gemgirl Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I have the most arrogant friend, pretty much person that I have ever met. She is constantly bragging about how great she is all the time. Seriously, we cannot have a conversation without her bringing up something that "makes her shine" arrrg-so annoying. Aside from this she is really fun, kind, and up for anything. I like spending time with her but I find that I usually end up in a blank stare half the time. Is it possible to help give my friend a reality check without hurting our friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Why do you feel it so annoying that she brings up something that "makes her shine"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemgirl Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 This is not me not being able to share in a friends accomplishments. This is full on bragging all the time. I am not the kind of person who is intimidated by other people's happiness at all, in fact I love to congratulate people. This is different. Let me give an example. The other day we were talking about first impressions and she said to me "yeah, my friends tell me that I am ridiculously good looking" or today we were talking and she said "the conductor pulled me out of the choir and said that everyone should sing like ----". Another time she was saying "yeah, I am a high achiever". Some of this is taken out of context but hopefully you are getting the idea. I am not a gossip so I only know of one other person who has noticed this quality in her. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 What, you want to change her? Thats just the way she is, you can accept her for how she is, or stop hanging with her. Maybe do some bragging of your own. Give her a taste of buckleys. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 she said to me "yeah, my friends tell me that I am ridiculously good looking" or today we were talking and she said "the conductor pulled me out of the choir and said that everyone should sing like ----". Another time she was saying "yeah, I am a high achiever". Sounds as if your friend is having great difficulty finding a happy balance between 'self-promotion with humility' and raging, ugly, boring over-promotion. The latter is due to insecurity -- she needs to keep reminding herself of all the external validation she's getting because she doesn't feel-sense-recognize her worth, internally. If you have lots of patience and do want to try to help her look at how she's doing things: You could start responding to effect of, "If the conductor did that to me, I feel sooo embarrassed -- how did you feel?" (One would expect her to say she felt some form of terrific.) Then you could say, lovingly and light-heartedly, "Howcome you needed the stupid conductor to make you feel like that? -- you ARE <whatever form of terrific>! You're not developing low self-esteem, are you?" (She'll probably say, of course not.) Then you just go, "THAT'S good to hear!" That's just an example, of course. Whatever way is most comfortable for you to do it, start giving her something different (deeper) to think about, in a gentle, validating way. Do that for a while, and then observe, "I notice that you mostly 'fill up' on external validation...have you considered that you can validate your terrific qualities, talents and skills from the inside? And that way, you also won't become dependent on others for your self-worth and esteem." Or. "Being a high achiever must also come with a lot of stress and need to be perfect and just always be achieving -- how do you handle that side of it?" Again, it'll just give her a different angle from which to look at how she is thinking, being and doing in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 You could start responding to effect of, "If the conductor did that to me, I feel sooo embarrassed -- how did you feel?" (One would expect her to say she felt some form of terrific.) Why would you feel "sooo embarrassed"? Maybe the conductor is giving her legitimate praise. I would say she's feeling embarrassed because internally she feels she's not worthy. If she was "sooo embarrassed" then its a possible sign that she herself has low internal self esteem. External validation is not necessarily a bad thing. I asked my original question to the OP because I wanted to find out if it's possible that the OP herself deep down wished she could seek some external validation herself just like her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemgirl Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 This girl had a lot of weight issues when she was younger and I am wondering if this is where it is coming from. I don't think she has ever been with a man either (she is 25). I am not trying to fix her, I just want to be a good friend. Westrock, I can see how you could interpret some of my statements as me needing external validation but I assure you, I am comfortable in my identity(in a good way, like I feel happy with who I am). Yes, I would say I am patient. I interact with unruly people all the time in my job. I am going go out on a limb and totally try what you said Ronni and give an update. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Why would you feel "sooo embarrassed"? Nobody is actually feeling embarrassed -- the idea is for Gemgirl to give her friend a feeling word (any feeling word) as a way for the friend to start thinking about what she is actually getting from her externals. Once the friend knows what feelings she wants, needs and thrives on, then she can (hopefully) start to inspire those within herself instead of relying on her externals to satisfy her. I used 'embarrassed' as an example because some would feel embarrassed to be centred out, even if for legitimate praise. But of course you are absolutely correct -- I totally was not clear enough about any of this. Thanks for the chance to 're-do' and clarify. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Gem, I left my 'puter, and seems you posted during that time -- I didn't see yours before the one I just submitted. It is quite possible that your friend is suffering residual effects of having had those weight issues -- she got her body in shape, but the negative self-image and low self-esteem likely never got properly dealt with. (I think Westrock was referring to my post where I talked about external validation -- not that YOU are seeking external validation. Or, I misinterpreted Westrock's somewhere along the line.) In any case. I got that you're more concerned for your friendship, and wanting to help her realize that the way she's doing this is off-putting and can come across as arrogant. Good luck with helping her. Looking forward to your update...and hoping for all concerned, that it will be a positive one! Link to post Share on other sites
mike88 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Like its already been said, people who feel the need to brag about themselves all the time are just doing it because they're insecure. I've known a few people like that, and it gets old really fast and emotionally drains you. If being with someone makes you unhappy, you need to weigh up why you continue to hang around with them and how they make you feel. If they're insecure they might not even realise what effect they have on the people around them, and anyway its their job to deal with their issues not you. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 This girl had a lot of weight issues when she was younger and I am wondering if this is where it is coming from. This is likely a contributing factor for her behavior. Westrock, I can see how you could interpret some of my statements as me needing external validation but I assure you, I am comfortable in my identity(in a good way, like I feel happy with who I am). Okay, thanks for the clearning that up. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Nobody is actually feeling embarrassed -- the idea is for Gemgirl to give her friend a feeling word (any feeling word) as a way for the friend to start thinking about what she is actually getting from her externals. Once the friend knows what feelings she wants, needs and thrives on, then she can (hopefully) start to inspire those within herself instead of relying on her externals to satisfy her. Okay, now I understand where you are coming from. Thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Ronni, great examples! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Thanks, Tayla. I also do appreciate Westrock's assist in helping me clarify the goals of the 'strategy'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemgirl Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 Well I didn't get into the right situation to confront her about her attitude. However, something must have happened to her because she doesn't seem to be as concerned about talking about herself all the time. Maybe because I totally tune out or something. Maybe she got the hint. Anyway, you all are awesome. I love all your advice and even if I didn't get to use it in this situation I will keep it for other situations ) Link to post Share on other sites
blueyedgrl85 Posted February 26, 2010 Share Posted February 26, 2010 It sounds like this girl just wants some attention. Maybe she has no one to talk to or she feels like she has to "make up" for something lacking in her life. It is annoying when this happens, but try to focus on her good qualities as a friend- yes, she may brag, but is she there for you when you need her? Does she listen to you when you talk? If something happened, would she be there? People who brag excessively are usually just trying to reassure themselves and it stems from insecurity. Unless this is a one-sided friendship where all she does is brag, try to concentrate on what she brings to the friendship. If you still find it difficult, gently suggest to her that as her friend she doesn't have to "prove" anything to you by bragging and that you like her just the way she is and are proud to be her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 26, 2010 Share Posted February 26, 2010 I have the most arrogant friend, pretty much person that I have ever met. She is constantly bragging about how great she is all the time. Seriously, we cannot have a conversation without her bringing up something that "makes her shine" arrrg-so annoying. Aside from this she is really fun, kind, and up for anything. I like spending time with her but I find that I usually end up in a blank stare half the time. Is it possible to help give my friend a reality check without hurting our friendship? Hi GG... I have a friend like this also...she has a very low self esteem and has been hurt greatly... It is just my personal opinion that my friend needs to do this to reaffirm that she is ok. I think there is a difference from constantly causing yourself to "shine" and being confident and communicating confidence. I used to cringe and think OMG why do you have to almost throw these things in my face....and then realised what is actually was...hurt and pain... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemgirl Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 It sounds like this girl just wants some attention. Maybe she has no one to talk to or she feels like she has to "make up" for something lacking in her life. It is annoying when this happens, but try to focus on her good qualities as a friend- yes, she may brag, but is she there for you when you need her? Does she listen to you when you talk? If something happened, would she be there? People who brag excessively are usually just trying to reassure themselves and it stems from insecurity. Unless this is a one-sided friendship where all she does is brag, try to concentrate on what she brings to the friendship. If you still find it difficult, gently suggest to her that as her friend she doesn't have to "prove" anything to you by bragging and that you like her just the way she is and are proud to be her friend. Yes, she is all those things that you mentioned. Hearing it through text makes those qualities in her stand out more. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Hurtbunny Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I know uv kinda ended this post now but just wana say I have friends like this. V annoying. I normally mirror their ridiculous behaviour so they can see how nutty it is. Just to prove a point. The most mature thing you can probably do is back away from the person. They are obviously unhappy and insecure, hence having to talk themselves up all the time. I have a friend who referes to herself as an 'award winning photographer' (she won a competition at school when she was 14) sometimes is borders on narcissism but when she continually plays this out every time I speak to her it drives me insane!! I have to hear about it EVERY single conversation and yet not allowed to mention anything about my own achievements! arghhhhhh!!! sorry =) Link to post Share on other sites
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