Over or not over?

[TaraMaiden]

Tara Maiden and Seoa (and others, but I just read thelast 2 things): Wow, wow, and wow. I wish I had you for advice when I first started dealing with this cr*p.

 

Can someone please tell me some links to "NC"? (I saw one called "caliguys guide..." or something like that already) Any other ones of interest that you know of off the top of your head?

 

 

Look at the bottom of my post, it's there.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden, Seoa,

 

I think we're all essentially saying the same thing.

It's possible. I however, am very much in the 'tell-it-like-it-is' mould. I call a spade a frickin' shovel and shoot from the hip.

 

 

Can't he say the same thing about her when he was trying to contact her? Again, I don't think we know enough to be able assess what he is thinking.

I think we can. I think mimi has told us quite enough about what he says and when, for us to be able to at least take an educated guess....I don't for one moment think she's lying.

Love like this stops you lying.

 

 

I totally agree with this assessment. He needed to receive this powerful message so that he knows Mimi is serious about changing and that she is establishing her boundaries otherwise to him he would have thought same-old-same-old.

And this is why he's now gone completely silent. Because it's not the same old same-old. And he has no idea how to regain the controlling hand.....

 

 

I seem to recall Mimi said that he did initially acknowedge receiving it and said he wanted to think about it.

 

He said that he looked at it but wanted to read it again tomorrow when he could give it his full attention and respond to me.

That's all he said about it. Then, apparently, he goes on...

 

He told me on the phone, "I just want to tell you that I love you very much and I really miss you". He said the way I feel about you has nothing to do with why we're broken up. This is why I'm pretty darn sure that the "issue" of concern here is the real cause.

He actually called me twice last night... and something interesting happened... he was calling me honey and flirting with me again..I wasn't reciprocating but of course I was flattered by it... I won't go into the details but it was pretty intense. I was surprised actually. Anyway,.. maybe the wheels are starting to turn here.

 

See how he flirted?

'I got to lull her back into that sense of dangling again. That way, i know I have her exactly where I want her'.....

And she was flattered by it.

He was getting there.

Doesn't anybody else see this...??

 

 

I just don't think 6 days is a long time to process this. Afterall, as you say it's unlike anything she has ever communicated before. In fairness to him, she took a lot longer to acknowlege his attempts to contact her.

For completely different reasons!

Six days is a who-o-o-le real long time to process it. Not even a word of acknowledgement? nothing in between?

I have a bad feeling about this.....

 

 

But Mimi is not him.

Read my question again. I didn't ask her if she were him. I asked how long it would have taken her to respond and come up with something, if the letter had been FROM him.

 

 

I agree and I think she is doing that right now - she's focussing on her abandonment issues. But I think it was worthwhile for her to have first expressed her thoughts to him as she did in her email and prepared herself on how she would handle a discussion. Now she can turn her focus to dealing with her abandonment issues.

No.

She should be focussing on No Contact. AND her abandonment issues.

(Jeesh, why does everything have to be called an 'issue'? What's wrong with the word 'hang-up', or 'problem'?!)

 

 

I think only Mimi can determine whether she has tried and whether she wants to continue or not. Either way she wants to go, at this time she can just continue focussing on her abandonment issues knowing that she's stated her position and has prepared herself in the event her guy wants to have a discussion.

I think we should let mimi respond to my post herself.

[northstar1]

It's possible. I however, am very much in the 'tell-it-like-it-is' mould. I call a spade a frickin' shovel and shoot from the hip.

 

 

 

I think we can. I think mimi has told us quite enough about what he says and when, for us to be able to at least take an educated guess....I don't for one moment think she's lying.

Love like this stops you lying.

 

 

 

And this is why he's now gone completely silent. Because it's not the same old same-old. And he has no idea how to regain the controlling hand.....

 

 

 

 

That's all he said about it. Then, apparently, he goes on...

 

 

 

See how he flirted?

'I got to lull her back into that sense of dangling again. That way, i know I have her exactly where I want her'.....

And she was flattered by it.

He was getting there.

Doesn't anybody else see this...??

 

 

 

For completely different reasons!

Six days is a who-o-o-le real long time to process it. Not even a word of acknowledgement? nothing in between?

I have a bad feeling about this.....

 

 

 

Read my question again. I didn't ask her if she were him. I asked how long it would have taken her to respond and come up with something, if the letter had been FROM him.

 

 

 

No.

She should be focussing on No Contact. AND her abandonment issues.

(Jeesh, why does everything have to be called an 'issue'? What's wrong with the word 'hang-up', or 'problem'?!)

 

 

 

I think we should let mimi respond to my post herself.

 

Totally agree. He's a grown man and he has chosen to ignore the note for 6 days. That says a lot, both about him, and how he really feels

 

It sounds like a lot of people are starting to make excuses for this guy. He's not a child.

 

It's easy for him to sit back on Facebook and flirt away. It requires no emotional effort or sacrifice, yet by doing that he maintains her in an orbit around him. That is hardly showing how much he loves her or cares.

Truly showing that would be him either showing up at her door, or calling her on the phone and expressing his feelings, good or bad.

 

Sorry, but people who love and totally respect your feelings (both as a partner, friend or lover) don't treat you like this. At least not in my world.

 

Mimi - I hope that this all resolves itself soon for you, it's not fair that you are having to still wait on this.

[seoa]

TaraMaiden, Seoa,

 

I think we're all essentially saying the same thing.

 

Hmmm.... I'm not sure that we are...

 

Can't he say the same thing about her when he was trying to contact her?

 

No, I don't think so. Her attempts at contact have been "I want to work on our relationship". His have been "I want to stop feeling so lonely in my new single state, until I am ready for a new girl". He has shown no interest in doing anything that would resume the relationship.

 

I agree and I think she is doing that right now - she's focussing on her abandonment issues.

 

Except I don't think she is... At least, she's spending more time obsessing over him, because you (and abandoned-Mimi) are keeping her holding on to unrealistic levels of hope.

 

She needs to stand back, to "go to step 7 of the diagram", and she won't do that while her *main* focus is on waiting for his response to her email...

 

Anyway, over to Mimi (the Big Girl version)...

[westrock]

It's possible. I however, am very much in the 'tell-it-like-it-is' mould. I call a spade a frickin' shovel and shoot from the hip.

I respect where you are coming from. I'm coming from the don't-jump-to-conclusions-just-yet mould. I appreciate we're coming at this from different perspectives both with valid points.

 

And this is why he's now gone completely silent. Because it's not the same old same-old. And he has no idea how to regain the controlling hand.....

And that's exactly where things should be headed (that is towards NOT same-old-same-old) and as such it should not be a surprise that he would go silent. I agree that he has no idea how to regain control and I hope he fails at regaining a controlling hand. Hopefully the magnitude of the situation is enough to make him realise it's not about control.

 

See how he flirted?

'I got to lull her back into that sense of dangling again. That way, i know I have her exactly where I want her'.....

And she was flattered by it.

He was getting there.

Doesn't anybody else see this...??

Yes, I agree that he was trying to lull her back to same-old-same-old with his dangling. But, I don't think his flirting was necessarily a bad thing. There has to be some flirting. It would have been better if he had also addressed the issues, but I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now that maybe he doesn't know what to do or he needs more time to process everything. She didn't take his bait and start to pursue him as she probably did in the past, but instead she has also gone silent on him. Effectively, she is NC at the moment with him.

 

For completely different reasons!

Six days is a who-o-o-le real long time to process it. Not even a word of acknowledgement? nothing in between?

I have a bad feeling about this.....

I respect your view on this. I guess we just differ on what would be considered a long time. One thing I've observed over the years is that people process things differently in different time frames and I believe we should respect that.

She should be focussing on No Contact. AND her abandonment issues.

Isn't she doing that now? I realise she's stressed out thinking about him and the way to handle that is to acknowledge and process those feelings.

Her attempts at contact have been "I want to work on our relationship". His have been "I want to stop feeling so lonely in my new single state, until I am ready for a new girl". He has shown no interest in doing anything that would resume the relationship.

Not that I'm trying to defend the guy, but I don't know if that's really a fair assessment. From what I recall he had been trying for a long time to get her to address the issues of space and smothering and it was only after he left did she fully appreciate this.

She needs to stand back, to "go to step 7 of the diagram", and she won't do that while her *main* focus is on waiting for his response to her email...

I agree. Her main focus should not be waiting for his response. Her main focus should be on dealing with her own abandonment problem.

[ecm]

Look at the bottom of my post, it's there.

Oh yeah, that's where I saw it before. thanks. Anyone know any others? I'm gonna google it in the mean time.

[mimiminx]

Ok everyone, I apologize if my multi-quotes don't come out correctly:

He retreated and hasn't replied positively to her e-mail, because it's put him on a back foot.

it's placed him in a position of having to be responsible for his own actions.

it's unlike anything she has ever communicated before, and it's therefore out of (her) character. So he's having to process the "New Mimi" as you call her.

He's having to understand that suddenly she's calling him on his bluffs.

And it's thrown him a purler, or 'blindsided' him, as is said in the USA....

Mimi, how long would it have taken you to reply to an e-mail like this, from him?

 

This is true Tara, I think it definitely has thrown him for a loop, now he's put in the position to accept responsibilities for his actions.

In all fairness and honesty, if the tables were turned, I can say that I would be blindsided by the email, and would not respond immediately even if I loved him and was completely devoted to him, etc. I would in all honesty take some time to think about it myself. Truly. 6 days.. not an eternity. I would spend time thinking about it. Not trying to defend him, but I know him well and he spends time thinking about things before he says anything. That's the way he is.

 

"Him Pursuing You" looks like (this is him talking):

- "I am so sorry"

- "I am willing to do whatever it takes to get us back together"

- "I acknowledge that I was equally at fault & need to change too"

- "I will put myself out to see you in person - not for sex - but to repeat the above 3 statements with increasing sincerity"

 

"You Pursuing Him" looks like (this is still him talking):

- "I want to have commitment-free sex (or sex talk) with you"

- "I want to flirt with you, so that my confidence is boosted"

- "I think you acted in ways that broke us up"

- "I think you are broken and need fixing"

- "I don't think our break-up was my fault"

- "I like your company, but I don't want to date you, thanks"

- "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

- "I love you, but I just don't want to date you"

- "I'm in another state, and have no interest in travelling back to see you, coz I'm just not that in to you"

 

You can see that there are lots of signs that he's using you for comfort.

 

However, the signs that he wants you back are simple & very, very clear.

 

Yes, you are right Seoa. I understand the value and meaning of NC and I completely get what you are saying. I do. I agree that him talking to me is a comfort to him, and I have been enabling that. In fact, you may be right, he's just not that into me. I did send him the email (pursuing) but from now I am not having contact with him unless he addresses what I wrote and wants to talk about it. You say that NC is me not pursuing him. I get that. I'm backing off now.

 

I totally agree with this assessment. He needed to receive this powerful message so that he knows Mimi is serious about changing and that she is establishing her boundaries otherwise to him he would have thought same-old-same-old. I agree and I think she is doing that right now - she's focussing on her abandonment issues. But I think it was worthwhile for her to have first expressed her thoughts to him as she did in her email and prepared herself on how she would handle a discussion. Now she can turn her focus to dealing with her abandonment issues. I think only Mimi can determine whether she has tried and whether she wants to continue or not. Either way she wants to go, at this time she can just continue focussing on her abandonment issues knowing that she's stated her position and has prepared herself in the event her guy wants to have a discussion.

 

Westrock, this is correct. He would have thought same old, same old. Things have changed. I am prepared to handle the discussion if need be. I am focusing on myself now. That doesn't mean I stop thinking about him though, people!

 

That says a lot, both about him, and how he really feels

So, he really has no love or respect for me is that what you're saying?

 

 

No, I don't think so. Her attempts at contact have been "I want to work on our relationship". His have been "I want to stop feeling so lonely in my new single state, until I am ready for a new girl". He has shown no interest in doing anything that would resume the relationship.

 

Again, you are right on what you said about my attempts at contact. His attempts at contact are him feeling lonely until he is ready for some other girl, possibly. However, he has clearly stated that he would like things to work, he talks about me in his future, if we come back together. If he was really that lonely and he didn't have feelings for me that way, I don't think he would be wasting his time with all his efforts to contact me and talk to me and say what he says to me. The contact he makes with me is not always a self-serving purpose, he is not reaching out to me solely to relieve his loneliness. There are many other things he is doing to show how he feels about me without him getting any "benefit" : for example, sending and posting pictures of us together on FB, asking friends about me, etc,etc. I hear what you are saying though, of course he hasn't come right out and said "I want this to work, I will do whatever it takes, etc." However, I don't think he's using communication with me purely for comfort and to relieve his loneliness. I believe his feelings for me are more honest than that.

 

Yes, I agree that he was trying to lull her back to same-old-same-old with his dangling. But, I don't think his flirting was necessarily a bad thing. There has to be some flirting. It would have been better if he had also addressed the issues, but I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now that maybe he doesn't know what to do or he needs more time to process everything. She didn't take his bait and start to pursue him as she probably did in the past, but instead she has also gone silent on him. Effectively, she is NC at the moment with him.One thing I've observed over the years is that people process things differently in different time frames and I believe we should respect that.Not that I'm trying to defend the guy, but I don't know if that's really a fair assessment. From what I recall he had been trying for a long time to get her to address the issues of space and smothering and it was only after he left did she fully appreciate this.

 

This is right on.

 

A summary:

I sent him the email. He acknowledged it but has not addressed it. It has been 6 days. I am prepared to discuss it if need be. Starting 3 days ago, I am not contacting him or responding to him unless he is willing to talk about what I wrote. I am not going to enable him or feed his loneliness and longing for me, as good as it feels to hear it from him. I don't doubt he has strong feelings and love for me, I've never doubted that. However, he is not returning the same affection that I am. This is unacceptable to me and I deserve better. If he can and does, that's great. People process things at different rates. In fact, I never expected his response to be immediate, I'd rather it NOT be immediate if that makes any sense. Honestly, it's not realistic for an immediate response. It's not like he was waiting for me to come to this conclusion so he could say, "ok, you see it now, let's get back together". No. Westrock will agree with me when I say that may take some time for this one. He is hesitant and waiting for a follow through on my part to back up my statement. (by me not bugging him about it, or not pursuing him). I have gone silent on him. I will not indulge his loneliness. I put forth the effort I felt was necessary, and it's up to him what he does with that. I am not waiting around for him to respond either. I am living my life, trying to accept that maybe he's just not that into me after all, and trying to move forward. That does not mean that my feelings for him will go away. I am not hanging on to hope. That's the worst thing I can do. Yes, I am retreating. I am not pursuing anymore. I've done my part and that's it. When I do hear from him again, if he chooses not to address what I wrote or nothing is progressing, then I'm done "pursuing" him (NC) and moving on. Ok? I'm ready for this everyone. I'm done pursuing him. But if he wants to talk about it, I am prepared. That's all there is...

[Surfer Girl]

So.... from what I understand from this post.... is you will not contact him until he contacts you..... That is what needs to happen....

[mimiminx]

So.... from what I understand from this post.... is you will not contact him until he contacts you..... That is what needs to happen....

 

Yes. And when he does, I am prepared for it.

[seoa]

A summary:

He is hesitant and waiting for a follow through on my part to back up my statement. (by me not bugging him about it, or not pursuing him).

 

I have gone silent on him. I will not indulge his loneliness. I put forth the effort I felt was necessary, and it's up to him what he does with that. I am not waiting around for him to respond either. I am living my life, trying to accept that maybe he's just not that into me after all, and trying to move forward. That does not mean that my feelings for him will go away. I am not hanging on to hope. That's the worst thing I can do.

 

Yes, I am retreating. I am not pursuing anymore. I've done my part and that's it. When I do hear from him again, if he chooses not to address what I wrote or nothing is progressing, then I'm done "pursuing" him (NC) and moving on. Ok? I'm ready for this everyone. I'm done pursuing him. But if he wants to talk about it, I am prepared. That's all there is...

 

You go girl... When the 'crazy' comes on (as I know that it will - because we've all been there) and you want to scream at the universe coz he's still not come back - then do the scream, come here, read what you've written, and stay strong...

 

Here's hoping that he can use this space that you're giving him in a positive way...

[mimiminx]

You go girl... When the 'crazy' comes on (as I know that it will - because we've all been there) and you want to scream at the universe coz he's still not come back - then do the scream, come here, read what you've written, and stay strong...

 

Here's hoping that he can use this space that you're giving him in a positive way...

 

Here's hoping...nothing. I know you mean well when you say that. But honestly, if he's just not that into me, I'd rather him never come back to me. I'm done hoping. I hope for nothing, and expect nothing from him. As long as I hold on to hope, I lose. I'm on my own.

[wondering_girl]

hi mimi, let's all stay strong, i'm in the same spot as you are, i've said my peace with my bf and now the ball is in his court, if he decides to work on it and change, then let's do this, but if not, like you said we're on our own...

 

i'm not going to lie it's hard to say i'm not hoping that one day he'll come into his senses but there's also a possibility that they won't be back

 

*hugs*

[ecm]

Mimaaaaaaay- Girl- I thought someone hacked into your account after I just read your last post (answering various quotes/ posts, etc). NICE! Everything will turn out however it's supposed to be. For me, I know how I would LIKE it to "end" but I know that if mine doesn't pull his head out of his butt, my whole life will be the chase. You're/ we're lucky that you've/we've found this advice on here. I can already see a difference in my own outlook compared to past break-ups when I didn't have the opportunity to get so much advice/insight from these WISE ladies and fellas.

[mimiminx]

Mimaaaaaaay- Girl- I thought someone hacked into your account after I just read your last post (answering various quotes/ posts, etc). NICE! Everything will turn out however it's supposed to be. For me, I know how I would LIKE it to "end" but I know that if mine doesn't pull his head out of his butt, my whole life will be the chase. You're/ we're lucky that you've/we've found this advice on here. I can already see a difference in my own outlook compared to past break-ups when I didn't have the opportunity to get so much advice/insight from these WISE ladies and fellas.

 

Ha! It was me who wrote that. Honestly, I'm getting fed up with all this up and down, I wanna get off the rollercoaster. Your simple statement of everything will turn out as it's supposed to be is really the only answer I need to be concerned with. I'm getting better, and thanks to all those here who have given me such great advice and support.

[audrey_1]

That's the key. Getting tired of the rollercoaster and wanting to get off.

[mimiminx]

Listening to Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks album. Heartbreak is the worst.

[harmfulsweetz]

Good for you. It's when we give up hope, do we really learn to let go, and move on to better things.

[mimiminx]

I wouldn't say I've completely given up hope. I'm just not focusing on the hope anymore. I'm just trying to protect my heart.

[WSeeker]

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

— Marcus Aurelius

[mimiminx]

Today, out of the blue, I got a call from a good friend of ours.. he is my guy's close friend from high school, they sailed to Hawaii last year together and we all lived there for most of last year. He recently moved back to Portland and has seen R. I hadn't spoken to him since he left Hawaii, which was a year ago. He said he was really sorry to hear about us, that we were great together, etc. He said that he had a short time to talk to R the other day, and he was shocked to hear that we broke up, what happened? R said that "I just packed my stuff and came up here, we were going to move, I don't know what I was thinking." He said, BELIEVE ME, his heart is with you completely. He said he misses me so much. The friend said that the more time away from me, he's starting to realize what he actually did. He said that R loves me, but he just needed to get away for awhile. R was unemployed since he came back to San Diego in April, and honestly, and all our friends will agree, that he felt bad about himself and he wanted to get his life together, he felt that he was dragging me down, he wanted to give me more because not only did he want to but he knew I deserved it. The friend said that he's really focused on school and work right now, he's DEFINITELY not involved with anyone else, he said that's for sure. He talks about me and told him how much he misses me and loves me. His friend said that they were going to get together tonight so they can have more of a chance to talk. He said that he seems just as confused as I am. I asked him why then, would he risk the chance of losing me if he really loves me? That's a valid question.. he said that maybe he feels unworthy of you right now and he didn't want to drag you down with him. (a lot of people who know him have said the same thing)

As far as our communication problem, it was only part of the reason. His own insecurities and feelings of low self esteem were also a factor. It was like he needed to put the relationship on the back burner and focus on getting himself together again, which is what he's been doing. He actually told me the same thing the first time we spoke after he left.

So now, the friend told me to call him anytime, he'd have a chance to talk to him tonight and we could talk tomorrow if I wanted.

I'm not getting my hopes up here, but it made me feel really happy to hear these things. R has a very hard time opening up and expressing his emotions, he seems to do that easily with me, but the friend said he was gonna try to drag it out of him tonight. This conversation was totally unexpected.

Thoughts anyone?

P.S. Have not spoken to R since Monday. He still makes comments on my FB almost daily though. I haven't called him.. but now I miss him even more! Why are we apart again?

[northstar1]

Today, out of the blue, I got a call from a good friend of ours.. he is my guy's close friend from high school, they sailed to Hawaii last year together and we all lived there for most of last year. He recently moved back to Portland and has seen R. I hadn't spoken to him since he left Hawaii, which was a year ago. He said he was really sorry to hear about us, that we were great together, etc. He said that he had a short time to talk to R the other day, and he was shocked to hear that we broke up, what happened? R said that "I just packed my stuff and came up here, we were going to move, I don't know what I was thinking." He said, BELIEVE ME, his heart is with you completely. He said he misses me so much. The friend said that the more time away from me, he's starting to realize what he actually did. He said that R loves me, but he just needed to get away for awhile. R was unemployed since he came back to San Diego in April, and honestly, and all our friends will agree, that he felt bad about himself and he wanted to get his life together, he felt that he was dragging me down, he wanted to give me more because not only did he want to but he knew I deserved it. The friend said that he's really focused on school and work right now, he's DEFINITELY not involved with anyone else, he said that's for sure. He talks about me and told him how much he misses me and loves me. His friend said that they were going to get together tonight so they can have more of a chance to talk. He said that he seems just as confused as I am. I asked him why then, would he risk the chance of losing me if he really loves me? That's a valid question.. he said that maybe he feels unworthy of you right now and he didn't want to drag you down with him. (a lot of people who know him have said the same thing)

As far as our communication problem, it was only part of the reason. His own insecurities and feelings of low self esteem were also a factor. It was like he needed to put the relationship on the back burner and focus on getting himself together again, which is what he's been doing. He actually told me the same thing the first time we spoke after he left.

So now, the friend told me to call him anytime, he'd have a chance to talk to him tonight and we could talk tomorrow if I wanted.

I'm not getting my hopes up here, but it made me feel really happy to hear these things. R has a very hard time opening up and expressing his emotions, he seems to do that easily with me, but the friend said he was gonna try to drag it out of him tonight. This conversation was totally unexpected.

Thoughts anyone?

P.S. Have not spoken to R since Monday. He still makes comments on my FB almost daily though. I haven't called him.. but now I miss him even more! Why are we apart again?

 

Hmm, Mimi, this rollercoaster doesn't seem to have a stop button does it?

 

Hearing info about an ex (or whatever status you two are) is a double edged sword. Yes, you got 3rd party validation that your ex still cares for you and loves you, and is in some sort of funk, but at the same time that knowledge does nothing to help you find a resolution to your situation. You are still in limbo, yet now with fresh information, which only reinforces your feelings. So, it still doesn't really determine for you what the reason was he left, was it because he felt like he was in a downwards spiral and didn't want to drag you down, or was it because he felt you were smothering him?

 

If I were in your position, I would just be angry to be honest. It would incite me that an ex could make comments on a social network page, but ignore an email. Does he always run away from confrontation or tough decisions in his life? This is rather telling if so about future behaviour.

 

If you did rekindle, what is to say, if the going gets tough again, would he not do the same thing?

 

Whatever his demons are, he clearly doesn't want to face them quite yet.

 

If I were you, I'd ask this guy to stop passing you information. It's reminiscent of grade school and passing messages. I'd accept nothing less than a vis a vis discussion with your ex and if he's not going to man up and do that, then I'd seriously cut off ALL information.

[mimiminx]

So, it still doesn't really determine for you what the reason was he left, was it because he felt like he was in a downwards spiral and didn't want to drag you down, or was it because he felt you were smothering him?

 

I think it was both, he brought up those things when we have talked. I'm going to let him go, I can still love him though.

Of course, I can't really put too much value into what I hear through the grapevine either. I see no problem with him attempting to contact me, as passive as it can be sometimes. I am not angry, just sad. He needs to tell me himself how he's feeling with a conversation. He may or may not be able to do that. I hope he can.

Yes, I agree, that he avoids confrontation sometimes, he's not very good at expressing his feelings, tends to run away from problems, then come back to face them with his tail between his legs. It is something I need to think about. He tends to act quickly and suffers the consequences, normally he's a very methodical, logical person but makes impulsive decisions sometimes that bite him in the *ss.

Anyway, I'm just trying to live my life here without him. Who knows.. I have a lot going on right now and it's best that I just focus on me.

[LostLozz]

Mimiminx, Thanks again for posting on my thread.

 

To answer on your last couple of posts I think that it is great news that you are getting validation from a mutual friend, of R's feelings towards you. This is obvioulsy how he truly feels and knows that he has many issues still racing around in his head before he is in the right frame of mind to really tell you about them.

It is so much easier to discuss your feeelings with someone not involved because there is never going to be any repercussions in telling that person. If he were to express all his thoughts and concerns direct to you, then you are likely to do the one thing that we appear so good at, chasing him all over again.

 

You need to give it time. Give him the space he needs to make himself happy first. After all, there really would be no point in him coming back to you whilst he is still in this frame of mind.

 

R sounds exactly like my man. He has so much going around his head and so much going on in his personal life that I really am the last thing that he needs to worry about. My man needs to be happy in himself before he can be happy with me again, if at all. In the meantime, I am learning about myself too and no matter how much I hate being apart from him, I know that it really was the best thing to do for both of us. I love him deeply and I know he loves me. I put him first and I should never have done that. Now I am learning that I need to love myself before I love others.

 

I truly believe that by me giving him the space that he has been craving for, for so long now, then he will learn to be himself again. He is a confused and lost soul at the moment and no begging to reconsider 'US' is ever going to change it. I just loose all self respect and his respect, if any that remains for me.

 

Communication definately is the key. Don't shut him out, let him adjust as a person and let yourself adjust as a person and see what happens. After all that really is all we can do.

 

I recently went to a clairvoyant for the first time to get some spiritual guidance as nothing else seemed to work. I was told that there was a man in my life and he was standing behind a huge wall. Whatever I did I could just not get to him. I tried climbing over, going around it and even under it. This wall wouldn't budge and the man was not attempting to move either. She described him as a very lost soul and that the weight of the world appeared to be on him. I was told to step away from the wall. Step back and give it time. Then the man eventually and somehow comes to the other side of the wall.

 

I use this image all the time in my NC. I am just stepping away from his walls and giving him time to deal with his problems, but also giving him support when he needs it. There is a difference in boosting his ego and supporting someone when they are in need of friendship and love. This needs to be given in small amounts, however they must also recipocate this too. Everything needs to be 50-50!

[mimiminx]

I recently went to a clairvoyant for the first time to get some spiritual guidance as nothing else seemed to work. I was told that there was a man in my life and he was standing behind a huge wall. Whatever I did I could just not get to him. I tried climbing over, going around it and even under it. This wall wouldn't budge and the man was not attempting to move either. She described him as a very lost soul and that the weight of the world appeared to be on him. I was told to step away from the wall. Step back and give it time. Then the man eventually and somehow comes to the other side of the wall.

 

Amazing you mention this.. seems a coincidence.. I had a dream the other night that I was RUNNING towards an automatic sliding door. Expecting it to open, I was stunned when I ran straight into it and smacked into the glass.

 

I have been up all night thinking. I realize now that my chasing and pursuing him is making him keep at a distance. I have gone for periods of ignoring him, or not contacting him, whatever you want to call it, but as soon as he opens the door, I come charging in, running for the door, only to run straight into it. I am confused as to what to do now, I was thinking about sending him an email I drafted a couple weeks ago saying basically "I accept your decision, everything was beautiful, I cannot be just your friend. I need some some space so I can move on, etc." But then again, I have also been receiving some great advice here from Westrock, saying that communication is important, as long as it's not "pursuing". If I do that, I'm still letting him know that I'm interested.. (which I am of course), but wouldn't it be better if I just cut the cord now before another month goes by and I'm still in the same place?! I'm just wondering what the best approach for me would be.. thinking about it a lot tonight for some reason.

This whole "chase" is very tiring. As soon as I stop chasing, he comes in, then I start chasing, and he pulls away. It really is the dynamic of a lot of relationships, even in breakups I'm learning. We did this whole push-pull dance several times during our relationship (not to this extent) but I learned with him, when I stopped depending on him so much or "needing to know" what he was thinking, and I started relying on my own independence, he came running and would compliment me on it. He was head over heels whenever I did that. Hmmm...

 

I'm up late, can't sleep so will keep writing:

When we first met, I had just come out of a long-term horrible relationship. We really liked eachother, it was magic, electric, intense, everything. I started coming on really strong to him and asked him where this was going. He backed off.. at the time I was on the rebound and he didn't want to be my "rebound man" as he put it. He said that he couldn't continue seeing me anymore like this, although he was extremely attracted to me and he thought I was incredible.. (it was only about a month into dating), but wanted to stay in contact. I pleaded with him to reconsider, told him how I felt about him too and even tried to seduce him a few times but he remained firm in his decision. He backed away. I let up, didn't contact him for a few weeks, then he contacts me and wanted to meet. I told myself that I would be friendly but not pursue him. I didn't. His feelings for me were even more intense after that. We were platonic actually for over 2 months, we were VERY attracted to eachother and it was incredibly obvious. It was torment because we very much wanted to be together, it just wasn't happening. Over those 2 months, I kept at a distance from him, always let him pursue me. I was playing it very cool. He would want to see me more and more and his phone calls and emails were getting really steamy, and it thrilled me but I didn't really play into it, I kept my independence. Those 2 months were torment in a good way I guess... it was like a pot that was on the stove about to boil over. Our feelings for eachother were becoming more and more and reaching the "boiling point".

There came a point where he invited me to a party, and he was just ga-ga over me, I straight out asked him.. "What do you want from me?!" And he was "uh, well.. you know how I feel about you, etc" but nothing decisive. I was frustrated and actually pissed off at that point because it felt like it wasn't going anywhere besides extreme frustration on both of our parts. He drove me home and I said "I can't do this anymore", opened the car door and he pulled me into him and kissed me. I was happy but still confused, thinking "I'm done with this! He doesn't know what he wants!!" But I didn't pursue him. He came at me full force after that, a couple weeks later we were officially a couple. He told me 2 YEARS later, that the way I handled that was perfect and he really admired how I kept my cool. He told me, "you told me how you felt, it really made me think about how I felt about you.. you kept your cool but still let me know you were interested.. it made me realize what I really wanted." (more or less) This has been a pattern. I look back on that time, even though we weren't a couple then... I could learn from that this time. After he told me he couldn't see me anymore but still wanted me in his life, I initially felt rejected, but realized that he was showing me respect because I WAS on the rebound and he didn't want to take advantage of that. So, I was sad for a few weeks, thought I'd lost him but then he comes back around. And I kept it cool in front of him, but to my roomate, i would pace the floor and tell her all about how much torment I was in. I started focusing on myself, still talked to him but never initiated it, got stronger, healed from my last relationship, and didn't pursue him at all. He came running. I acted "aloof" to him but "open" to his pursuits in a way. It was very exciting.. and I'm proud of myself for handling it the way I did. Maybe a lesson for now too...

Of course this time is much different than dating for a month.. we were together for over 2 years, living together, planning marriage and children. But I can't help but think the same thing could apply.. I'm going to sleep on it. The image of me running full force into a door that I assume will open just really hit home for me. Time to stop running towards that door and start walking with confidence and independence wherever I want to go.

[LostLozz]

Mimiminx - I straight out asked him.. "What do you want from me?!" And he was "uh, well.. you know how I feel about you, etc" but nothing decisive. I was frustrated and actually pissed off at that point because it felt like it wasn't going anywhere besides extreme frustration on both of our parts. He drove me home and I said "I can't do this anymore", opened the car door and he pulled me into him and kissed me. I was happy but still confused, thinking "I'm done with this! He doesn't know what he wants!!" But I didn't pursue him. He came at me full force after that, a couple weeks later we were officially a couple. He told me 2 YEARS later, that the way I handled that was perfect and he really admired how I kept my cool. He told me, "you told me how you felt, it really made me think about how I felt about you.. you kept your cool but still let me know you were interested.. it made me realize what I really wanted."

 

OMG!! When he pulled you back and kissed you! It sounds like you two really are very passionate and have such amazing chemistry. I share the same thing with my man.

 

I agree with you and think that you need to do the same as you did all those years ago. Show him that you don't need him to provide your entertainment. You are an independent woman, was before he came along and will be after. This is awful for all of us but hang in there mimi. x