruining my whole family by confessing, but to have us both work on the issues (hers, mine, ours) that led to it without coming out with it. Certainly she is not dumb, and knows that we've been married a long time, I'm still attractive, I'm going through a mid-life crisis, and it seems every paper or magazine that comes through the house has some article about infidelity - is there a public man who hasn't had an affair in the last year? So, we've had the discussions like "these are behaviors (yours/mine/ours) that could lead to someone seeking an affair," or "maybe Mark Sanford had an affair because he felt this way, which I feel sometimes." I think we've both been doing a lot more talking and have changed the way we relate, for the better, and I'm not sure coming full out would make much of a difference (positive) now. Maybe that will change, maybe not.

[drmcdreamy]

Pillow,

This is just like saying people that cheat don't really love their spouses. I'm betting there's a bunch here who would beg to differ. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we always act in their best interest.

 

I agree. I sincerely believe, to this day, that I deeply love both my w and the ow. That doesn't mean I've done right by either of them, or myself. I certainly got caught up in something I couldn't control. Hindsight is also always 20-20.

[drmcdreamy]

and I agree with you, your lingering longing for your AP keep you from fully being present in your marriage. Not a fair situation for your wife if she is putting putting her full self into making the M better.

 

I know that you will do what you want to regarding telling your wife. I would just say in terms of the issues within yourself that you have posted about, Don't you think that at some point in the future you will feel that you have your wife's love and devotion only for as long as she doesn't know about the affair. Won't accpting your wife's love and trust while hiding a secret of this magnitude end up just being another source of insecurity for you?

 

My H's affair hurt like hell. I never knew I could hurt so much. But I can say that if recovery is handled correctly the pain does not last forever. I can also say that I have learned and grown so much in the wake of the A. Growth that would not have happened if I had stayed in the dark.

 

You are very smart. Yes, I will be NC from now on. It is the only way, and I understand and accept that. And I will think very hard about what you've said about telling my wife. I've wondered if we should go to MC together, and then after some time let it come out in a situation where she feels safer or supported. I don't know what I'll do, but I'm certainly not disregarding your perspective and advice.

[foreal]

Phoenix has made great points.

 

The shoulda coulda woulda's that you are currently speaking with your wife about now? I had those conversations with my H as well.

 

"we've had the discussions like "these are behaviors (yours/mine/ours) that could lead to someone seeking an affair," or "maybe Mark Sanford had an affair because he felt this way, which I feel sometimes."

 

I can only tell you from my own personal experience, that the shouldas couldas and wouldas went out the window once I learned the truth. It is one thing to speak in hypotheticals and theory..it is another to deal with reality and truth.

 

Without knowing what she is really dealing with, HER growth will be stunted. Not yours, hers. And in turn, your M will be stunted as well b/c w/o full knowledge of what she is up against, she is making decisions in the Land of Shoulda Coulda Woulda.

[foreal]

I'm not sure coming full out would make much of a difference (positive) now. Maybe that will change, maybe not.

 

Going thru radiation and chemo doesn't seem to make much of a difference (positive) either at the time- lots of pain and suffering associated with it....but once on the other side of it, sometimes it sure does make a positive difference. It sure does.

[NoIDidn't]

I am not going to quote everyone's posts about how the BS realizes some things after the affair comes to the forefront too, but wanted to suggest a book to everyone.

 

I haven't read it, admittedly. But the title makes it sound promising. Its called "My Husband's Affair Was The Best Thing That Happened To Me", or something like that. I couldn't find the author's name, but she's been on (the dreaded, LOL) Oprah a few years ago.

 

I am on the fence about confessing an affair, yet I totally agree with everything that Phoenix and foreal are saying.

[65tr6]

I haven't read it' date=' admittedly. But the title makes it sound promising. Its called "My Husband's Affair Was The Best Thing That Happened To Me", or something like that. I couldn't find the author's name, but she's been on (the dreaded, LOL) Oprah a few years ago.[/quote']

 

I read it. Very disappointing. Don't buy it. There are much better books out there. By the way, your comment about being on the fence about confession. It actually has more positives than negatives..(I meant confessing as opposed to not).

 

Most cases affected by infidelity are preceded by bad marriages. When something like this comes out...there are two posibilities you either go separate ways or you could grow as human beings and work towards to a great marriage. Yes, few are stuck in limbo but the number is far less.

 

Yes it is very painful for the BS (and also the WS) in the short term, but most get through it.

[NoIDidn't]

I read it. Very disappointing. Don't buy it. There are much better books out there. By the way, your comment about being on the fence about confession. It actually has more positives than negatives..(I meant confessing as opposed to not).

 

Most cases affected by infidelity are preceded by bad marriages. When something like this comes out...there are two posibilities you either go separate ways or you could grow as human beings and work towards to a great marriage. Yes, few are stuck in limbo but the number is far less.

 

Yes it is very painful for the BS (and also the WS) in the short term, but most get through it.

 

Thanks for the info about the book. Glad I didn't buy it. I did "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends". I highly recommend the second, the late Shirley Glass really knew her stuff.

 

I am on the fence about telling, not because of the feelings of the WS. I don't support that selfishness in CYA at all. I am on the fence because of the BS.

 

I must have had a niggling (is that a word? ) suspicion about my H's wayward heart for the whole year before I found about his EA. We had a very bad marriage, but still loved each other. I was having the nightmares about him leaving me for a co-worker and throwing it in my face for a while. But I didn't want to ask. Not yet. But when I couldn't ignore it anymore, and my dad and FIL suggested "it" explained the behavior I told them about, I had no choice but to confront him about it (after snooping and confirming their suspicions).

 

I guess I was an ostrich. I didn't want to know because I didn't think I could handle it. But I surprised myself. I could handle it. It was the biggest pain I've ever felt in my life. It was like every trauma I've ever had all happening all over again at the same time (molestation, rape, abandonment, you name it).

 

So, yes, it was a huge, HUGE wake up call for me. And I finally got the help I needed as a result. We both went to ICs and later to MC. I don't recommend having an affair to infuse a bad marriage with positive change, but its often what happens.

 

But that's why I am (somewhat) on the fence about telling. I think its the best thing to do to make things fair and the spouse gets a say in their own life.

[Devil Inside]

DI. Did you really love your OW? Like truly and sincerely?

 

Because if you did, why did you lead her into having an affair with you? You see when most people love someone they try to prevent and protect them from harm, especially when it has a high chance of collision. It doesn't matter if your friend really can control the wheel with a little bit of alcohol or your Mom has a very low chance of having someone slip a drug in her unintended drink, you still remind them of the dangers. You don't offer your Dad a cigarette to get him addicted to smoking, just because you work in the cigarette company.

 

When you realized you loved her, you should have cut off all contact with her for damage control. But you didn't so I'm here wondering which person out of the three you loved the most.

 

Like others have said....you can love someone and treat them in unloving ways.

 

I am very remorseful for the way I've treated both my W and xOW during my A. I can say though....that I love them both.

[Devil Inside]

I made an appointment with an IC for next Thursday. He has a lot of experience in marriages and infidelity...so I am hoping he can guide me through some of this. The more I read books and your posts the more I lean towards confessing the A.

 

I have to admit it scares the crap out of me. My abandonment issues are definitely triggered by just the thought of telling her. I know it's going to hurt her so much...and I hope she doesn't leave me. However, if she does...then maybe that's for the best too...either way....this marriage had it's issues we will either break open and grow from this...or we will realize we can't be together. Wish me luck.

[PhoenixRise]

I made an appointment with an IC for next Thursday. He has a lot of experience in marriages and infidelity...so I am hoping he can guide me through some of this. The more I read books and your posts the more I lean towards confessing the A.

 

I have to admit it scares the crap out of me. My abandonment issues are definitely triggered by just the thought of telling her. I know it's going to hurt her so much...and I hope she doesn't leave me. However, if she does...then maybe that's for the best too...either way....this marriage had it's issues we will either break open and grow from this...or we will realize we can't be together. Wish me luck.

 

Good Luck DI

 

I hope the IC helps you to heal so that you can be the man you truly WANT to be, for yourself first, and then for your wife and kids.

 

There is no doubt that your wife finding about about the affair will hurt her. But it will either break you as a couple or it will help you grow stronger

[65tr6]

Thanks for the info about the book. Glad I didn't buy it. I did "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends". I highly recommend the second' date=' the late Shirley Glass really knew her stuff..[/quote']

 

yes both are great books. There is another one...that i liked...How one of you can bring the two of you together...Susan Page...probably one of the best i have read...I like this one a lot because it talks about what YOU can do and not depend on your partner (or spouse) to start making the changes. Brilliant stuff.

 

It was like every trauma I've ever had all happening all over again at the same time (molestation' date=' rape, abandonment, you name it)..[/quote']

 

I see your point now about you being on the fence. The pain itself...(not to sound like wallowing in self-pity) is 10 times more than loosing your loved one. Alteast it was for me. The reason being I felt alone all along through the grieving period...(which seemed to last forever)...terrible feeling when you are grieving. Still glad that my wife admitted.

 

I understand not everyone can get through this. I have read cases where the BS is bed ridden for months following the d-day or went into major depression or have gone completely crazy/violent. I believe most can handle it though.

[NoIDidn't]

yes both are great books. There is another one...that i liked...How one of you can bring the two of you together...Susan Page...probably one of the best i have read...I like this one a lot because it talks about what YOU can do and not depend on your partner (or spouse) to start making the changes. Brilliant stuff.

 

Funny you mention this, I read online manuals similar to this and it really changed my outlook, changed my life!

 

 

I see your point now about you being on the fence. The pain itself...(not to sound like wallowing in self-pity) is 10 times more than loosing your loved one. Alteast it was for me. The reason being I felt alone all along through the grieving period...(which seemed to last forever)...terrible feeling when you are grieving. Still glad that my wife admitted.

 

I understand not everyone can get through this. I have read cases where the BS is bed ridden for months following the d-day or went into major depression or have gone completely crazy/violent. I believe most can handle it though.

 

I cried all the time. I was so hurt. My crying was so bad that my kids got used to it, LOL. They were too young to understand why I was crying, so I just told them mommy was watering her eyes, don't worry. My oldest would see me crying and say, "oh, mommy's watering her eyes again, she'll stop in a minute". Hearing that always made me giggle and stop crying.

 

I agree that most BSs get through it. If I made it through, I firmly believe that most can. I never thought I could handle a discovery like this. But I did. And found that I have more strength that I could have ever imagined.

[NoIDidn't]

I made an appointment with an IC for next Thursday. He has a lot of experience in marriages and infidelity...so I am hoping he can guide me through some of this. The more I read books and your posts the more I lean towards confessing the A.

 

I have to admit it scares the crap out of me. My abandonment issues are definitely triggered by just the thought of telling her. I know it's going to hurt her so much...and I hope she doesn't leave me. However, if she does...then maybe that's for the best too...either way....this marriage had it's issues we will either break open and grow from this...or we will realize we can't be together. Wish me luck.

 

Good luck, DI. No matter how things turn out, I am sure that you will be okay.

[Jilly Bean]

Devil - you said on page one that you love your W, but are not IN love with her.

 

As a general question to anyone in a marriage like this - why do people choose to stay with someone they care about, but don't feel passion for anymore?

 

Is the sense of obligation, history or the reluctance to hurt your partner so strong, that it overwhelms the desire for personal happiness and fulfillment?

 

I ask because I wouldn't spend 10 minutes with someone I wasn't in love with anymore, regardless of length of relationship or kids, etc., so I am genuinely curious about why people make this choice.

[NoIDidn't]

Devil - you said on page one that you love your W, but are not IN love with her.

 

As a general question to anyone in a marriage like this - why do people choose to stay with someone they care about, but don't feel passion for anymore?

 

Is the sense of obligation, history or the reluctance to hurt your partner so strong, that it overwhelms the desire for personal happiness and fulfillment?

 

I ask because I wouldn't spend 10 minutes with someone I wasn't in love with anymore, regardless of length of relationship or kids, etc., so I am genuinely curious about why people make this choice.

 

I can't answer for DI. And not to belittle your question with what follows. I honestly feel that its difficult to understand this phenomenon if any one of the two following questions is answered in the negative.

 

Have you ever been married? Do you have any children?

[Jilly Bean]

I can't answer for DI. And not to belittle your question with what follows. I honestly feel that its difficult to understand this phenomenon if any one of the two following questions is answered in the negative.

 

Have you ever been married? Do you have any children?

 

No, but I lived with someone for longer than a lot of marriages. No kids.

 

Still, can you, or DI, shed some light on it? Just because I haven't been married for 20 years with three kids, doesn't mean I can't understand a response to the question. Have always wondered why people make this choice...

[Pillow]

Hey, DI. Why don't you share with everyone the other reason why you don't want to tell your BW about your affair? You like your pedastal.

 

Here she is, your W, probably to this day, thinking she was the bad one in the marriage. The one that gave in temptation and stole some moments with an OM and got caught for it. But her H- you- were the one who held his ground and took her back without too much of a hassle. How moral and upright you must seem to her.

 

You're don't want her to realize you're not that great of a martyr. You're just as likely to pull the same slick tricks out and more as the next person. You recieve some sense of power from this position as the better person- the BS- and you don't want to lose it.