Over or not over?

[ecm]

Those who can not do, teach...

 

in otherwords, do as I say not as I do:confused:

 

Brilliant. So true. Sad, but true

[GrayClouds]

How are you doing mimininx?

[mimiminx]

eh... not so great. I will post more later, taking a break.

[CaliGuy]

Hang in there mimiminx.... it gets better, trust me.

[Butterfly5525]

I know you're probably going through a pretty rough time right now, but I just wanted to say that I hope you're doing okay.

[mimiminx]

Thank you everyone,

Well... I'm not doing great, but trying to feel better. It's been hard this past week, as it has all weeks actually. I HAVE deactivated my FB (I'm taking a break from it), I did call the phone company to simply transfer my service to my own name. Unfortunately, they would not let me access the account because it is in his name and he has to call with all his info (SS#). So I paid my half of the bill yesterday online and he immediately sent me an email.. (because he gets the confirmation email) that he was going to take care of the bill this month, that my next payment was not til November. He asked are you still going to keep the account? Let him know if I decide to go with something else in advance. Take care sugar" I replied back very business like through email and said that I spoke to ATT and they need him to call to transfer the service, please take care of that ASAP, before the middle of the month so I can get off his plan. I still have not received the money from PayPal. He responded again that the money should be in my account within a couple days, and he said call me and we can figure out the phone thing. I didn't. He called me a little later saying the same thing. He called AGAIN shortly after and said "call me when you're free, ok?" Then a text: "Are you talking to me? Yay or nay?" Silence.

He's making this so incredibly difficult. The last time we spoke on the phone was last Sunday, I posted about it. All last week, he contacted me in some way or another pretty much daily. We did exchange an email this past weekend. (don't scold me).. he was saying that he wants to keep a connection with me, he hopes that in the future we can build on what we have for something stronger. He said he loves and misses me, he's sad and lonely, but not to confuse that with regret. (nice, huh?)

I know what all of you are saying, cut everything off, change my number, change my email, get someone else to deal with the loose ends.. but I am not going to uproot and change my life because of him. I am going to keep my email. I am going to keep my phone number because everyone has it and I've had it for a long time. I've stopped FB, I'm getting off his phone plan. Those are the ties. He got really upset that I blocked him from FB, he was angry. I didn't block him, I just deactivated it so I could have a break!!!

I am the one cutting the ties, now he's panicking. He is desperately trying to maintain a connection with me.. now it's the phone thing that he's clinging to. He realizes what I'm doing and he's freaking out. Well, that was his choice.. I never wanted to do any of these things.

I'm trying to get better, get out of this emotionally draining state, and move forward.

I don't see a problem at all with me calmly communicating with him about 'business'. Today is the day.. I am going to tell him also that maybe we can talk when he comes back into town, until then I need some time and please respect me. Honestly, we WILL talk when he comes back... there's just no way around it, so if he's looking to rekindle something with me then.. I won't shun him, I won't pretend he doesn't exist. That's not where I'm at. I know many people have different scenarios but that's the way I'm handling mine. I'm cutting the ties, he's hanging on for dear life, and he's making it really hard for me to move on. Because he really doesn't want to lose me, that's why, but he made the choice to risk that. He's not letting go. I have to and I am now. He keeps dragging this out.. I'm tired of "ranting" and getting annoyed by his stupid attempts to keep me reeled into him.

He'll stop eventually, right? He's certainly not going to show up at my door and beg for me to take him back. That's the most unlikely scenario I could imagine.

To be completely honest Loveshack, I do want us to come back together in the future. I do. But I am still cutting ties, still trying to move on, and believe and accept that the past is over between us. Unfortunately, I don't think he values our love as much as I do, otherwise he wouldn't have left. Whatever he's going through is a battle between his head and his heart, and he's on his own for that. He is trying to make sure I don't forget him so he can come back and rekindle something with me. In the meantime, he's in Oregon and will probably become involved with someone else, I don't know.. and I won't really matter much anymore. All of this has made me so incredibly sad and hurt, it has broken me down.

After the phone plan is taken care of today, I assure and promise ALL OF YOU that I will no longer be responding to his trivial attempts. Because all he's doing is trying to get my attention and make sure I don't forget him. He's acting so immaturely..

That's my update.

[northstar1]

Thank you everyone,

Well... I'm not doing great, but trying to feel better. It's been hard this past week, as it has all weeks actually. I HAVE deactivated my FB (I'm taking a break from it), I did call the phone company to simply transfer my service to my own name. Unfortunately, they would not let me access the account because it is in his name and he has to call with all his info (SS#). So I paid my half of the bill yesterday online and he immediately sent me an email.. (because he gets the confirmation email) that he was going to take care of the bill this month, that my next payment was not til November. He asked are you still going to keep the account? Let him know if I decide to go with something else in advance. Take care sugar" I replied back very business like through email and said that I spoke to ATT and they need him to call to transfer the service, please take care of that ASAP, before the middle of the month so I can get off his plan. I still have not received the money from PayPal. He responded again that the money should be in my account within a couple days, and he said call me and we can figure out the phone thing. I didn't. He called me a little later saying the same thing. He called AGAIN shortly after and said "call me when you're free, ok?" Then a text: "Are you talking to me? Yay or nay?" Silence.

He's making this so incredibly difficult. The last time we spoke on the phone was last Sunday, I posted about it. All last week, he contacted me in some way or another pretty much daily. We did exchange an email this past weekend. (don't scold me).. he was saying that he wants to keep a connection with me, he hopes that in the future we can build on what we have for something stronger. He said he loves and misses me, he's sad and lonely, but not to confuse that with regret. (nice, huh?)

I know what all of you are saying, cut everything off, change my number, change my email, get someone else to deal with the loose ends.. but I am not going to uproot and change my life because of him. I am going to keep my email. I am going to keep my phone number because everyone has it and I've had it for a long time. I've stopped FB, I'm getting off his phone plan. Those are the ties. He got really upset that I blocked him from FB, he was angry. I didn't block him, I just deactivated it so I could have a break!!!

I am the one cutting the ties, now he's panicking. He is desperately trying to maintain a connection with me.. now it's the phone thing that he's clinging to. He realizes what I'm doing and he's freaking out. Well, that was his choice.. I never wanted to do any of these things.

I'm trying to get better, get out of this emotionally draining state, and move forward.

I don't see a problem at all with me calmly communicating with him about 'business'. Today is the day.. I am going to tell him also that maybe we can talk when he comes back into town, until then I need some time and please respect me. Honestly, we WILL talk when he comes back... there's just no way around it, so if he's looking to rekindle something with me then.. I won't shun him, I won't pretend he doesn't exist. That's not where I'm at. I know many people have different scenarios but that's the way I'm handling mine. I'm cutting the ties, he's hanging on for dear life, and he's making it really hard for me to move on. Because he really doesn't want to lose me, that's why, but he made the choice to risk that. He's not letting go. I have to and I am now. He keeps dragging this out.. I'm tired of "ranting" and getting annoyed by his stupid attempts to keep me reeled into him.

He'll stop eventually, right? He's certainly not going to show up at my door and beg for me to take him back. That's the most unlikely scenario I could imagine.

To be completely honest Loveshack, I do want us to come back together in the future. I do. But I am still cutting ties, still trying to move on, and believe and accept that the past is over between us. Unfortunately, I don't think he values our love as much as I do, otherwise he wouldn't have left. Whatever he's going through is a battle between his head and his heart, and he's on his own for that. He is trying to make sure I don't forget him so he can come back and rekindle something with me. In the meantime, he's in Oregon and will probably become involved with someone else, I don't know.. and I won't really matter much anymore. All of this has made me so incredibly sad and hurt, it has broken me down.

After the phone plan is taken care of today, I assure and promise ALL OF YOU that I will no longer be responding to his trivial attempts. Because all he's doing is trying to get my attention and make sure I don't forget him. He's acting so immaturely..

That's my update.

 

Good for you Mimi at taking some measure of control. Hang in there

 

However, already admitting and proclaiming that you "will see him when he gets back" is really akin to you say that you are still holding onto a small shred of hope that things will change when he's back.

 

So really, it's going to keep you in some sort of limbo.

 

Look, my ex and I broke up when she was living far away from me. It was hard to get over, it took months to finally let go. However, I also knew that she would return back to my city down the road. Did I worry about that? A little. But life went on, and I maintained NC and she apparently came back, but we never spoke again, even with her living back here. I cut her off from all forms of contact, mutual friends kept respectively silent. She became a stranger.

 

If I'd wanted to hang onto some small measure of hope, I'd have rationalized things by saying "We are broken up, but I'll see her again and who knows". I knew that would be self torture and a lack of self respect.

 

The power of whether you want to see him or not is up to you, and I suspect that at some level you don't want to fully cut him out of your life forever.

[mimiminx]

However, already admitting and proclaiming that you "will see him when he gets back" is really akin to you say that you are still holding onto a small shred of hope that things will change when he's back.The power of whether you want to see him or not is up to you, and I suspect that at some level you don't want to fully cut him out of your life forever.

 

I DON'T want to fully cut him out of my life forever. Thanks for sharing your story.. I know, we may be like strangers when he gets back.. it's a possibility and I am prepared for that.. our feelings may change. I am accepting that the past is over. But he says things to me like he wants to build on what we have for something stronger in the future?!! What's that about? Desperately trying to maintain a connection with me. ???

We WILL see eachother.. there is no way around that. We have so many mutual friends and in fact, I live with one of our mutual friends. There's no doubt we will see each other and talk again. I can't say what it will BE LIKE, that's uncertain. But for now, I'm moving on! He'll do his best to keep me hanging on, but I know that's keeping me in limbo. The past is over. We still love each other, and feelings don't die just like that. But in the meantime, I'm not EXPECTING anything from him, I'm just taking care of myself. I have to.

[CaliGuy]

Unfortunately, I don't think he values our love as much as I do, otherwise he wouldn't have left.

 

If you could narrow down to the exact point of every conversation I've had with someone on LS (and I get a LOT of PMs asking my opinion on this or that), this statement has always been the bottom line.

 

If someone TRULY loves you unconditionally, with all their heart, THEY DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM YOU. They don't need to go "find themselves". That's such a lame excuse to sow your wild oats.

 

People who really love you will CRAWL 1000 miles in broken glass to be with you. And they would certainly not let you go for fear someone else will snap you up.

 

I can't think of one istance where I truly loved someone that the thought of letting them go ever crossed my mind -- or the fact that I would step in front of a bullet to save them. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them and there was no way I would ever voluntarily let them go.

 

EVER.

 

Whatever he's going through is a battle between his head and his heart, and he's on his own for that.

 

Love and respect yourself and this becomes more clear. This is the bed he has made, let him lay in it. You didn't ask for this, he did. If he has regrets I say "Oh well! You should have thought about that before you left."

 

And I did promise you this, but I wanted to post it for everyone. I am sure some of you are aware of this verse. If you don't believe the Bible so be it, but you sure can't argue with how love is defined here:

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

[GrayClouds]

I know what all of you are saying, cut everything off, change my number, change my email, get someone else to deal with the loose ends.. but I am not going to uproot and change my life because of him. I am going to keep my email. I am going to keep my phone number because everyone has it and I've had it for a long time. I've stopped FB, I'm getting off his phone plan. Those are the ties. He got really upset that I blocked him from FB, he was angry. I didn't block him, I just deactivated it so I could have a break!!!

I am the one cutting the ties, now he's panicking. He is desperately trying to maintain a connection with me.. now it's the phone thing that he's clinging to. He realizes what I'm doing and he's freaking out. Well, that was his choice.. I never wanted to do any of these things.

I'm trying to get better, get out of this emotionally draining state, and move forward.

I don't see a problem at all with me calmly communicating with him about 'business'.

 

your getting there mimi. Just make sure your being honest with yourself, your head says you can be business like, but your heart is not there. That is ok but, you just dont need any more pain added to the process.

 

You said he was angry about the FB thing. And your correct why he is. Because it is the first time he saw real ramifications of his decision to leave you. He is angry because he wants it both ways, to have you and still leave you. Up until now he has been able to have both, with very little downside for him and a heap of pain for you. SELFISH, not behavior of someone who loves you.

 

I DON'T want to fully cut him out of my life forever.

All off the other NC suggestion would further notify him that you respect yourself to much to let him have it both ways. I suggest giving the idea of strict NC some more thoughts. Even if you do go strict NC you wont be cutting in out of your life, if he is interested in being with you, he will be, and at that point you will be strong enough to define your exact expectations he will have to follow if he deserves your company.

 

Keep up the hard work.

[TaraMaiden]

mimi, don't you realise you are acting with him, the way he is acting with you?

You are mirroring his behaviour, and in a way, keeping a foot in both camps. Just like he is.

You're playing with his nerves, in exactly the same way he's playing with yours.

You're doing what he's doing...

 

"Don't want to now, but I will later, and who knows?"

"I'll give you just enough so's you know I'm here, but not enough to get a grip on."

Don't want to, might tomorrow, then again, you know I love you, but I can't do this right now, but in the future....."

 

So -

If you really also want to have a foot in both camps, go ahead, knock yourself out, and rip yourself apart.

But if you really want to escape the spinning downward spiral that is this vicious circle - you are going to have to act waaaay out of what you feel like doing, and go cold turkey.

Period.

No ifs, buts or maybes. No- "not for now, but then later....."

because trust me - all you're doing now is putting it all on ice.

You're NOT moving forward and you're making no progress.

You're just dancing round the wheel, like you've always done, and like he's doing now.

Same old same old, just with different words.

Mimi - you either mean it - FULL STOP & END OF WHOLE SORRY SAGA - or you don't.

There really is no half-measure here.

Sorry hun, but it's all or nothing.

[CaliGuy]

mimi, don't you realise you are acting with him, the way he is acting with you?

You are mirroring his behaviour, and in a way, keeping a foot in both camps. Just like he is.

You're playing with his nerves, in exactly the same way he's playing with yours.

You're doing what he's doing...

 

"Don't want to now, but I will later, and who knows?"

"I'll give you just enough so's you know I'm here, but not enough to get a grip on."

Don't want to, might tomorrow, then again, you know I love you, but I can't do this right now, but in the future....."

 

So -

If you really also want to have a foot in both camps, go ahead, knock yourself out, and rip yourself apart.

But if you really want to escape the spinning downward spiral that is this vicious circle - you are going to have to act waaaay out of what you feel like doing, and go cold turkey.

Period.

No ifs, buts or maybes. No- "not for now, but then later....."

because trust me - all you're doing now is putting it all on ice.

You're NOT moving forward and you're making no progress.

You're just dancing round the wheel, like you've always done, and like he's doing now.

Same old same old, just with different words.

Mimi - you either mean it - FULL STOP & END OF WHOLE SORRY SAGA - or you don't.

There really is no half-measure here.

Sorry hun, but it's all or nothing.

 

Tara, thanks for the plug on my NC guide. I would like to see mimi implement it in her life -- but she's at the point I was when I came here to LS. Though I will admit my ex was not waivering like hers is, so I can understand completely why she is riding the fence.

 

She doesn't want to give up if he doesn't.

She will give up if he does.

 

He's riding the fence and now she is riding the fence. It's really scary to admit that it's done and over with -- and even hard to accept.

 

This is my long-winded way of saying I agree with you 100%. She needs to cut the cord if she is going to heal. It's really hard for her to see him objectively (ie: Pro/Con list) when she's still IN love with him.

 

It won't be until she hits the anger/acceptance phase I think she'll finally shut him out of her life. Doesn't matter if he's a great guy who she deeply loves, or that he says he's coming back.

 

The simple fact is, he walked away from someone he is supposed to love and love deeply. And my position on this is that if you truly love someone with all your being, you NEVER, EVER walk away from them.

 

Ever.

 

I don't care what the reason is. It would never be enough for me to accept. You quit on me, you give up me -- then you don't deserve me.

[mimiminx]

He asked to see me. Just got an email. ???????????????

[CaliGuy]

He asked to see me. Just got an email. ???????????????

 

Well, I don't recommend it coz I think it's just sex but it's up to you.

 

See him if it will give you closure or what not. Just don't expect much more.

 

I hope, for your sake, he's come to his senses but remember what he did. Don't be so quick to forgive and forget.

 

Actions, not words, are what you need to pay attention to.

[mimiminx]

I replied to him asking what would be the purpose of this visit? He responded, just to see you. Because I want to. Maybe just to feel things out. He said that he's not trying to make things more complicated, it's up to me. He wants to split the cost of a plane ticket, let him know what I think.

Yes, Caliguy.. sex is on his brain, I won't deny that.. but he's serious about this. This whole time, I was the one who was trying to meet halfway or talk to him in person. Now the tables have turned. I know I could see him and nothing would change, we'd still be in the same place. But honestly, the whole time I've been wanting this.. maybe it will be just for closure, but really.. closure it would not be.

What to do?! I go there and spend a few days with him, "feeling things out",he of course would have me stay with him but I can't. I have another friend who lives up there who I can stay with.. I can't stay with him!!!

I think I should say no.. as tempting as it is. But then again, a visit would mean a lot. I can't believe this is happening.

[TaraMaiden]

Look at what he said:

"It's just to see you. To feel things out"

 

(To 'feel things out'....? To feel if you really are slipping away from me, because I'll do all I can to keep you hanging in limbo for me, because that's where I want to keep you.... hanging by a thread......Biggest load of breadcrumbs ever....) What does he need to 'feel out'...exactly? What is there to feel out??

 

He's talking bull. he's saying things for himself, and not -

 

"Because I love you, and I never ever want to be apart from you, ever again, and I see how stupid i have been, and i know you are the only one for me, and I'll never let you go again."

 

Which is what you want to hear.

Which is what you desperately want him to say.

But he hasn't has he?

 

"You can only see me if it's to tell me that definitely and without hesitation or question, you want us to be together always and commit to me.

Otherwise there is no point."

 

Is what you reply.

The only thing you reply.

For your sake, it's the only thing you can reply.

Edited October 8, 2009 by TaraMaiden

[mimiminx]

 

He's talking bull. he's saying things for himself, and not -

 

"Because I love you, and I never ever want to be apart from you, ever again, and I see how stupid i have been, and i know you are the only one for me, and I'll never let you go again."

 

No, he hasn't said those things in the same way you put them, but he did tell me he loves me, he did say that he's been conflicted about all this, he straight out said that he doesn't want to let me go, he's never felt this way about anyone...(this was today)

 

But.. not enough. Not a full commitment. As far as "feeling things out", I take that 100% as meaning let's see if we can give this another go. Obviously the feelings are still there. That's what it says to me. Maybe I'm blind, but that's how I take it.

Tara, let's not put a blanket statement on him: not all men are selfish creatures out for their own good. He's not that kind of person.. I know him, he's acted selfish lately since our breakup, but overall he's the most selfless man I've ever met. To be cruel, conniving, and manipulative is not in his nature. Trust me.. I know him. Maybe I'll eat my words at some point, but I can say that his feelings are true here. He's not one to say things he doesn't feel. I'm going to defend him here: he is a very reserved person who when he says or does something, it's with complete integrity. He doesn't say things that aren't true. If he doesn't feel it, he won't say it.

I'm going to sleep on it, talk to some friends and my mother about it, will let him know about it.. so far, no flight booked.

Updates soon.

[icecreamland]

i reckon you should go, i know this is opposing everyone else, but you will regret it if you dont, and if you do, you will at least get clarification of whatever you need clarified!

 

if you really want him as a friend in the future, this would be you giving up if you said "no i cant come"

 

i think you should go, if its feasible and all, and at least you can look into his eyes and see how he actually feels, f*ck emails and phone calls.

 

just go with your gut! go or dont!

 

but whatever you do, just know you're being a good person and honest to yourself!

[TaraMaiden]

No, he hasn't said those things in the same way you put them, but he did tell me he loves me, he did say that he's been conflicted about all this, he straight out said that he doesn't want to let me go, he's never felt this way about anyone...(this was today)

 

But.. not enough. Not a full commitment. As far as "feeling things out", I take that 100% as meaning let's see if we can give this another go. Obviously the feelings are still there. That's what it says to me. Maybe I'm blind, but that's how I take it.

Tara, let's not put a blanket statement on him: not all men are selfish creatures out for their own good. He's not that kind of person.. I know him, he's acted selfish lately since our breakup, but overall he's the most selfless man I've ever met. To be cruel, conniving, and manipulative is not in his nature. Trust me.. I know him. Maybe I'll eat my words at some point, but I can say that his feelings are true here. He's not one to say things he doesn't feel. I'm going to defend him here: he is a very reserved person who when he says or does something, it's with complete integrity. He doesn't say things that aren't true. If he doesn't feel it, he won't say it.

I'm going to sleep on it, talk to some friends and my mother about it, will let him know about it.. so far, no flight booked.

Updates soon.

 

Mimi, there's no doubt you know him better than anyone. I'm not disagreeing with you.

But you previously thought an awful lot of things about him, that have turned out to be false hopes. Things you were once so sure about, and had dreams about, have turned out to be castles in the air....

I'm not saying he is being deliberately cruel conniving or manipulative.

You've made that clear.

But unconsciously, he is being manipulative, and he is trying to play this by all the old rules, when you have already quite clearly outlined what the problem was and what had to be done to solve it.

 

You tried to suggest a new way of looking at things and you waited a long time for his response, after thought.... only for him to come back and say - I don't think this is going to work.

But now, he's trying to hook up with you again - on his old terms.

 

Ok.

Well if that's what you want, do it.

 

But have your eyes wide open, honey, because while you are desperately and valiantly trying to move on with this, he is patently hell-bent on staying with things exactly as they were. And keeping you there with him.

[harmfulsweetz]

He certainly has you on a yo-yo. Yes, he may love you, deep down, he may not be selfish, he may mean every sentiment he has uttered. The key word is may.

I've been following this for some time now, and every time you get close to a breakthrough into reality, he pulls you back into limbo. Or maybe you pull yourself back in? I'm not sure it's all him at this moment in time, you are both as bad as the other. You want to move but still want to cling to hope, he doesn't want to be with you, but doesn't particularly want you to move on.

He is manipulative, that is what he is doing with you. If he wasn't, he would be straight up about what he wants out of this, and let you go. He wants it all.

He can say all the right things, but he is not backing them up with actions. You say he is in conflict with himself over this, if he loves you, 100% loves you, he wouldn't be in conflict. He would be with you, working through your problems, not somewhere else, trying to work out whether he wants you or not. Can you wait until he finally realises what he wants, bearing in mind, you may not figure in his plans? You've wasted a lot of time on him already, isn't it time to put this to bed?

[harmfulsweetz]

mimi, don't you realise you are acting with him, the way he is acting with you?

You are mirroring his behaviour, and in a way, keeping a foot in both camps. Just like he is.

You're playing with his nerves, in exactly the same way he's playing with yours.

You're doing what he's doing...

 

"Don't want to now, but I will later, and who knows?"

"I'll give you just enough so's you know I'm here, but not enough to get a grip on."

Don't want to, might tomorrow, then again, you know I love you, but I can't do this right now, but in the future....."

 

So -

If you really also want to have a foot in both camps, go ahead, knock yourself out, and rip yourself apart.

But if you really want to escape the spinning downward spiral that is this vicious circle - you are going to have to act waaaay out of what you feel like doing, and go cold turkey.

Period.

No ifs, buts or maybes. No- "not for now, but then later....."

because trust me - all you're doing now is putting it all on ice.

You're NOT moving forward and you're making no progress.

You're just dancing round the wheel, like you've always done, and like he's doing now.

Same old same old, just with different words.

Mimi - you either mean it - FULL STOP & END OF WHOLE SORRY SAGA - or you don't.

There really is no half-measure here.

Sorry hun, but it's all or nothing.

Agreed.

 

If it were me, I'd give him an ultimatum-you either want me now, and be with me, or you bugger off, and never contact me again. You do have to do what is right for you, whatever that is, but sometimes it's best (not easiest) to let things go that cause us pain, I think him such a coward as to do it all again when the going gets tough. Time to wake up and smell the coffee, mimi. I get it, you love him, but does that make up for everything he has put you through?

You never know where you stand with him, you say you expect nothing from him and hope for nothing from him, but I don't see that. I see someone very much hoping he comes back and sorts it all out, who perhaps expects him to. He may never do this. I get the whole break thing, but during these times, people don't often move to another state to get away.

[mimiminx]

He called me tonight, after he sent the email. And a lot was said. He's paying for my ticket. He wants to talk to me in person. I straight out told him it's pointless for me to come up there, spend a few days talking to him and then go home and we're still broken up. He said that is absolutely not his intention. He said that he wants to see me face to face. He said we didn't end things properly.. there were too many things unsaid. He said that he made his decision when he left, and he's been struggling with it since. He thought that maybe we would both get over it and move on but he hasn't and doesn't want to. He got all choked up about it when he was trying to ask me if I had been with anyone else... he said it was pointless for me to come there if I had. I said the same to him. And so, the answer is I'm going up there.

We talked for a long time... about the things that were making us both unhappy before. I asked him what his intentions were asking me to come... he said that he had no ulterior intentions.. he wants to talk to me... well he wants to do more than talk to me, as he wants me to stay as long as possible. He's already looked into all the flights. I was surprised he had already done that. Gave me some dates to look at, and to let him know.. he's clearing his schedule for me. His parents have a beach house on the coast of Oregon that is their second home and he said that maybe we could stay there and have some privacy. He wants it to be just us. I asked why don't you come here? He said because he doesn't want to involve anyone else... he wants to talk to ME. ( I live with roommates, all his friends are here in CA and they'd want to see him) He wants to devote the entire time to me.

I told him that he really hurt me.. it would take a lot for me to trust him again, and that's the truth. But he might die trying to earn that back. He knows that if he looked me in the eye, the real feelings would be revealed. I've been wanting this for 2 months. We're on the same page with that now. I will go into this with "eyes wide open" and be very cautious.

I mentioned the fact that I go up there, and I leave.. he's still there.. he was quick to say that it wouldn't be much longer till he came back.

I asked if I had an out up there.. if things got bad.. and he laughed and said sure.. but things aren't going to be bad.

I am completely prepared for a crushing blow of reality by going to see him. But I cannot possibly be in for worse than the past 2 months without him has been. I'm willing to take that risk. If I don't I'd have regrets. He wants to leave the past in the past, take what we have now and build something stronger. He told me this. I will keep my guard up, and talk to him. What the hell do I have to lose? I've been wanting this whole time for us to come together and talk.

Harmfulsweetz, I cannot say that I've wasted time on him.. it's been worth it to me, and apparently that feeling is mutual. I also completely agree with you, be with me now commit 1000% to repairing this, or never speak to me again. I totally agree with that. And.. I know you've said this to me before, when the going gets tough.. he bailed once, he can bail again. That's something to consider and I have. IF we come back together, we will need counseling for sure..

It is definitely NOT OVER. Now, more than ever, it is not over. It never was.

I will be planning to go in the next week or so.

Yes, times before the false hopes were castles in the sand... but now? Not so much. All those castles in the sand are actually amounting to something. Actions are coinciding with the words....so far.

Edited October 8, 2009 by mimiminx

[harmfulsweetz]

You have surprisingly more to lose than what you think-if he changes his mind, what then? You're back exactly where you started. Being prepared for a crushing blow isn't the same as feeling a blow.

 

It is your choice, but if I were you, I'd request it on your turf, he visits you. Least then you have an escape if it goes pear shaped, and it would be on your terms, not his. The whole thing has been on his terms.

 

There's no guarantees this is what he wants, bear that in mind. He ran away, and acted for two months, like he didn't want you, then he did, then he didn't, and now he does. He could change his mind, prepare for that. I've no doubt you may regret not doing this, but then you may regret doing it. It's your choice, and your lookout, if it feels right, do it. You may think he means everything he says, and he may do, but I've read very little mention of him saying 'this is it, let's get back together.'

[GrayClouds]

To be cruel, conniving, and manipulative is not in his nature.

 

Yes but often those who tries so hard not to hurt the other when they are leaving them are exact that. He is trying really hard to align his self image of being a good guy that does not hurt people with the reality of this break-up hurting you.

 

So he is being the "Nice Guy" and trying to protect you from the hurt while at the same time pulling way. When guys are trying so hard to be "Nice" it is inherently conniving and manipulative because they are doing for themself not the other person. They may not be cognizant of their motivations but it about them feeling better, not you.

 

I suspect that is the reason "he because he doesn't want to involve anyone else... then he would really have to face the truth. It would be even harder for him to reconcile his "I am a good guy self image" if all of his friends got to see him inflicting the pain. If he wanted to get back together wouldn't he love to share it with your friends? I been to San Diego, there are hotels there you would not have to stay in your apartment. But by you going there he has control not you, are you not tired of giving up control to him?

 

If it is just you two, the weekend will be like this great emotional connection honeymoon, one that he will feel he is letting you down easy but in fact your hope will be building up. Then betting dollars to doughnuts, he will said "he just can't do it but I am glad we could end this so wel and remeber all the good we had...l" (exit left; mimi in puddles)

 

I truly hope I am wrong. But I think even you know I am probably not. Fact is all the things that made him doubt the relationship and causing the break-up is still there. You have not become a different person. No matter what he says, it is his doubts about you and him wanting to be with you, no matter how misguided, that made him want to leave.

 

Good luck.

[GrayClouds]

Fact is people on this site have tried harder to give you what you need, reinforced your worth and overall supported you then this guy.

 

Over 250 post full of thousands of words while is he could have done it with one action...showing up at your door and with only 9 words... "I love you and will be with you forever"

 

Love does not need to be this hard nor this complicated.