Is she protecting my feelings

[ncguy34]

I sincerly appreciate the comments and feedback that I have recieved but I have a question.

 

I have mentioned in previous postings I had trouble with my gf talking about sexual details with her bf and dealing with the obsessive thoughts. She has not discussed them at all lately and when the thoughts do occur then I use the "stop thought" process.

 

We have both discussed that we have not been involved sexually with other people unless in a relationship. The subject does not bother me at all and it is nice that we both agree that sex is something special between people that care about each other and not to be thrown away on flings and one night stands. It may be a prudish way of looking at it but with all the STDS and aids out there it is the smart alternative plus the moral issues involved with it.

 

I was discussing past relationships on a superficial level and she said she was "a good girl" and had not slept with anyone other than in relationships. She did mention one guy that was a friend that evolved into more for about 3 months. That was fine. BUT, EARLIER DURING THE TIME PERIOD SHE WAS DISCUSSING THE SEXUAL DETAILS WITH PAST BOYFRIENDS SHE MENTIONED NOT SLEEPING WITH A GUY BECAUSE HIS PENIS WAS TINY.

 

I am confused and do not know what to think or do. On the one hand she stated that she had slept with guys only in relationships and seemed quite adimant about this fact to the point of explaining that the above three month relationship was with a guy that she had know for a while. But ealier she mentioned not sleeping with a small penis guy. I just do not know what to believe-did she sleep around or did she have sex with just guys in a relationship.

 

I guess my question is should I ask her if she is telling me the truth or is she just trying to protect me from the hurt? WE have a great deal of trust in our relationship but there is an inconsistency with her saying "just in relationships" and a casaul sex. Maybe she is protecting me but she seems to state it over and over again that she does not believe in casual sex and one night stands.

 

I need help resolving this.

[moimeme]

LET IT GO

 

 

You have serious trust issues that you have to work on. The past is the past. It is OVER. You absolutely must stop thinking, worrying, obssessing about this.

 

Or perhaps you just want to sabotage this relationship and are digging, hard, to find a reason to do so?

Wise up because you will lose her if you don't cut this out. In fact, you will lose every woman if you continue this way. Read some books on jealousy, please.

[Thinkalot]

Hi Ncguy...we've met in posts before in this subject, and you may be aware that I suffer your problem, only in relation to my bf. I question, cross question, worry, find it hard to truly believe him on certain points, obsess about the ex , his past sex life ect. I even worry that he had sex young as a teenager (with the ex-wife as it happens- childhood sweethearts etc) while I waited till I was much older.

 

All it has done is drive me crazy and push him away from me. He has basically reached the end of his tether and told me I must shape up if our relationship is to survive. I think moimeme is on the money...get help. I have been, and I am gradually learning to relax and be happy and trust and allow closeness without all the worry, back in. My relationship is therefore healing also, as am I.

 

I know you may think you only need the answer to this particular issue, and then you'll be ok. But there is ALWAYS going to be "just one more thing" you'd like to know, or clarify. I was always doing that to my bf...trying to be sweet and all relaxed and then asking "babe, I just need to know...." and so on. Often it was something he had already answered. He got sick of answering my questions and feeling he needed to justify things.

 

If this issue bugs you so much, and there is some genuine inconsistency you'd like to clarify, then go ahead and clarify it with her...but do it calmly and nicely, without any accusation at all, and remember- it wont make her feel good or bring her closer to you. She shouldnt have to justify anything to you in her past. All that matters is that you think the same way today. Ironically, I was on the other side of the fence for a while myself, when my bf found out about a fling in my past that disturbed him greatly (he is very moral). He got nasty and I then told HIM to walk if he couldn't handle it and to accept me as the ethical person I am (that experience in my past was an exception ..and I, like you, believe in sex in relationships over casual sex) and live in the present. He got help and dealt with it (then I started to have the worry and do the same thing to HIM!..but anyway)

 

And if you feel you must ask, then make a deal with yourself, that from then on, you don't do it anymore and let go of the past. Stopping the thoughts sure helps...but if you can get to the base of the problem, then the thoughts won't come in the first place. Focus on how much you have to offer, how great you are..and don't give her past all the power. And don't give in to your inner demons which want to you worry, ask questions, fret etc. Kill them with positive thoughts!

 

Live for today and focus on what you have with her today. She is a different person now anyway.

 

Good luck.

[Thinkalot]

PS you might find it useful to look at the thread I posted on insecurity and jealousy

[meanon]

This is just another one of those obsessive thoughts that need to be stopped. People who suffer from obsessive thoughts and have been taught to control them tell me that there is a tremendous urge to keep discussing, analysing etc. in the belief that if only they get it straight in their mind they will be able to forget about it. This never happens. The rumminations feed the obsessive thought. If this is not the only area of your life where you have obsessive thoughts I would recomment Cognitive Behaivoural Therapy which has a high success rate in dealing with this particular problem.

[ncguy34]

We (my gf and I)had a very calm and enjoyable discussion last night. She had some concerns about whether I was promiscuous in my past as did I with her. She also told me that she had never had sex outside of a relationship. We both felt much better after airing our concerns.

 

I told her that I had unfortunately obsessed sometimes thinking about her sexual past. She was very understanding and asked what she could do to help.

 

I have to say I feel much better and am learning to put our past into the past. I am going to move forward and not dwell on it at all.

 

I am sure I will have "bad" thoughts occasionally but will deal with them.

 

Thanks for all the replies.