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Honestly Mimi - *I* am feeling smothered by you, and I'm not your ex...

 

If you looked at the 'why you shouldn't dwell on your ex' thread, you might have followed the link to this diagram: http://www.cyndall.com/energy.html

 

Look at diagram 6, and see if you can relate it to your situation. I know it's not concrete, and has no scientific basis at all, but it's a great picture of the Distancer /Pursuer dynamic. (And there is reasoning behind it - it will infect every interaction you have with him, in subtle ways, so that he will be able to feel your pursuit of him.)

 

You need to LEAVE HIM ALONE mentally - stop smothering him...

 

Try thinking of it this way - the one month 'counter' for him to deal with your email & start responding will only *begin* when you give him some space... That's why we were recommending NC as the starting point...

 

Try the 'want-to want-to want-to' prayer (or 'statement of intent' if you don't pray):

 

 

 

Good luck with it.

 

Thanks Seoa, I wish it was that easy. I will try.

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Mimi,in this case, to try will be to fail.

Trying isn't doing.....

And if you find you're going to be trying, it's a sign that actually, you don't really want to fully do it......

 

You have to DO it.

Follow to the letter, the suggestions of those who have given you such good counsel.

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Thanks Seoa, I wish it was that easy. I will try.

 

Where is the decisive Mimi that I heard so much about?

 

You are now trying to guess what he is up to and creating all sorts of scenerios, thus further causing yourself immutable stress and pain.

 

The fact is, who knows what he is doing, what WE DO know is he isn't being an adult and responding to your concerns.

 

For now, that's what you need to concern yourself with.

No more humouring him with conversations, no matter how lonely you get.

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Mimi,in this case, to try will be to fail.

Trying isn't doing.....

And if you find you're going to be trying, it's a sign that actually, you don't really want to fully do it......

 

You have to DO it.

Follow to the letter, the suggestions of those who have given you such good counsel.

 

I will. No more indulging him in conversations. I am following Westrock's advice. The next time we talk, we will talk about it. I know what to do and I will do it.

Writing on here has been a great therapy for me.. I know I tend to think about it too much, but it really helps me to write it out and to look back on my posts. My therapist told me to devote time to thinking about it, and writing here is my time to do that. I don't mean to annoy or smother anyone, it's just healthy for me to get it out.

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My therapist told me to devote time to thinking about it, and writing here is my time to do that. I don't mean to annoy or smother anyone, it's just healthy for me to get it out.

 

I didn't mean you should stop posting here - I'm a big girl, if I don't want to read your posts, I'll ignore this thread :)

 

I just thought it would be helpful to point out the 'engulfing' feeling that you are giving off, on the subject of your ex... I suspect when your therapist said to think about it, she didn't mean to obsess pointlessly...

 

As others have said, you need to cut off from him - like training a puppy or a small child, he doesn't get your attention (including too much thought /grief) unless he's behaving in the way that impresses you...

 

Keep processing. Don't obsess. Distract yourself when necessary. And believe that we understand how hard it all is - we've obsessed too, I promise...!

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Thanks Seoa, I wish it was that easy. I will try.

 

But that's the beauty of the want-to want-to...

 

If you're not ready to say I want to stop thinking about him (which I quite understand, I'm there myself a lot of the time)

 

...then you might be ready to say I want to get to a place where I want to stop thinking about him - but you might not be there yet either - it's early days for you

 

...so you could be at the point where you can honestly say that you want to get to the point eventually where you can genuinely want to start believing that you could want to stop thinking about him

 

...and if even that's just not true, add another want to or two...

 

It really really works... I've used it on forgiveness too - things you think are unforgiveable - you start a few levels back, and really mean it, and over time you can move up to the levels until you're genuinely saying I want to be able to do X

 

One Step At A Time.

 

It's the only way...

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One Step At A Time.

 

It's the only way...

 

Mimi,

 

This is the key, to do it one step at a time.

 

The diagram in the link Seoa posted is excellent and it shows exactly what you've been going through and where you should be heading. Study it as this is your roadmap. I think you're in between step 6 and 7. Your guy is expecting you to pursue (step 6) as you've always done, but you're not because you're moving to step 7. All the suggestions and excercises I posted here for you are all aimed to get you to become self-empowered and focus on YOU (step 7). Also, you've been quietly getting yourself ready for step 8 when the two of you talk. By his recent call he's now just starting to turn his attention to you (step 8) although he's not quite there as he's still showing distancer behavior. But, as soon as he turns his attention to you (step 8) which may be in your next call with him, you will be ready as you know how to handle the situation.

 

You are very lucky because you are more empowered than most people in your situation -- so often on LoveShack I see people take the advice to go completely NC (step 7) but they go often overboard and shut the door completely such that when the other person finally turns their attention to them (step 8), instead of engaging in communication, the person keeps up the NC and stays stuck in step 7 or they go back to step 6 but with the roles opposite, resulting in even more frustration. Instead, you're ready for for the transition from step 7 to step 8.

 

Also, remember that you have the benefit of the advice of all of us here. Your b/f probably has very little support or guidance on his end. The next time you talk with him, you have a good roadmap on how to proceed. If he contacts you, remember to gauge the situation and have a phone conversation (no FB chat). You have to steer the conversation to your email, expect some resistance, and listen to what he says without getting defensive. Review the previous posts here so you know what to do. Remember, you won't be able to solve everything in one call, but as long as things move in the right direction, then you'll know you are making progress.

 

As stressful as this is for you, you're actually moving forward in the right direction. Practice Seoa's I want-to exercises as they are effective, and keep comforting Abandoned-Mimi as she's planning to show up right in the middle of your conversation with your b/f. Also, keep posting here to vent.

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I really like that diagram! It helped to look at that. I'm in Stage 7 now, headed towards Stage 8. I feel that I have learned A LOT!! The best thing I can do for myself is address the issues for myself. I will become a stronger and healthier person because of this. By putting the energy into myself rather than putting my energy into him is the best thing I can do and am working on it. I do want to focus on ME.

Preparing for the conversation (per your advice Westrock) I am going to address my fear of abandonment, as it was and IS the core issue as to why I was smothering him. I have more that I want to talk about though. It helps me to write it down so I can refer to it during our conversation when that time comes. Here's what I've got:

 

"My therapist and others have brought this to my attention, and honestly I didn’t really acknowledge it before. I have been able to see much more clearly what was a very destructive behavior of mine. It’s been my greatest fear that has backfired against me. I have feared abandonment. In my efforts to prevent this from happening, I have become overly dependent on getting those feelings relieved, when I really should be dealing with them on my own. This is something I’m working on now because I know it’s only me who can really take care of me.

It made me panic when you were distancing and withdrawing. I wanted to get into your head to know where you were. Insecurity on my part, and the more I pushed, the further away you got. Instead of me taking care of myself, I depended on you to relieve my fears. I honestly believe that this fear of mine was the cause of me smothering you and not letting up with the constant questions, going around in circles. I needed to be reassured, but it really wasn’t you who could give that to me. It is me.

I’m not sure why exactly I fear abandonment so much, I have since I was a teenager I think because of my dad… he wasn’t there for me in the way that I needed him to be so I felt abandoned by him emotionally. He loved me of course but he wasn’t a good father in many ways.

 

I can understand why felt you had to leave. It was turning into a vicious cycle that would only have kept perpetuating. Not only was it me that was pushing, it was you that kept avoiding. I take responsibility for my part, but your avoidance is not a healthy way to communicate either.You told me once that my way of communicating wasn’t healthy. And you were right. I thought just because I was “talking” it was communication. It’s not."

 

I am also of course ready to listen to what he has to say. I can predict that he will be resistant to a degree but I want to put this out there. I know how to handle this, thanks to your great advice.

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Westrock said :Practice Seoa's I want-to exercises as they are effective, and keep comforting Abandoned-Mimi as she's planning to show up right in the middle of your conversation with your b/f.

 

Mimi- here's an example of how "Abandoned Mimi" shows up like one of the multiple personalities of "Sybil"...

 

a fairly accurate transcript of a recent conversation with my ex:

(After we had agreed to cool off for a little bit-b/c he flipped out b/c of a POTENTIAL "oops" which was never an "oops"..I was only 5 days late then everything was fine.) Up 'til this very moment you're about to witness, I was handling it/ playing it PERFECTLY, then from out of nowhere....

 

Jerk-face: "This is why we can't be together. I can't trust you."

Me: "What are you talking about? What do you mean you can't trust me? I thought you said you can't be with me because you don't LOVE ME! Which one is it?"

Jerk-face: "It's BOTH. You didn't answer your phone or text me back last night, so I think you're lying."

Me: "Oh, really? I didn't text you back for 12 hours?! You've done it to me for weeks/ months at a time! How does it feel?"

 

then...things calm down... he says he's sorry for getting mad, blah blah blah.

 

But THEN, after we had successfully agreed to end it/take a break/ cool off for a bit on a good note, it was runined! Then, I was all upset and fired up & wanted to talk again in persons we can both walk away on a good note. ( I don't like to end things fighting, so I asked. ) He resisted. then, i got all fired up even worse.

 

So, the point is, no matter how well you are doing, how strong you are being, how tightly you are holding "the ball in your court"... it is very easy to ruin all the good you've been doing.

 

I swear, AS I was saying those things to him, I could see myself yelling "NO0o-O0o-O0o" in my head... all that hard work was wasted. Back to square 1. So, I'm back in a good position now, but I'm steps behind, ya know?

 

Good luck. Hold back ANYthing with all of your mite that puts you back in that uncomfortable position...

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wondering_girl

hi mimi, i agree with ECM, the last time i met up with my bf of 4 years (i think i'm not sure if he is or not, since he's been silent) i poured all my heart, emotions, why are you doing this to me? we need to work on it blah blah... he barely said 3 words to me, he again said he wasn't ready to talk, after saying he was ready? keep in mind he also wanted to take me to dinner.. i'm like ughhhh? i kept my composure even though i was frustrated with him... i wanted to yell, scream, and say what's wrong but we have to show them that we are not weak ,even though i'm weak as hell..... when he said he wasn't ready to talk about our issues i just said ok, when you're ready i'm here, i didn't want to force him to talk bc i'm sure he wouldn't... it's been 8 days since our "silent dinner" NC

 

i guess i'm just thinking when the conversation happens let's be calm (i know easier said than done) because it's like we're waiting on a verdict from them ughhh so frustrating when they can't communicate...

 

hope everything works out..

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I would leave out the part about "I understand why you had to leave". By saying that, it seems it was okay for him to leave as he did, and thus you are enabling him to justify himself for why he took off.

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Still waiting for him to make contact one more time and to talk about the email?

 

I hope you get an answer, good or bad, I hope you can end this process soon.

 

I got the answer for my situation, and it was a bad one, but finally I am moving on.

 

I wish you the best. Get him to discuss what's going on, and if you don't get an answer that you like, it'll be time to give up. I wasted 5 months of my life chasing someone. Don't do that to yourself.

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Yes I am. Won't be happening tonight though. I really don't feel it's over between us. We still have too much love for each other. In the time apart, my love for him has only grown stronger. I wish that actually counted for something.

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Love is immeasurable in quantity.

I think you love him a lot more than he loves you.

And I think you're loving him too much, and yourself far, far too little.

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I feel sick.. I miss him so much.

Hi Abandoned-Mimi! Welcome to the forums. We've been talking about you. I hope you know that New-Big-Girl-Mimi loves you. We've only just recently met New-Big-Girl-Mimi in the last few days and I can tell you that she is a confident smart woman. We heard that you are her best new friend. Anyway, you can trust her that she will never abandon or reject you and she'll always be there when you come calling on her.

 

Love is immeasurable in quantity.

I agree. I understand this to mean that we can't actually measure the love, and that there is no limit to love.

 

I think you love him a lot more than he loves you.

In fairness to Mimi's b/f, we don't know if that is true. We're only hearing one side of the story. Earlier this month he was trying to contact her relentlessly non-stop, sometimes multiple times a day. At the time, what if his buddies said to him "Hey dude, she's not responding, we think you love her more than she loves you. Give it up." -- how wrong they are!

Even in one of their recent calls he was flirting and asking personal questions.

 

And I think you're loving him too much, and yourself far, far too little.

Yes I agree with this statement, as long as Mimi doesn't take this to mean she should reduce her love for her b/f to get back in balance. She needs to increase her love for herself.

 

In the time apart, my love for him has only grown stronger. I wish that actually counted for something.

 

Mimi, you and and your b/f are grinding your love gears. You are in a transition phase. You should keep up your love for her b/f. More love, not less love. Love in the form of patience, compassion, and understanding is the grease the two of you need to get the love gears back moving again smoothly.

 

You're also in a tug-of-war with yourself. You are finally facing your abandonment issues. This is the scariest thing you have to face. There is no going back to the old-little-girl-Mimi. New-Big-Girl-Mimi will succeed in the end.

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Feeling stronger today... so far. I started my new job and I love it! I needed a shot of self-confidence and feel really on top of it today!

Thanks again Westrock. Seriously though, trying not to put all my eggs in one basket. Don't want to set myself up for heartbreak all over again, and having false hope.

Just trying to take care of "Mimi" today :)

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????? Ok I just scrolled by that last post and got a little protective. Not sure how that was supposed to sound, but it seemed a wee-bit underhanded...just sayin'.

 

Mimi- Keep focusing on things like your new job JUST BECAUSE. :)

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I feel like I'm putting my heart on a silver platter and afraid that it's going to get completely crushed. If I didn't do this, I would regret it though. In the meantime to protect my heart, I am not hoping for anything. I am not expecting anything. I am accepting today, not tomorrow, or a month from now. I know the way I feel and what I want, I feel good about communicating that to him. I know that he may respond negatively or not at all and I am prepared for that as well. If he responds positively, it's the MOST I could hope for. My fears keep haunting me, but I'm trying to love myself first and foremost. I'm not losing the faith but I am not holding on for a miracle either.

In this breakup I have learned so much, about myself and about our relationship. I've had some setbacks and yes, I am weak. I am only human and have a great capacity to love and be loved in return. I have remembered that I can do just fine on my own and can only find happiness within myself, and not from others. I have a lot to be happy about and a lot going for me in my life.

I do know what I want and what I deserve and I really won't settle for anything less than that. BUT, I want to have the peace in my heart that I didn't give up too soon either. I agree with everyone here suggesting NC but in my situation, I don't think it applies... YET or if at all. I would feel horrible and untrue to myself if I pretended he didn't exist and wiped him out of my life right now. I don't hate him, I hope for a reconciliation ultimately. If that never happens, then I would never want any ill feelings between us, that is unless he did something terrible or hurt me. I am prepared to stop the communication completely if he gives me a negative response though. I can guarantee that. This feeling has been so draining, the faith and hope is tiring and trying. I am protecting my heart now by assuming IT'S OVER but it is still ok that I feel the way I do towards him.

My fear is that by putting my heart out there, it will be broken again, that's all. At least I can say I did my best and was true to myself if that happens.

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@mimiminx

 

You have to let go of that hope and consider the possibility that you guys may not reconcile ever again, because it may backfire at the end. You are just gonna make it harder for yourself at the end. I know i have been there and only when i removed that hope i have gotten better myself.

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I feel like I'm putting my heart on a silver platter and afraid that it's going to get completely crushed...... I know that he may respond negatively or not at all ........ If he responds positively, it's the MOST I could hope for. My fears keep haunting me, but I'm trying to love myself first and foremost. I'm not losing the faith but I am not holding on for a miracle either.

 

....I am prepared to stop the communication completely if he gives me a negative response though. I can guarantee that. This feeling has been so draining, the faith and hope is tiring and trying. I am protecting my heart now by assuming IT'S OVER but it is still ok that I feel the way I do towards him.

 

And this is exactly what I mean when I say that I believe she loves him more than he loves her, westrock.

Because as things appear, and as things have been relayed, I truly doubt very much that he feels this deeply, or anywhere near the same intense level as she does.

I don't believe he contacted her 'relentlessly non-stop, several times a day' out of truly intense devotion.

I just believe he was contacting her to gratify his own ego and gain a response.

Otherwise, he would be relaying the same intensity to her, as she is to him.

He retreated and hasn't replied positively to her e-mail, because it's put him on a back foot.

it's placed him in a position of having to be responsible for his own actions.

it's unlike anything she has ever communicated before, and it's therefore out of (her) character. So he's having to process the "New Mimi" as you call her.

He's having to understand that suddenly she's calling him on his bluffs.

And it's thrown him a purler, or 'blindsided' him, as is said in the USA....

 

If he felt as strongly, deeply and intensely as she does about this situation, he would have been back by now to thank her for her frankness, and "wow, that's quite an e-mail, I've never looked at it that way before, and I think it's great that you've come forward with this, because it could save our relationship"....

 

She sent it on the 18th.

She had a neutral, superficial discussion with him on FB on the 21st (in other words, the letter stood between them, like the proverbial Elephant In The Room)....it's now the 23rd....? That's a full 6 days....

 

Mimi, how long would it have taken you to reply to an e-mail like this, from him?

 

IMO, we're still to-ing and fro-ing and the words 'dead horse' and 'flogging' spring to mind.....

Sorry mimi.

I truly believe you now, have to do a complete 180 and focus entirely - and solely - on you.

 

It's not as if you haven't tried.

 

Oh boy, have you tried....

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I'm not losing the faith but I am not holding on for a miracle either.

 

I do know what I want and what I deserve and I really won't settle for anything less than that. BUT, I want to have the peace in my heart that I didn't give up too soon either.

 

I agree with everyone here suggesting NC but in my situation, I don't think it applies... YET or if at all. I would feel horrible and untrue to myself if I pretended he didn't exist and wiped him out of my life right now.

 

I don't hate him, I hope for a reconciliation ultimately. If that never happens, then I would never want any ill feelings between us, that is unless he did something terrible or hurt me.

 

I am prepared to stop the communication completely if he gives me a negative response though. I can guarantee that.

 

At least I can say I did my best and was true to myself if that happens.

 

And this is basically your problem.

 

You have misunderstood NC.

 

You seem to think that

- it means you hate him...

- it means you've given up...

- it means you're not being honest ('true to yourself')

- you have to pretend he doesn't exist

 

NC just means "no contact"... It doesn't mean any of the things above...

 

In fact, as we have endlessly said, it's your best chance of getting him back.

 

Going back to that diagram, where you *think* that you've moved on from step 6...!? No you haven't...! You're still very much obsessing and enclosing him in your 'pursuer' energy...

 

No Contact means that you politely, kindly, with love in your heart, and with hope in every fibre of your being - stop all contact between you that is not about him Actively Pursuing you...

 

We've been saying it for 14 pages, but I'll repeat it again, see if you can understand it this time.

 

"Him Pursuing You" looks like (this is him talking):

- "I am so sorry"

- "I am willing to do whatever it takes to get us back together"

- "I acknowledge that I was equally at fault & need to change too"

- "I will put myself out to see you in person - not for sex - but to repeat the above 3 statements with increasing sincerity"

 

"You Pursuing Him" looks like (this is still him talking):

- "I want to have commitment-free sex (or sex talk) with you"

- "I want to flirt with you, so that my confidence is boosted"

- "I think you acted in ways that broke us up"

- "I think you are broken and need fixing"

- "I don't think our break-up was my fault"

- "I like your company, but I don't want to date you, thanks"

- "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

- "I love you, but I just don't want to date you"

- "I'm in another state, and have no interest in travelling back to see you, coz I'm just not that in to you"

 

You can see that there are lots of signs that he's using you for comfort.

 

However, the signs that he wants you back are simple & very, very clear.

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Tara Maiden and Seoa (and others, but I just read thelast 2 things): Wow, wow, and wow. I wish I had you for advice when I first started dealing with this cr*p.

 

Can someone please tell me some links to "NC"? (I saw one called "caliguys guide..." or something like that already) Any other ones of interest that you know of off the top of your head?

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TaraMaiden, Seoa,

 

I think we're all essentially saying the same thing.

 

I don't believe he contacted her 'relentlessly non-stop, several times a day' out of truly intense devotion.

I just believe he was contacting her to gratify his own ego and gain a response.

 

Otherwise, he would be relaying the same intensity to her, as she is to him.

Can't he say the same thing about her when he was trying to contact her? Again, I don't think we know enough to be able assess what he is thinking.

 

He retreated and hasn't replied positively to her e-mail, because it's put him on a back foot.

it's placed him in a position of having to be responsible for his own actions.

it's unlike anything she has ever communicated before, and it's therefore out of (her) character. So he's having to process the "New Mimi" as you call her.

He's having to understand that suddenly she's calling him on his bluffs.

And it's thrown him a purler, or 'blindsided' him, as is said in the USA....

I totally agree with this assessment. He needed to receive this powerful message so that he knows Mimi is serious about changing and that she is establishing her boundaries otherwise to him he would have thought same-old-same-old.

 

If he felt as strongly, deeply and intensely as she does about this situation, he would have been back by now to thank her for her frankness, and "wow, that's quite an e-mail, I've never looked at it that way before, and I think it's great that you've come forward with this, because it could save our relationship"....

I seem to recall Mimi said that he did initially acknowedge receiving it and said he wanted to think about it.

 

She sent it on the 18th.

She had a neutral, superficial discussion with him on FB on the 21st (in other words, the letter stood between them, like the proverbial Elephant In The Room)....it's now the 23rd....? That's a full 6 days....

I just don't think 6 days is a long time to process this. Afterall, as you say it's unlike anything she has ever communicated before. In fairness to him, she took a lot longer to acknowlege his attempts to contact her.

 

Mimi, how long would it have taken you to reply to an e-mail like this, from him?

But Mimi is not him.

 

I truly believe you now, have to do a complete 180 and focus entirely - and solely - on you.

I agree and I think she is doing that right now - she's focussing on her abandonment issues. But I think it was worthwhile for her to have first expressed her thoughts to him as she did in her email and prepared herself on how she would handle a discussion. Now she can turn her focus to dealing with her abandonment issues.

 

It's not as if you haven't tried.

 

Oh boy, have you tried....

I think only Mimi can determine whether she has tried and whether she wants to continue or not. Either way she wants to go, at this time she can just continue focussing on her abandonment issues knowing that she's stated her position and has prepared herself in the event her guy wants to have a discussion.

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