Yet another guy stuck in a sexless marriage

[Lizzie60]

Men certainly have to step up to the plate and do their part to ensure that their lady feels appreciated, loved and respected. We (men) all know how to do this. Love your woman through the day. Tell her. Show her by doing those non-sexual things that make her feel loved.

 

I agree.. but then.. what if the guy does that and nothing happened.. I bet he will get tired of doing cartwheels in the kitchen after a while.. and he will go get his needs outside..

[JackJack]

Men certainly have to step up to the plate and do their part to ensure that their lady feels appreciated, loved and respected. We (men) all know how to do this. Love your woman through the day. Tell her. Show her by doing those non-sexual things that make her feel loved.

 

I agree.. but then.. what if the guy does that and nothing happened.. I bet he will get tired of doing cartwheels in the kitchen after a while.. and he will go get his needs outside..

 

Then perhaps he is with the wrong person period. Or maybe there is something else he isn't doing? Who knows.

[Thaddeus]

I agree.. but then.. what if the guy does that and nothing happened.. I bet he will get tired of doing cartwheels in the kitchen after a while.. and he will go get his needs outside..

I don't disagree with what you're saying at all, Liz. I've lived it, and I know plenty of men who are living it as well.

 

The rules change. Men are often expected to hit a moving target, in the dark, in the fog, blindfolded.

 

All I'm saying is that men need to take responsibility for their part of the relationship. It's no good to sit on the couch watching sports while wearing a stained t-shirt, drinking beer and passing gas, completely ignoring his wife's needs, and then complain that she's become sexless.

 

At the same time, women need to take their part of the relationship seriously too. That means doing their part to ensure that their man feels respected and loved, which means sex. A man who's sexually taken care of is far more likely to be attentive to his wife's/partner's needs.

 

It starts with sex. All of it.

[angie2443]

these couple should, indeed, divorce, I agree. But often it goes a lot deeper than that. I think that when the husband/wife finally accepts there is a problem, it's too late. The damage is done. Having small children, house, mortgage, full time jobs put a massive strain on the couple. I know, because we are one of these couples. And we lost sight of our problems, we lost the connection.

 

I also know why my wife stopped having sex with me. I hurt her emotionally and she never recovered, she wasn't able to. But I just reacted to a situation I didn't understand and which my wife refused to address also by not talking to me, hiding her head in the sand...

 

I believe that most marriages fail because there is emotional damage and even things like physical repulsion derive from emotional issues...

 

I think you have a good sense of how certain things happened in your marriage. I don't know if you still want to save it, but you seem like a good guy and I hope, if you want to save your marriage, you can. There's an expression that goes, "it takes 10 "at a boys" to make up for an "oh $$i!!"". In our relationship, when my husband and I have a fight or I say something stupid, I make sure to do/say many positive things to make up for it. Both of us try to do these things on a regular basis. It helps buffer the relationship against an "oh $hi!!"

 

As far as life (kids, bills, etc.), getting in the way and causing a couple to loose connection, or distracting a couple from the fact they are loosing connection, I completely get this. In the early years of our marriage, I fell out of love with my husband a few times. I think what saved us is that I told him then and there that I didn't love him. Since I didn't keep quite about it, we were able to work through it.

 

So many things about your post show good insight into your relationship. I think that starting a new thread for yourself might really help you, even if you can't your marriage.

 

.

[angie2443]

See the bolded/italicized part?

 

It's about power. Sadly, sex is often used as a power-play within a marriage. She has something he wants (I don't mean you specifically, Angie2443, I mean this in the general sense of relationship dynamics) and in order for him to get it, he has to conform to some set of rules or manifest certain behaviors in order to get "the goodies."

.

 

This wasn't the best choice of words on my part. I was trying to say, that if I loved my husband, that if I had no ill feelings towards him, then it would be no big deal for me to have sex with him a couple of times a week. I might not be enjoying it, but it would be no sacrifice for me to make him happy in this way. Now, if he had hurt me badly, or if sex was painful for me, then sex would be a huge sacrifice and one I couldn't make.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think the problem goes beyond boredom of the husband or lack of interest in sex. I think these wives are repulsed by their husbands. I think that their husbands make their wives skin crawl. Why this would be, I don't know. Maybe it's resentment built up over the years. Maybe sex has become painful and the women are afraid to speak up about it. When I think of it, even if I had lost interest in sex, if I truely loved my husband and wasn't resentful of him, and his body didn't disgust me in anyway, if sex wasn't painful, then it would be very easy for me to give it to him a couple of times a week.

 

I don't see how a woman could be happy in a marriage in which she is repulsed by the person she is married to. I don't see how a man could be happy with living with a woman who deep down inside hates him. I don't see how children can enter healthy relationships as adults living through any of this. I don't see why these couples don't just divorce.

 

I find the above truly sick and not surprised it comes from a woman:mad:.... Never fails, that a woman would point out that they are repulsed, but the stoopid male can't see that.

 

People fight, don't get along at times, do not measure up in terms of cleanliness, discipline, doing "chores", handling the kids, at work, may put on a few pounds.....

 

I'll say it, that women just don't want to get past things and may shut down for whatever reason, but need to understand that in a marriage you are a team, a couple, one who wants to grow old together. Remember these cases are usually women still wanting to be married.

 

I am incredibly offended by this post!!!

[Lizzie60]

I don't disagree with what you're saying at all, Liz. I've lived it, and I know plenty of men who are living it as well.

 

The rules change. Men are often expected to hit a moving target, in the dark, in the fog, blindfolded.

 

All I'm saying is that men need to take responsibility for their part of the relationship. It's no good to sit on the couch watching sports while wearing a stained t-shirt, drinking beer and passing gas, completely ignoring his wife's needs, and then complain that she's become sexless.

 

At the same time, women need to take their part of the relationship seriously too. That means doing their part to ensure that their man feels respected and loved, which means sex. A man who's sexually taken care of is far more likely to be attentive to his wife's/partner's needs.

 

It starts with sex. All of it.

 

I agree.. in the best of worlds.. everyone has to do their parts..... but it's rarely done in reality and on a long term basis..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

See the bolded/italicized part?

 

It's about power. Sadly, sex is often used as a power-play within a marriage. She has something he wants (I don't mean you specifically, Angie2443, I mean this in the general sense of relationship dynamics) and in order for him to get it, he has to conform to some set of rules or manifest certain behaviors in order to get "the goodies."

 

Thing is, it usually doesn't start out like that, which is why so many men find it troubling that the rules change. In the early part of a relationship, couples enjoy sex with each other because it's pleasurable and strengthens the bond. But soon enough, the rules begin to change and it becomes a power-play.

 

Men certainly have to step up to the plate and do their part to ensure that their lady feels appreciated, loved and respected. We (men) all know how to do this. Love your woman through the day. Tell her. Show her by doing those non-sexual things that make her feel loved.

 

At the same time, women have to do their part as well to ensure that their man feels appreciated, loved and respected. That, for (most) men, means sex.

 

How cliched..... Sorry, I am tired about the stereotype male in an undershirt, guzzling beer with a remote control demanding sex at halftime during the football game..... So contrite.....

 

Let me tell you what happens when sex is withheld or dwindles significantly.... The woman feels pressure to have sex to get it over with and it becomes the elephant in the room as weeks (or months) pass and they know it is coming.... And then the sad news, is that these women usually enjoy it, which I equate to having an orgasm (see Giotto or Lizzie60) yet still are unhappy to have had sex, which confuses me as a male to no end.....

[NoIDidn't]

Thaddeus makes a really good point. No one wants to have sex when they've got the flu, including me. It's especially not the time if someone has something more serious, like being in a serious accident or has just been diagnosed with cancer. That's the time to be supporting and caring of the person you have the relationship with.

 

But if someone is just not interested in having sex for 3 years, shouldn't they at least be open enough to admit there may ... just may ... be a treatable condition?

 

Someone in an earlier post said that men with ED will go for treatment. In my research, I found that endochrinologists DO have treatments that can restore sexual interest in menopausal women.

 

I think you've all helped me finally decide that getting professional guidance is the best thing to do. Maybe if the wife hears it from someone else, she'll take it seriously.

 

I really think that a lot of the sexual issues with a woman that's perimenopausal or menopausal have to do with her hormones and should be treated as illness.

 

If you wouldn't expect someone to have sex when they have the flu, why expect them to when their hormones are causing the issue? Its a valid complaint.

 

And a huge problem is that the medical establishment really doesn't help these women. It won't correctly diagnose thyroid problems. It doesn't consider lack of sex as life threatening and will say "deal with it".

 

What happens when the woman tries to deal with it? Her life falls apart because her H has fallen victim to the 80/20 rule. He let that 20% that the OW provided (sex and passion) override the 80% that his W provided.

 

That said, I do agree with much of what Lizzie has said. Sometimes we just go off of sex with the person we've been with for a long time. No amount of helping around the house will ever change that.

 

I really feel for the women who have valid medical complaints and can't find a doctor that's willing to help increase their quality of life. Sex is a quality of life issue, IMO.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I really think that a lot of the sexual issues with a woman that's perimenopausal or menopausal have to do with her hormones and should be treated as illness.

 

If you wouldn't expect someone to have sex when they have the flu, why expect them to when their hormones are causing the issue? Its a valid complaint.

 

And a huge problem is that the medical establishment really doesn't help these women. It won't correctly diagnose thyroid problems. It doesn't consider lack of sex as life threatening and will say "deal with it".

 

What happens when the woman tries to deal with it? Her life falls apart because her H has fallen victim to the 80/20 rule. He let that 20% that the OW provided (sex and passion) override the 80% that his W provided.

 

That said, I do agree with much of what Lizzie has said. Sometimes we just go off of sex with the person we've been with for a long time. No amount of helping around the house will ever change that.

 

I really feel for the women who have valid medical complaints and can't find a doctor that's willing to help increase their quality of life. Sex is a quality of life issue, IMO.

 

I am getting more and more upset, hurt, confused and frustrated with every response to this thread by the majority of women commenting here.... You know men can just as easily go off sex with the wife, and those that don't resort to affairs, we work through it and focus on all the positives, while the women commenting focus on the negative.....

 

Basically the man is screwed, and too bad, live with it attitude.

[JackJack]

I am getting more and more upset, hurt, confused and frustrated with every response to this thread by the majority of women commenting here.... You know men can just as easily go off sex with the wife, and those that don't resort to affairs, we work through it and focus on all the positives, while the women commenting focus on the negative.....

 

Basically the man is screwed, and too bad, live with it attitude.

 

I'm not sure what it is you're wanting people to say. You seem to have an issue with anything anyone puts on here.

 

Its been said before that it could be a number of things for why people no longer are interested in sex, and yes it could be a man or a woman who has lost that interest, with a number of possibilites why that might be.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not sure what it is you're wanting people to say. You seem to have an issue with anything anyone puts on here.

 

Its been said before that it could be a number of things for why people no longer are interested in sex, and yes it could be a man or a woman who has lost that interest, with a number of possibilites why that might be.

 

I agree. But I think his frustration is with the fact that no one has listed a quick fix for it.

 

There is no quick fix for this issue. Even if it is a medical issue, the mental and emotional issues that the medical issue create will still have to be dealt with.

 

I am dealing with my own issues surrounding sex in my marriage. Not entirely sexless, but no getting all the sex we want either. And we both contributed to it.

 

I wish there was a quick fix too, but there isn't one that doesn't lead to more problems than the ones you started with.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'm not sure what it is you're wanting people to say. You seem to have an issue with anything anyone puts on here.

 

Its been said before that it could be a number of things for why people no longer are interested in sex, and yes it could be a man or a woman who has lost that interest, with a number of possibilites why that might be.

 

But when it is the man going off sex, there is a societal backlash by both women and men saying that it is wrong and that it is unacceptable.

 

I simply get frustrated when women make excuses as to why it happens, which often includes blaming the man. Remember the OP, these are often posted by men, where the woman does not want a divorce/separation or to address the issue, just want no/little sex.....

[JackJack]

But when it is the man going off sex, there is a societal backlash by both women and men saying that it is wrong and that it is unacceptable.

 

I simply get frustrated when women make excuses as to why it happens, which often includes blaming the man. Remember the OP, these are often posted by men, where the woman does not want a divorce/separation or to address the issue, just want no/little sex.....

 

No not all the time. There have been times where a man has lost interest in sex, and advice has been given about what it might could be as well. Medical issues, or any other issue. Most of the possibilities that people have listed here for why a woman isn't interested can also be applied to why a man might not be as well.

 

As far as sometimes the woman blaming the man. Well, SOMETIMES that very well could be the case. For example, if I beat the crap out of my wife I have no right to stand back and wonder why it is she doesn't want to have sex with me or feel close to me. I'm not saying thats the case for everyone because its not, just an example. We don't know why or someone might have had hand in it, and had played in helping the woman lose her interest, if thats the case for some. The same for men, some have been known to blame the woman for the man losing interest.

 

Bottom line, blame gets no one anywhere. It takes the focus off the real issue and then nothing ever gets delt with.

[JamesM]

I think what you are saying is.....

 

This is how the question is most always phrased:

 

If the marriage is sexless and the woman doesn't want sex, then what is the man doing wrong?

 

If the marriage is sexless and the man doesn't want sex, then what is the man doing wrong?

 

Rarely do we (and yes, I include myself) read such a thread as this and say, what should the woman be doing differently? And if we do, then it has the caveat of either she still has a reason or the man is still somehow responsible.

 

No matter how it comes out, the man is the one who needs to change, or at the very least he needs to understand his wife's lack of interest in sex and accept it like a man.

 

Leaving a marriage and divorcing a wife because she has no interest in sex is never acceptable. If I split the family over the lack of sex, then no one....and I mean no one... would say, "James, that is the best thing for your family. You did the right thing." Instead, I would be looked upon as selfish and worthless. No one would ask my wife why she "cheated" me out of sex even though she also pledged to be faithful to me...which includes giving of herself sexually to me, as I am expected to give myself emotionally only to her.

 

Yet if I were to get into an affair and as a result, my wife (who has said that she has no interest in sex and I may as well go elsewhere) divorces me because I cheated, then everyone would sympathize with her as a victim and say, "Good job. Kick the cheating bast*rd to the curb!" I highly doubt that anyone would say, "Oh, James must have had a reason. What did you do wrong?"

 

That is what is so frustrating.

[JackJack]

I agree. But I think his frustration is with the fact that no one has listed a quick fix for it.

 

There is no quick fix for this issue. Even if it is a medical issue, the mental and emotional issues that the medical issue create will still have to be dealt with.

 

I am dealing with my own issues surrounding sex in my marriage. Not entirely sexless, but no getting all the sex we want either. And we both contributed to it.

 

I wish there was a quick fix too, but there isn't one that doesn't lead to more problems than the ones you started with.

 

I understand, and you're right, there is no quick fix. That's why people who aren't getting their needs met in one way or the other, at some point will have to weigh their options and see what they feel they need to do, since there is nothing they can do about the other person anyway.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

No not all the time. There have been times where a man has lost interest in sex, and advice has been given about what it might could be as well. Medical issues, or any other issue. Most of the possibilities that people have listed here for why a woman isn't interested can also be applied to why a man might not be as well.

 

As far as sometimes the woman blaming the man. Well, SOMETIMES that very well could be the case. For example, if I beat the crap out of my wife I have no right to stand back and wonder why it is she doesn't want to have sex with me or feel close to me. I'm not saying thats the case for everyone because its not, just an example. We don't know why or someone might have had hand in it, and had played in helping the woman lose her interest, if thats the case for some. The same for men, some have been known to blame the woman for the man losing interest.

 

Bottom line, blame gets no one anywhere. It takes the focus off the real issue and then nothing ever gets delt with.

 

A man loses interest it is usually a medical condition or they are turned off by their spouses looks plain and simple (and then they are viewed as shallow), or finally are predisposed to not being monogamous and cheat.... Again I am being blunt.

 

Not a single person who has posted here sounds like a unfeeling slob, who is not attentive to their spouses need. Again that is conjecture. Respond to the points in the posts, not the cliched (there's that word again) the man is not pulling his weight....... This is about the woman, if what we read is honest, I hate to say.

 

We already know, short of cheating, a woman does nothing wrong to turn her husband off sex (with the caveat that she has maintained her appearance over the years).... Again I am being shallow.....

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm wondering what level of participation would be acceptable for men in this situation. Would it be enough for your wives to just make themselves "available" for sex but without the enthusiasm that they had earlier in the relationship? There has been much discussion about responsibility and vows here - would you be satisfied if her involvement sexually was simply of this type and would just the effort on her part be enough ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackJack]

"If the marriage is sexless and the woman doesn't want sex, then what is the man doing wrong?"

 

"If the marriage is sexless and the man doesn't want sex, then what is the man doing wrong?"

 

Hopefully the people who see it this way only, will at some point change their way of thinking, and know it's not always "what it is the MAN is doing wrong." But yes, it does appear to come across that way more, in these threads. BUT thats why I have said what I've said, its NOT always what the MAN has done wrong. SOMETIMES it is, and SOMETIMES it might be what the woman has done wrong as well.

 

And, sometimes it might not be what either part has really done, but more of just they are no longer compatible sexually perhaps. Or they just lost the interest for whatever reason, period.

[JackJack]

A man loses interest it is usually a medical condition or they are turned off by their spouses looks plain and simple (and then they are viewed as shallow), or finally are predisposed to not being monogamous and cheat.... Again I am being blunt.

 

Not a single person who has posted here sounds like a unfeeling slob, who is not attentive to their spouses need. Again that is conjecture. Respond to the points in the posts, not the cliched (there's that word again) the man is not pulling his weight....... This is about the woman, if what we read is honest, I hate to say.

 

We already know, short of cheating, a woman does nothing wrong to turn her husband off sex (with the caveat that she has maintained her appearance over the years).... Again I am being shallow.....

 

I get what you're saying. Refer to my post I just made in reference to James above. If you don't get where I'm coming from , then its ok, continue to run with what you're saying.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm wondering what level of participation would be acceptable for men in this situation. Would it be enough for your wives to just make themselves "available" for sex but without the enthusiasm that they had earlier in the relationship? There has been much discussion about responsibility and vows here - would you be satisfied if her involvement sexually was simply of this type and would just the effort on her part be enough ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Doubt it any man would really go for this. My H wouldn't. And neither would I. Part of the joy of sex is responding to each other.

 

But that's just my two cents. I wonder what the others think.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm wondering what level of participation would be acceptable for men in this situation. Would it be enough for your wives to just make themselves "available" for sex but without the enthusiasm that they had earlier in the relationship? There has been much discussion about responsibility and vows here - would you be satisfied if her involvement sexually was simply of this type and would just the effort on her part be enough ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Speaking only for myself, it probably wouldn't be enough. When I make love to my wife, I want to feel loved and desired. If those elements aren't present, if it's just some form of pity sex, and it happens consistently, I think I'd rather do without. At least from her.

[JamesM]

I'm wondering what level of participation would be acceptable for men in this situation. Would it be enough for your wives to just make themselves "available" for sex but without the enthusiasm that they had earlier in the relationship? There has been much discussion about responsibility and vows here - would you be satisfied if her involvement sexually was simply of this type and would just the effort on her part be enough ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, but....if a woman loves her husband as she says she does, or rather if my wife says she loves me as she says she does, then giving of herself may not be as fun, but yet out of love, she would want to please me. While this is not nearly as satisfying as when it is mutual pleasure, yet it does say that "While I cannot get into it as I did, I love you enough to at least keep you satisfied."

 

With this kind of sexual intimacy, at least I could say that she loves me and is trying. When she says that she no longer wants sex, then IMo she is saying, "I no longer really love you, because your needs mean nothing to me."

 

She does not get it.

 

I am expected to enjoy listening and sitting down with her to hear how her day went and to listen to her problems because this is a good way to bond and build the emotional connection that she "needs" (her word) to stay close to me. Yet she does not feel that same desire to fill my need for the physical connection I need for staying close to her.

 

I think that is what really frustrates and hurts most men in a sexless marriage. His needs are not considered important enough. And consequently, his wife is saying that she loves him....just not in the way that he wants it.

[mem11363]

Reading some of these posts is aggravating. When there is supposedly a "medical" issue preventing sex the following is true:

- Either the partner with the problem is proactively, on their own initiative making every effort to resolve it via doctors/medical assistance OR

- They are not - and if NOT almost for sure because they are using it as an excuse to not have sex

 

This is true for both men and women.

 

REAL medical problems that prevent sex are almost non-existent. They may reduce "intercourse" or prevent intercourse - but not some type of sex.

 

I KNOW my wife had sex with me last night because she loves me deeply. And I know that is why she made it good for me. I would bet my house on THAT. Did SHE have a good time? Sadly I don't know. I know she says she did. Seemed like she did. Claimed that she "finished". I know I try my best to make it great for her. But I don't KNOW that it is and would not even bet my old car on it. My opinion is that in a marriage, you can better tell how much a woman loves you - then how much she desires you.

 

 

 

 

 

I understand, and you're right, there is no quick fix. That's why people who aren't getting their needs met in one way or the other, at some point will have to weigh their options and see what they feel they need to do, since there is nothing they can do about the other person anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

No, but....if a woman loves her husband as she says she does, or rather if my wife says she loves me as she says she does, then giving of herself may not be as fun, but yet out of love, she would want to please me. While this is not nearly as satisfying as when it is mutual pleasure, yet it does say that "While I cannot get into it as I did, I love you enough to at least keep you satisfied."

I understand and agree with what you say, but in this case perception is the biggest part of the battle. While some guys may be thinking that they're telling their wife that they miss the intimacy, what the wife may hear is that they're missing the orgasm. Big difference between the two within the context of "love"...

 

Mr. Lucky