Yet another guy stuck in a sexless marriage

[Lizzie60]

How can a wife honestly object to an affair when she truly does not want sex with you anymore? It seems hatefully selfish.

 

 

I smile at this statement ... it is by far the 'truest' thing I've heard on LS in a long time.. soo sooo true..

[Lizzie60]

Last summer wife had an "inflammation" lasted 2+ months.

 

Another 'excuse' women use to avoid sex.. llloooong menstruation... My MM's wife (from work) has 3 weeks of period every month... has been like that for years... but she refuses to see the doctor about it..

 

Yeah right.. give me a freaken break... she uses her period to avoid sex.. if she really wanted to seek help .. she would have... but nope.. she totally refuses to see a doctor..

 

Then, other times, she has a vaginal infection... then it's a urinary infection.. then it's...., and so on.

 

She told my MM.. 'this is personal, this is MY body.. if I want to see a doctor, it's MY decision'... well.. guess what.. he's not arguing about it anymore.. no more nagging.. he comes over and we f* like monkeys..

 

The sad part is that a LOT of women use their period to avoid sex.. I know.. I've used that too to avoid sex with my 1st ex... the best part.. is that men have no way to know if that's true or not..

 

And the 'sadest' part is that those same women would cry and blame their husbands for cheating.. how hypocritical.. and SELFISH like mem said..

[LucreziaBorgia]

Some women just go off sex, and are perfectly happy living a married life without it. It is hardly unusual, and it is damned unfortunate.

 

They don't need therapy. They don't have health problems. They simply don't feel the need or see the importance for sex in long term relationships. They honestly and sincerely do not see why their husband's can't just 'forget about sex' and be happy like they are. I don't think it is vindictiveness, just a complete lack of understanding. They see themselves as having a perfectly happy marriage, and would be perfect if not for their husband and his pesky 'wanting sex'. So, they see sex as the enemy. If it weren't for that, everything would be perfect. See the horrible logic in that?

 

When the men want sex knowing that the wife doesn't, they feel that the husband does not love them. They only love sex. She wants to be loved, without having to have sex in order to be loved.

 

It is a vicious, ugly circle. It makes me sad to see how many men and women are with asexual spouses, and have no easy ways or means to leave.

[RedDevil66]

This thread proves my theory about men.

 

To the poster, be a man, tell her you're leaving and leave and go have your affair.

Cheating = to doughbaggery!

[Devil Inside]

This thread is really scaring me. I hope my sexual relationship with my wife doesn't dry up to this point. I am already struggling with her not being freaky enough...and being attracted to what she does offer.

 

John Doe...I feel for you my brother.

[JohnDoe1957]

This thread proves my theory about men.

 

To the poster, be a man, tell her you're leaving and leave and go have your affair.

Cheating = to doughbaggery!

 

Discrete liaisons and divorce are options of last resort. I'm not ready to dump the whole relationship just yet.

 

The first step would be for her to at least acknowledge that it's a problem that affects both of us. As long as she ignores it and goes about the daily tasks of life, nothing will get resolved. Unresolved problems tend to fester until one day there's a huge blow up over someone leaving the cap off of the toothpaste.

 

I'm taking the atypical route of actually trying to fix the problem rather than fix the blame. Does railing against men's egos really help?

 

There's also a lot of truth to the saying "Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned" (not from Shakespeare but from William Congreve, 1697). Neither gender is squeaky clean when it comes to the depths they'll stoop to when they feel they've been wronged by their partner.

 

Thanks for the input but I'm still hoping to salvage the relationship.

[mem11363]

Have "men" generally treated you poorly? You refer to the man "leaving/divorcing" and then you still describe his behavior as having an affair.

 

Do you truly believe that if a man considers the lack of sex important enough to end a relationship, that by doing so that means he is a shallow/pig/bad person?

 

Because I think you are perhaps not hearing the distinction we are making. A genuine illness is one thing. But the "never ending" list of excuses that are used simply to avoid admitting you "don't want sex" - that is totally different.

 

My wife offers me sex almost nightly. LOL. She thinks it is part of her "job" to give me sex. If I think she is not into it for any reason - see sample list below, I smile tell her that maybe tomorrow we can connect and that I LOVE her. And then I proceed to make the effort to be a little extra nice because her offer was sincere and I am greatful for her kindness in reaching out to me when she really does not feel like it. The fact that she offers makes me feel very nice, loved. THAT is more important to me then an orgasm. And some weeks we connect twice, some three times and some once. But she makes sure my fragile sexual ego does not get bruised just like I comfort her emotionally whenever I see her in pain. But if I thought she was always making excuses - because she was sexually averse to me - we would be in MC, I would be sharpening my masculine edge daily, and this "problem" yes it IS a problem would be getting addressed.

 

And just to make the point clear at risk of being obnoxious. I absolutely feel totally entitled to having a sex life. Hundred percent entitled to it. Just like she is entitled for me to be monogamous which I have been for 20 years.

 

 

This thread proves my theory about men.

 

To the poster, be a man, tell her you're leaving and leave and go have your affair.

Cheating = to doughbaggery!

[JohnDoe1957]

I have no argument about the sickness thing. Hey, when I'm under the weather, I'm not interested in sex either. (Fortunately, I'm "disgustingly healthy" according to my doc, so I only get ill very rarely.)

 

It's when one party continually gets turned down, over and over and over again, without reason that it becomes selfish.

 

Was your partner being selfish when he wanted sex when you were sick? Well, I wouldn't use the term 'selfish,' but I would suggest that his timing probably wasn't very good.

 

But having needs is not selfish, whether those needs are sexual or emotional or anything else.

 

Would it be appropriate, then, by your logic to assume that when you have emotional needs, they too are selfish?

 

Why is it that if a man has sexual needs that aren't being met by his partner, he's selfish, but it's if a woman has emotional needs that aren't being met by her partner, that's different?

 

 

Thaddeus makes a really good point. No one wants to have sex when they've got the flu, including me. It's especially not the time if someone has something more serious, like being in a serious accident or has just been diagnosed with cancer. That's the time to be supporting and caring of the person you have the relationship with.

 

But if someone is just not interested in having sex for 3 years, shouldn't they at least be open enough to admit there may ... just may ... be a treatable condition?

 

Someone in an earlier post said that men with ED will go for treatment. In my research, I found that endochrinologists DO have treatments that can restore sexual interest in menopausal women.

 

I think you've all helped me finally decide that getting professional guidance is the best thing to do. Maybe if the wife hears it from someone else, she'll take it seriously.

[So Lonely]

I will be blunt: divorce her.

 

I disagree. What this couple is going through is completely normal and caused by hormone differences between the sexes. This couple should read the book "The Female Brain" by Dr. Brizendine and they will both be willing to compromise and be less harsh on themselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

When I was sick, I was not having sex with my boyfriend, and while being sick, I hit premenopause, was I being selfish not wanting to have sex? Nope!

He was being selfish wanting sex.

No, you're not selfish for not wanting sex. But IMO, it's selfish to (within certain reasonable parameters) deny your partner on an ongoing basis. I've had my own health issues that have similarly affected my libido. Doesn't mean I can't please my spouse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

Some women just go off sex, and are perfectly happy living a married life without it. It is hardly unusual, and it is damned unfortunate.

 

They don't need therapy. They don't have health problems. They simply don't feel the need or see the importance for sex in long term relationships. They honestly and sincerely do not see why their husband's can't just 'forget about sex' and be happy like they are. I don't think it is vindictiveness, just a complete lack of understanding. They see themselves as having a perfectly happy marriage, and would be perfect if not for their husband and his pesky 'wanting sex'. So, they see sex as the enemy. If it weren't for that, everything would be perfect. See the horrible logic in that?

 

When the men want sex knowing that the wife doesn't, they feel that the husband does not love them. They only love sex. She wants to be loved, without having to have sex in order to be loved.

 

It is a vicious, ugly circle. It makes me sad to see how many men and women are with asexual spouses, and have no easy ways or means to leave.

 

 

LB, this statement describes my wife exactly. She has said these words almost exactly. While she didn't say sex was the enemy, she did say that we can be completely happy without it. And of course, that is because she is.

[giotto]

yep, my wife proposed a sexless relationship to me some months ago and could not understand why I refused... it says it all...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I disagree. What this couple is going through is completely normal and caused by hormone differences between the sexes. This couple should read the book "The Female Brain" by Dr. Brizendine and they will both be willing to compromise and be less harsh on themselves.

 

 

1 X a year is ok and normal!!!!!! I am terrified when I read this along with the following posts about women complaining or considering a marriage strong and good if it wasn't for their pesky husband's wanting to have sex.

 

Again I go back to the question, how much sex are we talking about these sexually frustrated men wanting???? Usually it is no more then probably 1X/wk (3/4 X's a month).... And most of these men report the spouse likes sex and all works (i.e. that terrible orgasm is achieved).

[Juniper22]

It seems there are right many sexless marriages. Its sad to hear about so many.

 

However, I sometimes wonder what exactly may cause them. I would assume there could be a number of things. From medical issues, to psychological. You never know why some people might not enjoy or want sex as much as the other person. Maybe there was some kind of abuse in the marriage, emotional, physical, mental, verbal etc. I mean don't get me wrong, I do believe people come here frustrated looking for answers, and that they are pretty much telling their side, and probably pretty truthful, although some may be crying out they are the victim of not getting any sex, when we may in fact not know the rest of the story for why that might be.

 

I do not believe that people just wake up one morning and say or think, "Hey I don't really want sex as much I used to." Somewhere along the way there is an underlying reason for this. I also think it takes two. I do think there are times when a wife or husband has done all they know how, and the other person just will not come around sexually. If you all have been to therapy, and tried it all to see whats going on and its not working, then make a decision.

 

Kids, house, money, and other things will usually be the real deciding factor as to stay or not. I don't really know what to tell people who are in a sexless situation. Other than weigh your options. If you feel its a fixable situation, then work together and try to fix it, get to the root of why things might be the way they are.. If not, and its a deal breaker then presenting that to their spouse is an option. I see so many people just saying, "She's just become cold, and frigid. She just doesn't want sex anymore! Or, he's just that way." Like I said, I don't believe people wake up and just decide to be that way. I say look at the whole picture, weigh your options, and make a decision. Life is to short for you to be unhappy sexually, just like life is to short for the other spouse to feel the way they do too.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just want to point out something for all of those thinking about getting a "girlfriend" on the side for the sex their wives won't provide.

 

Here is the problem with that deal. You're in this marriage- and your wife has sexually starved you for years.

You haven't eaten in weeks and she's standing in front of you with all your favorite foods on a tray but she won't give it to you.

 

Along comes Mistress. She has this tray full of food and she will willingly give you anything on that tray that you want.

 

You haven't had your primary emotional need met in a long time. Mistress starts to meet that need. Suddenly because you haven't had that need met in a long time- mistress looks pretty good. Then she looks even better- because she's fufilling those emotional needs that you haven't had met in a long time.

 

Basically you can end up falling in love with the mistress and end up divorced in the long run anyway.

 

So why not divorce on the front end and go out and find the sex you want?

[Juniper22]

"So why not divorce on the front end and go out and find the sex you want?"

 

Why would they do that? They are having their cake and eating it to. They are getting their side dish of sex, all with the comfort of their home life, kids, other material things, perhaps their meals cooked, and clothes washed. Etc. To them they justify it as the ideal life as long as they can get away with it.

 

I'm all for divorce if a person isn't happy and its just not working. But alot of people wont do that. To many other factors play a part, IMO.

[Lizzie60]

"So why not divorce on the front end and go out and find the sex you want?"

 

Why would they do that? They are having their cake and eating it to. They are getting their side dish of sex, all with the comfort of their home life, kids, other material things, perhaps their meals cooked, and clothes washed. Etc. To them they justify it as the ideal life as long as they can get away with it.

 

I'm all for divorce if a person isn't happy and its just not working. But alot of people wont do that. To many other factors play a part, IMO.

 

I agree with this.. why would they do that.. they're happy... life is good.. in most cases, they only need the sex.. everything else is great..

 

It's something else when the WS falls in love with the OP.. or is miserable in their M.

[Lizzie60]

I don't think that there is always a physical or psychological reason for the W to withhold sex..

 

it's just happens over the years.. it's like the example of the tray of food... when you eat the same food over and over.. you get tired of it..

 

I think there only one reason in most cases : BOREDOM.. the same positions... in the same order.. in the same bed.. with the same person..

 

You know what they say: women need a reason to have sex... men only need a place..

[giotto]

there is obviously some emotional reason, here... the problem is finding this reason and resolve the problem. In my experience, emotional scars never heal...

[Lizzie60]

there is obviously some emotional reason, here... the problem is finding this reason and resolve the problem. In my experience, emotional scars never heal...

 

That I totally agree.. (bold part)

 

but to say that there is always some emotional reasons, or physical reasons.. I don't agree..

 

Some men cheat and they have absolutely no reasons.. except MORE sex.. (even if they have all the sex they want at home)..

[PandorasBox]

JMO, but I think alot of people do know why they are in a sexless marriage. I think its possible they don't want to understand MAYBE they might be part of the problem (assuming that is the case for that particular person). I'm not saying that's always the case, nor am I saying its ok for a spouse to withhold, but you really trully never know why that might be.

 

I think there are some exceptions to the rules to, where a spouse had done nothing wrong, done all they know to do and to try to get the other spouse interested sexually etc, and for whatever reason that spouse just isn't interested. I think SOMETIMES emotional and physical reasons do occur and that it can play a role in why things might be the way they are. I also believe that people can change and their priorities can change over time. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

[angie2443]

I think the problem goes beyond boredom of the husband or lack of interest in sex. I think these wives are repulsed by their husbands. I think that their husbands make their wives skin crawl. Why this would be, I don't know. Maybe it's resentment built up over the years. Maybe sex has become painful and the women are afraid to speak up about it. When I think of it, even if I had lost interest in sex, if I truely loved my husband and wasn't resentful of him, and his body didn't disgust me in anyway, if sex wasn't painful, then it would be very easy for me to give it to him a couple of times a week.

 

I don't see how a woman could be happy in a marriage in which she is repulsed by the person she is married to. I don't see how a man could be happy with living with a woman who deep down inside hates him. I don't see how children can enter healthy relationships as adults living through any of this. I don't see why these couples don't just divorce.

[giotto]

I think the problem goes beyond boredom of the husband or lack of interest in sex. I think these wives are repulsed by their husbands. I think that their husbands make their wives skin crawl. Why this would be, I don't know. Maybe it's resentment built up over the years. Maybe sex has become painful and the women are afraid to speak up about it. When I think of it, even if I had lost interest in sex, if I truely loved my husband and wasn't resentful of him, and his body didn't disgust me in anyway, if sex wasn't painful, then it would be very easy for me to give it to him a couple of times a week.

 

I don't see how a woman could be happy in a marriage in which she is repulsed by the person she is married to. I don't see how a man could be happy with living with a woman who deep down inside hates him. I don't see how children can enter healthy relationships as adults living through any of this. I don't see why these couples don't just divorce.

 

 

these couple should, indeed, divorce, I agree. But often it goes a lot deeper than that. I think that when the husband/wife finally accepts there is a problem, it's too late. The damage is done. Having small children, house, mortgage, full time jobs put a massive strain on the couple. I know, because we are one of these couples. And we lost sight of our problems, we lost the connection.

 

I also know why my wife stopped having sex with me. I hurt her emotionally and she never recovered, she wasn't able to. But I just reacted to a situation I didn't understand and which my wife refused to address also by not talking to me, hiding her head in the sand...

 

I believe that most marriages fail because there is emotional damage and even things like physical repulsion derive from emotional issues...

[JackJack]

Lack of sex in a marriage could be due to a number of reasons just as anything else there might be a lack of.

 

Abuse of any kind, Built up resentments, medical issues, mental issues, you name it and it MIGHT be a the cause or at least a contributing factor.

 

Then of course, you've got the spouses who have done no wrong in any situation, and they are just simply not to blame for one thing in the marriage. Of course I don't truely believe this, but you'd be amazed at how many people do see it this way. You know, its always the "other" persons fault. Forget there are two involved.

 

Bottom line, no one here on LS truely knows why a person might not be getting their needs met, sexually, or otherwise. I think the main issue, is what the two people involved should/could do about it, if anything. It all comes down to choice.

[Thaddeus]

... then it would be very easy for me to give it to him a couple of times a week.

See the bolded/italicized part?

 

It's about power. Sadly, sex is often used as a power-play within a marriage. She has something he wants (I don't mean you specifically, Angie2443, I mean this in the general sense of relationship dynamics) and in order for him to get it, he has to conform to some set of rules or manifest certain behaviors in order to get "the goodies."

 

Thing is, it usually doesn't start out like that, which is why so many men find it troubling that the rules change. In the early part of a relationship, couples enjoy sex with each other because it's pleasurable and strengthens the bond. But soon enough, the rules begin to change and it becomes a power-play.

 

Men certainly have to step up to the plate and do their part to ensure that their lady feels appreciated, loved and respected. We (men) all know how to do this. Love your woman through the day. Tell her. Show her by doing those non-sexual things that make her feel loved.

 

At the same time, women have to do their part as well to ensure that their man feels appreciated, loved and respected. That, for (most) men, means sex.