Yet another guy stuck in a sexless marriage

[Lizzie60]

It's actually men who are usually on the receiving end of a sexless relationship. Your situation doea happen but it is different from the norm.

 

Totally agree with you..

[Lizzie60]

Well, you sure described my reality here.

 

Lizzie, sure enough, I was never severely beaten. For those who suffered that, they might have a different take on it.

 

I have never ever been beaten .. except for one time, my last ex.. who poked me in the ribs.. he bruised me..

 

I will never ever tolerate ANY physical harm from ANY men.. If I do .. it will be the first and last time.. for him... it was for my last ex..

 

But if someone is not happy in a relationship.. they can leave.. but to be physically abusing someone is a different 'match' all together.. IMO.

[Lizzie60]

That is so difficult for me to understand, why women would not want sex with their men. Are we women so different that some of us like sex and some don't? Is it that simple? To me sex is such a major component of a relationship, it is incomprehensible to me that any women would want to live without it.

 

I believe you are single now ... Would you think the same way if you were with the same guy for 20+ years.. maybe not...

 

Most women I know, who have been with their spouse for a long time.. have absolutely no desire to have sex .. ever.. they would be satisfy with sex once a year..

 

BTDT... with my first ex.. since I've been single.. I want sex every freaken night.. go figure..

[Woggle]

My in laws have been married for a long long long time and they are like a bunch of rabbits. When I was over there last Christmas they took quickie breaks.

[jennie-jennie]

I believe you are single now ... Would you think the same way if you were with the same guy for 20+ years.. maybe not...

 

Most women I know, who have been with their spouse for a long time.. have absolutely no desire to have sex .. ever.. they would be satisfy with sex once a year..

 

BTDT... with my first ex.. since I've been single.. I want sex every freaken night.. go figure..

 

My in laws have been married for a long long long time and they are like a bunch of rabbits. When I was over there last Christmas they took quickie breaks.

 

Lizzie, I was with my ex SO for 25 years and I still loved the sex - when he would give it to me. Actually, the last 5 years with him our sex life even improved. He has a wonderful body, I never stopped desiring him.

 

That is what I have such trouble understanding, that it seems to be common for women to stop wanting to have sex. At least my ex was scrEwed up in his head when it came to sex, but these women who are ordinary women, how can they live without sex? Guess I must be of a different kind than they are.

 

My first SO had a wonderful attitude towards sex. We were both young and his attitude rubbed off on me. He taught me that sex was fun, to shred my inhibitions and just enjoy sex and my own body. Perhaps this early experience of sex taught me to value sex and crave it as a vital part in a love relationship.

[jennie-jennie]

I have never ever been beaten .. except for one time, my last ex.. who poked me in the ribs.. he bruised me..

 

I will never ever tolerate ANY physical harm from ANY men.. If I do .. it will be the first and last time.. for him... it was for my last ex..

 

But if someone is not happy in a relationship.. they can leave.. but to be physically abusing someone is a different 'match' all together.. IMO.

 

There is also a vast difference between not being happy in a relationship and being emotionally abused in it. At least in my case the refusal of sex and other kinds of physical affection was part of the emotional abuse.

[giotto]

This is about parasitically consuming a weaker partner over a long period of time for your own advantage. This is about deception and outright lying. This is the ultimate "long con".

 

 

This sounds like a Strindberg's play...

[jennie-jennie]

Those who do enjoy the other aspects of the relationship which benefit them and find other outlets for intimacy. IME, it's much easier for a woman to seek out and find intimacy, both with other women as well as men who would like to get into her pants, regardless of marital/relationship status.

 

Absent medical issues, IMO, a woman who does not desire sex with her partner simply does not desire her partner anymore. He has become a friend; a friend who helps support the family and who hopefully co-parents children. This is the female version of male compartmentalization.[/QUOTE]

 

I wonder if you are on to something here. If I was this woman, I would move on. Never would I accept a relationship where I did not desire my partner.

 

It must be that to many women the other aspects of a relationship outweigh the lack of sex. That could never be the case for me.

[giotto]

Absent medical issues, IMO, a woman who does not desire sex with her partner simply does not desire her partner anymore. He has become a friend; a friend who helps support the family and who hopefully co-parents children. This is the female version of male compartmentalization.

 

I agree with this as well... the wife's desire for her man has gone, wife and husband are just friends and stay together for the family... this situation is very common... I'm in one of them...

[jennie-jennie]

I agree with this as well... the wife's desire for her man has gone, wife and husband are just friends and stay together for the family... this situation is very common... I'm in one of them...

 

So we have female compartmentalization, but I believe there are also women with low sex drives. My MM knew this was an issue already when he got married. I can't believe his wife's desire for HIM was gone already at this point in time, it must be that she just never had a strong desire for sex. What do you think?

[giotto]

So we have female compartmentalization, but I believe there are also women with low sex drives. My MM knew this was an issue already when he got married. I can't believe his wife's desire for HIM was gone already at this point in time, it must be that she just never had a strong desire for sex. What do you think?

 

well, there are indeed also women with low sex drives... I can only speak about my situation... I believe my wife lost the desire for me after about 10 years (5 dating + 5 of marriage)... her libido disappeared. There were also medical conditions (which she still has... well, she is a nutcase... ), but I'm sure that, if my wife would remarry, with a guy she really fancied, even with her medical problems, she would have sex every day, again, because she enjoys sex. It's just I'm not that desirable anymore to have sex with me that often... actually, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have sex with me at all... she even proposed a sexless marriage at one point...

[jennie-jennie]

"Plus, there are TONS of guys out there with women who have very little interest in sex - it would be kind of a waste of your sex drive to be with a guy who wasn't interested..."

 

I just found this in an old post by orangehose. Wow, it sure describes my life. I wish these people with low libidos would keep to each other. Maybe we need to teach our children how important it is that you are sexually compatible with your partner, that your sex drives are about as strong. I learnt that the hard way.

[giotto]

I'm still learning... Somebody asked me (can't remember whether on this thread or another one) why I'm on LS if I've had all my questions answered... the truth is I'm learning everyday and I've learned a huge amount on relationships on this site... has been a real eye-opener!

[EmmaLou]

I'm a 24 year old, healthy woman and I unfortunately lost my sex drive for about 6 months this year. I love sex, I love the closeness it brings, the pleasure, sweating bodies thrusting together mmm everything... yet something more powerful than my love of sex just took my drive completely.. the contraceptive pill! The little pill that should mean you get to enjoy lots of carefree sex, but it takes away any sexual feeling, which is contraception in itself! I was depressed, sad, angry, without sex... Once I'd realised what was causing it, I came off it and my mojo (hehe) came back a few days later and hasn't left since. I never want to put another hormone in my body... the withdrawal method suddenly looked like the gold pot at the end of the rainbow.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I just wanted to bring in the perspective of a female who had lost their drive.. Something inside me really missed sex, but my body and mind wouldn't work together to make me want it. Everytime my partner touched me, it felt uncomfortable, where it used to make me shiver and tingle with desire. Some of the males here say their wives should compromise and have sex when they're not in the mood... Whilst I do think you definitely shouldn't have to live without sex for the rest of your lives, having sex when your mind and body aren't 'there' feels horrible. I just couldn't get aroused at all, and lubrication didn't help. This then put me off having sex as it hurt. Thankfully my guy never pressured me (his drive isn't very high) so I never felt like he had sex with me despite it being horrible for me. When my partner talked about it, I felt ashamed and so depressed with myself so I'd get a little defensive... similar to when a man had ED. Thankfully there was an easy solution for me, I'm so sorry there doesn't seem to be anything obviously wrong with your wives.

 

There's so much working against female sexuality that I'm amazed we want sex at all, you poor men! The whole victorian attitude of women aren't supposed to like sex, "lie back and think of england", the crass way alot of men talk about women, being thought of as loose and promiscuous if you have a few partners, the way hormonal contraception messes with your body and mind, perfect airbrushed sexualised women on billboards and adverts everywhere, women being degraded in porn, being made to feel like a hole, religious upbringing, women in tribal countries having their vaginas dried out and clitoris removed so they don't enjoy sex, parents telling you sex is something you do to please your man, pressure to do the lewdest acts.... It takes an amazing man to make you blank all this noise out and just enjoy your sexuality.

 

You men who post here, sound like you do everything possible to make your wives/partners feel sexy, comfortable, looked after... you've explored all avenues... you lighten her load so she isn't exhausted all the time. I really can't fault you, and feel sad for you when I read your posts.. I can see you love your women. But you don't deserve to live in a sexless state for the rest of your lives. We only have one shot at life on this earth, enjoy every minute... don't get to 90, look back and regret not living life to the full.. which includes having plenty of something that is so natural. I think you need to get tough, and threaten divorce/seperation. If this doesn't work, your women have obviously made their minds up beyond the point of no return, and don't want their desire back. If children are stopping you leaving... My dad didn't have sex with my mum for 10 years, it caused a lot of arguments, when they divorced I was a much happier child as they were both happy and positive to be around, and got on much better as they were friends. You might be down at first but will be happy again eventually... don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

 

I hope everyone here finds the right answer..

[giotto]

great first post, EmmaLou... you sound a lot more mature that your 24 years of age...

 

I threatened to leave my wife and she was prepared to comrpomise.. she cares a lot about me and the family, so she got her **** together and made an effort... unfortunately, the whole sex palaver has ruined our relationship and, although we get on fine and we don't argue, I don't expect I will stay married to her after the last child leaves the nest... at 46, I'm not getting any younger...

[EmmaLou]

great first post, EmmaLou... you sound a lot more mature that your 24 years of age...

 

I threatened to leave my wife and she was prepared to comrpomise.. she cares a lot about me and the family, so she got her **** together and made an effort... unfortunately, the whole sex palaver has ruined our relationship and, although we get on fine and we don't argue, I don't expect I will stay married to her after the last child leaves the nest... at 46, I'm not getting any younger...

 

Hi Giotto, thankyou... I've been reading for a while and following the threads with interest.

 

It's nice that you do get on well, so the time you have left with her isn't unpleasant and unbearable. You can still have some happy years together even though there's an expiry date to your relationship.

I strongly believe that people can be as sexual or asexual as they like, kinky or vanilla, monogamous or ploygamous, aslong as it's mutual and no-one is compromising so much that it feels like they're being cheated. For example, my boyfriend is happy with twice a week, I would like it every other day... but I can easily cope with his preference, as the rest of the time I get a lot of affection.

I do realise it would probably be different for a man though, you're running on the both great and evil testosterone! The hormone that has caused man to kill, rape, fight when suppressed.. to mess with your head and cloud your thoughts... it must be hard to function when it's not released.

[R3stless]

Interesting comments - I am a 51 year old very happy divorcee. My xh cheated on me after 20 years marriage (sexless towards the end). I accept my role in the breakdown of the marriage, but I lost respect and desire for him after the first few years of marriage. The man had so many unresolved issues from his childhood and his parents that my love for him was never going to be compensation enough. Our marriage seemed to be one drama after another but I stuck by him, but piece by piece each drama took the love away. We had three children and I was determined to keep the marriage under any condition. He had an affair with an office co-worker and left after about a year. He was brutal when he left and projected all his guilt onto me. He was extremely angry towards me and the children. He got his divorce and married her two months after the divorce. I have no idea if he is happy and couldn't care less now. Sex with my xh was on his terms only and even then it wasn't often.

 

I have been with my current lover for 4 years and we still can't get enough of each other. He is 58 and we have sex virtually every day and are in sexual paradise. I have always loved sex, and my lover and I have explored alot on our sexual journey and there is so much more we want to do, but when we get in each other's arms - well you can fill in the blanks:love: The passion is hotter and stronger now than when we first started. Where we can, we take the day off work and spend the whole day in bed making love.

 

I suppose what I want to say is that if the chemistry is right, you will never be able to keep your hands off each other. With hindsight, I recognise that I never had that chemistry with my xh, and my lover never had that with his xw. Maybe it comes back to the popular saying "he/she is just not that into you". Perhaps its time to cut your losses and find someone out there who you are truly connected to. Life is too short!!

 

I give thanks to my xh every day because if he hadn't left I would have been trapped in a loveless and sexless marriage - YIKES!!

[mem11363]

EmmaLou - I read your post with amusement. My wife is like you, she understands the power of testosterone so she is happy to compromise on frequency. I am the "high drive" spouse.

 

For me, physical hunger and sexual hunger are similar. My desire level for both steadily rises - and both are more "fun" the longer I wait. However - like being overly hungry for food - when I get overly hungry for sex I start to become more irritable. This is not a deliberate thing, it it just a basic reflex.

 

Is this true for women also? Does your desire for sex steadily grow the more days you have not had it? Like for me I would say I hit peak desire level by day 5 (I am 46), so on day 5 or day 10 it is about the same - tremendous - incredible - like having filet mignon after fasting for a full day. In my late twenties the peak desire level would kick in after one day, but I don't miss those days as the mismatch in desire levels caused my wife to resent being pressured to have way more sex then she wanted. She did it - to keep the peace - but it made her love me a lot less then she would have otherwise. I truly wish I could go back and do things over again. I would do them differently.

 

Now - we are both happy with twice a week and there are rarely any feelings of resentment either way.

 

 

Hi Giotto, thankyou... I've been reading for a while and following the threads with interest.

 

It's nice that you do get on well, so the time you have left with her isn't unpleasant and unbearable. You can still have some happy years together even though there's an expiry date to your relationship.

I strongly believe that people can be as sexual or asexual as they like, kinky or vanilla, monogamous or ploygamous, aslong as it's mutual and no-one is compromising so much that it feels like they're being cheated. For example, my boyfriend is happy with twice a week, I would like it every other day... but I can easily cope with his preference, as the rest of the time I get a lot of affection.

I do realise it would probably be different for a man though, you're running on the both great and evil testosterone! The hormone that has caused man to kill, rape, fight when suppressed.. to mess with your head and cloud your thoughts... it must be hard to function when it's not released.

[EmmaLou]

EmmaLou - I read your post with amusement.

 

Amusing in the good way I hope...

 

 

My wife is like you, she understands the power of testosterone so she is happy to compromise on frequency. I am the "high drive" spouse.

 

For me, physical hunger and sexual hunger are similar. My desire level for both steadily rises - and both are more "fun" the longer I wait. However - like being overly hungry for food - when I get overly hungry for sex I start to become more irritable. This is not a deliberate thing, it it just a basic reflex.

 

Is this true for women also? Does your desire for sex steadily grow the more days you have not had it? Like for me I would say I hit peak desire level by day 5 (I am 46), so on day 5 or day 10 it is about the same - tremendous - incredible - like having filet mignon after fasting for a full day. In my late twenties the peak desire level would kick in after one day, but I don't miss those days as the mismatch in desire levels caused my wife to resent being pressured to have way more sex then she wanted. She did it - to keep the peace - but it made her love me a lot less then she would have otherwise. I truly wish I could go back and do things over again. I would do them differently.

 

Now - we are both happy with twice a week and there are rarely any feelings of resentment either way..

 

I like how you have described that, it's a good analogy. I definitely can't speak for all women, but for myself, my desire doesn't grow each day I'm not having sex. It doesn't cloud my thoughts and I don't get frustrated. I just have a moment where I look at my partner, and want to seduce him right then... then see if he goes with it or isn't up to it. I don't feel frustrated if it's a "no" because I can get out of the frame of mind quickly, and I know it will be a "yes" in the following days. I don't feel that urgency to scratch that itch, but I know there is an itch there.

 

Me being the higher drive partner works for us, but I can totally see how it's far harder when it's the male. Not only is testosterone very powerful and consuming, you don't know when you're going to get that "yes". Although from reading your posts Mem, you and your wife have a good thing going on..

 

I do wish male and female hormones were more balanced, it would make things much easier. I remember hearing about a transexual (lady to a man) and when she was pumped with testosterone, she/he was perving on everything that moved and she was so shocked... but got a great insight into why men behave the way they do.

[mem11363]

Amusing in a very good way.

 

>>>>>>>>

My somewhat "cave man" like behavior regarding sex was tiresome to my wife until she learned that I don't react badly to being denied sex, I react badly to being rejected. Those can easily be two totally different things. I am fine with being told "not tonight dear" since I know that I am a sexual priority to her. We would never have stayed married if she had been the type of wife who said "not tonight, and not until some random date in the future when I am in the mood".

 

I have also pointed out to her that my super high testosterone level is largely responsible for our lifestyle. And she gets that. I told her - you want a lion in the executive suite and a lamb in the bedroom rent a movie. Real life doesn't work that way.

 

 

 

Amusing in the good way I hope...

 

 

 

 

I like how you have described that, it's a good analogy. I definitely can't speak for all women, but for myself, my desire doesn't grow each day I'm not having sex. It doesn't cloud my thoughts and I don't get frustrated. I just have a moment where I look at my partner, and want to seduce him right then... then see if he goes with it or isn't up to it. I don't feel frustrated if it's a "no" because I can get out of the frame of mind quickly, and I know it will be a "yes" in the following days. I don't feel that urgency to scratch that itch, but I know there is an itch there.

 

Me being the higher drive partner works for us, but I can totally see how it's far harder when it's the male. Not only is testosterone very powerful and consuming, you don't know when you're going to get that "yes". Although from reading your posts Mem, you and your wife have a good thing going on..

 

I do wish male and female hormones were more balanced, it would make things much easier. I remember hearing about a transexual (lady to a man) and when she was pumped with testosterone, she/he was perving on everything that moved and she was so shocked... but got a great insight into why men behave the way they do.

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting comments - I am a 51 year old very happy divorcee. My xh cheated on me after 20 years marriage (sexless towards the end). I accept my role in the breakdown of the marriage, but I lost respect and desire for him after the first few years of marriage. The man had so many unresolved issues from his childhood and his parents that my love for him was never going to be compensation enough. Our marriage seemed to be one drama after another but I stuck by him, but piece by piece each drama took the love away. We had three children and I was determined to keep the marriage under any condition. He had an affair with an office co-worker and left after about a year. He was brutal when he left and projected all his guilt onto me. He was extremely angry towards me and the children. He got his divorce and married her two months after the divorce. I have no idea if he is happy and couldn't care less now. Sex with my xh was on his terms only and even then it wasn't often.

 

I have been with my current lover for 4 years and we still can't get enough of each other. He is 58 and we have sex virtually every day and are in sexual paradise. I have always loved sex, and my lover and I have explored alot on our sexual journey and there is so much more we want to do, but when we get in each other's arms - well you can fill in the blanks:love: The passion is hotter and stronger now than when we first started. Where we can, we take the day off work and spend the whole day in bed making love.

 

I suppose what I want to say is that if the chemistry is right, you will never be able to keep your hands off each other. With hindsight, I recognise that I never had that chemistry with my xh, and my lover never had that with his xw. Maybe it comes back to the popular saying "he/she is just not that into you". Perhaps its time to cut your losses and find someone out there who you are truly connected to. Life is too short!!

 

I give thanks to my xh every day because if he hadn't left I would have been trapped in a loveless and sexless marriage - YIKES!!

 

R3stless, I am so happy everything worked out so well for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I recognize myself in it a lot. I am 50 and have also moved on from a partner not so compatible with me to a very compatible partner. We are also on our fourth year with incredible sex.

 

I agree with you that sometimes it is time to move on. We have only one life, why should we spend it in a marriage/relationship where neither of us can be truly happy.

 

It is very helpful to read the story of someone who shares one's own experiences. It makes you stronger in your beliefs and interpretations of your reality.

[mem11363]

Lizzie says that it is not that the women dislike sex. Not at all. It is that they are totally not into their current partners. Clearly very true for both of you. Thanks for sharing.

 

 

R3stless, I am so happy everything worked out so well for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I recognize myself in it a lot. I am 50 and have also moved on from a partner not so compatible with me to a very compatible partner. We are also on our fourth year with incredible sex.

 

I agree with you that sometimes it is time to move on. We have only one life, why should we spend it in a marriage/relationship where neither of us can be truly happy.

 

It is very helpful to read the story of someone who shares one's own experiences. It makes you stronger in your beliefs and interpretations of your reality.

[jennie-jennie]

Lizzie says that it is not that the women dislike sex. Not at all. It is that they are totally not into their current partners. Clearly very true for both of you. Thanks for sharing.

 

Oops, mem, you forgot that I was the partner who did not get enough sex. My ex was most likely not enough into me, and also had personal issues when it came to sex, thus the incompatability.

 

My new partner and I are very compatible. What turns us on the most is our desire for one another. He loves that I love sex, and I love that he loves sex. He needs a woman who desires him and his body. I need a man who desires me and my body. We are just a sexual match made in heaven.

[JohnDoe1957]

Interesting comments - I am a 51 year old very happy divorcee. My xh cheated on me after 20 years marriage (sexless towards the end). I accept my role in the breakdown of the marriage, but I lost respect and desire for him after the first few years of marriage. The man had so many unresolved issues from his childhood and his parents that my love for him was never going to be compensation enough. Our marriage seemed to be one drama after another but I stuck by him, but piece by piece each drama took the love away. We had three children and I was determined to keep the marriage under any condition. He had an affair with an office co-worker and left after about a year. He was brutal when he left and projected all his guilt onto me. He was extremely angry towards me and the children. He got his divorce and married her two months after the divorce. I have no idea if he is happy and couldn't care less now. Sex with my xh was on his terms only and even then it wasn't often.

 

I have been with my current lover for 4 years and we still can't get enough of each other. He is 58 and we have sex virtually every day and are in sexual paradise. I have always loved sex, and my lover and I have explored alot on our sexual journey and there is so much more we want to do, but when we get in each other's arms - well you can fill in the blanks:love: The passion is hotter and stronger now than when we first started. Where we can, we take the day off work and spend the whole day in bed making love.

 

I suppose what I want to say is that if the chemistry is right, you will never be able to keep your hands off each other. With hindsight, I recognise that I never had that chemistry with my xh, and my lover never had that with his xw. Maybe it comes back to the popular saying "he/she is just not that into you". Perhaps its time to cut your losses and find someone out there who you are truly connected to. Life is too short!!

 

I give thanks to my xh every day because if he hadn't left I would have been trapped in a loveless and sexless marriage - YIKES!!

 

 

... to take 2 steps forward. I'm very happy it has worked out so well for you. It sounds like you've got a nice life together. I'm a bit curious about your login name, though.

[R3stless]

Hey JohnDoe - it doesn't mean anything - it was one I used to use and I always found it hard to come up with a name that hadn't been used so I have kept it and same password - makes it easier to remember things as I get older