Yet another guy stuck in a sexless marriage

[JohnDoe1957]

My wife and I are in our early 50s and have been married for 30+ years. Yep, now we're in the prime menopause years!

 

She's never been overly interested in sex but it really started slowing down 5 years ago. It’s been once a year for the last 3 years and it hasn’t been much more satisfying than an obligatory duty for her. The last 2 times she let me know our “session” (as she calls it) ended by saying “Well, that ought to last you for a while.”

 

A couple of months ago, I steeled myself and tried to talk to her about my feelings. She broke out in tears, denials and accusations. Her biggest argument has been “there’s such a thing as male menopause too.” Maybe so but I am at the peak of my physical fitness. I run and work out several times a week. My health and physical condition are better than most 35 year old males. I definitely don’t have ED, either.

 

I’ve reconciled with myself that she is medically disabled due to her menopause. Her excuses and not being willing to acknowledge we have a problem are causing serious friction. I’m really getting fed up with substituting activities like hiking and exercising for intimacy with my wife but something has to give before I go insane.

 

She has a part time job. We have two kids and everyone shares equally in the household responsibilities. No one has too much or too little to do. I have an excellent job that does not require too much overtime, so I'm home for dinner every night. I make a six-figure salary and we have no financial problems.

 

I'm not into internet porn. Actually, I think most of it looks pretty silly. Strip clubs and phone sex lines are equally ridiculous, especially since nothing is going to happen other than me parting with money and getting nothing in return. I need physical interaction.

 

I’m not into hookers but some of my friends have suggested relieving the stress with discrete online dating services. Most are too afraid of their wives to do anything but talk. A couple of them, however, really swear by it as a sanity saver.

 

Advice?

[angie2443]

You say your health and physical condition are better than most 35 year olds. Well then, divorce your wife and get yourself a younger woman who has years and years before she hits the big M. This would be a lot kinder to both oyou and your wife than seeking an escort service.

[JamesM]

Actually, I disagree.

 

If his wife is not interested in sex yet she likes being married to him for other reasons, (friendship, money, good father, etc.,), then she may not mind if he uses an escort service. Why? Because he gets his sex and she gets her life.

 

The question is...how would she respond if he asked about such an arrangement? Sadly, she may act horrified and demand him to remain faithful.

 

To me it is unfair of a wife or husband to refuse sex to his or her partner while at the same time demanding fidelity. Sex is more than just a release, but yet in the marriage vow, we say we will remain faithful and give ourselves to each other. So, if one person gives him or herself to another, then we call this cheating. However, we do not so quickly call it cheating when one person refuses to give him or herself to the other. Yet that is what it is.

[angie2443]

Why can't he just tell her that if she doesn't have sex with him then he will join an escort service or divorce? It seems quite simple to me. Why the need for him to stay married? If he's getting nothing out of it, he's getting nothing out of it. People should just be honest with each other.

[angie2443]

Actually, I disagree.

 

she may act horrified and demand him to remain faithful.

 

.

 

She can't force him to stay married to her. Why wouldn't he want to get a divorce?

[JamesM]

She can't force him to stay married to her. Why wouldn't he want to get a divorce?

 

Because if everything else is great in the marriage, then dumping his partner of 30 years and dividing the family over sex (because THAT is how his wife would portray it) is not the best alternative. Losing the children is not worth it.

 

Marriage should include sex, and my guess is John would really like great sex with his wife. Yet for some reason, she refuses and worse yet, she refuses to find out why she lost her interest. This hurts the most.

 

Point is...she gets all that she wants from the marriage. He does not. So, if he divorces, then it becomes "You are divorcing me over sex?!?

 

Perhaps she would rather he gets it elsewhere discreetly?

[carhill]

She can't force him to stay married to her. Why wouldn't he want to get a divorce?

They have two kids and he makes a six-figure salary. She'd clean his clock and spit the bushings out for lunch

 

Time for some unilateral action, like calling a MC in. Clear communication is imperative.

 

OP, if you had ED, you'd be off to a doctor to get checked out physically and maybe Rx'd. Menopause is no more of an excuse for a woman. It's just a physical stage of life. Death is a physical stage too. That's coming next. Let's think about enjoying life, shall we? Spend a bit of that good income on a doctor and a MC and get back to us. If she won't co-operate with such reasonable requests, lose her. Life's short.

[mem11363]

First of all this is only partly about sex. My wife and I are both 46, both very fit and passionate and married 20 years.

 

If my wife had her drive completely removed - like maybe she had a hysterectomy and the net result was truly zero drive. Then this is what I would ask her. Can you please - for my health and sanity - for my longevity - have sex with me once a week. I will ensure that it is not "unpleasant" for you - like use lubricant etc. I know what she would say - with utter certainty she would ask me "Is once a week enough"? And I would say it is a compromise and you are kind to ask.

 

The reason I know this is that my wife - who connects with me twice a week, is never aroused when we start, but I would say about 1/3 of the time she is not truly "arousable" - and yet she gladly has sex with me because my happiness is her highest priority other then our children. It is literally that simple.

 

And now I will reverse the playing field. Lets say "my" drive was destroyed - prostate cancer - bad surgical outcome etc. I would offer the exact same conversation in reverse. Doubt she would take me up on anything like weekly - she has a low drive - but I would gladly do it because her happiness is my highest priority - even ahead of the kids.

 

So before I proceed I have just one question for you. You are meeting ALL your wifes needs. ALL of them. Which is terrific. However my question is simple: Are you willing to do things that will upset your wife, to address this situation?

 

If you are - then you can be helped. If you are not, then your only choice is to basically be celibate - which personally I could not live with but to each his own.

 

 

 

My wife and I are in our early 50s and have been married for 30+ years. Yep, now we're in the prime menopause years!

 

She's never been overly interested in sex but it really started slowing down 5 years ago. It’s been once a year for the last 3 years and it hasn’t been much more satisfying than an obligatory duty for her. The last 2 times she let me know our “session” (as she calls it) ended by saying “Well, that ought to last you for a while.”

 

A couple of months ago, I steeled myself and tried to talk to her about my feelings. She broke out in tears, denials and accusations. Her biggest argument has been “there’s such a thing as male menopause too.” Maybe so but I am at the peak of my physical fitness. I run and work out several times a week. My health and physical condition are better than most 35 year old males. I definitely don’t have ED, either.

 

I’ve reconciled with myself that she is medically disabled due to her menopause. Her excuses and not being willing to acknowledge we have a problem are causing serious friction. I’m really getting fed up with substituting activities like hiking and exercising for intimacy with my wife but something has to give before I go insane.

 

She has a part time job. We have two kids and everyone shares equally in the household responsibilities. No one has too much or too little to do. I have an excellent job that does not require too much overtime, so I'm home for dinner every night. I make a six-figure salary and we have no financial problems.

 

I'm not into internet porn. Actually, I think most of it looks pretty silly. Strip clubs and phone sex lines are equally ridiculous, especially since nothing is going to happen other than me parting with money and getting nothing in return. I need physical interaction.

 

I’m not into hookers but some of my friends have suggested relieving the stress with discrete online dating services. Most are too afraid of their wives to do anything but talk. A couple of them, however, really swear by it as a sanity saver.

 

Advice?

[mem11363]

JamesM - you are QFT - quoted for truth

 

I feel exactly the same way. My wife is sexually wonderful which is what gives her the solid ground upon which to threaten my very existence if I ever cheat (never have - scared of my wife).

 

However it is abusive to say: I don't believe sex is important which is why I am not willing to exert myself and give it to you, however even though it is not important, you cannot have it with anyone else. That is a ludicrous position and any spouse who allows their partner to deny them within the marriage and outside the marriage is a coward, a fool or both.

 

 

 

Actually, I disagree.

 

If his wife is not interested in sex yet she likes being married to him for other reasons, (friendship, money, good father, etc.,), then she may not mind if he uses an escort service. Why? Because he gets his sex and she gets her life.

 

The question is...how would she respond if he asked about such an arrangement? Sadly, she may act horrified and demand him to remain faithful.

 

To me it is unfair of a wife or husband to refuse sex to his or her partner while at the same time demanding fidelity. Sex is more than just a release, but yet in the marriage vow, we say we will remain faithful and give ourselves to each other. So, if one person gives him or herself to another, then we call this cheating. However, we do not so quickly call it cheating when one person refuses to give him or herself to the other. Yet that is what it is.

[mem11363]

I doubt a MC is going to do much good. Your wife has been successfully denying you a basic core part of marriage for a LONG, LONG time without any consequence other then a painful conversatino every year or two. She has a killer great deal. She is going to fight tooth and nail to delay, deny, avoid, intimidate her husband into just letting sleeping dogs (in this case a sleeping sex life) lie.

 

The ONLY possibility of change will come if you give her two very stark choices:

- Commit to solving this issue and agreeing to some minimum frequency for sex purely to make HIM happy if it comes down to it OR

- Agree that he will discreetly get his needs met and there will be no further discussions about sex between them, or actual sex between them for the rest of their lives

 

It really is that simple.

 

 

 

 

They have two kids and he makes a six-figure salary. She'd clean his clock and spit the bushings out for lunch

 

Time for some unilateral action, like calling a MC in. Clear communication is imperative.

 

OP, if you had ED, you'd be off to a doctor to get checked out physically and maybe Rx'd. Menopause is no more of an excuse for a woman. It's just a physical stage of life. Death is a physical stage too. That's coming next. Let's think about enjoying life, shall we? Spend a bit of that good income on a doctor and a MC and get back to us. If she won't co-operate with such reasonable requests, lose her. Life's short.

[carhill]

MC can help him see clearly whether he can continue in this marriage in a healthy way or will it break him as a human being. Clarity is the goal, not the marriage continuing, which may or may not be a by-product. It's for his psychological health, since he appears to be the emotionally and physically damaged party here. Healing.

 

So before I proceed I have just one question for you. You are meeting ALL your wifes needs. ALL of them. Which is terrific. However my question is simple: Are you willing to do things that will upset your wife, to address this situation?

This was what MC helped me the most with. Setting clear boundaries and aggressively and unflinchingly defending them no matter how unpleasant it became. I love the courage and resolve I gained from this process. I'm now used to women being mad at me and relish it.

[mem11363]

Well said sir. I agree that MC is a good idea. I also believe that before walking into the MC's office he should explain to his wife what his goals are so that she has time to think about how she wants to participate in the process - or not.

 

For instance - the goal could be "I am going to work with the MC and "you" if you choose to participate, to determine the best means for me to have my sexual needs met. And I am not planning to do that via porn or masturbation"

 

 

MC can help him see clearly whether he can continue in this marriage in a healthy way or will it break him as a human being. Clarity is the goal, not the marriage continuing, which may or may not be a by-product. It's for his psychological health, since he appears to be the emotionally and physically damaged party here. Healing.

 

This was what MC helped me the most with. Setting clear boundaries and aggressively and unflinchingly defending them no matter how unpleasant it became. I love the courage and resolve I gained from this process. I'm now used to women being mad at me and relish it.

[JamesM]

Here is the question....why are HIS sexual needs important to the marriage? Why is sex necessary for the marriage? Is it only because it is a release for him? Or is there more?

 

And these questions need to be answered if the wife is expected to understand how important sex is to HER.

 

It is not all about sex or John would never have posted here. Instead he would have seen his escort or two and discovered that either it was an empty experience....or the feelings that they aroused made him feel like a man again.

 

BUT....he wants that sexual connection with his wife. She is the one who makes him most feel like a man. She makes him feel important. And most of all, there is a connection that grows stronger when two people surrender themselves to each other IN LOVE.

 

That is why he cannot just leave and divorce her.

[carhill]

These comments and issues are why I've mentioned MC versus IC. The OP is apparently still very engaged emotionally with his wife and she needs to be a part of the therapy process. Perhaps they can find some clarity and middle ground and a renewal of appreciation for the love which was there for many years and express it appropriately.

 

Just because my M didn't work out doesn't mean the OP can't find an equitable solution and emotional and sexual health.

 

FWIW, I could have sex any time I wanted it. It was the emotional vacuum that killed my love. No panacea. Hope the OP finds his path

[WalkInThePark]

I will be blunt: divorce her.

Many women your age and younger would be thrilled to meet a fit guy without ED who is still interested in sex.

 

I am not in my menopause yet but there is no way I will accept that this affects my now optimal libido significantly. Sex in a relationship is way too important for me to accept that.

[WalkInThePark]

To those who advice MC: what can MC do when the wife sees sex as a "session". In my opinion this is beyond repair. It means that she has never perceived sex as something that is fun, as something which establishes a connection between her and her husband. She's in her fifties, in order to change her attitude towards sex, she will need years of therapy. Better let her do what most women with that attitude do after menopause: let themselves go physically and become a typical grandmother.

[Gamine]

Sexual avoidance is not the same thing as a low libido. It is a differently thing entirely and while menopause messes a woman up it doesn't necessarily lead to an aversion to being touched. There is something else going on here and it is emotional. She can love you, but the idea of being touched by you probably feels intrusive. The isn't about being defiant or wanting to hurt you. She is probably hurting herself but doesn't understand what is going on inside of herself.

 

I have a theory on your situation. I believe the two of you have blurred your gender roles so much that she is no longer seeing you as a lover. You are dad. You are husband. You are a part of the family unit. You may have morphed into being more of a family member than a man. Think about it. You are a part of the clan... and most of this clan is non sexual.

 

You have to find a way to make her see you differently. You have to stop being neutered outside of the bedroom. Don't let her see you as one of the kids.

 

The guys who resort to online dating services are leading shallow and empty lives filled with nothing except false intimacy. In your case it would be a very dangerous thing to get involved in due to the fact that you are desiring intimacy. You'll only screw your head up. Read up on the subject. Seduce her outside of the bedroom by exerting your masculinity.

[giotto]

I will be blunt: divorce her.

Many women your age and younger would be thrilled to meet a fit guy without ED who is still interested in sex.

 

 

and has a six figure salary...

[giotto]

To those who advice MC: what can MC do when the wife sees sex as a "session". In my opinion this is beyond repair. It means that she has never perceived sex as something that is fun, as something which establishes a connection between her and her husband. She's in her fifties, in order to change her attitude towards sex, she will need years of therapy. Better let her do what most women with that attitude do after menopause: let themselves go physically and become a typical grandmother.

 

it's indeed beyond repair... and even if the frequency increased, they'd still be pity shags... I think the choice is:

 

- divorce

- use an escort with your wife's consent...

[Devil Inside]

Here is the question....why are HIS sexual needs important to the marriage? Why is sex necessary for the marriage? Is it only because it is a release for him? Or is there more?

 

And these questions need to be answered if the wife is expected to understand how important sex is to HER.

 

It is not all about sex or John would never have posted here. Instead he would have seen his escort or two and discovered that either it was an empty experience....or the feelings that they aroused made him feel like a man again.

 

BUT....he wants that sexual connection with his wife. She is the one who makes him most feel like a man. She makes him feel important. And most of all, there is a connection that grows stronger when two people surrender themselves to each other IN LOVE.

 

That is why he cannot just leave and divorce her.

 

Great post. However, because of this he may have to divorce her. Sex is important in a marriage. It helps the bonds of intimacy. I think John should sit down with his wife and tell her again that this is his boundary, they are going to MC, and he is willing to support her in working through this issue....but if she won't work on it...then he is walking to find a woman that will give him 100%.

 

MC is a good idea because this probably runs way deeper than the physical act of sex, and they need someone to untangle that web because their communication sounds stunted...her defense is pretty high around that area.

[Devil Inside]

I also agree with Gamine that using the escort service will only screw with John's head. The one up top...LOL.

[angie2443]

. Sex is important in a marriage. It helps the bonds of intimacy..

 

Sex is important. Many things are important in a marriage. Many things help the bond of intimacy. Is it possible that those other things started to fade before the sex was lost, but the husband didn't take notice because he was bieng taken care of sexually?

 

Anyways, I think this guy just wants sex with younger women and doesn't want to say that directly. He brags about bieng the physical equivalent of a man 20 years younger than himself. He calls his wife phsically disabled (I think that is what he said). He wants others to validate his option of secretly using an escort service. This is, IMO, all this is about.

[Devil Inside]

Sex is important. Many things are important in a marriage. Many things help the bond of intimacy. Is it possible that those other things started to fade before the sex was lost, but the husband didn't take notice because he was bieng taken care of sexually?

 

Anyways, I think this guy just wants sex with younger women and doesn't want to say that directly. He brags about bieng the physical equivalent of a man 20 years younger than himself. He calls his wife phsically disabled (I think that is what he said). He wants others to validate his option of secretly using an escort service. This is, IMO, all this is about.

 

It is entirely possible that he is not giving her some of the things she needs to feel loved and maybe if he did things would change. This is why I, and several others, recommended MC. This runs deeper than just physical issues.

 

It's also possible he just wants to boink younger women. However, I see him trying here to make a connection with his wife...and that won't happen if she isn't having sex with him...seems they are in a stalemate.

[Thaddeus]

He wants others to validate his option of secretly using an escort service. This is, IMO, all this is about.

That's not at all what the OP said.

I’m not into hookers but some of my friends have suggested relieving the stress with discrete online dating services.

(emphasis added)

 

Instead of slamming men who are living in sexless marriages, how about actually offering something constructive?

 

JohnDoe1957, it's extremely common for the low sex-drive partner to accuse the normal sex-drive partner of selfishness and all the rest. (I lived like that too for a long, long time and was on the receiving end of a TON of accusations of selfishness, only wanting sex, etc. etc. It had nothing to do with the truth, of course.) It's a smokescreen to distract from the real problem: her low sex drive.

 

Have you and she considered counselling? And is she under a doctor's care to help her ease this transition into menopause?

[angie2443]

That's not at all what the OP said.(emphasis added)

 

Instead of slamming men who are living in sexless marriages, how about actually offering something constructive?

 

?

 

I did. I suggested divorce. It amazes me how often this advice is discounted.