tojaz Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I recently had an experience that opened my eyes to a major pitfall in all of this. I fell into a very emotional relationship with a close friend. It was nothing that i was looking for, but it just developed. She is at a similar point in her life as I am, and we were both very vulnerable. While I believe that the feelings we shared were very real for both of us, we also used each other to fill the void, taking comfort and solace in a connection that we both had lost. Neither one of us was ready for any kind of relationship, but at the beginning we were unwilling to admit this. At the end I still didn't. Although it only lasted a short while, the feelings were very intense. Something we both had been missing, and at the end the sense of loss was just as intense. It knocked me back to square one. Depressed, lonely, and questioning my own worth. Except now I had to cope with the fact that i may have hurt and lost a dear friend. Before everyone screams rebound all at once, I know! Although I couldn't see it at the time. Even argued the fact hoping things would continue. I was wrong, and pushed because i craved the connection, having someone to care about and to care about me for awhile. Thats why I'm writing this, as a warning. I rushed into a relationship, feeding on the connection I have been missing for so long and ended up broken and hurt, and hurting someone i care very deeply about. Could it have been real? Worked out in the end? i will never know, because I lit the fire and got burned by it. Be careful with your hearts people, they are fragile and raw as you cope with the things that brought you here. Also be careful with the hearts of others, for they may be just as fragile! The only thing worse then the pain we're going through, is spreading that pain to others. I learned my lesson, but at a very high cost!:( TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Tojaz, Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that your rebound didn't have a more positive outcome (for both/either of you.) Sometimes they do work out -- whether to facilitate healing or even for a long-term. Sending hugs and good wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Sorry to hear, I understand how you are feeling. In DC class they talk about how hard the second one hurts and you are so right, need to be healed before getting into another relationship..... Thanks for sharing, that had to be hard to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Thanks both of you. I will say, that while it hurts like hell, it was definitely a learning experience. I saw a lot of traits that my wife lacked. Gives me a clearer picture of what I want in my life, when I'm ready. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Sometimes when two people are vulnerable after a breakup it is sharing their grief that can open up an EA..... when in reality their shared grief is perhaps to gain insight on how to move on from the pain..... IMHO.... one has to be completed over their ex before resuming another relationship.... as the vulnerability can overide the grief process that has to be done before another relationship is born.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Gunny Rule No. #1 Relationships? Easy to get into! Can be hard to maintain? Difficult to get out of! Gunny Rule No. # 2 After a divorce and/or relationship? Don't get involved with anyone until at least one year (preferably two) until the ink is dried on the papers! Gunny Rule No. # 3 Take time to get to know yourself, understand yourself! Gunny Rule No. #4 Learn to enjoy your own company! Gunny Rule No. #5 Don't get with someone just to keep from being alone! Gunny Rule No. #6 Don't get married nor in a relationship just to keep from being alone! Gunny Rule No. # 7 Learn to overcome the pain of loneliness! Gunny Rule No. #8 Learn to grow from the pain ~ for without it? There's not much to gain! Pain is weakness leaving the body! Gunny Rule No. #9 Learn! Damnit Learn! Gunny Rule No. #10 Improvise, Adapt, and Over-come! Gunny Rule No. # 11 What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! Gunny Rule No. # 12 There's no shortage of men and women! The world is covered up with them! Over 6 billion of them! Gunny Rule No. #13 Thou shalt not beat thou-self up! Gunny Rule No. #14 Identify your weaknesses and shortcomings ~ and forgive yourself of such! Your only human. Gunny Rule No. #15 Be you and who you are! Someone has a problem with that? That's what it is! Their problem! Gunny Rule No. #16 Live life to its fullest and to its top! Life is short ~ damn short ~ from cradle to age 70 ~ you've only got about 25,000 days to live! And comes at you quick, fast and in a hurry! Gunny Rule No. #17 Get busy living ~ or get your @zz busy dying! Gunny Rule No. #18 Life's to short to hold grudges ~ pick up the phone already and tell them your sorry! Gunny Rule No. #19 Don't let pride hold you back! Gunny Rule No. #20 Be quick to say "I'm sorry!" Gunny Rule No. #21 Be quick to forgive! Gunny Rule No. #22 Be even quicker to forget! Gunny Rule No. #23 There are plenty of @zzholes and such in the world? Wake up each morning and resolve not to be one! The world is covered up with them! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 Great rules Gunny! 100% right every one of them. I didn't go looking for this, it just sort of happened. There was a moment where we basicly said to each other, I don't know when it happened, but this isn't just friends anymore. When that realization came, we already liked what we had so we continued. I wasn't looking for or even wanted a relationship. This girl helped me to understand who I am and what i wanted, i think thats how it happened. As we discussed these things as friends, we just saw traits that we admired and had been lacking, in each other. Gaining that insight is worth the pain I felt when it ended. Not hers though. I'm alright being alone. I don't necessarily like it, but I'm becoming comfortable with it. Like I said, great rules Gunny, I have a feeling I'm going to be referring to them often. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Dominoes282 Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 thx gunny Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hey Tojaz have you talked to her about this? I think it would be good for her to know the traits you found so nice...I know that you and her don't want a rebound but the friendship is important it sounds like so I hope that the communication helps... Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Ladybug, Yeah, it took a little time apart, but I think were going to be able to stay friends. Just too soon and too much emotion for us to deal with at the time. Who knows what will happen later, but I'm glad I didn't have to lose a good friend over this. Friends first has never been more true. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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