Carm Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Hi Everyone, This is my first post and it's because I'm feeling isolated, frantic and undesired. Quick stats- I'm a 44 women, two teenage children living with me as well as my boyfriend of 3 years. We've been living together for over 2 years and we have an amazing relationship. It's the kind of relationship that a lot of single and unhappy gf's are envious about. So what's the problem? Our sex life-we are I suppose officially in a sexless relationship. In this aspect of our relationship, I feel so rejected. I know he loves me but we've never had the mad passion for lovemaking. What's worse is I know it's not because I don't take care of my physical self as I'm in the fitness industry so I'm toned, good looking and fit. Yet, this is making me feel unattractive. We had big blowup last night when he basically confirmed that he had no passion for me or anybody. When I point blank asked him if he was attracted to me---it took him a few minutes to finally answer yes. It felt like an Elephant was stepping on my ribcage while I'm waiting for him to answer Yes. He said if I was going to be asked a serious question then he wanted to make sure he wasn't blurting out an answer just to appease me. Though that hesitation on his part has really concerned me....to me it's not one that takes awhile to answer, it's either yes or no???? Clearly this issue needs medical attention whether its a physical or emotional problem this needs attention to as I cannot live the rest of my life feeling undesired. I don't want to make this about me BUT I'm really feeling like the victim. Could use some insights. Thanks, :-) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 When you say "sexless" how long has it been? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 issue needs medical attention whether its a physical or emotional problem this needs attention to as I cannot live the rest of my life feeling undesired If you love him and feel he's worth it, then give him the opportunity to get himself to the Dr and have a physical done. Keep talking about it and make sure he understands that yes, you love him, but you also don't want to be in a relationship that has no passion or sex. It isn't fair to either of you to stay together, sex is a deal breaker I think in this situation.. If you stay together and don't resolve this, eventually you could to cheat on him.. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I have a "low drive" wife - and I am the "high drive" spouse. We are both 46, very fit, 3 kids. Great relationship. First of all lets just accept that we have both been taught that the male should mainly be the aggressor. From reading your post I am confident that two things are true, one you are quite attractive and two that it "might" work better if you initiate - but ONLY if the two of you can agree on how that works For us, from the start she was willing to teach me how to "get her" in the mood when she started out not at all aroused. - Relaxing massage - Sensual massage (mainly inner thighs and butt) - Foreplay (whatever she likes - I find it fun) - Sex So the question is, will he let you "get him aroused" on nights when he does not start out in the mood? The other question is a bit sensitive. Does he masturbate/watch porn? Sadly some guys just get into a porn habit when they are between women and it becomes a daily thing. THAT will kill the desire level of almost any man. If he masturbates - that somehow needs to stop - and he needs to learn to defer pleasure until his desire level is high and he is craving YOU. Hi Everyone, This is my first post and it's because I'm feeling isolated, frantic and undesired. Quick stats- I'm a 44 women, two teenage children living with me as well as my boyfriend of 3 years. We've been living together for over 2 years and we have an amazing relationship. It's the kind of relationship that a lot of single and unhappy gf's are envious about. So what's the problem? Our sex life-we are I suppose officially in a sexless relationship. In this aspect of our relationship, I feel so rejected. I know he loves me but we've never had the mad passion for lovemaking. What's worse is I know it's not because I don't take care of my physical self as I'm in the fitness industry so I'm toned, good looking and fit. Yet, this is making me feel unattractive. We had big blowup last night when he basically confirmed that he had no passion for me or anybody. When I point blank asked him if he was attracted to me---it took him a few minutes to finally answer yes. It felt like an Elephant was stepping on my ribcage while I'm waiting for him to answer Yes. He said if I was going to be asked a serious question then he wanted to make sure he wasn't blurting out an answer just to appease me. Though that hesitation on his part has really concerned me....to me it's not one that takes awhile to answer, it's either yes or no???? Clearly this issue needs medical attention whether its a physical or emotional problem this needs attention to as I cannot live the rest of my life feeling undesired. I don't want to make this about me BUT I'm really feeling like the victim. Could use some insights. Thanks, :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Hi All, Thanks for the replies. When I say it's a "sexless" relationship, it's been quite a few months (3 to 4 months). I view sex as an important extension of a healthy relationship but even if there is no sex I'd take just kissing and touching BUT there isn't any of that and I'm really feeling rejected. He's just told me that he can't even give me that because he's not attracted to me sexually nor anyone else. Even watching porn doesn't do it like it used to. In any past relationship I haven't had to put the effort in like I have here but in this one I've always been the "initiator" and that no longer works. Clearly there is something wrong but I can't help feeling isolated. In every other aspect of our life everythings great, he's a great man but this has left a sting. He knows I love him but I can't be in a passionless relationship forever. Carm Link to post Share on other sites
vox Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Ranked in order of likelihood: Just not that into you anymore > Clinical Depression > Gay > Asexual Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Ranked in order of likelihood: Just not that into you anymore > Clinical Depression > Gay > Asexual Even I didn't know him better I'd have to agree but all my gf's think I've scored big time with someone who IS so into me. I can't even bring it to them that sexually he hasn't been into me in a long time - one can also take that literally. You could be right about the Clinical Depression, he was a career soldier and diagnosed with PTSD (post tramautic stress disorder) 8 years ago. Common characteristic is depression. If that's true, that makes two of depressed for different reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 How old is he? And has the relationship been sexless the entire 3 yrs? And I need to add, sexual attraction is not about looks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Like me he's 44 years old and I realize that stress can affect libido and he's certainly been working a lot of 14 hour days for over a year. In the beginning he had sex a few times a week but I'd say for the last 1 1/2 it's been pretty much non existent. If it existed it's because I really initiated. I can see your point about "sexual attraction" having nothing to do with looks. This whole discussion started last night as he suddenly had the realization that he had passion in other areas but the one important area that was missing was passion for us. It also occurred to him that every relationship that he has been in has been because he wanted to be the "Knight in shining armor." I can believe that because he's a selfless guy and has always put his personal safety aside to save someone (literally). I think anyone who knows someone in the Army can attest to the fact that for the most part they want to save the world. Here I am, a single mother trying to raise 2 kids, working a lot and in he comes for the rescue. Having said that, I wasn't financially struggling and I owned a home but he must of seen something. BTW, throughout this 1 1/2 he's been to the Dr three times to this issue. The first time they switched Hypertension meds, second time he went for cognitive therapy and third time she felt because he had stopped exercising and had gained 15 pounds he's libido is low. None of that worked....he recently lost 10 pounds but he's still has no sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Carm I guess you have to ask yourself if you can be in a relationship like this. If not...then only you can change the circumstances, because it seems what he has done is not working. Sex is an important part of a relationship. I know. So really think about what your limit is...and love yourself enough to stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Well 44 is mid life and there is something called Andropause. Male menopause where a man's libido and passion for life just dies. As any good menopausal woman will tell you, hormones changes are HELL! It's not about you, so don't feel so hurt. He can get his testosterone checked. Link to post Share on other sites
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