bluewolf17 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 First of all, my co-worker is amazing! We are great friends outside of work. Two years ago she had a baby girl who I love. My issue is that ever since she had her baby, it seems that all she wants to talk about. I mean, her little girl is great, don't get me wrong. But we go out, I take her to plays, we get dinner etc. And it seems like every conversation comes back to her baby. I feel like we dont' have anything in common with her anymore. I will talk to her about her girl for a bit, but after awhile it does get kind of annoying. I might sound like a total brat here..I just want to have real conversations about other things. I don't mind talking about her little girl..just not every conversation! Is there a tactful way to handle this? I am not a mom so I just don't know! I would hate to hurt her feelings or implie that I don't love her girl too. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 you're not being a brat, just watching someone who is near and dear get caught up in "Mommy world." A dangerous place if a woman doesn't allow herself to interact with other grown-ups, because her world gets that much smaller and the guilt starts to kick in when she *does* decide to do something that doesn't involve Baby. not sure how to advise on this one, because you don't want to piss her off or hurt her feelings ... strike up conversations that don't necessarily include talking about the baby, as in, "did you hear about that huge snake they found down in Florida? Can you imagine something that big? How would they dispose of it?" ... you know, questions that will make her think outside the baby box. or even better, if she's gifted in a certain area (i.e., my big sister is a pretty fine seamstress) ask her opinion on how to do things related to that knowledge she has ... you'd be amazed at what she learns and its' not necessarily baby related, you know? mind you, some days you just have to listen so they can get it all out of their system, THEN you can talk! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I am apologising on behalf of the Mothers and Mothers to Be Association. Its true- from the day you find out you are pregnant, its very difficult to talk about anything else- and its often all many people are interested in talking to you about. Luckily for me, most of my closest friends are already mothers, have had babies this year, or are due to have babies soon, so most of us have chattered away to our hearts content. BUT: I am VERY VERY conscious of trying not to talk constantly about pregnancy and baby stuff when I speak to my single or childless friends, but it is a common topic of conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 And what Quank said- even though I am pregnant, I still want to talk about other stuff, like current affairs and gossip, so just bring it up during the conversation... I am sure she won't get offended. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I think OP will be saving Mom from walling herself off from the rest of society. I've got friends who are fantastic mothers - really, fantastic people – but lose sight of the fact that they're so-and-so first. Because they so deeply immerse themselves in motherhood, they don't know how to function on other levels ... they're so used to being Mommy. at least this is how I see OP's post Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 But we go out, I take her to plays, we get dinner etc. And it seems like every conversation comes back to her baby. I feel like we dont' have anything in common with her anymore. I've had this happen with friends, too. No matter what you do, no matter how many different conversations you try to start and get her engaged in, everything - and I do mean everything - reminds her of the baby or a baby story and it comes right back to that. It's strange, because my family is all about having babies, and I don't have that problem with them. My aunts, cousins...they can manage to have other conversations. Anyway, there isn't a whole lot you can do. I've ended up limiting my time with them until it finally hits them that they've self-limited to the point they're totally immersed in baby-zone, and miss having more of a life. You can be right there for her when she does snap out of it. Even then, though, she's still going to be fascinated by the color and texture of baby poop, so there is no way to fully avoid it. But at least she'll have the presence of mind to catch herself when she's talking about baby poop at dinner, and be able to laugh and change the subject. You just have to wait it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Just wait.. when you have your own kids.. you'll be like her. My daughter was like you.. she had no patience for that kind of stuff... now she has 2 little ones.. and they have become her life.. I know how you feel..although I know how she feels.. for people who never had children.. some things you cannot understand.. simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Just wait.. when you have your own kids.. you'll be like her. My daughter was like you.. she had no patience for that kind of stuff... now she has 2 little ones.. and they have become her life.. I know how you feel..although I know how she feels.. for people who never had children.. some things you cannot understand.. simple as that. I don't think it's about not understanding. It's just not...interesting...to have only one topic of conversation with someone, and to have that continually be the case. If it were any other topic, you can say something. Dude, enough with the stock market or politics or cars or lace doilies or cats or whatever! But when it's someone's child, you can't really tell them you're tired of the endless, one-sided baby talk. Sure, I want an update, and I'd love to see a couple of pictures (only a couple, not all 50 on your cell phone!!). But then can we move on without constantly returning to the baby topic? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I know.. I know.. but these mothers are consumed with their kids... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I know.. I know.. but these mothers are consumed with their kids... So what are you supposed to do? As I said, I limit my time with them. Is there any other option? Do you just accept the friendship has changed irrevocably, and you really don't have so much in common anymore and let the friendship fade away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluewolf17 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Thanks NoraJane, that's how I feel! I think she's a great mom, I just don't want all of our conversations to be on it. It be like me converting religions, seeing "the light" and only talking about god all the time. She would run for the hills (okay, maybe not exactly the same but you get the idea). I want a real conversation with her. This is why I get her away from work, take her out, etc. To get her into the "out with my girlfriends" mode. Maybe she will grow out of it. I just feel so disconnected with her and it makes me sad. I do grow tired of new baby sounds, noises, movements...etc. I want to know about what she's reading, what her other family is up to...etc. I just miss my friend and it's a delicate topic. I can already tell it's a touchy subject. And like I said I do like hearing about her girl, just not all day everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 So what are you supposed to do? As I said, I limit my time with them. Is there any other option? Do you just accept the friendship has changed irrevocably, and you really don't have so much in common anymore and let the friendship fade away? That's usually what happens.. unless she'd be my best friend.. then I would tell her to 'back off' (in a sweet way) with her kiddos.. I would let her know.. politely... I have 2 bestest friends.. and there is absolutely NOTHING that we can talk about to each other... There is always a 'loving' way to talk to the ones we love.. without hurting their feelings.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 So what are you supposed to do? As I said, I limit my time with them. Is there any other option? Do you just accept the friendship has changed irrevocably, and you really don't have so much in common anymore and let the friendship fade away? Unfortunately I've had this happen with some friends and the friendship does just fade away. However, I have had friends who were able to put "mommyhood" on hold and hardly mention the kids when we've gone out. They considered that time "their time" and I think it is healthy for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 It drives me nuts when people have kids and they can't think or talk about anything else. I have a relative like this and even her email address is a mix of her kids' names. It's like she no longer has an identity beyond them. And it's like she thinks she's the only person in the world who deserves the Mother of the Year award. Personally, I think she's a crappy mom because she's impatient and says hurtful things to her kids, but she thinks she's Mother Teresa. It's never good for a parent to live their lives so singularly for their kids. I don't know if there is anything you can do about it except try to drive the conversation to other topics. This is why a lot of married people with kids rarely have friends who are single, or married with no kids. I have a child myself but I never acted that way, so just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you're going to be like your friend when you do have them. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 But we go out, I take her to plays, we get dinner etc. And it seems like every conversation comes back to her baby. Probably when she is out she still has the little one on her mind? Taking interest in how she actually got out of the house in one piece (a massive feat sometimes with children) could be one way of initiating conversation about her day/the child and then you could cleverly switch the conversation once she has had a good outpouring. Like say, 'now you are all mine for the evening.. no more baby talk'.. or something not as cheesy. Just tell her... but really maybe now she thinks she has a better subject to discuss? Maybe help her to find others who she can talk to who are mothers as well. If you have noticed this issue, maybe she has too. It would be a shame if actually she needed that time to talk but was unable to really fully broach topics with you. This returning to topics suggests that she is receiving little feedback. Or maybe the dynamic has simply changed and you need to see her less? This happens sometimes when love interests get more serious and regular friends are not seen as much.. but true friendships seem to survive and bounce back. I think it is a friendship issue first and foremost. Blaming the child may get her back up. Hope you both work it out. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
aznprincess Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 i think that the best way for you to do it is to keep on talking about other things once she starts to talk about her baby, listen and smile or reply shortly... then jump on another topic. Never confront her about this or else she will think you are being very non supportive. Link to post Share on other sites
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