Over or not over?

[mimiminx]

I posted a thread 3 weeks ago, "first week of breakup.. or is it?" I need some advice please. I am waking up every day nauseous and confused. I am agonizing over this and I need some help. The whole story is in my previous thread. I made a list today of all the signs that I know it's over, and it's not over. I have talked to him 3 times on the phone and he's been contacting me through Facebook several times. This after 2 weeks NC. Here's my list:

 

SIGNS THAT IT IS...

 

OVER:

1. He didn't label it as just a separation.

2. He moved his stuff out of our apartment and drove home to his family in Oregon.

3. He immediately changed his Facebook and Myspace status to "single"

4. Doesn't know when he's coming back to San Diego, but plans on doing so.

5. When I asked him if we could give it another try, he said "I can't do that right now"

6. It's been over 3 weeks since we've seen eachother.

7. He told other people that we were broken up when they asked.

8. We don't talk every day.

 

NOT OVER:

1. Wants to keep in communication and has been doing so.

2. He left in desperation, after a fight.

3. He keeps pictures of us up in his Facebook and his Myspace profile.

4. Did not delete me as a friend, nor my friends and family.

5. I am still receiving his mail (no change of address)

6. We share a phone bill and nothing has changed, no mention of it.

7. He left important personal items here with me and in San Diego.

8. Never said the words to me, "break up, it's over, goodbye, there's no chance, it's too late, I don't love you anymore, I want to move on, etc. None of the classics.

9.Asks and is interested in my life, plans, and shares his info with me on a personal level.

10. Said the reason he had to get so far away is because if he was here, all he would want to do is hold me, make love to me, and be with me. (trying to separate his emotions)

11. Talks openly about his feelings for me: how much he loves me, WHY he does, he has romantic "in love" feelings for me.

12. His stay up there is temporary, he has no plans. Says he's been unhappy there.

13. Wants to keep in touch with me.

14. Not ready to let me go.

15. Wants to make sure I don't forget him. He sent an email of a picture of us together saying how he thinks about me, this is his favorite picture of me. Stays on Facebook, popping in all the time. Renting a space in my head.

16. Said that it wouldn't be fair for him to ask me to wait for him, but that it would kill him if I were with someone else. Offered the information that he's not up there trying to hook up with anyone.

17. Said how much this has affected him.

18. We both still love each other very much and told each other so.

 

Anyone? Any thoughts? I am waiting to hear from him again. I think I will soon, but I am not initiating it as hard as it is.

[dashing daisy]

These three popped out at me:

 

He moved his stuff out of our apartment and drove home to his family in Oregon.

He immediately changed his Facebook and Myspace status to "single"

He told other people that we were broken up when they asked.

 

Sounds to me like for him, the relationship is over. I know this is painful, but I think for now you really need to do your best to live your own life apart from him, and start to move on.

 

It sounds like you didn't really see this coming, and it happened abruptly, which makes it harder, although this is a very difficult situation to be in under any circumstances.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to re-establish No Contact, and keep to it rigidly.

It's not over until you do this, because the situation is always going to keep you dangling.

Be decisive:

 

NOT OVER:

1. Wants to keep in communication and has been doing so. No, sorry, this is not possible.

2. He left in desperation, after a fight. If he's left, he's left.

3. He keeps pictures of us up in his Facebook and his Myspace profile. His problem and screw-up, not yours. Delete your accounts and never visit either, again!

4. Did not delete me as a friend, nor my friends and family. See previous comment.

5. I am still receiving his mail (no change of address), Advise him you will do this for 2 more weeks then everything will be put into the bin.

6. We share a phone bill and nothing has changed, no mention of it. Take his name off the bill and send him a final account for his share, if there is any. "Please pay this within 2 weeks, or I will pursue you for the money"

7. He left important personal items here with me and in San Diego. Box 'em up, ship 'em out, get rid of them, or tell him the saame about these things (to be collected from a neutral point) as you will about the mail. 2 weeks, or it's gone. Let him deal with it.

8. Never said the words to me, "break up, it's over, goodbye, there's no chance, it's too late, I don't love you anymore, I want to move on, etc. None of the classics. That's because he's a spineless coward and is throwing you breadcrumbs and keeping you on a back-burner kind of string...

9.Asks and is interested in my life, plans, and shares his info with me on a personal level. See what I mean? just enough to keep you interested, but not enough to keep him committed.

10. Said the reason he had to get so far away is because if he was here, all he would want to do is hold me, make love to me, and be with me. (trying to separate his emotions) Oh, Fu*c*k off. Words, words, words. if you mean it, you do it. Watch the actions, not the words.

11. Talks openly about his feelings for me: how much he loves me, WHY he does, he has romantic "in love" feelings for me. Dingle, dangle, on a string, boing boing boing.... are you done, bouncing yet?

12. His stay up there is temporary, he has no plans. Says he's been unhappy there. Well then, DO something... blah blah blah.... he went there, you didn't send him....

13. Wants to keep in touch with me. Tough doodies. Can't be done.

14. Not ready to let me go. Oh really? So that's good enough is it? He's not ready? So how long does he propose to keep you guessing? Nope, it's over, because you say so. Don't rely on him for anything.

15. Wants to make sure I don't forget him. He sent an email of a picture of us together saying how he thinks about me, this is his favorite picture of me. Stays on Facebook, popping in all the time. Renting a space in my head. Free of charge, I take it? What are you getting from this apart from sick to the stomach, nauseous and on the verge of tears? You see how he's manipulating you? of course he doesn't want you to forget him, it's doing his ego no end of good! What a big-headed @$$hole!!

16. Said that it wouldn't be fair for him to ask me to wait for him, but that it would kill him if I were with someone else. Offered the information that he's not up there trying to hook up with anyone. Oh please.... that's manuipulative too, see? Well tough luck. being separate means being a free agent. This is so much emotional blackmail. "I can't be happy with you, but I don't want you to be happy with anyone else either".... neat....

17. Said how much this has affected him. Ego, ego, ego!! Affected him?? has he spared a thought for how this has affected YOU?? I don't thinks so...HELLOOOO!!!??!!

18. We both still love each other very much and told each other so. Bull*sheet. all the issues you've posted above, hinge on his feelings, his actions, his responses, his wants. There is nothing there that makes me think he has any thoughts for what all his cr*p is affecting YOU.

You're desperate and vulnerable, he's manipulative and egotistic. Nothing there speaks of Love.

[mimiminx]

Ouch. Maybe you're right. We talked again last night, he initiated it.

Gotta let this go for now. I put my heart on the table for him, that's all I can do.

[TaraMaiden]

You have to tell him that you are initiating no contact.

 

you have to tell him what I advised with regard to mail and personal effects.

He has two weeks to deal with them, or you will dispose of them as stated.

 

You have to finalise the bills, get the money off him, and get him to be responsible for his financial obligations.

(What's the betting that now you are asking him to step up to the plate, he refuses to do so? While you've been compliant, he's been all sweetness and light. the moment you try to flex a bit of muscle. he's going to turn into an @$$)....

 

You have to stop him leeching your energy, and sucking you dry, and at the same time, giving you precious little comfort in return.

Show him you mean business, and are not going to play this namby-pamby game any more....

 

You do see it, don't you?

You see what he's doing, in the list you posted above, to which I responded, item by item?

 

The words 'emotionally manipulative' are absolutely bang-on here.

 

NC is there to protect you from tearing yourself apart. And from letting him do the same.

[boogieboy]

You have to cut him off now, before you see him dating other people. You have to get it in your head that its over. If you continue to hang on he can use you like that for months or years. Cut him off right now. He broke it off because he didnt want to work it out with you, so right now he doesnt deserve to talk to you.

[mimiminx]

He is leaving the door open to working things out. We spoke the other night. TaraMaiden, I appreciate your input but I have to disagree with many of your statements. First of all, he is not a bad guy, he's never ever been emotionally manipulative with me and he would never intentionally hurt me.. he never has before... In regards to the phone bill, it is in his name but we both have lines on the account. We both have access to paying the bill online. He left me some money to take care of it. How thoughtful, right? At least he wasn't a complete a$$shole. As far as the Facebook and Myspace, I don't have Myspace and I am NOT going to delete my Facebook account. That is ridiculous. Why should I do that?

We talked about meeting in person but it wouldn't be practical right now.. he said if I came up there for a couple days we wouldn't have enough time to address the issues of concern for both of us, mostly him I guess. I know that if he wanted to work things out, he would be the one to initiate it and there is a possibility that may happen, but I'm not going to hang on to that. Until I see the actions, I will tell myself it's over.

Here's the confusing part.. he tells me that he loves me very much. When we talk, he asks about me, doesn't talk about himself too much. He is concerned about my life. He is NOT a bad guy!!! He is a good man and everyone knows that about him. I've been with an emotionally manipulative man before and I would expect that behavior from him, not this man.

He seems to be mulling things over, keeping in communication with me DAILY since last week, whether it's phone calls, email, Facebook. Never in the time that we've been together have I seen him on Facebook as much as he is now. The other night I went on there and he was on, immediately after I logged in he sent me a message. He's obsessing over me. Last night, he sent me a private message at 3 am commenting about the new picture I posted of myself. He's logging on to read what I'm doing, see when i'm on there, and when I am he hangs out waiting. All his friends on there are mostly mutual friends, no other girl or anthing. I ruled that idea out.

I asked him about the mail he's still receiving here, and he said that I can go ahead and open it if I have a chance and let him know what it is. He said he didn't change his address. I brought up his stuff that's still here and asked him what I should do with it, and he said "I don't know,.. I don't want to talk about it right now" ????

I'm not going to get rid of his stuff just yet. I will be moving in one month and by that time I will know what to do with it. He told me about a job offer he got in San Diego (where I am) and didn't say any more about it.

Anyway, I feel he is still holding on. He keeps in regular communication with me, we talk for hours about the relationship, we've addressed the issues that were making us unhappy, he tells me how much he loves me, that he's sorry that he hurt me. Tell me WHY... if it was OVER in his mind, WHY would this be happening?

[boogieboy]

Minimix Tara Maiden has all your questions that you could ever ask already in the previous posts, you might want to read those words again, and believe them this time. She is spot on. He broke it off for a reason.

[xpaperxcutx]

More often than not, it's always the OPs that like to make little excuses to condone their SOs actions.

 

We can't tell you what to do, but we can tell you what we make of things. TaraMaiden has hit on a few important points about your ex ( admit it he broke up with you so that exempts him from being called your bf). Whatever his behavior up until he moved back to Oregon had been, a person can change. Calling him sweet doesn't eradicate and erase the fact that he has moved out miles away from you, and is now manipulating your emotions.

 

You may not realize it, but heartbreak makes a person vulnerable. Unless you can think on a clear head, you will never take any of the advice on here seriously. You will continue to hold on to him until he comes out and tell you " it's over". It may be months and maybe a year, but when it actually happens you'll go through another month of crying and sobbing about how much time you wasted on him. So instead of being stuck in a neutral zone and being idle about it, make a move that will benefit you.

 

No, I don't expect you to beg him to come back because he was the one that decided to walk away. He's not the one holding you back, you are.

 

Sure actions speak louder than words, but how is talking with you online and texting at 3 in the morning genuine? If he meant what he said ( I love you etc) he would have immediately taken the first plane back to San Diego.

 

This guy may love you, but obviously you only place second to his ego and selfishness.

[mimiminx]

I am about to confront him about the mail, stuff, phone,etc. I sent an email asking if he can call when he's free. I know this will throw him for a loop. I'm not going to be cruel or harsh, but just put my foot down. I am really nervous but I have to do this. After all that is decided (and he takes care of it) there will be no loose ends. Then I can move forward.

I know this will shock him as I've been "the victim" here; he knows he's in control and can't have his cake and eat it too. This will also force the response I am looking for.

Wish me luck!

[caramel c]

I am about to confront him about the mail, stuff, phone,etc. I sent an email asking if he can call when he's free. I know this will throw him for a loop. I'm not going to be cruel or harsh, but just put my foot down. I am really nervous but I have to do this. After all that is decided (and he takes care of it) there will be no loose ends. Then I can move forward.

I know this will shock him as I've been "the victim" here; he knows he's in control and can't have his cake and eat it too. This will also force the response I am looking for.

Wish me luck!

 

You don't need luck. You need willpower. Be strong.

[harmfulsweetz]

It's over for him, he may not like the idea of it, but it is. If he loved you so much, why hasn't he come back, or better yet, why didn't he stay in the first place to sort it out? It doesn't make any semblance of sense, his actions are contradicting his words. You want to be with him, I see that. But excusing his behaviour is settling for second best. You deserve to be with someone who wants this to work as much as you do, and who will stick around. If you get back together, are you prepared to go through it all over again? All this time spent around,waiting on him, is as useful to you, as if you had slept through this time. You need to stop excusing him. Move on, cut the contact. Sort the stuff out, maybe ask him for an address, send it there and be done with it. Seriously. Do you want to control your own life or someone else?

 

Get the book It's called a break up because it's broken by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola Behrendt.It's excellent, it will help you sift through your feelings and think of ways to get over it quick.

[mimiminx]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I finally put my foot down tonight. I was dreading it but I had to do it at some point otherwise I would have kept myself in this horrible limbo.

Firstly I have to say I still love this man very much. I want more than anything for us to work this out. There was no lying, cheating, abuse, or anything bad in our relationship from either party. We broke up, from what he tells me, because of circumstances and me not respecting his 'space' when he asked to be left alone. He knows how I feel about him and what i want.

For two days' attempts to talk to him, last night he called late,being very friendly and sweet and said he'd call me when he got home from spending time with his brother so we could talk, it got too late so I went to bed, he apologized and said we'd do it today, I texted him please call me when you're free" and we set a time for him to call. That was tonight. He called right on time. I was friendly, not harsh, but firm. I asked how he was doing, school, etc. He asked me the same. I was light and friendly. NO TALK OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

I brought up the mail he has here and said that he needs to put in a change of address. ( I am moving in a month )He said he would do that this week and asked again what the mail was and said go ahead and toss it.

His stuff, I said I can give it to his friend here, or send it to him once he gives me the money to ship it. He said give it to the friend.

Now the phone.. this is what was the kicker. I knew that if he told me "you need to get your own line" (It's his account but we are on the same bill, both have access to the account, payments) then a major tie between us would be severed. I asked him about the phone, and he said let's just pay our half each month. So we would keep that. That's ok with me, I don't mind doing that, that's what we have been doing anyway for a year now. i really don't want to get a new phone, contract, number, etc. So that was actually a good thing.

I was determined to keep it simple, to the point, but still be firm. I was. He was responsive to it. I"m sure my tone came across as trying too hard to keep it together, and he picked up on that. He called me "honey" and said my name a couple times too. I ended the conversation, it was about 10 minutes. I said, "well, I guess that's it, I'll let you go. Maybe we can stay in touch." And he replied shortly, "Sure, absolutely." We said "bye" and hung up. For some reason his tone with me tonight seemed a little cold, maybe picking up on my tone.

It was different from the last few times we talked. The last few times we talked on the phone over the past 2 weeks, he was open, friendly, full of emotion and said I love you each time. I didn't say I love you tonight and neither did he. I just said what I had to say.

I put my foot down tonight. I didn't intend to close the door, but I feel better now that I am no longer waiting around for him, expecting him to come back, holding on to his stuff.

Even though I'm NOT moving on, I let him know that I wasn't waiting around anymore. He needed to know that, even if I didn't say the words.

Now.. I don't really expect to hear from him again. Why should I expect it? I do love him very much and believe that the feelings he has for me can't go away in a matter of a couple days (even 2 weeks after he left). He left me, his ACTIONS aren't showing that he wants to get back together, although his words really contradict that sometimes. So any contact on his part from here on out really is unnecessary unless he wants to talk about the relationship, or try to get back together. Let me say that if that ever happened, I would be very hesitant to get back into it. It would take awhile, as much as I love him.

We had a story book romance that went on passionately and full of love for over 2 years. We were planning our lives together, even up until the day before he split. Even after he got to Portland, his feelings for me remained the same, just that he didn't think he could be in a relationship with me. So after all that, all that love, all that beautiful romance, it's come down to this. I think of what beautiful experiences we shared. It really hurts that he's gone. I feel much less happy without him. He made me really happy.. that's what is so hard about this.

I have no reason to contact him again after tonight. If I did, I doubt it would yield anything except small talk and me trying not to talk about the relationship. If he initiates it, which he might, I can choose whether to respond. The ball is in his court. I've done all I can do and I feel good about that.

In the back of my mind though, I've been wanting to send him a letter. I would really like to pour my heart out to him. memories and all that. I can't just leave it like this. Our love has been so beautiful.. I can't forget it. I want to share that with him and thank him. Is that wrong?

[seoa]

In the back of my mind though, I've been wanting to send him a letter. I would really like to pour my heart out to him. memories and all that. I can't just leave it like this. Our love has been so beautiful.. I can't forget it. I want to share that with him and thank him. Is that wrong?

good for you, for being strong... as everyone else has been saying, he has to want you back enough for his actions to show it clearly - nothing else is enough...

 

re: the letter - yes it's a bad idea... a very bad idea...

 

instead, write the letter, and keep it (do NOT send it)... then a few days later, when the temptation to send it gets too much, write another one instead (without reading the first one)... and still do NOT send it... just number and date it...

 

keep doing this, and when you look back on them, you'll probably be very glad you didn't send the first few versions, because they will come across as much more desperate & clingy than you thought you were being...

 

and by that point, that much further into NC, you'll be able to get a better perspective on whether sending anything is a good idea - but for now, don't send them...

[xpaperxcutx]

good for you, for being strong... as everyone else has been saying, he has to want you back enough for his actions to show it clearly - nothing else is enough...

 

re: the letter - yes it's a bad idea... a very bad idea...

 

instead, write the letter, and keep it (do NOT send it)... then a few days later, when the temptation to send it gets too much, write another one instead (without reading the first one)... and still do NOT send it... just number and date it...

 

keep doing this, and when you look back on them, you'll probably be very glad you didn't send the first few versions, because they will come across as much more desperate & clingy than you thought you were being...

 

and by that point, that much further into NC, you'll be able to get a better perspective on whether sending anything is a good idea - but for now, don't send them...

 

I completely agree with you on the letter.

 

Mimiminx, I'm glad that you've finally made a breakthrough and have decided to stop all the waiting. Although I'm a little concerned about the shared phone account I also know that it's completely impossible to cut off all ties from the ex, at least in the beginning.

 

Keep your current stance and worry about yourself and your health. If urges suddenly come up to contacting him again please make sure you stick with NC. Overtime the ache will be less fresh and you'll eventually move on, if you haven't decided to do just yet.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I'm concerned about the 'phone too.. If he's no longer with you, then there's no earthly point keeping it.

That's why we have e-mail and mobile 'phones....

Home telephones are becoming virtually obsolete, anyway...

I'd cut this tie as well... you really have to....

because this line,

 

I knew that if he told me "you need to get your own line" (It's his account but we are on the same bill, both have access to the account, payments) then a major tie between us would be severed.

 

and this one alone, tells me that you're still not prepared to call it quits and go while it's good....

[Beeotch]

I think it is safe to say...it is over.

 

If one has to wonder and seeks signs about the state of your relationship, then it is over.

 

 

The short list of why it is over is more convincing than the long list of why it is not...as many of the things are random and seem not to have much to do with anything. If he moved out and put his status as single then it is over. Those 2 signs ALONE explain it all....

 

 

I think you need to get to a place of acceptance now as I do not feel your situation is one of ambiguity. In some scenarios I can understand where it is fuzzy and it is a break but not quite a break up but in your scenario it seems to be a break up.

 

I think it is best to come to terms with that and continue NC and establish some mindset to move forward. I remember the days of agony and torture but am here to say, I no longer feel them.So the best thing to do is consider it over and come up with a way of giving yourself closure then pretty soon you will get to a place of acceptance and indifference and hope for a brighter future. But constantly thinking it may not be done and so forth....torture. You put yourself in this limbo of waiting and anxiety as I am SURE you are already experiencing...it stunts your growth. So the sooner YOU give YOURSELF closure and make a choice for yourself and not what you THINK he is/isn't doing/saying/feeling the sooner you feel better.

[Beeotch]

More often than not, it's always the OPs that like to make little excuses to condone their SOs actions.

 

We can't tell you what to do, but we can tell you what we make of things. TaraMaiden has hit on a few important points about your ex ( admit it he broke up with you so that exempts him from being called your bf). Whatever his behavior up until he moved back to Oregon had been, a person can change. Calling him sweet doesn't eradicate and erase the fact that he has moved out miles away from you, and is now manipulating your emotions.

 

You may not realize it, but heartbreak makes a person vulnerable. Unless you can think on a clear head, you will never take any of the advice on here seriously. You will continue to hold on to him until he comes out and tell you " it's over". It may be months and maybe a year, but when it actually happens you'll go through another month of crying and sobbing about how much time you wasted on him. So instead of being stuck in a neutral zone and being idle about it, make a move that will benefit you.

 

No, I don't expect you to beg him to come back because he was the one that decided to walk away. He's not the one holding you back, you are.

Sure actions speak louder than words, but how is talking with you online and texting at 3 in the morning genuine? If he meant what he said ( I love you etc) he would have immediately taken the first plane back to San Diego.

 

This guy may love you, but obviously you only place second to his ego and selfishness.

 

I agree with everything minus the bolded....I hope you are just exaggerating to get the point across.

 

Because that is one problem I have on loveshack and I have said it time and again, these illogical conclusions people draw about love or how to know if someone cares and they set these fantastic measures and standards fit for the movies but that has hardly any bearing on how most people actually act. They do not take into account the fact that as humans we may feel one thing but our actions and words say another....which is like the saying "the heart is willing BUT the flesh is weak..." We all know of instances where we have said something and didn't mean it or said something but how we acted may not have shown it and the list goes on...but I think when it comes on to other people's actions we become harsher judges expecting them to do xyz...that we ourselves may not always do. Such is the complexity of human nature and why relationships are so hard...because we might have good intentions but they do not always play out and there is often miscommunication (even we ourselves sometimes do things we don't quite understand further more for someone else to understand it), misinterpretation and so on. Hardly anything is ever cut and dry as if you love me then you will always do X....

 

So in truth...we cannot always say that because someone doesn't do x (fly out on the 1st flight to see you) means they do not love or care for you. There are so many other variables. Just had to speak on that.

[mimiminx]

Just to clarify, it is a cell phone account. I will take the advice on the letter, not sending it although I don't really understand why i shouldn't eventually. Am I supposed to just forget about everything? Why should I act like our relationship meant nothing?

Here's another question... if he contacts me, would you agree the best thing is to ignore it? I don't want to shut him out of my life. I want the opportunity for a second chance.

Yes, I'm still holding on. I am not ready to move on.

[georgia girl]

Mimiminx,

 

Here's the reality sister. It sounds like you may have found yourself a commitment phobe. At least your ending sounds like it. Everything's going great, then suddenly, you're no longer a couple because he needs space, time, etc.

 

Now, here's my advice that may or may not work but it puts you on the absolute best path to healing: go strict no contact. First, it's a win for you because it helps you to heal even when you don't want to heal (which it sounds like you're at the "anything to get them back" stage). But secondly, it resets the playing field.

 

My very abbreviated story is that I, too, dated a wonderful man who after a year abruptly ended our relationship. I gave him two "pour my heart out conversations" at which point, he was not responsive. However, he NEVER quit contacting me. So, I went no contact. The man showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't home but I wished I had been at the time), texted, called, emailed, etc., but I never responded.

 

It allowed me the chance to get angry, to really value myself and to put my relationship into perspective. When I eventually gave in and talked to him (got somewhat tricked here), the playing field had changed. He was back in pursuit and I was not guaranteeing anything.

 

That's where we are now. He is seriously trying to work on his commitment issues and we're reading the book, "He's Scared, She's Scared" together. But I can promise you, it would never have happened if I hadn't rejected the crumbs he was offering me.

 

For your sake, your relationship's sake - and for his sake - force him to meet a very high standard to come back to you. I don't know if it will work out with us or not, but I know one thing: my BF has tremendous respect for me and our relationship now. He would not have truly worked on his issues had he really thought he could get me back. He tells me now that he would "get desperate" in sending me texts and even started asking me questions in the text to try and get me to respond. While he was very hurt at the time, he understands that it's hurt he brought on and we're doing okay. (In fact, we're going overnight this weekend for Labor Day. )

[4givrnt4gtr]

Mimi, you are grabbing at straws here.

 

Though i understand the "im not ready to move on" part. I really wish we would just stop thinking about "how can I make this work" and start thinking about "what is best for ME"

 

Being an option is not whats best for you. Nor is holding onto a man who already put out for the world to see that he is single and ready to mingle, yet is stringing you along just in case.

 

I once read something along the lines of "never make someone a priority that sees you as an option". I try to remember that whenever I find myself trying to convince someone that they DO like me and want to be with me. If they cant see that for themselves and move quickly before they lose me, then i really havent lost much.

 

I think ive felt a lot like you in several occasions. When Im in love with a guy, and for some reason it falls apart but i still see there is hope of some kind of reconciliation so I hold on to that little ray of hope.

 

Slowly though ive come to the idea that I deserve more than a little ray. I deserve an entire sunshine and though there might be a ray in whatever I had, I might just be able to find what I truly want and need if i just let it go.

 

Trust me you deserve better than what he seems to be offering you right now.

 

Now.....I also do understand that people make mistakes, they freak out and make wrong choices.

 

In that case I still believe you need to let him go. Let him go and let him come back when he has his mind straight, but let him work to get to you again. He lost his place in line so he's gonna have to work like the rest of the competition.

 

bassically value yourself, and next thing you know, he and everyone else will value you. Thats the only way you can really be in a good relationship.

 

I know its hard, cuz i am right there with you...we can do this

[mimiminx]

Mimiminx,

 

Here's the reality sister. It sounds like you may have found yourself a commitment phobe. At least your ending sounds like it. Everything's going great, then suddenly, you're no longer a couple because he needs space, time, etc.

 

Now, here's my advice that may or may not work but it puts you on the absolute best path to healing: go strict no contact. First, it's a win for you because it helps you to heal even when you don't want to heal (which it sounds like you're at the "anything to get them back" stage). But secondly, it resets the playing field.

 

My very abbreviated story is that I, too, dated a wonderful man who after a year abruptly ended our relationship. I gave him two "pour my heart out conversations" at which point, he was not responsive. However, he NEVER quit contacting me. So, I went no contact. The man showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't home but I wished I had been at the time), texted, called, emailed, etc., but I never responded.

 

It allowed me the chance to get angry, to really value myself and to put my relationship into perspective. When I eventually gave in and talked to him (got somewhat tricked here), the playing field had changed. He was back in pursuit and I was not guaranteeing anything.

 

That's where we are now. He is seriously trying to work on his commitment issues and we're reading the book, "He's Scared, She's Scared" together. But I can promise you, it would never have happened if I hadn't rejected the crumbs he was offering me.

 

For your sake, your relationship's sake - and for his sake - force him to meet a very high standard to come back to you. I don't know if it will work out with us or not, but I know one thing: my BF has tremendous respect for me and our relationship now. He would not have truly worked on his issues had he really thought he could get me back. He tells me now that he would "get desperate" in sending me texts and even started asking me questions in the text to try and get me to respond. While he was very hurt at the time, he understands that it's hurt he brought on and we're doing okay. (In fact, we're going overnight this weekend for Labor Day. )

 

I agree, he does fit many of the signs of a commitment phobe. I picked up "He's Scared, She's Scared" and am going through that. It's helping me understand.

I am also going NC after the conversation we had last night. I tied up the loose ends. I forced it. In a way, I guess I let him know that I wouldn't accept this half-assed BS. I do deserve more than what he's giving me, I deserve sunshine, not a ray of sunshine. I don't know if he'll contact me again, but if he does, I'm going to ignore it. "reject the breadcrumbs". If he's set on moving on, then I don't expect to hear from him. If I do, nothing he says will really mean much, unless I get the "full frontal assault" (as Caliguy puts it. And yes, I intend to set the standards very high for myself, regardless if it's him pursuing to get back together or not.

Can I ask how long you ignored his attempts to contact you? What was the point that you decided to respond? Did he say "I made a mistake, I want to work this out, etc.?"

I'm so happy for you that you guys are reconciling. Another question, while you were broken up, what about the fact that he may have been dating,etc. Was that ever a topic that came up after you got back together? How much time went by between the break up and reconciliation?

Not holding out hope here, I know what I need to do, just curious. Thanks for your story.

[georgia girl]

There's no formula here. I ignored my ex for about three weeks (maybe more, maybe less) because I was focusing on me. I used to get so angry when he'd text me or email, because it was such a pathetic crumb that I was offended by it. And yes, he did ask me to come back, clearly, in no uncertain terms, he asked for a second chance. I told him no. All of this was not because I was playing a game. I simply wanted to get over the man. I genuinely felt that my relationship was over, there was too much "yuck" in between us and he wasn't the man I had first started dating.

 

After I told him (very nicely, by the way) that there was no longer a chance for us and I wished him well, I think reality hit him in the face. He changed then and really started putting an effort in. There was more phone calls (vs. texts, etc.) and offers of "let's do this" together. I'll be honest, I still only accept about every other one. The reason being: I now have a full life and as another poster put it, he lost his place in line and he's got to work himself into my schedule now.

 

Miniminx, please, please focus on letting him go. That helps make you stronger, happier and more able to make smart choices about your future - with or without him.

 

If he does come back, then there will be a greater balance of power and a better opportunity for your relationship to succeed because your feelings will be more in sync. (One partner won't care so much more than the other.)

 

If he doesn't, then you will have healed so much faster.

 

You have to be equals in a relationship and the only way to do it is for you to heal and move on. Then, if he comes back, you can meet him as an emotional peer. If not, my theory is that he'll bounce in and out of your life for as many times as you finally realize he's unreliable and quit taking him back.

[georgia girl]

By the way, and I have no right to say it, had he dated anyone or "hooked up" with anyone, the deal would have been done. He wouldn't have gotten a second chance.

 

Of course, with commitment phobes, we really don't have to worry. The last thing they want is another entanglement!

[mimiminx]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really feel that I need some professional help right now. I've been researching counselors in my area that specialize in relationships, grief, etc. I am truly truly depressed beyond belief. I can't sleep, and sleep in as late as I can because it feels better not to be awake. I've lost weight, have no appetite, and chain smoke. I don't find pleasure in the things I used to as much. I am in school full time and can't even focus in class. Being out around other people in a large group makes me really self-conscious and uncomfortable. I went out for the first time the other night with a friend to have a drink and it made me really uncomfortable that men were looking at me. (that was weird, I've never felt that way before). I can't get out of the anxiety I think about this all the time.

I do try to keep busy with school, work, friends. I love to exercise but have a hard time right now pulling myself together to do it, and since I don't eat very much lately I don't have the strength or energy. I normally do yoga 5 times a week but in the past month I have gone 4 times if that. It helps but at the end of the class, I end up crying. I talk about it constantly with friends and family who check in on me.

I just want to be happy again for myself and also so I have the strength to let him go. Right now, I am clinging to the past or what he was to me until he left. All our plans and dreams we made together have disappeared. I'm so incredibly hurt. I try to understand but i just can't.

My last relationship lasted over 4 years and it was horrible. I was so HAPPY to be out of it. I was brokenhearted for only a couple weeks. With this relationship, we had so much love and happiness I am completely devastated that it could just end. There were some rough patches here and there, but our love remained strong and grew over time. I cannot seem to get over this, having such a hard time letting go.