Inside The Mind of a Cheater

[NoIDidn't]

No, but I lived with someone for longer than a lot of marriages. No kids.

 

Still, can you, or DI, shed some light on it? Just because I haven't been married for 20 years with three kids, doesn't mean I can't understand a response to the question. Have always wondered why people make this choice...

 

I don't know if I could shed some light on it, because my reasons would be different than his.

 

Since you didn't have a marriage to dissolve after all that time, it was probably easier for you to walk away once you felt the love leveling off into that familiar "love, but not in love" feeling. And, no kids, also mean that you weren't going to have to figure out new family schedules for the kids like when they visited their father's side of the family, and so on.

 

The reasons for staying inspite of that feeling are many.

 

Plus, I don't think that feeling is the worse thing in the world. Love ebbs and flows. If DI focuses on rebuilding his marriage and is successful, he'll likely feel "in love" again for a period.

 

So it could be said that you gave up too quickly? KWIM?

 

Its different for everyone. But I asked those questions because what you said is very commonly asked by the never married, even if they cohabitated (which is actually detrimental to a marriage), and childless.

 

And, most importantly, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the FIRST tip off to a person that their SO is cheating or likely to start looking for exits soon. So, its not like they are planning to stay forever after saying something like that. They are usually looking to "supplement" their love in some way.

 

I was rambling, but I hope that helped.

[White Flower]

That your wife is no longer needy, yet still needs you, can be looked at in a positive way. You have the desire to take care of someone, hopefully your W.

 

Your W no longer is needy for a man to take care of her, however, she still needs YOU...being needy is needing ANYONE, a desperate position....but she needs YOU, not anyone, that is not desperate, that is love..and isn't that the ultimate in caretaking for you, to take care of someone who is in need of YOU, not needy in general?

Foreal I love this post! It rings true with what Dr. John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series). There is a major difference between needing someone and being needy.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't know if I could shed some light on it, because my reasons would be different than his.

 

Since you didn't have a marriage to dissolve after all that time, it was probably easier for you to walk away once you felt the love leveling off into that familiar "love, but not in love" feeling. And, no kids, also mean that you weren't going to have to figure out new family schedules for the kids like when they visited their father's side of the family, and so on.

 

The reasons for staying inspite of that feeling are many.

 

Plus, I don't think that feeling is the worse thing in the world. Love ebbs and flows. If DI focuses on rebuilding his marriage and is successful, he'll likely feel "in love" again for a period.

 

So it could be said that you gave up too quickly? KWIM?

 

Its different for everyone. But I asked those questions because what you said is very commonly asked by the never married, even if they cohabitated (which is actually detrimental to a marriage), and childless.

 

And, most importantly, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the FIRST tip off to a person that their SO is cheating or likely to start looking for exits soon. So, its not like they are planning to stay forever after saying something like that. They are usually looking to "supplement" their love in some way.

 

I was rambling, but I hope that helped.

 

No, it really doesn't. It just reiterated my question. lol

 

Hopefully DI, or someone else who has stayed in a marriage, post-affair, with someone they love, but aren't in love with, can answer the question. I'm sincerely curious as to the mindset of someone who feels this way.

[Devil Inside]

Devil - you said on page one that you love your W, but are not IN love with her.

 

As a general question to anyone in a marriage like this - why do people choose to stay with someone they care about, but don't feel passion for anymore?

 

Is the sense of obligation, history or the reluctance to hurt your partner so strong, that it overwhelms the desire for personal happiness and fulfillment?

 

I ask because I wouldn't spend 10 minutes with someone I wasn't in love with anymore, regardless of length of relationship or kids, etc., so I am genuinely curious about why people make this choice.

 

This is where I am showing my immaturity. I think that what I experienced as being "in love" during my A was actually the experience of infatuation that you get in the first stages of any new relationship.

 

It is absolutely intoxicating...and I hadn't felt that way in over a decade...since I met my W...and I was "in love" with her initially as well.

 

I have let myself believe that I could have a lifelong infatuation with someone else because I experienced that for ten months with my xOW. Truth is...I probably would have struggled when the infatuation wore off with her as well.

 

The reason I stay married is that I owe it to her and I to work on the marriage. I think that I can recapture some of our lost magic...and I need to grow up in my views on what marriage is like.

 

Like NID said...with young kids, three jobs, bills, and all that we don't live the most exciting and sex filled life...but it is the life I chose.

 

At the end of this journey either I or my W or both of us may decide there is not enough there to continue...but I'm not going to throw the towel in yet. My kids deserve more...and so do I and my W.

[Devil Inside]

Hey, DI. Why don't you share with everyone the other reason why you don't want to tell your BW about your affair? You like your pedastal.

 

Here she is, your W, probably to this day, thinking she was the bad one in the marriage. The one that gave in temptation and stole some moments with an OM and got caught for it. But her H- you- were the one who held his ground and took her back without too much of a hassle. How moral and upright you must seem to her.

 

You're don't want her to realize you're not that great of a martyr. You're just as likely to pull the same slick tricks out and more as the next person. You recieve some sense of power from this position as the better person- the BS- and you don't want to lose it.

 

Pillow...you are right that this factors into why I have not told her yet. However, it isn't the whole picture.

 

I wish things were that easy. I like your theory...and like I said...it is probably part of the puzzle...but by no means is the whole key.

[NoIDidn't]

No, it really doesn't. It just reiterated my question. lol

 

Hopefully DI, or someone else who has stayed in a marriage, post-affair, with someone they love, but aren't in love with, can answer the question. I'm sincerely curious as to the mindset of someone who feels this way.

 

 

LOL. I didn't think I did.

 

I don't feel "in love" with my H. But I would never tell him that "I love him but am not in love with him". It just seems cold to me. And if it feels cold to me, I can understand why you ask your question.

[Devil Inside]

LOL. I didn't think I did.

 

I don't feel "in love" with my H. But I would never tell him that "I love him but am not in love with him". It just seems cold to me. And if it feels cold to me, I can understand why you ask your question.

 

Those words hurt my W a lot. So you're right...good to not put it that way at least.

[NoIDidn't]

Those words hurt my W a lot. So you're right...good to not put it that way at least.

 

It seems to be an exit response. It really isn't kind to say it that way. I think the real problem isn't that the person isn't in love, its the "BUT". Nothing good ever comes behind that "but".

 

And its the way its said. Its said with a long pause after that "but", like you are waiting to brace yourself for what is going to follow that "but".

 

I want you to know that you've already given your W a lot of clues about your infidelity. When you tell her, expect her to be very angry when she puts it all together.

 

You have followed the Script to a *T*.

[White Flower]

The more I read and re-read this thread, the more it just sounds like unhappy people making bad decisions in dealing with what is really just common in life.

 

I don't mean this as a judgment because even people that don't cheat have destructive tendencies that damage their relationships in much the same way as infidelity. I have done my share of self-protecting mechanisms and seen the damage it has done to my marriage and other relationships.

 

If I have gotten anything from this thread, its that relationships and the people in them are fragile and should be handled with care and compassion. We all are in need of some type of emotional healing.

 

Thanks guys. This level of honesty is really refreshing and is helping me in ways I didn't expect it to.

I would like to second the motion. If we're all honest and willing to explore our own faults we can examine the situation more deeply and don't have to put our energy toward defending ourselves.

 

Thank you for an open and honest thread.

 

DI, I'm loving your honesty and self-awareness being so evident. I'm going to send links to exMM to see if he may fall into the category you have described as yours.

[mnm]

I have just finished reading/skimming all the posts and I can't believe what an eye opener it has been. Reading the posts from the ones who had the A make me understand the mindset a little bit more. Also, I realized that I have been lacking in some areas. It is so true that after the A issues come to the forefront that you didn't think were there, on both sides.

 

I have realized I need to not be such a doormat, (abandonment issues "if I'm good and do everything right no one will leave me and they will love me) as tell my H that I need him if I'm not having a strong day. That it's OK to ask for help or speak my mind.

 

My H has gone through a remarkable transformation as well. We're not in MC, but I after the EA he has done the deep soul searching and was honest with himself for the first time. He has a lot of childhood issues as well. He doesn't criticize or belittle opinions, feelings, actions like he did for years. HE's more understanding, respectful of my feelings, a better father, and there is more of an intimacy with us as a couple. Also, he is more at peace with life and himself than ever before. He's become a more humble man.

 

It's a scary transition, seeing your H of 13 years all of the sudden transform into the man you've always wanted him to be and knew he could. It's just sad that it took something like this to get to that point.

 

Thanks for all the posts, insights, and honesty on this thread. It has really opened my eyes and saw the changes I need to make in myself and the changes my H has made.

[65tr6]

I made an appointment with an IC for next Thursday.

 

ok, sorry, I havent exactly followed this thread.

 

So you have not confessed to your wife but have an appointment with IC, for what ??

 

So tell me, what exactly are you expecting from the IC ? What if he/she says, don't tell. Honestly is not the best policy ?

 

It is just mind boggling to me, that after all what you have done (or not done) how you can now convieniently depend on the IC to help you make the decision for you.

 

can you answer my questions above ?

[Devil Inside]

I confessed the A to my W last night. It was one of the hardest nights of my life...and I'm sure hers.

 

It did not come about in the most graceful of ways...but I believe that it happened the way it needed to.

 

Yesterday I found out that the emotional affair she had about six years ago actually was also a physical affair....once. I talked to the OM....he didn't even know she was married at the time...and they didn't use protection. It hurt me to find this out. Then I thought...how can I hold what I've done to her.

 

It makes sense to me...feeling how I've felt since I ended my A...guilty, self-loathing, indulgent, depressed, conflicted, and aimless...that she felt distant from me all these years, I knew that the only way for us to have a shot at a real marriage and relationship would be for me to come clean with all the secrets.

 

Once the kids were in bed I just let it all out. I found out she had also had other EAs...all online or on the phone over the past six years...the last one ending about a year and a half ago. That was when I had started to feel distance. She went to IC and said that since then had really matured and realized that she was trying to fill a void with all those EAs....most of them were done under a false personality...and lasted weeks...she said they were just nameless people to use.

 

I think that I felt more secure when she was broken...which she hasn't been the last year and a half...but she has been holding this.

 

I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that we have a new beginning. We both want this to work...but it will be a process. I watched her ride the wave of emotions last night as I painfully and honestly answered her questions. At the same time I went through my own pain at the revelations of her infidelity.

 

My IC appointment is Thursday. He is also a MC. I think that we will be going together from the second appointment on.

 

Thank you for all your support, tough love, questions, comments, and opinions. I used many sources to inform this decision...in the end it took me experiencing the pain of a secret that motivated me to give my wife the respect of the truth...I think it was the right choice for us.

[jennie-jennie]

OK, so it is all out in the open now. Well, that is the way I have always done it in all my relationships - told the truth. You know I supported you in which ever decision you felt was right for you. Kind of a shocker though that your W had hid so much from you.

 

PS I have been temporarily banned for bad behaviour. That is why I have been out of sight, still been reading though.

[Devil Inside]

OK, so it is all out in the open now. Well, that is the way I have always done it in all my relationships - told the truth. You know I supported you in which ever decision you felt was right for you. Kind of a shocker though that your W had hid so much from you.

 

PS I have been temporarily banned for bad behaviour. That is why I have been out of sight, still been reading though.

 

Thanks for your support JJ. In the end...I actually regained my integrity and had to be honest. I am a little shocked myself...about her...but had my suspicions...and hey, who am I to judge. At least now we know what we are working with.

 

I have missed you! I was worried you were gone...good to see you back...my avatar was feeling abandoned .

[jennie-jennie]

My avatar missed you too!

[bentnotbroken]

I confessed the A to my W last night. It was one of the hardest nights of my life...and I'm sure hers.

 

It did not come about in the most graceful of ways...but I believe that it happened the way it needed to.

 

Yesterday I found out that the emotional affair she had about six years ago actually was also a physical affair....once. I talked to the OM....he didn't even know she was married at the time...and they didn't use protection. It hurt me to find this out. Then I thought...how can I hold what I've done to her.

 

It makes sense to me...feeling how I've felt since I ended my A...guilty, self-loathing, indulgent, depressed, conflicted, and aimless...that she felt distant from me all these years, I knew that the only way for us to have a shot at a real marriage and relationship would be for me to come clean with all the secrets.

 

Once the kids were in bed I just let it all out. I found out she had also had other EAs...all online or on the phone over the past six years...the last one ending about a year and a half ago. That was when I had started to feel distance. She went to IC and said that since then had really matured and realized that she was trying to fill a void with all those EAs....most of them were done under a false personality...and lasted weeks...she said they were just nameless people to use.

 

I think that I felt more secure when she was broken...which she hasn't been the last year and a half...but she has been holding this.

 

I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that we have a new beginning. We both want this to work...but it will be a process. I watched her ride the wave of emotions last night as I painfully and honestly answered her questions. At the same time I went through my own pain at the revelations of her infidelity.

 

My IC appointment is Thursday. He is also a MC. I think that we will be going together from the second appointment on.

 

Thank you for all your support, tough love, questions, comments, and opinions. I used many sources to inform this decision...in the end it took me experiencing the pain of a secret that motivated me to give my wife the respect of the truth...I think it was the right choice for us.

 

 

Go slow, remember that you both have been given a second chance and don't give up on each other. It is a long road, but many have made the journey and are glad they did.

[jennie-jennie]

DI, I am a little surprised of the words you use to describe your feelings since ending the affair: "guilty, self-loathing, indulgent, depressed, conflicted, and aimless..." Why do you harbor these emotions? Depressed, conflicted, aimless I can understand, but guilty and self-loathing? Okay, guilty perhaps for going on one of those sites, but as I see it it was true love between you and your OW, and why feel guilty about true love?

 

You loved/love your OW, you love your W, and now you are doing everything in your power to rebuild your marriage, what more can one ask of you?

[PhoenixRise]

I confessed the A to my W last night. It was one of the hardest nights of my life...and I'm sure hers.

 

It did not come about in the most graceful of ways...but I believe that it happened the way it needed to.

 

Yesterday I found out that the emotional affair she had about six years ago actually was also a physical affair....once. I talked to the OM....he didn't even know she was married at the time...and they didn't use protection. It hurt me to find this out. Then I thought...how can I hold what I've done to her.

 

It makes sense to me...feeling how I've felt since I ended my A...guilty, self-loathing, indulgent, depressed, conflicted, and aimless...that she felt distant from me all these years, I knew that the only way for us to have a shot at a real marriage and relationship would be for me to come clean with all the secrets.

 

Once the kids were in bed I just let it all out. I found out she had also had other EAs...all online or on the phone over the past six years...the last one ending about a year and a half ago. That was when I had started to feel distance. She went to IC and said that since then had really matured and realized that she was trying to fill a void with all those EAs....most of them were done under a false personality...and lasted weeks...she said they were just nameless people to use.

 

I think that I felt more secure when she was broken...which she hasn't been the last year and a half...but she has been holding this.

 

I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that we have a new beginning. We both want this to work...but it will be a process. I watched her ride the wave of emotions last night as I painfully and honestly answered her questions. At the same time I went through my own pain at the revelations of her infidelity.

 

My IC appointment is Thursday. He is also a MC. I think that we will be going together from the second appointment on.

 

Thank you for all your support, tough love, questions, comments, and opinions. I used many sources to inform this decision...in the end it took me experiencing the pain of a secret that motivated me to give my wife the respect of the truth...I think it was the right choice for us.

 

 

 

DI

 

I am sorry that you and your w are suffering right now. But I am glad that your truth as well as her truth are now on the table. I am sure her keeping her PA from you created distance just as much as your affair did. Secrets of this nature always create distance IMO.

 

I wish you guys the best and hope for both your sakes you can rebuild on a stronger foundation if this is what you both want.

[Devil Inside]

DI, I am a little surprised of the words you use to describe your feelings since ending the affair: "guilty, self-loathing, indulgent, depressed, conflicted, and aimless..." Why do you harbor these emotions? Depressed, conflicted, aimless I can understand, but guilty and self-loathing? Okay, guilty perhaps for going on one of those sites, but as I see it it was true love between you and your OW, and why feel guilty about true love?

 

You loved/love your OW, you love your W, and now you are doing everything in your power to rebuild your marriage, what more can one ask of you?

 

I feel guilty for allowing myself to be in a position where I could fall in love with another woman. I feel guilty for acting on my feelings behind my wife's back.

 

My feeling are my feelings...but I made choices...and those are what I feel guilty about.

[Devil Inside]

So this is really hard. I know it is going to be a long road...but it is hard to know how much I have hurt my W. It shows in her face.

 

She told me that she wished I never told her. I think that later she will respect that I was man enough to be accountable for what I did...but right now she just wants to erase the knowledge from her head.

 

All I can do is try to be there, be honest, validate her emotions, answer her questions, and build trust back brick by brick, action by action, day by day.

[bentnotbroken]

So this is really hard. I know it is going to be a long road...but it is hard to know how much I have hurt my W. It shows in her face.

 

She told me that she wished I never told her. I think that later she will respect that I was man enough to be accountable for what I did...but right now she just wants to erase the knowledge from her head.

 

All I can do is try to be there, be honest, validate her emotions, answer her questions, and build trust back brick by brick, action by action, day by day.

 

 

Sometimes it is a grain of sand at a time....but when you put them all together, they make beautiful sand castles. Keep building.

[foreal]

So this is really hard. I know it is going to be a long road...but it is hard to know how much I have hurt my W. It shows in her face.

 

She told me that she wished I never told her. I think that later she will respect that I was man enough to be accountable for what I did...but right now she just wants to erase the knowledge from her head.

 

All I can do is try to be there, be honest, validate her emotions, answer her questions, and build trust back brick by brick, action by action, day by day.

 

 

I told my H the same thing- that I wished he hadn't told me. I have changed my mind about that, and back again several times. In the end I know it is better that I do know...but right now I wish I did not- it is all so Fd up.

 

Devil, I am sorry for your pain- to find out as well that your W had an EA as well as PA...and for all the pain you both are going thru now.

 

I have often thought there is no way my H can take all that I have to give as far as pain, anger etc. He is hanging in there...I hope you can too.

[Adri Ana]

Devil Inside ,

 

be a man , go to your wife and start with her the happy marriage (part 2) .

 

This way you will save all souls around you

 

and

 

erase your mistaken acknowledgemnt of collecting wounded women .

 

Any woman will like mussy-p*ssy guy

(no need at all to be wounded any way , emotionally or any other)

who has not any respect to himself , but will treat them like a p*ssy . Actually all women like caring men , but p*ssy men are really entering the soul .

 

Now enter your own wife and make your own life with her .

 

All " wounded" so to say women will lead the better life without a "hero" like you.

[IntoLove]

Cheater Devil ,

 

if you have a wife whom you so much love,

then why do you "collect" all "wounded women" ?????

What for you want them ?

To play with and then to go back to your dearly wife ?

To show your wife all your love you failed to show all your women ?

Are you sick ?

 

GO TO YOUR WIFE AND LOVE HER WITH ALL YOUR POWERS !

SHE NEEDS YOU .

 

AND YOU ... YOU DO NOT MAKE OTHER ...DO NOT LET OTHERS NEED YOU ... WHEN YOU CANT GIVE THEM ANYTHING......

ONLY THEN YOU ARE A REAL MAN . A MAN . NOT JUST A BOY . BUT A MAN .

[Benique]

Devil Ins.

why are you telling us here of your love to your wife ?

 

Are you giving anyone a true knowledge that actually you are totally into your wife and need no one else ?

 

Or you are trying people understand how dear wives and husbands are in the life ?

 

I will tell my truth :

 

I had some affairs thinking I was in love and beloved .. however just one truth was there : I was in love with the OM and was beloved by my husband .

 

So I stayed with my husband and never regretted as he gave me the respect and the love the spouse deserved .

And what about the Hawaii passions I was thinking of ,

then that is all I would recover with my husband ,

he would greatly accept this from his beloved spouse,me ..

I did . And I won .

 

I won a calm life with respect and love . Respect from all .

As I did not cross the line into the PA from the EA .

 

 

Good luck .