I'm married to a loser

[AprilFool]

Ok, in another thread, I told everyone that my husband "didn't look at porn once" when I asked him not to.

 

Apparently, I was misinformed. My husband would play dumb, like he didn't know the workings of the computer at all. The other day, I changed one of the options on the internet, and I accidently found where he had looked up a porn site. At this time, I had told him that I didn't care if he looked at porn or not, but when I asked him if he'd looked at porn, he said he hadn't. I showed him the proof, so he admitted that he had.

 

After I thought about it, it occured to me that even though I came across where he'd looked it up in yahoo, it wasn't anywhere in the computer history. He had always led me to believe the he didn't know how to delete the history. When I quizzed him on it, he got angry, and said what he looked at was none of my business.

 

I admit that I watch porn movies, and look at Playboy, and I tell him that I do! If he asks me, I tell him straight up that I look at it. It's not a big deal!

 

I don't know if he looked at porn online during the period that I asked him not to or not, because he won't tell me. If I say, "Well, since you won't tell me, I can assume that you looked at it." then he says, "Assume what you want! It's none of your business!"

 

Is it none of my business? I thought married couples were supposed to share everything. Should I be upset? I don't care if he looks at it now, but I'm so mad at him for saying it's none of my business, I'm ready to get rid of the internet!

 

One more thing...if I had any inclination that it would bother him if I looked at porn, I would stop in a second! How come he didn't feel it necessary to pay me the same respect? Am I wrong to think that he should have? After all, he's always telling me, "I'm not you" Should I "mind my own business"?

 

All opinions would be appreciated.

[moimeme]

You are itching to nail him to the wall about this. He knows this and it's making him hostile and defensive. He knows (and you've admitted) that you think you're ok to look at porn but it still bugs you that he does.

 

Besides, if you truly mean this:

 

I'm married to a loser

 

Then you have lost respect for him, and he feels that, too. Frankly, I'm not too impressed with any of this.

 

So keep up this battle for power. It'll likely land you in divorce court, clinging tightly to your 'win'.

 

If you would like to repair the situation, then let the matter drop. Quit haranguing him about it and about how wonderful you are because you admit you like porn. Maybe when he no longer feels backed into a corner, he'll be more cooperative. However, if you don't respect him, do him a favour and leave him. The minimum any person should expect in a relationship with someone who 'loves' them is respect.

[Callisto]

Perhaps he feels as if he is doing something wrong. Did you explain to him that it's not a big deal if he looks at porn, but it is a big deal that he lies to you? When you quiz him he's bound to feel like he is under investigation. I say let it go and pick your battles.

[crazyglue03]

I wonder that even though your husband might not be telling you about every single detail of his day, does that really mean he is a loser as you state in the title? Married couples should share their lives together, but if he's just looking to be curious or whathaveyou, then I don't think it's a huge concern since you did say you also do look and watch porn. Are you sure you're just not looking for a reason to pick a fight with him about it? Has he been secretive before about other things that you found out about?

[AprilFool]

I like the opinions posted. I was hoping that I was wrong to be upset.

 

The reason I had a problem with him looking at porn in the first place is because he lied to me about it.

 

We hadn't been married very long, and I found a postcard for ordering Playboy in with his bills. I asked him if he had a subscription. He said he didn't. Then, when we were on our way to the post office to mail the bills out, I saw where he was mailing in the Playboy subscription. I was suprised, and I said, "Are you ordering Playboy?" He said, "My uncle wants it, but I had the order form, so I'm going to get it for him."

 

Noooooo problem. Then one day I was putting toilet paper in the extra bathroom, and I found where there was a Playboy magazine under the sink! When I confronted him about it, he claimed it was for his uncle. I didn't like him looking at it though, because we were fairly newlyweds, and I was insecure. I got very upset (crying, not yelling) and he promised to never look at naked pictures again.

 

Well, not too much later, my parents gave me a computer that I used to get online and e-mail them. Well, my parents asked me to return the computer if I ever got a new one. When we got our new computer, I was all ready to return the old one to my parents. He came to me, and asked me how to delete the computer history. I didn't know, so I asked a friend at work. Well, when I got into the history, I couldn't believe how much porn he'd looked at. I was devistated that he looked at it, even though he knew that looking at it would bother me.

 

He said that since he knew that I could find out about it, he wouldn't look at it any more. That didn't make me feel much better. Finally, after a couple of months of me exploring porn myself, (to see if it was the big deal that I was making it out to be) I decided that it wasn't a big deal. Therefore, I told him that he could look at it, if he wanted to.

 

Every time the computer gets screwed up, I figure he's looked at porn, because porn sites always screw up the computer. So when the computer got screwed up, I asked him if he'd looked at it, and he said he hadn't. I beleived him. Next thing I know, I accidently come across a site he'd veiwed, and I asked him about it, and he denied it again! Only this time, I knew he wasn't telling me the truth, and I didn't just believe him like before.

 

I got mad at him for lying. Then I decided that maybe he didn't understand that I really don't care if he looks at it, as long as he doesn't lie about it.

 

I sat down, told him I loved him, that I wasn't mad, and that I didn't care if he looked at, just please not to lie to me.

 

Then, when I realized that he had deleted the history, it occured to me that he could've looked at it during the period that I stupidly trusted him not to. He refuses to tell me whether or not he did, so that spells to me that he's been lying to me all along! I CAN'T STAND THE IDEA OF MY HUSBAND LYING TO ME!

 

I don't feel like it's a control thing, I feel like I want to be able to count on my husband to be honest with me about everything. I didn't ask about his looking at porn to trap him, I asked because I was playing with him...you know....picking at him. He picks on me all the time for looking at it, and we laugh about it. I didn't ask to start a fight. When I showed him the evidence, he got mad.....which made me mad! I feel like he doesn't have a right to get angry, when he's the one who lied! All I did was catch him in it.

[Faerie Princess]

You are really married to this issue.

 

There are four problems that I see in these messages.

 

1. The lying.

 

2. Lack of trust

 

3. Need for control

 

4. Communication breakdown

 

You're really mad about a lot of this stuff, but it sounds like he is too. It really sounds like you're not getting through to each other.

 

The question is, what are you willing to do about it? What actions are you willing to take to fix your end of the problems? What changes in your attitude are you willing to take?

 

You say that you don't mind him looking at porn, then why are you still searching for proof he's done it?

 

You want to know why he's lying. That's for him to figure out. I agree that it's a problem, and could lead to bigger ones in the future. But it's his issue to work out more than yours. He's lying for whatever reasons, and he seems to not be sharing that with you. That's what I'd be working to resolve.

 

I'd also say, your grilling him doesn't foster the environment of acceptance and trust. When you give respect it's easier for the other person to come to terms with their own issues. It's also easier for them to treat you with respect.

 

I'd say:

 

Drop the porn issue. Really drop it. Don't give it another thought. Is he losing his job, unable to interact with you, unable to maintain healthy relationships, etc due to it? If not, it's not that much of a problem. Make the shift in your mind that it's no big deal and really go there.

 

Work on some ways to have fights and discussions that nurture your relationship. There's a whole lot of books and probably websites that could help you there.

 

Connect with your husband as a person you love and value, find the things in him that you enjoy, and find some new things in the process. Share and open up with him, focus on making yourself happy and open, and let that spill over into your relationship.

 

Then:

 

If porn is still something you enjoy, and he enjoys, why not enjoy it together? "Hey honey, look at this picture! Oh, how'd your fly get undone? Let me see about helping this swelling go down." Read erotica to each other, what have you. Have fun with it rather than let it put a chink in your relationship.

[wiseOLDman]

I don't think I'd go so far as to suggest that your husband is a "loser," but it sure sounds like he's not the brightest bulb in the pack either. If my wife asked me if I ever looked at porn, I'd have no problem telling her the truth. In fact, the whole Paris Hilton thing hit the news the other day and I told her I had already seen a clip.

 

Now, the lying thing is a problem that you really need to deal with. If he would lie about something so trivial as looking at porn, I'd be concerned that it would be very easy to lie about bigger issues. Faerie Princess lays out some good stuff, take it to heart.

[BadMan]

Help me understand why it's o.k. for you to look at porn but not him?

[midori]

I just read and responded to your other post about your husband's inability to perform in bed... and I think this says it all. Of course he's not going to feel good trying to make love to a woman who thinks he's a loser! Of course he's going to be evasive about his habits if he knows that anything deemed to be out of the ordinary will be grounds for an interrogation!

 

I think couples counseling is sorely needed here. This is not just your husband's problem, I'm afraid. You seem to be very controlling where your husband is concerned, and that's not good for a partnership. Nothing involving two people is going to turn out exactly as it is mapped out in the mind of one person. Sex will not be just the way you've imagined it. Cleaning will not be done just the way you like it. Lots of things will be somewhat or even dramatically different, because there are two minds involved, not just one. Communication is vital, and even more so, sympathy and respect.

[BabyGirl]

I think it makes you feel insecure for your husband to look at porn, and you don't know how to communicate that to him, so you lash out and call him names. It's normal to look at porn within reason...I feel your making a mountain out of a molehill.

[AprilFool]

I never call him names. I was just so agrivated when I posted this thread, that I called him a loser. He's the name caller.

 

I was upset, because I blindly believed in my husband. I even got on here and BRAGGED about what a good honest person he was. Then I find out that he was in fact looking at porn and lying about it when I specifically asked him not to.

 

Why is it ok for me to look at it, but not him? I don't know if it is, but HE doesn't have a problem with me looking at it. I look at it to get tips on how to be sexy and such. I on the other hand feel insecure about him looking at it, so I asked him not to. More importantly, I asked him not to ever lie to me. I asked him in joking if he had been looking at it, and he said no. He deceived me into thinking that he loved me sooooo much that he would give up porn for me. Now I realize that my wishes don't amount to a hill of beans with him. As long as he gets his pleasurse, who cares how I feel and what I want.

 

I would quit doing ANYTHING that he asked me not to do. I feel like I deserve the same respect. I would quit porn in an instant if it would make him stop.

 

I even went above myself, and told him that he could look at it, since he was going to any way, and he STILL lied to me.

[AprilFool]

It's not control....I just don't like the idea of my husband looking at other women. He already won't have sex with me.....him looking at porn just makes me feel like I'm not as good as the women in the pictures, so how can I turn him on?

 

I have sex with, and want to have sex with him any time he wants it....why should he feel insecure about me looking at naked pictures. I can't even turn my husband on by rubbing him....why wouldn't I feel insecure?

 

Hope I made sense.

[WWDDFD]

Originally posted by AprilFool

Ok, in another thread, I told everyone that my husband "didn't look at porn once" when I asked him not to.

 

Apparently, I was misinformed. My husband would play dumb, like he didn't know the workings of the computer at all. The other day, I changed one of the options on the internet, and I accidently found where he had looked up a porn site. At this time, I had told him that I didn't care if he looked at porn or not, but when I asked him if he'd looked at porn, he said he hadn't. I showed him the proof, so he admitted that he had.

 

After I thought about it, it occured to me that even though I came across where he'd looked it up in yahoo, it wasn't anywhere in the computer history. He had always led me to believe the he didn't know how to delete the history. When I quizzed him on it, he got angry, and said what he looked at was none of my business.

 

I admit that I watch porn movies, and look at Playboy, and I tell him that I do! If he asks me, I tell him straight up that I look at it. It's not a big deal!

 

I don't know if he looked at porn online during the period that I asked him not to or not, because he won't tell me. If I say, "Well, since you won't tell me, I can assume that you looked at it." then he says, "Assume what you want! It's none of your business!"

 

Is it none of my business? I thought married couples were supposed to share everything. Should I be upset? I don't care if he looks at it now, but I'm so mad at him for saying it's none of my business, I'm ready to get rid of the internet!

 

One more thing...if I had any inclination that it would bother him if I looked at porn, I would stop in a second! How come he didn't feel it necessary to pay me the same respect? Am I wrong to think that he should have? After all, he's always telling me, "I'm not you" Should I "mind my own business"?

 

All opinions would be appreciated.

 

 

What is his religious background? I'm a former catholic myself, and I would probably end up acting like he did (assuming I looked at porn after you asked; I personally would have followed through on your request though and not looked in the first place, but some guys just don't get enough). As a catholic, I was raised to feel incredibly guilty and shy about things like porn and sexuality; to this day I still can't walk past a victoria's secret without turning my head the other way. It's just the way I am, and the topic is very difficult for me to talk about.

 

Maybe he's just wrapped in a shell still, and you have to bring him out of it.

 

My advice: Don't nag (ie: don't be bitchy about it), because that is the VERY LAST thing any guy wants to hear, and it will probably make him enter his shell even more; doing more damage to your relationship.

 

Hope this helps.

[AprilFool]

It did