Over or not over?

[GrayClouds]

I wish you well. I hope the visit gives you everything you are wanting.

 

One thing to consider, what are the ramifications of the last two months. A healthy relationship is based on equality of power. What these month has done is, even subconsciously but probably not, shift the balance to one person. The person who walk out, left the other on a thread of hope, and then decided when it was convenient to get back together. This knowledge of control is a shift that is extremely difficult to give up once it has been defined.

 

It becomes a foundation that all other actions are built upon. Both parties now know the one who was hurt will show a high degree of tolerance to avoid the going back to that pain. Often leading to someone staying in a unhappy, fulfilling relationship for a long long time. This does not have to be the case but it require the one to show a great deal of self-esteem to overcome. Though it require challenging the bond of the realtionship at one of the most vulnerable time, the reunion. The time when you want to ignore any troubling issues but the time time before old patterns can reform.

 

I suggest you at least have a list of action that he has to compete if the relationship is to continue. The things you want from him; like his going to counseling to understand why he was willing to hurt you, no sex for first 2 months after the reunion, both going to counseling to learn to communicate better, the amount of time you want to spend together, time lines for the relationship, giving you access to his email, phone, ect. What ever things you need from him to give you security and confidence that his effort in making it work is equal to yours. The list needs to be specific and non-negotiable with inflexible time lines. This is not to punish but to gain equality back to the relationship. Not only is that important for you but paramount for the relationship to have long term success. If he agrees to these items and pursues them with passion, this action will confirm his words and your feelings. If he balks, tries to negotiate, gets angry, or dismisses them, it is time to close then door on him FOREVER. If that is the case you will have your closure and confidence in it.

 

I understand you have made your decision. I do want it to be a new beginning for you two. And I do believe it can be. An important step in that is gain back some of the control that you have taken from you over the last 2 months. It will be scary and difficult but important for you and your personal growth. This action will communicate your own self-worth and the seriousness of wanting a quality relationship to him. If he does indeed truly love he will see it as a gift and not a burden.

 

So my question to you what is going to be on that list?

Edited October 9, 2009 by GrayClouds

[georgia girl]

Mimi,

 

As the one person on this thread who has gotten back together with their ex (I think I'm the only), I still think this is a mistake. I can't get over the fact that he has all of the power. There is absolutely no parity in your relationship. He KNOWS you won't walk away. You've threatened to and then broke no contact. You get tough, then beg for him to realize what has been lost. He gets it - you're not going anywhere.

 

He also knows this is a big ask - having you come up there. He gets you for a finite amount of time and he can "test out" whether or not there should be a reconciliation. If it doesn't work out, you're leaving in a few days and he can finally move on and get over you.

 

I know you see this as a huge step forward. I wish you all of the very best and hope it is. But please hear me: you have to have parity in any relationship or it never works. Until your heart is ready to walk away and he can tell not just by actions or words but by your resolve, he hasn't lost a thing and he doesn't have to win you back.

 

I have been there. I have seen all of the sincere attempts which were only marginally sincere. I walked away and truly intended to never go back. That's when he finally shaped up. It wasn't about me holding him at any emotional distance or not contacting him, it was about my resolve. Had he asked me to go away, I would have replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

 

Regardless of what you think, it has to be his effort and his actions but your resolve. Go and have a wonderful time. Enjoy the week. But please don't expect it to change things. He packed up and moved hours away from you. He left an entire life behind and is building a new one where he is now, regardless of his single status. He wants you to visit him now but he's being very clear: no decision on a future.

 

Again, good luck. I think you're probably very annoyed with me and I'll stop harping. I hope against all hope it works out. I am so happy now that I want it for everyone as well. I just think there's an easy way (which doesn't "feel" like the easy way) and a hard way (which seems to be the easy way) and you've chosen the hard way.

 

I honestly wish the very, very best for you and your relationship.

[CaliGuy]

GC, you reminded me of something: "The person with the most power in a relationship is the one who cares about it the least."

 

In mimi's case, he has proven he cares about it less than her because he simply walked away. He has all the power, all the control and is using that to get her to do what HE wants (ie: make HER fly up there instead of him CHASING her -- which is how it SHOULD be).

[mimiminx]

I guess, being a guy, I just can't get past the one thing. If I had left a girl I truly loved and then realized it was a mistake and that I was at risk of losing her forever, I would have jumped on the first plane/train/bus back to her and kicked down her door and show her I was serious. Nothing else would matter, the cost, the inconveinence, the pride. Nothing.

I am highly confident that would have happened if I ceased communication with him. I was cutting the ties and putting the past behind, and he realized what he stood to lose, as he knew all along but was faced with head on. I can say most definitely that if I cut him out of my life, in a couple week's time, he'd be here banging on my door.

 

I am really GLAD that he has admitted these things. Let's see if his actions back his words. For your sake, I hope they do. I won't get excited for you until I see both his words and actions match completely. We'll see. If she's truly interested in finding out what he really wants, holding off on sex is the best way. I bet if she does hold back he will pout and get angry.Yup. He knows he doesn't really have to work hard at anything. He can just say a few words, wave the magic wand and things will be right back to normal.

 

Me too, I won't get excited until the actions match the words either. I agree, I have the power here with the sex. I do want to hold out on it, I really do. I don't think he will pout and get angry. I honestly believe that he will respect me and understand. He may not like it, but he doesn't get to have it by waving a magic wand and showering me with romance. He's got to work a lot harder than that. He was my boyfriend for over 2 years and had that intimacy with me, he can wait on it now.

 

I suggest you at least have a list of action that he has to compete if the relationship is to continue. The things you want from him; like his going to counseling to understand why he was willing to hurt you, no sex for first 2 months after the reunion, both going to counseling to learn to communicate better, the amount of time you want to spend together, time lines for the relationship, giving you access to his email, phone, ect. What ever things you need from him to give you security and confidence that his effort in making it work is equal to yours. The list needs to be specific and non-negotiable with inflexible time lines. This is not to punish but to gain equality back to the relationship. Not only is that important for you but paramount for the relationship to have long term success. If he agrees to these items and pursues them with passion, this action will confirm his words and your feelings. If he balks, tries to negotiate, gets angry, or dismisses them, it is time to close then door on him FOREVER. If that is the case you will have your closure and confidence in it.

 

I understand you have made your decision. I do want it to be a new beginning for you two. And I do believe it can be. An important step in that is gain back some of the control that you have taken from you over the last 2 months. It will be scary and difficult but important for you and your personal growth. This action will communicate your own self-worth and the seriousness of wanting a quality relationship to him. If he does indeed truly love he will see it as a gift and not a burden.

 

So my question to you what is going to be on that list?

 

I totally agree, and my girlfriend suggested the same thing about a list. The 2+ years we were together, I had access to phone, email, everything. There was no "power" he had over me, it was a very trusting and equal relationship. Yes, now that the power has shifted, I have also been put in a position in the high seat now. I hold the cards. I am working on that list, and if he can't amount to it and embrace it, then he's not serious enough about being with me. If all the things he's been saying to me are true, then you're right.. he will see it as a gift not a burden. If he doesn't agree to these things, then I know I won't settle for less.

 

You get tough, then beg for him to realize what has been lost. He gets it - you're not going anywhere.

 

He also knows this is a big ask - having you come up there. He gets you for a finite amount of time and he can "test out" whether or not there should be a reconciliation. If it doesn't work out, you're leaving in a few days and he can finally move on and get over you.

 

I know you see this as a huge step forward. I wish you all of the very best and hope it is. But please hear me: you have to have parity in any relationship or it never works. Until your heart is ready to walk away and he can tell not just by actions or words but by your resolve, he hasn't lost a thing and he doesn't have to win you back.

 

He wants you to visit him now but he's being very clear: no decision on a future.

 

Again, good luck. I think you're probably very annoyed with me and I'll stop harping.

 

Do I and did I beg him to realize what he stands to lose? I don't think so. I was firm in my decision to cut the ties and step away from the situation, put the past behind me.. preparing to be sad but knowing that it was the best thing I could do for myself. I didn't beg. I did in the first month! I admit that. But I came to a point that I said my peace, and felt great about being honest and telling him where I stood on things. He withheld and was wishy washy. So I turned and started walking the other way.. my heart was torn whether to stay in the same place or move forward, and I started moving forward.

No decision on a future... hmmm... I don't think that he's going to "test out" whether or not there is going to be a reconciliation.. I think he's already made up his mind that's what he wants. I understand his 'testing things out' because I FEEL THE SAME WAY. We are both on the same page with that one, actually. So, I feel there is an equality. I am not annoyed with you!! I have always appreciated your stories and advice.. every relationship is different with different issues. However, some things stand the same in all of them, and I respect your decisions and how you handled things with yours. Since you are one of the few to have a successful reconciliation, you are a great example!

 

Recap: I ultimately do hold the power here. It's a good feeling! I am working on that list, in the meantime I agree with Northstar also, that we don't need to be talking every day. He has consistently been the one to initiate the contact and is starting to come on very strong, understandably.. but I actually just this morning let him know that I think it's best that we not talk so often and get all hooked into the romance/lust/longing phase right now, because that is what is starting to happen. I can and will still keep my distance.

Thanks everyone!

Edited October 9, 2009 by mimiminx

[mimiminx]

Every day that goes by my fear of being hurt by him again is lessening... he is being incredibly sincere with me. He told me earlier that not one day went by in the past 2 months that he wasn't thinking about me. His love and feelings for me never lessened. He said that's why I was looking at your Facebook and posting messages, etc. all the time.. because I couldn't ever stop thinking about you. I wasn't being honest with you or myself when I told you no (about working things out, etc.)Every time I told you no, I was choking on the words... You hold the standard for all women. I would risk my life for you, I would die for you. No matter what, I want to be your man that you can always depend on for everything. I talk so much about you to my family and friends, they'd just listen and think, "blah, blah, blah- yeah, you know you're going to end up marrying her so shut up and stop fooling yourself". He said he's learned a lot, done a lot of thinking during this time.. the situation that led us to breaking up had to be changed, but he knows now that in the future, running away is never going to be the answer.. as he's realized that it's better for us to be together than apart, ever. He said all the little things that drive him crazy about me are worth it, because at the end of the day, we're together. He said he's happier with me than without me. And I agree... this whole time I've tried to hate him, tried to tell myself he's a bad guy, try to tell myself that I am better off without him.. but I felt a huge piece of me was empty. That is one true test of love that I've learned from this: If you are happier with each other than without, than it is worth hanging on to and doing everything possible to stay together and have a healthy relationship.

Now I feel like I have the life injected back into me... and he said he does too. He's also been miserable without me. He's happier now, he's making really great goals for himself that I am impressed by. I feel much stronger overall, especially in the last few weeks, but now more than ever...

I'm still heeding caution, we're both going into this with true intentions. He said to me that when I come up, it's not like everything will be back to normal.. well of course it won't be, it can't be immediately. He insists that we spend a lot of time talking and addressing things.... and that is his intention. He wants me to trust him.. to always trust him.. to never think he could ever hurt me again.

He asked in a roundabout way the other night, getting all choked up.. if I had been with anyone else, and I told him the truth which is NO. I dreaded asking the same thing, but I did... and he said no as well. I told him that if he had, I hope that he would be honest with me and to have respect for me by telling the truth.. (and if he had, I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again.. trust me on that). He said I'll be honest, I went out a few times with friends and talked to other girls, but no one compares to you. I wasn't interested in anyone, I wouldn't lie to you. I have to believe him, because he was calling me or contacting me pretty much daily, and I know from experience you can't be with anyone else if you're in love with someone. I was honest with him and said that I've been asked out a few times, I thought about dating other people..(eventually) but I never went through with anything. I couldn't and I didn't want to. He said he's been so miserable that he hasn't been able to properly "function" without me.

Anyway, just wanted to share this. I am very happy to have this second chance!! I knew in my heart of hearts that we would come back together... I couldn't ignore it. All this time, being apart felt wrong to me, and apparently it did for him too. He said he was wrong. Maybe it takes a breakup or separation to build a stronger relationship in some cases. I don't know.. we'll find out I guess. I know that the past 2 months happened for a reason. Everything does. That was my consolation all along: as heartbroken and devastated as I have been, I kept telling myself that this happened for a good reason, I wouldn't know why until later though.

I do believe he loves me very much. The love hasn't died at all. Apparently it never faded for both of us.

He did leave me. He did break my heart. But he was wrong in his decision, and he admits that openly. He said he was being stubborn, "being me". And it bit him in the ass obviously, he couldn't deny it anymore.

I'm on cloud nine. I know to be careful.. I know not to dive in head first or trust his words without the actions. But I think that only good could come from all this.. every day is getting better so far.

[CaliGuy]

Just remember, mimi. So far it's been:

 

He said...

He said...

He said...

He said...

 

I want to see every HE DID match every HE SAID. Until that happens, I would be CAUTIOUS.

 

The fact you say "I'm on cloud 9" means to me that you're already building your hopes up. I just want you to be prepared should something go wrong because, as I have learned myself, sometimes the SECOND disappointment is 100x worse than the first. That is because you have 100% invested in this second chance.

 

I want to see his actions back his words. That's all.

 

Again, nobody wants you to fail. We all just want you to go in eyes wide open -- thinking with your head and not your heart.

 

The heart lies. Your head won't lie to you.

 

Best of luck!!!!

[harmfulsweetz]

You're being careful but you're on cloud nine, assuming you are already back together. That to me is jumping the gun, and asking to fall flat on your face. I wouldn't speak with him until you see him (unless necessary) don't get your hopes up (though you already have). I still think that someone that runs at the first sign of trouble isn't someone worth being with. But meh, my opinion.

[mimiminx]

I'm having doubts.. and I think that if I didn't there would be something wrong with me. He wants me to trust him. I am putting so much of myself into doing this, I am so afraid of getting hurt. I know that fear of being hurt or abandoned can sometimes be stronger than love, and that's what I'm dealing with now. Love and fear cannot exist in the same place.

I want to cling to him right now to validate my feelings, but I know I can't. That was a huge problem in our relationship... I was very emotionally dependent with him sometimes. I want to ask him what his intentions are, but he already told me. I want to ask so many things, so I can feel better.. but I'm on my own here. It's hard. Today is his birthday. We talked earlier this morning. He's initiated a lot of contact in the last few days, even sent an incredibly long email the other night. I did tell him that I think it's best that we save most of the talking for when we see each other. He agreed and was very happy to hear me say that. But in the meantime, will do MY best to lay low.

We have about 10 days until we see each other. We're both hoping and wanting to start new. In the meantime, it's hard for me. Maybe it's best I really focus on myself.. and not depend on him to make me feel better. I made this mistake many times in our relationship and I honestly think that caused us to have problems and was part of what led to our split.

Right now, I just want to call him and hear him say "I love you, don't worry about things," Which is what I need. He has said this before, but I guess I need it now. I have to tell MYSELF those things instead of hearing it from him.

Hanging in there... it's not as if a magic wand has been waved and everything is back to normal. I know this.

Edited October 11, 2009 by mimiminx

[LexiB]

Just read through this entire thread. Going through a breakup right now myself...which as you can tell from my limited post count is pretty much the main reason I visit LS. The people here truly work wonders & the advice that has been dished out to you is time tested.

 

I sincerely hope your story plays hope the way you want it to. After all of the wise words that have been spoken here, all I have to say to you is Best of Luck hon!

[GrayClouds]

I'm having doubts.. and I think that if I didn't there would be something wrong with me. He wants me to trust him. I am putting so much of myself into doing this, I am so afraid of getting hurt. I know that fear of being hurt or abandoned can sometimes be stronger than love, and that's what I'm dealing with now. Love and fear cannot exist in the same place.

I want to cling to him right now to validate my feelings, but I know I can't. That was a huge problem in our relationship... I was very emotionally dependent with him sometimes. I want to ask him what his intentions are, but he already told me. I want to ask so many things, so I can feel better.. but I'm on my own here. It's hard. Today is his birthday. We talked earlier this morning. He's initiated a lot of contact in the last few days, even sent an incredibly long email the other night. I did tell him that I think it's best that we save most of the talking for when we see each other. He agreed and was very happy to hear me say that. But in the meantime, will do MY best to lay low.

We have about 10 days until we see each other. We're both hoping and wanting to start new. In the meantime, it's hard for me. Maybe it's best I really focus on myself.. and not depend on him to make me feel better. I made this mistake many times in our relationship and I honestly think that caused us to have problems and was part of what led to our split.

Right now, I just want to call him and hear him say "I love you, don't worry about things," Which is what I need. He has said this before, but I guess I need it now. I have to tell MYSELF those things instead of hearing it from him.

Hanging in there... it's not as if a magic wand has been waved and everything is back to normal. I know this.

Your feelings our undersandable, going there is really putting yourself out there. Just a thought, but could some of your need to be validated be a result of his behaviors. That possible his inablity to fully commit results in some natural buildup of insecurity in you. Things like how he minces words, leaving town rather then dealing with the issues right then and there. I am not trying to make him out to be a bad guy but your reactions may be a nature response to the environment of the relationship. Rather then blaming yourself totally, possible it is him you simple cant fulfill your need for a deeper level of emotional intimacy. Again Just something to think about. ( I suggested picking up the book "Dance of Intimacy", it will give you something positive to do over the next few days and I suspect you will find it helpful regardless what the future brings)

[TaraMaiden]

Mimi, you know what?

 

Substitute the word 'heroin' for him, and you have yourself the classic scenario of withdrawal symptoms vs. Drug Pusher offering you more of what keeps you in one place.

 

Like GrayClouds, I'm not painting him the 'bad guy'.

But the imagery fits......

[northstar1]

I'm having doubts.. and I think that if I didn't there would be something wrong with me. He wants me to trust him. I am putting so much of myself into doing this, I am so afraid of getting hurt. I know that fear of being hurt or abandoned can sometimes be stronger than love, and that's what I'm dealing with now. Love and fear cannot exist in the same place.

I want to cling to him right now to validate my feelings, but I know I can't. That was a huge problem in our relationship... I was very emotionally dependent with him sometimes. I want to ask him what his intentions are, but he already told me. I want to ask so many things, so I can feel better.. but I'm on my own here. It's hard. Today is his birthday. We talked earlier this morning. He's initiated a lot of contact in the last few days, even sent an incredibly long email the other night. I did tell him that I think it's best that we save most of the talking for when we see each other. He agreed and was very happy to hear me say that. But in the meantime, will do MY best to lay low.

We have about 10 days until we see each other. We're both hoping and wanting to start new. In the meantime, it's hard for me. Maybe it's best I really focus on myself.. and not depend on him to make me feel better. I made this mistake many times in our relationship and I honestly think that caused us to have problems and was part of what led to our split.

Right now, I just want to call him and hear him say "I love you, don't worry about things," Which is what I need. He has said this before, but I guess I need it now. I have to tell MYSELF those things instead of hearing it from him.

Hanging in there... it's not as if a magic wand has been waved and everything is back to normal. I know this.

 

.

 

Right, that makes sense, those old feelings of being overly dependant on him are resurfacing and you are needing more 'confirmation' than you are feeling you have.

 

This is why I think you need to cut him off until you see him. You are still talking daily aren't you?? and your feelings have shifted back into 'relationship' mode.

 

You had mentioned in your last thread you felt you had the power here. But based on this note, I don't see that being accurate. Power brings confidence. . Your feelings of your happiness depending on him are seeping back in and that will put you back to the same situation if you allow it. You are not yet back together and already you are feeling insecure about things.

 

Mimi - your happiness and self confidence doesn't need to be 100% dependant on this guy. That is what causes the following to happen:

 

1)An imbalance of power in the relationship as your happiness is totally dependant on one person that isn't you. This means you spend too much time walking one eggshells, lest the apple cart spills.

2)You can become too needy in a relationship and that becomes unattractive to your partner.

 

Your happiness starts with you, and a relationship helps to build and contribute to that happiness.

 

Now, to make this work, you need to go back into with confidence and what YOU want to get out of the relationship. I would tell him that you'll talk to him when you see him in a week, and stop the daily conversations which are just contributing to your feelings of insecurity.

[mimiminx]

.

 

Right, that makes sense, those old feelings of being overly dependant on him are resurfacing and you are needing more 'confirmation' than you are feeling you have.

 

This is why I think you need to cut him off until you see him. You are still talking daily aren't you?? and your feelings have shifted back into 'relationship' mode.

 

You had mentioned in your last thread you felt you had the power here. But based on this note, I don't see that being accurate. Power brings confidence. . Your feelings of your happiness depending on him are seeping back in and that will put you back to the same situation if you allow it. You are not yet back together and already you are feeling insecure about things.

 

Mimi - your happiness and self confidence doesn't need to be 100% dependant on this guy. That is what causes the following to happen:

 

1)An imbalance of power in the relationship as your happiness is totally dependant on one person that isn't you. This means you spend too much time walking one eggshells, lest the apple cart spills.

2)You can become too needy in a relationship and that becomes unattractive to your partner.

 

Your happiness starts with you, and a relationship helps to build and contribute to that happiness.

 

Now, to make this work, you need to go back into with confidence and what YOU want to get out of the relationship. I would tell him that you'll talk to him when you see him in a week, and stop the daily conversations which are just contributing to your feelings of insecurity.

 

Thanks Northstar- you are right. We have been talking daily..I do think they have been contributing to the feelings of insecurity, ironically enough.

What you said about happiness starts with you, and a relationship helps to build and contribute to that happiness... this is dead on. This was one of the core issues that contributed to our breakup actually and is a goal that he stated he would like to work on and I agree with. We became one person instead of two. We both did our own thing, had our own interests, friends, etc. but we based ourselves in the reflection of the other person. He said something the other day like "I think that being alone was good for us, even though it hurt. We have learned that we are not one person. We are two separate people who love each other." I can see my insecurities and old habits coming out now. I haven't acted on them, instead I have been relying on myself for my own happiness. Jeez, this whole thread has been me being emotionally dependent on him. I know now that I don't NEED him to make me happy. He contributes to that happiness, but in the end it's me who owns it. Times like these, I reflect back to the strength I have had on my own. I never lost it. It's always there. I remember about a month ago, we were talking about abandonment here, and Westrock gave me an exercise to do about confronting those feelings of insecurity and abandonment ON MY OWN. I think that was such a valuable tool, and I have really become stronger because of it, in this time.

He reminded me that he loves a million things about me; the fact that I am strong,beautiful, loving, kind, confident, funny, opinionated woman. I am that woman, on my own, when my happiness comes from myself and when I don't base it on others or him.

A little over a week until we see each other. I think the next 8 days is a very crucial time. I have a lot to reflect on in this time. We're not back together, we're both hoping and wanting a reconciliation. Going in slowly. When I start to feel insecurities bubbling up, I have been telling myself that I have ME to take care of me. I don't need HIM to validate my feelings. That's my job and I can do a better job than anyone else can. Having him in my life is just icing on the cake.

Feel like I've come a long way... I still have some hurdles and fall into some 'comfort zones' but I'm getting there.

[harmfulsweetz]

Thanks Northstar- you are right. We have been talking daily..I do think they have been contributing to the feelings of insecurity, ironically enough.

What you said about happiness starts with you, and a relationship helps to build and contribute to that happiness... this is dead on. This was one of the core issues that contributed to our breakup actually and is a goal that he stated he would like to work on and I agree with. We became one person instead of two. We both did our own thing, had our own interests, friends, etc. but we based ourselves in the reflection of the other person. He said something the other day like "I think that being alone was good for us, even though it hurt. We have learned that we are not one person. We are two separate people who love each other." I can see my insecurities and old habits coming out now. I haven't acted on them, instead I have been relying on myself for my own happiness. Jeez, this whole thread has been me being emotionally dependent on him. I know now that I don't NEED him to make me happy. He contributes to that happiness, but in the end it's me who owns it. Times like these, I reflect back to the strength I have had on my own. I never lost it. It's always there. I remember about a month ago, we were talking about abandonment here, and Westrock gave me an exercise to do about confronting those feelings of insecurity and abandonment ON MY OWN. I think that was such a valuable tool, and I have really become stronger because of it, in this time.

He reminded me that he loves a million things about me; the fact that I am strong,beautiful, loving, kind, confident, funny, opinionated woman. I am that woman, on my own, when my happiness comes from myself and when I don't base it on others or him.

A little over a week until we see each other. I think the next 8 days is a very crucial time. I have a lot to reflect on in this time. We're not back together, we're both hoping and wanting a reconciliation. Going in slowly. When I start to feel insecurities bubbling up, I have been telling myself that I have ME to take care of me. I don't need HIM to validate my feelings. That's my job and I can do a better job than anyone else can. Having him in my life is just icing on the cake.

Feel like I've come a long way... I still have some hurdles and fall into some 'comfort zones' but I'm getting there.

Exactly. Remember that. He can't make you feel better about you, you can. Good luck, if he says anything, does anything, that makes you uncertain of him, or if you come away from it still so uncertain, walk. But best of luck

Edited October 12, 2009 by harmfulsweetz

[GrayClouds]

Be careful on how hard you are on yourself and the insecurity issues. What ever feeling you had did not happen in a vacuum. How rational they were, only you can decide but remember:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200827/?highlight=commitment

 

Most individuals in a relationship like that would be very challenged to feel secure. Someone who is doing a one step forward, two step back dance will create confusion and insecurity and then use the others natural reaction to it as an excuse for the behavior. It is really easy to blame ourselves for when some behaves poorly towards us for it give us a sense of control over the situation. In reality it acturally takes further control away from us, becose it keeps us from seeing the situation is it really is.

 

And if you are generally someone who needs a high level of security in a relationship (here I am not talking about irrational, stalker type of insecurity), the other person should love that about you, rather then trying to change it.

 

Were you really at fault or being instinctively protective while trying to hold on to something that kept on moving?

 

As always, I wish you well

Edited October 13, 2009 by GrayClouds

[mimiminx]

I am working on that list that Gray Clouds suggested, I am reading 'Make Up Don't Break Up', really thinking about what I want, need, and require in this last week before we meet.

Even after the email I sent him saying we can communicate in this time before we see each other, but let's just lay low.. things aren't just back to normal and we can talk when we see each other..we don't need to talk daily.. he has been calling daily, except for yesterday. I do need some reassurance from him, as I am feeling apprehensive about this.. excited but very cautious. I know when we see each other it will seal the deal.. he knows this too. Of course, it could also go the other way but that is a slim chance, I think. The possibility is there, but I really feel it's a small one.

One thing I am very happy and positive about is that he is insistent on really sitting down and talking about things. He asserted that he wants to have many discussions about what went wrong, why, how we can change things for the future, what his part was in all this, etc. Which is great because of course that's what I want too, and we certainly will. I just feel like he and I are getting on the same page again in so many ways.

I really want him to work hard to win me back. He won't have me back easy, that's for sure. This will definitely take some time and much sincere effort on his part if we are to get back together. We were living together, we were seriously planning marriage and children, I have a ring. I will only accept that level of commitment from him now. If it's anything less, which I really don't think it will be, I will walk out the door and never look back. He's got a lot to prove, and I think he really wants to and will do that.

This entire time that we've been apart, he's still kept the same profile picture on his MySpace.. it's a picture of us in Hawaii. I can see when he logs in, he goes on maybe once a week (I know this from living with him) and he did the other day.. that means something to me.

Exactly one week to go... the last two days I've been negative about this, having some doubts, but I think that is due to having my heart broken and being wary. The sad thing is he never hurt me before, but now the trust has been damaged. It will take some time to repair it. He wants me to trust him now. This is not a pattern with him, to take one step forward, two steps back in our relationship. It's only been since the breakup he has exhibited this behavior. I can see how of course I would feel insecure and confused by his push-pull messages he's been giving off the past few months. It shows his confusion as well. We will talk about that next week.

I want this to work out. I want to make what we have into something stronger and better. We both want that. I just don't want to get hurt twice by the same person. I'm hoping, I'm wanting, but I am also prepared for the worst. This is a risk I am willing to take. I highly doubt that after we see each other, spend 9 days talking about our relationship, repairing the damage, having a wonderful time being together, I highly doubt that he'd be 'iffy' about 100% committing to me. It's like all along after the breakup he was resisting committing to anything, was struggling with it.. now he's had this breakthrough and I can see why.. I knew that it was only a matter of time before the struggle inside of him came to the surface.. his actions were not matching his words.. he was confused and conflicted.

One thing I have failed to mention here, and I don't know why I didn't post it as it was the turning point in all this: I guess about 2 weeks ago now, I deactivated my Facebook. He flipped, as I knew he would, but I did it to take a break, I didn't want to hear or read his little comments, etc. I was trying to move on, and he was preventing me from doing that by constantly reminding me he was still "there". Another thing was the shared cell phone plan we have. I told him I was getting my own plan, and it was going to take effect the following day. He also was shaken by that. We had to communicate for that, because he is the authorized owner of that account, so he needed to call to authorize the transfer of service so I could get off his plan. Long story short, I spent 4 hours with the phone company, on the phone, at the store. I was hellbent on getting off his plan and cutting the ties. At the end of that mess, I found out that it would cost me $200 to transfer the service, and I certainly don't have the money for that right now. He called me and said, let me know if you decide to do that, if not that's ok and we can just keep things the way they are until you can afford it. I said fine, but I am still planning on getting off your plan ASAP. The biggest thing was that day ( a week ago now) we had a long conversation. I was incredibly strong. I should have posted this before. We talked, I was light and friendly, he flirted with me a little, but in the end I said "I think the best thing is for us to talk when you come back to San Diego. We will most likely see each other then, but in the meantime, I need to take a step back. I want to put the past behind us, and move forward. I want to let things go. We cannot be friends as we both still have feelings for each other." He was crumbling, his voice was cracking, he was desperate. He said "so we can't talk in the meantime?" I said, no.. that is not a good idea. "Have you met someone else? Is that why?" No, I just think it's best that we let things go, I've been in the same 'place' for too long now and I want to get out of that 'place' and move forward. He said "I can respect that.. I will do my best not to contact you then, but if you ever need me, I'm here for you". I said I know, thank you. I told him to take care, said goodbye. He had to throw in, "I love you!" and I think I said "I know". That was the day that shook him to the core and got him off the friggin' fence. That night he asked to see me. The next day, he told me he has so much respect for me for saying and doing that. The fact that I was trying to move on made him realize everything. Predictable, huh? Anyway, I felt REALLY good about doing that, and I meant it. I was ready to move on, I was getting out of limbo, taking a stand and taking the power back. I wasn't doing it to shake him up, I was doing it for me.

I have hope, I am doing my best to remain positive, strong, and will make him stand up to a high standard to win me back.. because he's lost his place in line here.. there are many fish in the sea, if he won't bend over backwards to win me back and keep me, then I can find someone else who will. I don't want to be with someone who isn't SURE he wants to be with me. That's what I told myself during our breakup. That helped me start to let it go.. Now, things have changed.

I am not a doormat, I am not weak. I am all about bringing things back to equality.. he wrote me an email about equality in our relationship, how important that is and needs to be all the time, from now on... Well, here it comes buddy...

Edited October 14, 2009 by mimiminx

[seoa]

One thing I am very happy and positive about is that he is insistent on really sitting down and talking about things. He asserted that he wants to have many discussions about what went wrong, why, how we can change things for the future, what his part was in all this, etc.

 

Which is great because of course that's what I want too, and we certainly will. I just feel like he and I are getting on the same page again in so many ways.

 

*jealous*

 

just: *jealous*

 

 

That was the day that shook him to the core and got him off the friggin' fence. That night he asked to see me. The next day, he told me he has so much respect for me for saying and doing that. The fact that I was trying to move on made him realize everything. Predictable, huh? Anyway, I felt REALLY good about doing that, and I meant it. I was ready to move on, I was getting out of limbo, taking a stand and taking the power back. I wasn't doing it to shake him up, I was doing it for me.

 

congratulations - I hope it all works out really well for you...

[mimiminx]

Thank you Seoa!

I am very happy. Very cautious and not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, but things are going very well so far. It feels like he and I are getting 'warmer' by the day! I sent him an email that we should save most of the talking for when I come up there, but he has called several times, nearly daily anyway.. it's been really nice. He's very excited to see me, is taking care of all his work and school ahead of time so he can devote all his time to me when I'm there. He was talking about how he's started to go to the gym with his friend so he looks great when I see him.. he's sending me really thoughtful emails that he is thinking about me, calling me his pet names for me I forgot I have missed so much.. being very reassuring.

I read another post earlier in Second Chances, and it got me worried that maybe he just wants to 'date' me, but he's really pulling out all the stops here, I really don't think his intention is just to 'date' me. The actions are really following so far.. the anticipation is killing me!

I have missed him more in the past week than before.. it feels like that flame that never died has been ignited again. I wish we had more time together. It's going to be very hard not to sleep with him (just being honest here), as I have been wanting that for a very long time and so has he.. but it will take some time. It won't be a kiss and make up kind of thing at all...definitely some time is needed. He does need to work hard to win me back. I have my list, I know what I want to talk about with him. I'm getting ready.

Still very cautious.. I have been seeing a therapist who specializes in relationships and is also a couples' counselor, she gave me some great insight and advice for my trip, I feel pretty good about everything.

Nothing's been solidified yet, we are not back together, but so far everything is heading in the right direction.

More to come...

[ecm]

Good to hear, Mimi. I think he advice on here is great. I know it has helped me! It sounds like you are doing well. I hope your hard work (hard, HARD work dealing with all of this...ugh ) is paying off... xo