Are men really stuck in sexless marriages, or do they just want sex with younger wome

[angie2443]

There have been a lot of posts here about sexless marriages. I realize some of these are written by younger couples. Many, though, are written by older men. When I here how men talk about aging women, and read between the lines in some of these posts, I think the real issue is that the men no longer desire their wives and want "permission" from society to sleep with younger women. There was a thread in the OW/OM section that kind of pointed out the trend of the affair partners of the WH's bieng much younger. I think these older men who complain about the sexless marriages really want their wives to be living security blankets while they go have sex from women they are really attracted to. Since I have hit the mid thirties mark, this is really starting to make me think. I'm just wondering if any else thinks this is what's really going on with these men.

[Thaddeus]

There may be some men that fit your description, but I don't think one can make a blanket generalization about all men.

 

Having lived in a sexless marriage myself for a long, long time (happily divorced now), I know how much the constant rejection hurts and how much damage it can do to both a marriage and a man's self-esteem. While I was in the midst of it, I never once thought about cheating with anyone, younger or otherwise. I just wanted intimacy with my wife.

 

Naturally, I figured it was my fault, so I re-committed to her and did all those things that were supposed to help: I did more than my share of housework (I'm pretty domestic anyway so that wasn't a big stretch for me), we had "date nights." I left little love notes for her, gave her the emotional support she said she needed, listened without trying to fix anything, bought her flowers and cards "just because," romantic weekends away, etc. etc.

 

In short, I did pretty much everything wrong. Those efforts made no difference whatsoever. The relationship became totally one-sided. She got all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibility, so there was no impetus for her to change back into who she was before.

 

In short, she figured she "had me" once we got married so she turned off the sexual tap. (I learned this immediately after my divorce when she just came out and told me that.)

 

Is this common? I don't know, but I do know that every man I know personally who's married (with one notable exception) has complained at some point that his wife has morphed from a sexual dynamo before marriage into, well, something else afterwards.

[Lizzie60]

There have been a lot of posts here about sexless marriages. I realize some of these are written by younger couples. Many, though, are written by older men. When I here how men talk about aging women, and read between the lines in some of these posts, I think the real issue is that the men no longer desire their wives and want "permission" from society to sleep with younger women. There was a thread in the OW/OM section that kind of pointed out the trend of the affair partners of the WH's bieng much younger. I think these older men who complain about the sexless marriages really want their wives to be living security blankets while they go have sex from women they are really attracted to. Since I have hit the mid thirties mark, this is really starting to make me think. I'm just wondering if any else thinks this is what's really going on with these men.

 

I don't totally agree when you say that older men are going for younger women.. some do.. but a lot goes for women their own age or even older.

 

I don't think it's about age.. it's more about 'connection' on many levels.

 

Where I do agree with you is when you say that these men want the security blanket.. but needs the excitement of a 'new' woman...

 

I had a loonng telephone conversation this morning with my young MM... he said he misses me and wanted to come over this afternoon... I have plans today so it's not possible..

 

He was acting like a 'bébé lala'... begging me to see him.. anyway.. he's young (26 now)... very attractive..successful ... and he still wants a 57 yr old woman.. go figure.. We're going on our 5th year together.

 

I honestly don't think that men, in general, prefer young bimbos... don't worry.. be happy.. just be confident.. that's what men love about women...

[Devil Inside]

Men want to have sex with sexy, confident, and sensual women...I know women of all ages that fit that description.

[angie2443]

I don't totally agree when you say that older men are going for younger women.. some do.. but a lot goes for women their own age or even older.

 

I don't think it's about age.. it's more about 'connection' on many levels.

 

Where I do agree with you is when you say that these men want the security blanket.. but needs the excitement of a 'new' woman...

 

I had a loonng telephone conversation this morning with my young MM... he said he misses me and wanted to come over this afternoon... I have plans today so it's not possible..

 

He was acting like a 'bébé lala'... begging me to see him.. anyway.. he's young (26 now)... very attractive..successful ... and he still wants a 57 yr old woman.. go figure.. We're going on our 5th year together.

 

I honestly don't think that men, in general, prefer young bimbos... don't worry.. be happy.. just be confident.. that's what men love about women...

 

I think you are the exception, not the rule. However, If my marriage ends when I'm 50 or so, I hope I have the option of sleeping with much younger men:p.

[angie2443]

Men want to have sex with sexy, confident, and sensual women...I know women of all ages that fit that description.

 

I here men say this alot, however, what I see is men marrying younger and younger wives or cheating with women who are much younger than their wives. Clearly, something is going on here.

[Devil Inside]

I here men say this alot, however, what I see is men marrying younger and younger wives or cheating with women who are much younger than their wives. Clearly, something is going on here.

 

A young hard body is hard to resist...and men will fall for them every time...so on many levels you are correct.

[Devil Inside]

So let me ask you Angie...mid thirties is not old...are you worried about your man or something?

[carhill]

OK, so, unless these hard body young females are seeking out and throwing themselves at aging men, there's something in the guy's psyche which causes him to consciously toss aside his committed partner and actively pursue the younger hard body. IMO, it's because, regardless of what he sees in the mirror, he deludes himself into thinking he's still 20 and that similarly aging wife who sleeps next to him isn't really who he's with, but rather the illusion of what she once was. He finds her again in the visions of the youth he pursues. IMO, it's a mortality defense at the most elementary level.

 

If it ever happens to me, I'll be happy to report the psychological details. Fifty and counting and nothing yet. Young ladies remind me of daughters and granddaughters, not potential partners, so far

[Lizzie60]

I think you are the exception, not the rule. However, If my marriage ends when I'm 50 or so, I hope I have the option of sleeping with much younger men:p.

 

I left my 2nd ex when I was a few months short of my 50th birthday.. he was 12 years younger...

 

Trust me ... if it ever happens to you.. you'll have the option.. trust me on that one..

[angie2443]

So let me ask you Angie...mid thirties is not old...are you worried about your man or something?

 

I'm nervous of investing my heart and soul into a person who might one day fall out of love with me because I, in the future, will not longer be young. My husband gives me no indication now that he is that type of man. On these boards, though, I see this left and right. Many people say this isn't the case, but the actions of many posters here say otherwise.

[Lizzie60]

I here men say this alot, however, what I see is men marrying younger and younger wives or cheating with women who are much younger than their wives. Clearly, something is going on here.

 

I happen to see the opposite actually.. I don't know many MM who have much younger OW... they are usually around their age or older..

[angie2443]

OK, so, unless these hard body young females are seeking out and throwing themselves at aging men, there's something in the guy's psyche which causes him to consciously toss aside his committed partner and actively pursue the younger hard body. IMO, it's because, regardless of what he sees in the mirror, he deludes himself into thinking he's still 20 and that similarly aging wife who sleeps next to him isn't really who he's with, but rather the illusion of what she once was. He finds her again in the visions of the youth he pursues. IMO, it's a mortality defense at the most elementary level.

 

There was a lady on here who said the same thing, with differant words of course. She said that her husband didn't like growing and waking up to her aging face was a reminder that he was. Very sad for her then, (he left her for a woman 20 years younger) but I think she's doing better now.

[Lizzie60]

Thing is, most people don't want divorce....

 

Women are happy in their comfortable homes, with the family and friends around.. their husband home every night... and they are happy in a sexless M..

 

Men are happy in their comfortable homes, with the family and friends around.. their wife home every night... and they are very unhappy in a sexless M..

[JamesM]

Angie, being that you have worried about your husband in the past, I can see where you are coming from. However, me...an "older" man (45) who lives in a sexless marriage by many definitions (sex once a month maybe and that begrudgingly after I have practically begged....currently, it has been two months, because I have given up begging), I disagree.

 

Personally, I don't want a much younger woman for sex. I would like my wife to have the passion for sex she kinda had in years past. And that is the idea.

 

Read my past threads and posts. Ask some here who know how many angles I have worked in trying to discover why she is sexless. Over the past five years, it has been a project of mine. And it is the reason I joined LS. During that time I have discovered a different thyroid med that helped her. I have learned of foods she was allergic to. I have been her "doctor" in finding out other problems she was having. I have helped her face past demons regarding incest and bulimia. She would tell you that without me, then she would be lost. Yet excluding a four month period over three years ago, nothing has changed in her desire for sex.

 

In April, (And yes I remember the time, place and date), she even told me that if she had her "druthers, we would never have sex. And if it is that important to you, then you will have to get it somewhere else." Did she mean it? She has made the same comment that she doesn't need sex since then a number of times. Why? I have decided to take her seriously.

 

And I don't want this to be a thread about my situation, because I know that after five years of research and dedication, I believe I have lost all hope and have given up. I have not lost the love for my wife that I have, but inside something has shut down. The rejection is too much.

 

I know she loves me as a friend, as her husband (by her definition) and as the father of her children. But to be rejected by the woman you love as undesirable for sex....this becomes too much. It can only be compared to me saying to her that if "I had my druthers, then we would no longer spend time communicating together." Why? because for her, me sitting down and listening to her and telling her of my day is the most important way for her to have an emotional connection. And this emotional connection is as important to her as the physical connection is to me.

 

So, Angie, your concern is not that your husband will look for a younger woman when he gets older (at least in most marriages), but it is that he will feel rejected over and over because you feel that sex is unimportant.

 

Read between the lines of these men who say they get sex once a year (John Doe). It is not a desire for a younger woman that motivates them to write on LS. It is the constant rejection from the woman to whom they promised fidelity. While most people look at a man who cheats as scum, they never look at the woman who withholds in the same manner. In fact, they instead think that somehow the man is at fault for her lack of interest in sex.

 

IMO based on most of the threads here and in my own personal life, men in sexless marriage desire more than anything to have passionate sex with their own wives. However, when they reach a point of hopelessness, then they feel such great resentment and sadness for the situation that they are in...and have no control to change...that they seek that affirmation elsewhere. Just as a man should love his wife by emotionally being her lover, so a woman should love her husband by being his physical lover.

 

BTW, if I were to get a FWBs, then I would not seek out anyone younger than say 35. There does have to be a connection. To me younger women that could be my daughters cannot be lovers.

[angie2443]

So, Angie, your concern is not that your husband will look for a younger woman when he gets older (at least in most marriages), but it is that he will feel rejected over and over because you feel that sex is unimportant.

.

 

My husband and I have not had a problem with our sex life. I'm not sure why you are saying that.

 

If you are saying that at a certain age I will loose interest in sex, I have no idea how my age in the future will affect me since I'm not there yet.

[JamesM]

My husband and I have not had a problem with our sex life. I'm not sure why you are saying that.

 

If you are saying that at a certain age I will loose interest in sex, I have no idea how my age in the future will affect me since I'm not there yet.

 

No, I am referring to your past threads regarding his relationship with female friends.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t142285/

 

Being that you were jealous about his female friends, I can see why you are worrying that eventually he will cheat.

[angie2443]

No, I am referring to your past threads regarding his relationship with female friends.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t142285/

 

Being that you were jealous about his female friends, I can see why you are worrying that eventually he will cheat.

 

It was one friend. She was not younger. The relationship was highly inappropriate, but he was friends with her before he knew me and I was very naive back then. We were all very young back then when the whole thing started. The experience taught many things about how relaitonships form and how they end.

 

I wanted to add, I'm not worried that he will cheat now. He is not that type of person. I'm worried that as I become that dreaded menopausal woman that he, like so many other men here and IRL will loose interest in me and then the marriage will fall apart.

[Gamine]

Men, why do you believe women recoil from sex after marriage?

 

If sex is a pleasurable thing, one would conclude logically that it would be something sought out. Why do you believe some women shut down... or even worse... are repulsed.

 

Do you believe you played a hand in it? If so how?

 

Do you believe it is biological? If so, why?

 

I'm 48 and have pulled away from my husband because of emotional pain he caused me. However, I still desire sexual intimacy. So sex doesn't cause me to recoil... where do you believe the aversion comes from?

 

I'm really interested.

[Thaddeus]

Men, why do you believe women recoil from sex after marriage?

Because, for many women, marriage is the "end game." Once the wedding bells have stopped ringing, the 'catch' has been made and there's no need to make any further effort. That's exactly what happened to me in marriage #2, the only reason I know it's true (in my case, anyway) is because that's what she told me.

If sex is a pleasurable thing, one would conclude logically that it would be something sought out. Why do you believe some women shut down... or even worse... are repulsed.

See above.

Do you believe you played a hand in it? If so how?

Sure. One can only be refused so often before it starts to play havoc with one's self-esteem. That leads to bitterness and frustration, tension in the household and all the rest.

Do you believe it is biological? If so, why?

It probably does have a biological basis, but since I'm not a biologist I can't really say why. Perhaps someone with that sort of background might have an answer.

[angie2443]

Because, for many women, marriage is the "end game." Once the wedding bells have stopped ringing, the 'catch' has been made and there's no need to make any further effort.

 

A funny thing happened after my husband and I first married. I noticed that he didn't "spit game" (his expression) at me as much as he used to. He said, "now that I have you, I don't have to spit as much game at you. My heart sank. My husband was in the beginning stages of taking me for granted. It was a long battle to make him see that just because we were married, I still needed him to flirt and compliment me once in a while.

[mem11363]

Thaddeus,

That is my point in most of these situations. If you carefully listen - what you hear is not, "I don't want to have sex with my husband because he is a jerk". What you hear is the "apollo mission launch sequence" - which basically goes like this. If my spouse cleanly executes this incredibly long list of tasks, with total patience, no sign of irritation, then eventually - when the weather turns clear during an acceptable launch window - we will have sex. And then the process will repeat. I have to tell you, I truly, honestly think that is an awful, abusive thing to do to the person being rejected. The end result is very, very rarely different than yours. And in fact I also think it lowers the womans desire since it totally emasculates the man.

 

We are programmed to push boundaries with each other. This is simply a result of having a lot of leftover bad primate dominance DNA. The thing to note about a long term sexless marriage is that somehow the power dynamic got so screwed up at some point, that the partner getting no sex responded in a timid and hesitant way when they initially raised it. And the low drive partner either ignored or intimidated them and the pattern was set. But I think the "you will have sex with me x times a week" or I will divorce you model only works well in some cases. Like it works fine if the sex was ok, and one partner was just being controlling/mean or grossly lazy. But it works poorly if the low drive spouse dislikes how they have foreplay, how they have sex, and to be fair even how they are treated emotionally in the marriage.

 

 

 

There may be some men that fit your description, but I don't think one can make a blanket generalization about all men.

 

Having lived in a sexless marriage myself for a long, long time (happily divorced now), I know how much the constant rejection hurts and how much damage it can do to both a marriage and a man's self-esteem. While I was in the midst of it, I never once thought about cheating with anyone, younger or otherwise. I just wanted intimacy with my wife.

 

Naturally, I figured it was my fault, so I re-committed to her and did all those things that were supposed to help: I did more than my share of housework (I'm pretty domestic anyway so that wasn't a big stretch for me), we had "date nights." I left little love notes for her, gave her the emotional support she said she needed, listened without trying to fix anything, bought her flowers and cards "just because," romantic weekends away, etc. etc.

 

In short, I did pretty much everything wrong. Those efforts made no difference whatsoever. The relationship became totally one-sided. She got all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibility, so there was no impetus for her to change back into who she was before.

 

In short, she figured she "had me" once we got married so she turned off the sexual tap. (I learned this immediately after my divorce when she just came out and told me that.)

 

Is this common? I don't know, but I do know that every man I know personally who's married (with one notable exception) has complained at some point that his wife has morphed from a sexual dynamo before marriage into, well, something else afterwards.

[mem11363]

Were you successful at getting him to make the same effort to treat you well that he did "pre" marriage?

 

 

A funny thing happened after my husband and I first married. I noticed that he didn't "spit game" (his expression) at me as much as he used to. He said, "now that I have you, I don't have to spit as much game at you. My heart sank. My husband was in the beginning stages of taking me for granted. It was a long battle to make him see that just because we were married, I still needed him to flirt and compliment me once in a while.

[JamesM]

Men, why do you believe women recoil from sex after marriage?

 

Having read a number of books about this, I can say that there are many reasons. They include biological, emotional, past sexual abuse, pharmaceutical related, over stressed, and more. I have researched each in connection with my wife. Since she has a "medical condition" (which I think is a food allergy in part) and does take medicine and was emotionally and sexually abused as a child, then she has multiple reasons for her lack of interest.

 

If sex is a pleasurable thing, one would conclude logically that it would be something sought out. Why do you believe some women shut down... or even worse... are repulsed.

 

She does not find it pleasurable, or rather finds it too much work. And of course, this will lead to the "If she were my wife, then she would find it pleasurable" comment. And anything could be true, but she has had pleasure and orgasms when we had sex in the past. But for some reason, she no longer finds it enjoyable. And that means sex with anyone...per her.

 

As for why she shut down, I think I have exhausted every possible reason yet have found no solutions.

 

What bugs me the most is that SHE has no interest in finding out why. To me this says she no longer loves me enough to care.

 

Do you believe you played a hand in it? If so how?

 

Yes, I am sure I have. BUT...the problem is she says it has nothing to do with me. However, I believe that could be a denial on her part to avoid facing something.

 

Do you believe it is biological? If so, why?

 

It may be hormonally related. I can say that after some urging from me, she has set up an appointment to check her hormonal levels and get her female testing done. However, I honestly have no hope that this will do anything.

 

One question you did not ask is...do you think she had an affair or is having an affair?

 

And my answer is...at one point, I would have said no, but now I think if she told me that she had had one (because I do not see how she could have time now even though anything is possible), then I would truly believe it for it would answer alot of questions.

 

I'm 48 and have pulled away from my husband because of emotional pain he caused me. However, I still desire sexual intimacy. So sex doesn't cause me to recoil... where do you believe the aversion comes from?

 

My wife is 46, so she is similar in age. She says she did not pull away from me because of any pain I caused her...although I know I have and it could have been something that unknown to her caused her to shut down.

 

Now to you.....

 

IMO the reason you shut down is because the emotional pain he caused you has never been resolved to your satisfaction. My guess is that he thinks you should be over it and yet inside you still feel anger, sadness, resentment, hurt and pain due to his actions. So, when you think of sex with him, you cannot give yourself wholeheartedly to him without all of these emotions impeding the physical intimacy that is required. IMO this can be solved by open communication and counseling. It also requires your husband to openly and humbly admit to the pain he caused you. He also must listen to your frustrations and feelings if he wants that sex to return. And above all, he must rebuild the trust that was lost.

 

Having said the above, it is much easier to type than it will be for you and your husband to actually do.

 

I have been in communication with a woman whose husband had an affair and she has forgiven him. However, it was a long process that took a couple of years. From my viewpoint, he still won because he gets more sex (when IMO he had alot already) while she is the one struggling occasionally with the memories. In her case, he at least is very appreciative of her forgiveness and according to her has done everything to rebuild her trust and listen to her feelings.

 

You at least admit you have interest in sex. My wife does not. If she did, then I would explore these type of aversions as you have.

 

 

I'm really interested.

 

If I can be of help, feel free to PM me. I can give you the perspective of a husband on the side of your husband in a sense. And maybe your side could help me.

[JamesM]

mem, 11363, without quoting you, I can say that we have so many feelings and opinions in agreement.

 

I like your part about how everything must be perfectly aligned for sex to happen, and even then something seems to get in the way.

 

So true, so true.