Over or not over?

[wondering_girl]

hi mimi - i'm sorry we're all going through this, ECM and mixitup i cried reading your posts......

 

my ex didn't come through for me as well, it's SUCH a HARD pill to swallow that after all this time they're so selfish, now i start to question did he even love me at all? or just loved being in a relationship ya know? i know everyone tells us time will heal i can't see the light now, but let's all stick together and look for that light someday...... it hurts to even wake up...... i can't wait for the day when it comes that i don't think about him anymore.

[westrock]

I got the answer I needed, now it's time for me to move forward. ...... I've done everything I could. At least I can say that.

 

Hugs to you Mimi. You handled the call in a very mature manner. I give him some credit for being responsive and willing to discuss it with you.

 

I'm sorry he chose not to work things out as you would have liked. It truly is his loss and he will regret it.

 

Just as you have the right to want to work on things and work things out, he also has the right to not want to work on things. As mature adults, we have to respect people's right to choose, no matter how much it stings when their choice is not what we were hoping.

 

It's important that you have reached the stage where you can say you have done everything you could. If it were any other way, you would constantly regret that maybe if you did this or that things would be different. As sad as things are, you can truly walk away with your head high, knowing you've done everything you can.

 

Although you may not see it at the moment, the events of recent weeks have been a blessing in disguise for you in that they have brought into focus your own abandonment issues. Some people go a whole lifetime without that gift.

 

TaraMaiden's advice is right on. Sometimes people do realise the gravity of the situation and then finally step up, so I don't know what the future holds with you and your ex, but one thing you should do at this time is to just quietly let go and go into NC and focus on yourself for the next while. I don't think you need to say anything more to him at this time -- that doesn't mean you have to slam the door shut, just go quiet on him and stay quiet. Not only does that help you, it helps him too. From your discussion he now knows clearly where you stand and what you want from him -- from now on forward anything less than a full commitment on his part is totally unacceptable to you.

[TaraMaiden]

...And here, I think we can comfortably say that we are all saying more or less the same thing.

 

How does that work for you, mimi, dearest?

 

More importantly, if we - and the friends you have actually SPOKEN to - are all advising the same thing - will you be able to follow through?

 

Really. Don't send him anything, any more.

It's utterly pointless.

 

From this moment on, drop it and go No Contact.

There truly is no more to be said.

[Exit]

You are like me mimi, you were unable to let go until you could say "I tried everything I could". Now you have, and it's time to let go with a clear conscience, knowing that you loved him enough to want to fix it, but he doesn't. Don't send him another email, then the cycle will start over.... wanting to know if he read it, wanting him to discuss it with you, STOP.

 

You are sentencing yourself to an emotional purgatory by still not being ready to say it's over. I understand what you're saying that he is leaving his answers unclear and maybe he'd want it in the future, but he could just very well lack the backbone to tell you to give up, or he's just keeping you close by in case something better doesn't come along.

 

17 pages of advice here. I think you've gotten some of the best, most focused advice anyone has gotten here. Other people are hurting just as much but not too many other threads around here have ever been 17 pages long. I think many of the people who tried to help you will be disappointed if you keep this process going.

 

But nobody can help you but yourself, I know that first-hand. I did everything MY way when dealing with my ex, instead of listening to people. And now that the flood of emotions is gone and I'm thinking logically, I regret it.

 

Deep down you know sending that email will not be the end, it's the exact opposite, it's creating another reason to stay in this cycle of wanting to talk to him about things. Think with your head and not your heart, if someone loved you they would commit to fixing whatever problems there may be. This guy is offering you nothing.

[northstar1]

You are like me mimi, you were unable to let go until you could say "I tried everything I could". Now you have, and it's time to let go with a clear conscience, knowing that you loved him enough to want to fix it, but he doesn't. Don't send him another email, then the cycle will start over.... wanting to know if he read it, wanting him to discuss it with you, STOP.

 

You are sentencing yourself to an emotional purgatory by still not being ready to say it's over. I understand what you're saying that he is leaving his answers unclear and maybe he'd want it in the future, but he could just very well lack the backbone to tell you to give up, or he's just keeping you close by in case something better doesn't come along.

 

17 pages of advice here. I think you've gotten some of the best, most focused advice anyone has gotten here. Other people are hurting just as much but not too many other threads around here have ever been 17 pages long. I think many of the people who tried to help you will be disappointed if you keep this process going.

 

But nobody can help you but yourself, I know that first-hand. I did everything MY way when dealing with my ex, instead of listening to people. And now that the flood of emotions is gone and I'm thinking logically, I regret it.

 

Deep down you know sending that email will not be the end, it's the exact opposite, it's creating another reason to stay in this cycle of wanting to talk to him about things. Think with your head and not your heart, if someone loved you they would commit to fixing whatever problems there may be. This guy is offering you nothing.

 

Well said Exit. You've come a long way the past few weeks.

[mimiminx]

Thank you everyone. This will be brief as I feel too much burden and heartache to even write much.

There is nothing left for me to do or say with him at this point. I was debating to send that email explaining "quietly letting go", debating letting him know that I am getting off his phone plan, debating responding to the "loose ends". He has some mail here but I'm just going to toss it and not even mention it. I have some of his belongings, but will give them to his friend. I am going to change my phone plan in the middle of the month, and not give warning. I am most likely going to deactivate my FB account for awhile too so I can no longer receive notices and messages from him. He asked for my address, said he was sending me something last night, then this morning emailed me and said he was going to send me some money through paypal, to check to see if i could access his account with his password, so i could receive the money. Another reason he finds to continue contact with me.

I can guarantee that he will persist, eventually will probably give up when I'm not responsive to his all words no actions. When he can't contact me one way, he'll be damned trying to get a hold of me in any way he can. But he'll let up since he doesn't really love me anyway. If he loved me truly, he would want to be together and do whatever it takes to make it happen. That just ain't the case now and maybe ever.

For almost 2 months now, I have let him still have the emotional connection with me, and he doesn't get ANY connection with me anymore after last night. I think he hasn't suffered the real loss of me, and he will now. If he's true to what he said last night, he will let up. If not, he will act otherwise. But any words he says, things he does, things friends say, MEAN NOTHING. They are words and that's all. When it came down to ACTION, he's not following through. Still don't understand.

What really hurts me is that he would like the possibility of being with me in the future, but is not willing to make that happen now.. if we came back together, nothing would be different. So, us coming back together is very unlikely to me as it stands now.

After talking to my friends last night, they put it to me in the way that some of you have; that he's not afraid of losing me because he knows I'm "there", that I WOULD take him back. He hasn't been faced with the real fear of losing me yet. Now he will.

I do think the best thing for me to do is quietly slip away now and let it be.

I don't need to say or do anything more. I've done enough.

[mimiminx]

Woke up to another day feeling a great loss. I am letting everything sink in, and will see my therapist on Wednesday. I'm not doing or saying anything in the meantime that has to do with him. I am really sad that he walked away and refuses to do anything. But it's a relief for me not to be trying anymore. I'm happy in a way that the limbo I put myself through is over. It's time for the next step. It's very hard to make the emotional separation from him, but I know I have to now and I will.

I regret falling into the idea of him wanting us to get back together... he was giving me a lot of signs that made me believe that. But he doesn't have the b**ls to actually do it... he lost his love for me I guess. I think I handled everything maturely, but if I could I would take back the emotional phone calls I had with him in the first month. I do definitely see the benefit of NC for the first month or two, and I wish I would have done that. I only contacted him maybe twice this entire 2 months, he initiated everything, which was ALOT.

Since he's not willing to commit to anything, I expect him to ease off and leave me alone. I will ignore all his attempts that are shallow and just breadcrumbs.. I am so definitely worth more than that. WHY would I want a man who doesn't really want me anymore? How sad...We really don't have anything to talk about. We're not at a friendly level with eachother, we both still have feelings for each other, that I do know.

What TaraMaiden said about he's hoping to keep a foot in both camps.. crushes me, and it's true. I'm definitely worth more than that, and if he's a real man he will know that too. That is why he may have no more access to my life right now.

I am confident that if the love is true, then it will come back together, if not, then it wasn't true to begin with. I know that. I can move forward now. I will still love him, it may lessen in time. I don't know. But now, I have the memories, I would like to leave it as it was. It is in the past.. it was a wonderful time in my life.. the happiest I've ever been. And the happiest he's ever been too.. people who know him have told me that... they had never seen him as happy as he was with me.

Just 6 months ago, he asked me to marry him.. we told our friends and family, he bought me a beautiful ring in the meantime until he could afford an engagement ring. Recently, we had talked seriously about having children in the next couple years also. We wanted that together.. it was honest and real.. at the time I guess.

And to think that now he's putting me aside, I'm not that important to him anymore.. it really hurts more than anything.

I always had a lot of respect and admiration for him, he was my knight in shining armor, he was courageous and strong. I put him on a pedestal because he was madly in love with me and showed it.. always loyal, always there for me, always made me feel safe and loved. What a great loss...

I know there are plenty of fish in the sea though, when I'm ready.

It makes me very sad that he could risk losing me when he always told me and STILL has told me that what we have is very rare... we are lucky.

We were lovebirds...it was the most romantic relationship ever. Everywhere I look I still think of him and what we had.

Now I have to accept that as the past. It is no longer. His feelings for me have changed.. if he was still in love with me, he wouldn't be away from me. I can accept that as much as it hurts. In a matter of 6 months, we went from being madly in love and planning to be married to broken up. No one saw it coming, everyone has been blindsided by this...

What makes me most angry is that he would even entertain the idea of us coming back together..his friends say they can definitely see him trying to start something up with me when he returns in November. Maybe.. maybe not. I don't know if that will happen. For now, I am quietly letting go, staying quiet. Disappearing from his life for a time... I will see him again.. we will talk in the future...I know the best things for me to do now and I will do it... I will follow through. I haven't had enough self-respect, I regret that. I made some poor decisions due to heartbreak, but I was honest. I didn't do anything crazy although I thought about it...I never did. But now I am done pursuing anything with him.. I give up.

Anything more he throws at me.. phone calls, emails, sending me mail, will mean nothing to me. Words are empty. I clung to the words too much...I clung to his being so hung up on me that he was constantly contacting me in some form or another, and hearing from his friends how much he misses me and loves me still. He is intent on keeping a connection with me... now he won't have it. He hasn't felt the emotional loss of me...because he still has access to me and my life. He won't now. I'm closing down business.

It's necessary and painful at the same time.

I'm going to grieve, I definitely need some time to get stronger. But now I feel a shift, a change inside me.. I am taking back the power I gave him. It's about time I did. I regret not doing it sooner.

[Mixitup123]

Hi mimi. Hang in there girl. I was the same with my ex, even though we only broke up 3 weeks ago, nearly 4, but about 5 weeks ago we were together talking about the future, telling me he love me, that he wants all the things I want, but you know he never actually followed though with any off them. My relationship has been a nightmare (thinking back) for the last 2 years really of our relationship. I know what you mean, it is disbelieve, isn't it, that 1 minute you're talking like that, next minute it is over and..well..that's it..it's over! I'm not surprised out brains can't quite catch up, or would that be our hearts. Have you deleted your fb account yet? I am thinking of either coming off too, or blocking him, as I find myself looking at any new friends he has put on there, I can't seem to help myself, and if it's girl, wondering who the f**k she is! and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach of the thought, but I am doing it to myself now, hurting myself by doing that..it's only a website..but it's a form of still communicating and hanging on, and it is just a way of bringing you down too. Yes you are so right now to be looking at it the way you are, and seeing that if he really did LOVE you, like he keeps saying, then why the hell is he treating you this way and not being with you. Keep thinking that way..because as sad as it is..it's the truth. Take care.

[TaraMaiden]

(. . .)What makes me most angry is that he would even entertain the idea of us coming back together..his friends say they can definitely see him trying to start something up with me when he returns in November. Maybe.. maybe not. I don't know if that will happen.

 

 

If you can show resolve, determination, strength and will-power from now until then, there is much less of a chance that you will be this vulnerable and susceptible to his charms....I know how hard it's going to be, because you are the one implementing the complete change in pattern, and he's going to be doing his absolute level best to reel you in and play you on the line.....

But if you are strong, and you do, indeed as you say, 'take back your power. he's going to come face to face with a mimi he never knew existed.

One who can resist, and see through him.

he won't know where to put himself.

 

 

(. . .) But now I feel a shift, a change inside me.. I am taking back the power I gave him. It's about time I did. I regret not doing it sooner.

And doesn't it feel strangely wonderful? isn't it great to catch a glimpse of your potential, and know it can only get better?

Look, be warned.

You may lose sight of it sometimes.

you may do an about-turn and again, begin to question your decisions.

But if you do - come back here.

Read this thread.

it's an extraordinary account of a journey you're taking, and I for one, am delighted to be on it with you, albeit in a microscopic way....

This shift is real.

It's real, because it's you, and you are the one thing you can really count on, right now.

You have for far too long, been only a section of the 'you' that you actually are.

You've been living in the shadow of an empty promise, and basking in the light of someone who glowed like the sun, but in essence, was just a big ball of gas.....bright, but insubstantial....

 

Be your own light, mimi dearest.

Make it on your own.

Show him that with him you were nothing, but with you, you are everything.

And he's lost that.

All the 'you' that he could have had, has been reclaimed by its rightful owner.

He has no access any more.

He had his chance, and he blew it.

Let him come to this realisation, and let him come to terms with his loss.

Because what is past, cannot be reclaimed.

It's gone.

The shift has started, and the balance is weighed in your favour, now.

 

You go girl!

[mimiminx]

Thank you Tara. Thank you so much! I don't know where I would have been without such support from you-

I really appreciate everything you said. I feel like I've come from being a puddle of tears on the floor to the strong woman I really am and I always knew I was. I feel a sense of peace, acceptance, and understanding now.

I know I will be alright.

[mimiminx]

Yesterday I moved into a new place.. the place where we would be moving together, except now I have roommates. It feels incredibly empty. For some reason last night felt more lonely than any other night. I cannot get over this...

This morning, I went through a drive-through coffee shop in my neighborhood.. the woman who works there is the sweetest person..I have known her for 5 years just from getting coffee there for so long. She knows R and used to see us together all the time getting our coffees before work. She asked how I was doing, what's new, I said I was moving. She asked where "We" were moving...when I said it was just me she asked what about R? Are you guys still together? I told her no, and I started getting teary... She asked why and I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said I really don't know..(of course I have some ideas but still..it really is a shame that we split)- I told her he went to Portland but he's coming back to CA soon, we've been talking. She said maybe he just got scared... I agreed that was part of it. She sincerely said I hope you guys come back together. I started crying!!!!! It makes it so much harder when EVERYONE who knows us, even his own friends say I hope you guys get back together!!! I am crying now. I can't stop hurting!!! Even my LANDLORD said the other day over the phone, "say hello to your boyfriend for me, I forgot his name, what was it?.." and I said he had left, thank you though and she was so sorry, "oh.. he was such a nice guy".. I'm thinking, yeah he was. he wasn't nice to leave me though.

Last night I was writing in my journal, and I was writing that I can't stand the heartache anymore, I don't want to hurt any more than I already have. I'm not going to talk to him now for awhile.. I'm giving myself a month or more until I do or not I guess. I really need to let go, but I feel like I'm fooling myself if I do... I put on the ring he gave me yesterday.. I hadn't even looked at it for 2 months. It won't fit on any other finger except the ring finger of my left hand. I was wearing his shirt the other day too.. I feel like such an idiot!!! I wish I could just turn off my feelings for him and move on. There are times that I get angry, but ultimately I am sad. I try to remind myself WHY I should be angry, and I tell myself things like:

He's a coward.. he left me a Dear John letter... he drinks too much anyway.. he's not that great..he's keeping me on the hook and keeping me as an option.. he doesn't really love me, etc. Those things make me feel stronger but the feeling is fleeting. There was so much more positive than negative. Unfortunately, he clearly feels differently otherwise we'd still be together, right?

Just having a very hard time in the past day or two. I have ups and downs. It helps to write and get support. My new focus is getting myself healthy again. Start back in to my exercise routine, eat regularly, treating myself to a pedicure and massage, etc. I need to feel better about myself.

Here's a new dilemma: In my efforts to disconnect with him and cut the ties, I must get my own phone plan. Here's the catch: I have to notify him so HE can access his account to disable my line. I cannot do this as it is in his name and he must be the one authorizing it. So I will have to contact him about that. He has also recently sent me some money and asked me to let him know when I have received it (its $500)- guilt I guess. I really don't want his money but he insists on sending it to me, so that's fine, I'll take it. So I will have to contact him about those things but that will be all.

Also, his 30th birthday is on October 11. I am going to plan something in advance for that weekend, maybe even go out of town if I can. That's going to be such a hard day for me.. SUCH A HARD DAY. I would like to tell him happy birthday but I guess that's not a good idea, right?

I have a lot to focus on right now for myself, the best thing is for me to stay busy and take care of my health.

I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like my life went from having a purpose to having nothing. I didn't realize how much of my life he affected.. we used to always have meals together.. we would always cook at home, it was a ritual.. it was a bonding experience. Since he left, I haven't cooked a damn thing. Nothing. When I met him, I didn't cook much at all, but once we started dating, he asked me if I would learn to cook this and that, things he liked, he bought me cookbooks and kitchen things so i had everything I needed. He bragged to people how I didn't know how to cook when he met me, but now I make all these things and it's so great, etc. This is stupid and foolish, but he brought out the best parts of me... I became a woman.. I went from a girl to a woman, not because of him but his love was a main factor in that transition. He brought out the nurturer in me. And when I needed him for support and understanding, and comfort, he was ALWAYS there. He always listened. He always made me feel safe and protected.. he taught me what love really is. I can say that for certain. He taught me what it means to love and be loved, to have a meaningful relationship with respect, trust, friendship,and loyalty.

I always want to remember him in this light, nothing bad, no hard feelings. That's why I will end things with him while things are "good". It's very hard to let go. Very hard but necessary. Wish there was a switch I could flip to stop loving him. It would be much easier to let go.

[Exit]

Well it sucks that people keep asking you about him but now that you've told them the news hopefully they will be smart enough not to talk about it anymore. Last time I went to the dentist the girl who was working on me asked if my "girlfriend" had finished dental hygiene school yet and I just went along with it and said "yes" instead of talking about the breakup.

 

Thinking in terms of "I will wait a month or more until I do or don't talk to him" is the wrong mindset. You are still keeping yourself tied to him with the idea of possible contact some day in the future. People going through a breakup seem to get into this type of mindset to regain a sense of control "a month from now I will do this, two months from now I will do that". It's an attempt to feel less scared or uncertain about your future, but it is also sabotaging your recovery process. A month from now is a month from now, why waste TODAY's energy worrying about what you will do at that point. Live in the moment, live in the now, don't waste any more time thinking about the past and certainly don't worry about the future. Take it one step at a time. You aren't going to contact him today and that's all that matters.

 

I wouldn't contact him on his birthday but that's up to you. And as far as canceling the phone contract, just make the conversation as brief as possible, it's a business transaction and not a personal conversation. It only takes a brief message to ask him to contact the provider and cancel your line from the plan.

 

Now that the contact has stopped, your healing has only just begun. You need to give yourself time to reboot. A few weeks ago, I would have argued anyone to the death that I loved my ex more than anyone else loved theirs, that mine was worth waiting for and fighting for, and that I would never stop. But now that I've had nothing to do with her for a few weeks, I feel a lot better, and I can certainly live without her. You need to give yourself the time for all the hormones and stress chemical to wear off and really think about things with a clear mind. It's almost like you forget why you're chasing someone, you're just used to doing it every day, it has become the routine. Once you break the routine and start finding other joys in your life, you might wonder what the hell you were doing in the first place.

 

Getting in shape is one of the BEST things you can do on so many levels. It'll take your mind off things, give you something else to focus on, increase your self worth, release chemicals in your body that make you feel good, etc etc etc. Stick with it! Working out and eating healthy has helped my healing a lot.

[Mixitup123]

It's almost like you forget why you're chasing someone, you're just used to doing it every day, it has become the routine.

 

So true..

[mimiminx]

Great. Today sucks. A mutual friend of ours just told me that my ex said to him the other night that not a day or night goes by that he doesn't think about me and want to hold me. His actions are certainly not saying that.

Awesome.

His friend also said that he is definitely on the fence about his decision...

Well then WTF?!!!

This man is a nut job. He is going to lose me, he's in the process of losing me every day.. he's still in my heart of course.. obviously I'm still in his.

His friend said that as long as he's not afraid of losing me (which he hasn't been until now), he has nothing to lose by biding time, hemming and hawing on the fence.

I know I need to move on with my life and go NC anyway for my own good, definitely not in the hopes that he will come to his senses and come back to me.. that would be a HUGE mistake for me to think that, and I'm really not going with that mindset. I have no choice but to move on with my life and end things with him.. because he chose to set me free..he chose this. Now I have made a choice: I am going to be free.. free of him, I only have myself.

I guess I shouldn't be talking to mutual friends about it.. everyone wants to see us together, so they're communicating with both of us I guess.

 

The constant reminders are a killer...

maybe I should go NC with our mutual friends too

 

Jesus Christ, he just called me. I didn't answer of course, he wants to know if I have received the money he transferred to me, which I haven't. God, is it really necessary for him to continue these ties with me? The friggin money isn't important! Why doesn't he just leave me alone?!!

[Mixitup123]

I can tell you are hoping for a miricle..for him to knock at your door and say "i want you back"..i don't know him or you,so maybe he will do that..but maybe he won't..at this point it is not about him..it's about you..and whether you want him still, after all this. I think it probably makes you feel somewhat better to hear from him? puts a little smile on your face, i can imagine it does. But his contacts have no meaning, do they, so tell him to stop if you want to cut all ties, just tell him..tell him to stop calling you or contacting you, and be firm. Tell him if he wants to be with you to let you know now, once and for all..or to just let you be and leave you alone. I don't understand men..i think they just get scared, and then keep questionning themselves, but we can't be there for days, months on end until they finally realise what they have in us..can we!....no we can't.

[TaraMaiden]

Focus, mimi.

Focus on that power....

I know you lose sight of it sometimes, but Exit is bang on.... you're still keeping an eye out on when you'll next connect.

 

Listen very carefully:

 

It's over.

There is never going to be a next time.

 

Any contact he makes from now on, is wind through the shutters..... irritating and whiny.....

He's not part of your 'life from now on', any more.

You need to stop clinging to Hope, because it sounds awfully like despair.... and it's time to shed the shackles.

 

Try to understand - when you break a plate, it's not a gradual process.

Sticking it back together is hopeless, because you can never ever have it the way it was before.

And you can't throw it away, little bit, by little bit.

There's no point.

Mimi, it's all or nothing.

 

Stop answering people's questions:

"We've broken up. It's very painful, and do you mind please, if we stop talking about it, right now?"

Tell your friends - you don't want to hear a single word about what he does, what he says, who he says it to, when, why, how, where, whatever!

 

Think woman!!

Stop and think -

If he really meant it - who would he be saying it to???

He wouldn't be contacting you about money!

Trivia, crap and line-playing, honey!!

 

If you're going to cut him off - you have to cut him off every which way! That includes word-of-mouth reports from friends.

Cut them off before they even have time to say his name.

"I know you mean well, but it's over, please stop now.....He's out of my life! It's over! But if you keep talking about him, you keep bringing him back into my life, and right now, I can't have him there!"

 

If they keep persisting, there's nothing wrong with a bit of Body Language emphasis.

Like, fingers in your ears, turning round, or even walking out.

I've done it.

I'm glad to say it didn't lose me the friend, but she sure as hell got the message......

 

Come on mimi....Power's up......!!

[seoa]

I'm going to go slightly different with the advice... all I can say is, this worked for me, back in the days of 48-hour cry-athons... It may or may not work for you...

 

I told myself that I was holding out for 30 years of happiness, so if that meant I spend a month or two (well, it's been 3 now - I saw him last night having been NC for ages... will see where this goes...) being apart from him, then it was clearly necessary...

 

But - and you HAVE to hear this - I did that to intentionally help myself get over the heartbreak, because I couldn't guarantee he'd come to his sense... I marked my progress through the reduction in frequency & length of the crying (48-hours once or twice a week, to 24 hrs every fortnight, to where I'm at now, which is 5 mins, every now and then)...

 

I did it because I loved him - and I wanted to give him the space (without pressure) to figure out what he really wanted from life (me! obviously!), and sort out whether he was willing to deal with his issues...

 

I did it because I loved myself - and I wanted to get the relationship I deserved - which would be with a guy who doesn't have CP issues that colour everything...

 

Maybe the difference is that I never argued that we had to split up - his fear of being in a (any) relationship was just too strong - if we'd continued going out, things would have gone badly, and would not have been resolved - he needed to break-away to work it out for himself... It wasn't for me to fix...

 

You don't have to hate him to get over him... You just have to focus on other things... And it won't happen overnight, just aim for 20 minutes more each day (on average - some days will still be rubbish, but those days should start happening less often)...

 

Praise yourself for the progress you're making, and allow yourself occasional wallowing (so long as it's overall reducing in frequency)...

 

And keep working on those abandonment issues with your counsellor...

 

And use email for the business transactions - nothing wrong with an email 'haven't got the money yet, will email when i do, thanks' (nothing wrong with being polite - like you would be if your grandma gave you money)... Then don't reply to his 'conversational' response...

 

With every absence of contact, you are showing your love for him & for yourself...

 

Stay strong...

[mimiminx]

He won't stop!!! He called me twice two days ago.. the second time after midnight pulling out the sweet talk... ( I didn't answer but he left a message):

"Hey sug(ar), been trying to get a hold of you about the money... hope moving in is going ok, hope everything else is going ok too.. I can't wait to talk to you again... give me a call.. I love you... talk to you soon."

I have not had stable internet this week so I haven't even logged into my FB until today.. what do you know, he sends me a message today. "How are you doing? Blah, blah, blah."

I seriously considered responding, but I didn't. F**K THIS!!! I hate this.. his attempts to contact me are becoming more and more annoying..yes, I still get butterflies, but come on.. it's pathetic. He's desperately trying to get my attention.. he acts like he never broke my heart. I am cutting the ties here!!! Yes, that includes talking to his friends. He won't stop though. He'll thank me later for ignoring him, and I'll thank myself later too. He makes it hard for me to be strong sometimes, but then again it really F***ing pisses me off that he's being so selfish. If what he told me was true in our last conversation, why doesn't he leave me alone?!! I guess it will drop off in time. If he did come back, I'm not sure if I COULD take him back actually.. he'd have to walk through fire. And I don't think he's got it in him. I'm so sick of this..

Just ranting...

Edited October 4, 2009 by mimiminx

[Exit]

Sorry that he's doing that to you, but at least you're getting to the point where you see that you probably wouldn't even want him back now. This guy has issues.

[TaraMaiden]

mimi, you see?

You see how this is playing out?

 

He's like the three-year-old kid, tugging at his mother's skirt, until she stops seeing him as her precious, cute, smart, blue-eyed, curly, golden-haired little boy -

- and starts seeing him as a precocious, demanding, irritating, constantly-annoying little attention-grabber, who refuses to give her a moment's peace until she stops everything she's doing and gives him her full and undivided attention.

And then it's just to look at the worm he's brought in from the garden......

 

Tell me...

go on -

tell me the image doesn't fit......!!

 

Keep cutting him off....

Delete everything.

Respond to nothing.

 

And will you please stop checking FB?

Delete your account, or delete his off yours!

You have to deprive him of every possible way to contact you, bar emergencies.

You must CUT YOURSELF off from him too....

 

You have to do this, Mimi....or else you'll just end up with a whole pile of worms......

[GrayClouds]

You said

I am most likely going to deactivate my FB account for awhile too so I can no longer receive notices and messages from him.

But did

I have not had stable internet this week so I haven't even logged into my FB until today.. what do you know, he sends me a message today. "How are you doing? Blah, blah, blah."

You Said

I'm so sick of this..

Just ranting...

If your sick of it then stop playing the game.

But I suspect you wont becouse you are afraid you will really lose him. You are still keeping the door open and say your angry becouse he keeps walking in...

You do

What makes me most angry is that he would even entertain the idea of us coming back together..his friends say they can definitely see him trying to start something up with me when he returns in November. Maybe.. maybe not.

You said

Just ranting...

You should do

Stop ranting and do something. Delete facebook,do not accept money. get an new phone and new number (people do it all the time) and delete your email account and set up a new one (people do it all the time). I suspect you wont because then you will have less to rant about and will only be left your your feeling of loss. Which will happen sooner or later either way but right now your making sure its later. Keeping this drama up makes it feel more tragic and validates those feeling of unjustified loss. Validations of feelings are great but not at the expense of dealing with them, giving into them. living with them and rising above them.

 

I wish you well.

[TaraMaiden]

Harsh.

But spot-on.

 

You bin takin' lessons, GrayClouds....?

 

((Hugs))

[harmfulsweetz]

Can you not get someone else to ask him about the phone plan? And tell him you received the money?

[harmfulsweetz]

cut the mutual friends off if need be, but first explain that you can't hear a single word about him anymore, if he wanted you, he'd be with you, not passing messages like a child.

Delete him off every account, block him if necessary, it's time you took responsibility in this. You are allowing him to contact you by not taking control of the situation, by responding, by not cutting yourself off. One day, you'll come to see that by allowing in your life, even a little bit, you are allowing him to hurt you. People can stay in this limbo for months, years, because they choose to do it to themselves. It's nice to imagine you getting back together, finding reasons as to why you should keep in touch when there is actually no reason to. He WAS someone important in your life, but he CHOSE to leave it. That removes his importance, doesn't it? Unless you have children with the guy, there's absolutely nothing stopping you going total NC. You don't have to be the one who tells him you received the money, or about the phone plan, friends and family can do that. Accept that it's over, because it really is.

[GrayClouds]

Harsh.

But spot-on.

 

You bin takin' lessons, GrayClouds....?

 

((Hugs))

 

 

Those who can not do, teach...

 

in otherwords, do as I say not as I do:confused: