Yet another guy stuck in a sexless marriage

[mem11363]

OUCH. This is an artifact of sharing an "outlier" story. Still that hurts. Love, honor, respect, worship my wife. You can say/think/believe I have done "something" disrespectful - but not that I don't respect her. That is a much bigger statement.

 

Still - it caused me enough anxiety to prompt a brief discussion with wife about my adventures in JKT, and KL. She said the main thing to her was that I drew the line short of any direct sexual contact. She rolled her eyes at the inner thigh caressing stuff and said as long as they don;t cross that line - and she shrugged. And I admitted in is flattering even for someone I don't know, to make the effort to pleasure my body with a great massage.

 

Apparently my 20 years of high fidelity behavior gets me some slack in the gray zones.

 

 

You have no respect for your wife:(.

[mem11363]

Mr Lucky Strikes -

 

Best question of the night Sir. I have pondered this for 1.5 years now. This is what I would say:

- Go enjoy, play have fun

- Return and tell me what I / we /you could do in our marriage to strengthen it?

- What can we do in our marriage - to reduce/eliminate our desire to return to these places

 

 

While I doubt this is true, Mem would you be OK if the roles were reversed? Your W at a high-end spa in Vegas, getting an opposite sex massage from some young hunk that's giving her everything but direct sexual contact. That would be OK with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Back to the OP please...... Massages, happy endings, crossing blurry lines, seems like a post to be put up on it's own and I promise you they'll be no easy answer.

 

I guess my view is if you can't submit it to your insurance company for reimbursement it crosses the line. Conversely no happy ending and done fully clothed.

 

I'd quit worrying about it mem and keep your mouth shut in the future.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mem- in reading your posts you seem like a level headed guy that loves his wife and really "gets" relationships. However if I were your wife I would have a total problem with these massages.

 

Are they naked or clothed? If they are naked that is the part I would have a problem with.

 

I don't mind a strip club visit (although my husband has never gone) and I don't mind porn as long as he's not viewing it instead of being with me intimately. But yeah, I'd have a problem with these massages.

 

I'm 100 percent certain that my husband would have a problem with some young muscular hunk giving me a naked massage as well.

 

IMO, you really need to stop doing that. It's too tempting and you're putting yourself into a very bad position.

[giotto]

such a level-headed guy and such a faux pas...

[Lizzie60]

If I had to pay someone to get next to me it would make me feel like less than nothing. So where's the validation? Where's the rush? Where's the satisfaction?

 

Different strokes for different folks..

[giotto]

If I had to pay someone to get next to me it would make me feel like less than nothing. So where's the validation? Where's the rush? Where's the satisfaction?

 

believe me, when things go wrong in a marriage, you try and get all the gratification you can, even by paying for it! I even looked into it at some point, but I could never do it...

[JamesM]

If I had to pay someone to get next to me it would make me feel like less than nothing. So where's the validation? Where's the rush? Where's the satisfaction?

 

I think I would disagree. As Charlie Sheen said, you pay someone so they go home afterwards. But to the point. What validation is there in a ONS? What validation do you seek...."I love you?" When you "pay" someone with a dinner and a night out, then all you get is a reward in return. Just because someone is paid to do something does not mean you do not get complete satisfaction, does it?

 

I know what you are saying, but from what I read of guys who have mistresses and secret lives, this alone gives a rush albeit a different one than what is experienced by love.

 

And if the one you love no longer wants to validate you via sex, then what? And if divorce, what effect will that have on your future belief in the validation of another?

 

Different strokes for different folks..

 

Totally agree.

 

believe me, when things go wrong in a marriage, you try and get all the gratification you can, even by paying for it!

 

Truth. When you are hungry and the steak is no longer available, then hamburger tastes incredibly delicious.

[Snowflower]

So JamesM and Giotto, let me ask you a question and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But I am very, very curious (being a woman) what you plan to do with about your basically sexless marriages.

 

Do you plan to eventually divorce your wife once the kids are older? Will you actually wait until the kids are older or decide to bow out before they are 18 while remaining involved in their lives. I'm not bashing you, honestly!

 

Will you find someone else to meet your needs, i.e. an affair or a 'paid professional'? What will you do if the opportunity for a sexual relationship (outside of your marriage) presents itself?

 

Will you stay faithful to a marriage that is not meeting your needs, even if you might otherwise think your wife is a great person, besides the lack of sex?

 

I'm just really curious and I won't bash any answer that you wish to post here and of course, you don't have to answer. I was also involved in a passionless marriage and I know what happened to mine.

[JackJack]

I'm sure that these women who can "help" out these men in these sexless marriages must feel proud and take great pride in knowing they can do something so worthy.

[JamesM]

So JamesM and Giotto, let me ask you a question and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But I am very, very curious (being a woman) what you plan to do with about your basically sexless marriages.

 

James here. I have no problem with these questions because I ask them of myself. I am not sure that I have answers yet but I will try.

 

Do you plan to eventually divorce your wife once the kids are older? Will you actually wait until the kids are older or decide to bow out before they are 18 while remaining involved in their lives. I'm not bashing you, honestly!

 

Currently as I sit here, I have zero plans to divorce ever. My heart breaks for the kids to be without a family united. And I can say that truly everything else in our marriage is satisfactory enough that divorce is not an option. Divorce means no solution will be found. As long as we are married, there is a possibility even if I feel no hope anymore.

 

Will you find someone else to meet your needs, i.e. an affair or a 'paid professional'? What will you do if the opportunity for a sexual relationship (outside of your marriage) presents itself?

 

These are questions I ask of myself. An affair seems the worst possibility because then I will for certain develop feelings for someone else and the marriage will be over. A "paid professional" is an option only because there are really no other options besides an affair or doing nothing.

 

If an opportunity arises, then I am not sure what I would do. Hopefully, I would be strong enough to stay out of an affair. And only because I know that it would not remain physical. Once it becomes an affair, then the thrill of someone else would overshadow anything my marriage could offer, and all of the good I see in my marriage would disappear. Sadly, the new person would probably not be the better choice in the long run.

 

So, my point is... my children are my over riding reason for staying and still possibly working at what is missing...even though she said that she would rather not have sex and if it is that important to me, then I should find it elsewhere.

 

Will you stay faithful to a marriage that is not meeting your needs, even if you might otherwise think your wife is a great person, besides the lack of sex?

 

Currently, yes.

 

I'm just really curious and I won't bash any answer that you wish to post here and of course, you don't have to answer. I was also involved in a passionless marriage and I know what happened to mine.

 

No offense taken, and any feedback here or via PM is always appreciated.

[Lizzie60]

I think I would disagree. As Charlie Sheen said, you pay someone so they go home afterwards. But to the point. What validation is there in a ONS? What validation do you seek...."I love you?" When you "pay" someone with a dinner and a night out, then all you get is a reward in return. Just because someone is paid to do something does not mean you do not get complete satisfaction, does it?

 

I know what you are saying, but from what I read of guys who have mistresses and secret lives, this alone gives a rush albeit a different one than what is experienced by love.

 

And if the one you love no longer wants to validate you via sex, then what? And if divorce, what effect will that have on your future belief in the validation of another?

 

 

 

Totally agree.

 

 

 

Truth. When you are hungry and the steak is no longer available, then hamburger tastes incredibly delicious.

 

 

Maybe you have minute steak at home.. but you might have filet mignon outside..

[blair08]

I think some people find it hard to believe that there are men (and women) who will sometimes stay in a sexless marriage, and not stray. I do think it can happen though. Just like there are some women and (men) who stay without other needs being met as well and do not stray.

[Snowflower]

Thanks for your reply, JamesM and thanks for your honesty.

 

I will respond via PM.

[giotto]

So JamesM and Giotto, let me ask you a question and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But I am very, very curious (being a woman) what you plan to do with about your basically sexless marriages.

 

Do you plan to eventually divorce your wife once the kids are older? Will you actually wait until the kids are older or decide to bow out before they are 18 while remaining involved in their lives. I'm not bashing you, honestly!

 

Will you find someone else to meet your needs, i.e. an affair or a 'paid professional'? What will you do if the opportunity for a sexual relationship (outside of your marriage) presents itself?

 

Will you stay faithful to a marriage that is not meeting your needs, even if you might otherwise think your wife is a great person, besides the lack of sex?

 

I'm just really curious and I won't bash any answer that you wish to post here and of course, you don't have to answer. I was also involved in a passionless marriage and I know what happened to mine.

 

well, my situation is quite complex and I can't answer right now... I will ASAP...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am married and may be we have sex 10 time in 10 years

it is documented that married couple

first year lovers

second year friends

third year cousins

forth roommates

fifth and after two strangers under same roof

I posed as a woman in a dating site and I got about 200 responses from

married guys and their sad stories about their marriage and sex lives.

 

And how is that acceptable or okay unless a medical condition? How many people would read LS and ever get get married?

[angie2443]

I think there might be a troll on here, but I can't quite tell. I know there are a couple of grumpy of men on here, though.

[mem11363]

As for "how can you enjoy it if you are paying for it"? Hmm - lets see. When wife and I got married she said - I will be a stay at home mom. I said - no you will work I don't want to be sole breadwinner - too scary.

 

She said - we will make it work I am good with budgeting - and I will make your life a living hell if you don't - that is a paraphrase but an accurate one. So for 19 years that was our deal - then she volunarily took over running a business we own last year. But for 19 years do you think it was a "factor" in how much sex, and how great she made sex for me. It definitely was. My wife was not and is not materialistic. She wanted a good earner so she could be a full time mom which was a job she worked very hard at and did very well. And she also wanted to be able to provide the kids music lessons, good quality medical care etc. All part of being a good mom. So have I been paying her for sex? Kind of. Because I think if she had been the full time wage earner and me the sahm, there would have been a lot more nights where she said, I am tired.

 

So back to my full body massage. The girl doing that was very focused on giving me a killer massage. And teasing me as well. Yes I was paying her. So what. I could tell she wanted to please me and that felt nice. What did I feel for her when she was done? Simple gratitude. It was nice. Did it effect my marriage. Not in any way.

 

I think women are "wired" to expect to be rewarded in some way for sex. For my wife, that is a complicated thing. She won't let me give her oral even though she almost always gives to me - she was "fine" with it until after our second child and then suddenly no more. She does not care about "things" so I cannot buy her arousal in a store. I have to accomplish it by having conflict that she is aware of - and that I do well in. Or by being really clever/smart in a conversation with her, or by fixing something at home (which is sadly a rare thing for me - not so handy) or by being really charming and funny - which is a skill I have honed over 20 years of practice.

 

As for an affair. I have zero desire for one. But I think that the men on here who say "my marriage is great except for the sex" are confused. I am dead certain that if my wife said, no more sex with me, please get that one piece of the puzzle from someone else, that I could stay married, still love her, still be affectionate and fun and funny and engaged, and ALSO have a mistress who I had sex wtih and was emotionally attached to.

 

Men are wired to be able to love multiple women at once. We just get programmed to shut that part of us down, which is fine if we have a good mate.

 

 

huh???????????

[giotto]

So JamesM and Giotto, let me ask you a question and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. But I am very, very curious (being a woman) what you plan to do with about your basically sexless marriages.

 

Do you plan to eventually divorce your wife once the kids are older? Will you actually wait until the kids are older or decide to bow out before they are 18 while remaining involved in their lives. I'm not bashing you, honestly!

 

Will you find someone else to meet your needs, i.e. an affair or a 'paid professional'? What will you do if the opportunity for a sexual relationship (outside of your marriage) presents itself?

 

Will you stay faithful to a marriage that is not meeting your needs, even if you might otherwise think your wife is a great person, besides the lack of sex?

 

I'm just really curious and I won't bash any answer that you wish to post here and of course, you don't have to answer. I was also involved in a passionless marriage and I know what happened to mine.

 

ok... I was in a sexless marriage and we separated because of this... then we compromised to once a week to keep the family together... so, there's hope... it's actually more once every 10 days, but I'm happy with it (getting old... ).

 

As far as divorcing my wife when the kids are older, I might do that. I don't know yet. I don't think I can forget the pain I've been through and I also know that my wife is not that in love with me. I know she cares for me, but she has admitted that it's not like it was anymore... well, this has shocked me and made me fall out of love with my wife... it's been a slow process, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't bear the thought of being with a woman who doesn't love me for the rest of my life, although she is a nice person and a great mother...

 

BTW, I would never cheat on her... and I haven't been with anybody else even when we separated.

[Mr. Lucky]

just because you feel you need to mount your spouse every day doesn't mean everybody else does

god gave us brain and sexual desire and we as human supposed to use our brain to control our animalistic

desires

Stuck, I'm confused. Are you an advocate of marriage or celibacy, assuming they aren't the same thing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RedDevil66]

goodness, 14 pages of men defending their needs to cheat.

 

I've said this so many times, the #1 reason women turn off from their husbands is because their husbands are a turn-off. Instead of looking for easy sex, why not use that energy to re-invent yourself so your wives want to jump your bones.

 

Women are turned on through their brains, don't ya know!

[jj33]

Glacier paying is also for guys who want no fall out. Guys who want sex and dont want to risk having that person causing trouble in their otherwise neat little lives.

 

Its not always a case of having lost it. Maybe some guys have so much of it that the women who are attracted to them pose a danger of wanting more of them than the men want them to have. Did you ever consider that?

[mem11363]

I agree this is often the case. I notice lots of subtle body langauge from my better half regarding my behavior sometimes positive others negative. I definitely shape my behavior from that. But I don't mean I am conflict avoidant since that is a real turnoff in a man (IMO).

 

Still - if I ask my wife a straight question: Is this or that a turn on/turn off, she will give me an honest answer. I think a lot of the folks in sexless marriages get totally stonewalled.

 

 

 

 

goodness, 14 pages of men defending their needs to cheat.

 

I've said this so many times, the #1 reason women turn off from their husbands is because their husbands are a turn-off. Instead of looking for easy sex, why not use that energy to re-invent yourself so your wives want to jump your bones.

 

Women are turned on through their brains, don't ya know!

[JamesM]

Glacier, I understand what you are saying, but jj33 has a point, too. Men don't always pay because they cannot get a mistress or lover. As I said earlier, men pay women for sex so that the women go home when it is done. In other words, while affairs provide sex, they also provide problems.

[Lizzie60]

I agree that hiring can be just about the money.. but you're talking about 'street prostitution'... they never get the same guy.. they are into drugs.. and booze... They don't even know the guys.. and most of these guys (who hire them) are 'morons' anyway..

 

But for others, it's a lot different.. they see the same guys for years.. they develop a very strong emotional bond for each other.. it's not love.. but it's very close..

 

There are no alcool or any drugs involved... these women are clean... have good jobs (sometimes) ... are seeing very successful businessman or professionals (lawyers, doctors, etc.) who just don't want to get involved with someone who might fall for them and cause them or their family.. trouble.. they want to see the woman on very short notice.. cause they have busy lives.. these guys don't go for 'street' low-class prostitutes..

 

There are no commitment involved.. and there will never be.. that's clear from the start and that's exactly what both parties want... just plain hot sex...