Are men really stuck in sexless marriages, or do they just want sex with younger wome

[CarrieT]

What astonishes me is that having read LOTS of Craigslist ads over the past few weeks, how many dozens and dozens of posts read something like:

 

"I am married to my best friend and I don't want to change that, but I miss the passion and sex..."

 

Huh? I thought best friends could talk and share even the most intimate problems. So if you are married to your BEST FRIEND, why can't you talk about the fact that you aren't happy sexually?

 

I just don't get it...

[carhill]

LOL, that's easy. Man complains, woman leaves

 

She can get attention, with the perception that sex might be available, from most any man. Why on earth would she want to deal with that crabby old complainer at home?

[mem11363]

Carhill - I frequently agree with and/or am impressed with the depth of your comments. The one below seems - LOL - cynical - not close to a real comment.

 

My wife and I talk about sex a lot. Some is pure banter and teasing solely for entertainment sake. Some is a sincere - how can I make this better for you. And there is no unspoken end of sentence as in "so you can make it better for ME". The how can I make it better conversation is pleasing to me, it is not stressful, nor to her. And we definitely talk about frequency - I try to explain to her that at twice a week - sort of evenly spaced - the quality of the experience is just wonderful as there has been a buildup of desire. And that I would rather do 2/week then every day because for me every day now is too much effort and the pleasure is much lower each time.

 

Is this type of talk about frequency, about how to please partners more unusual?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL, that's easy. Man complains, woman leaves

 

She can get attention, with the perception that sex might be available, from most any man. Why on earth would she want to deal with that crabby old complainer at home?

[giotto]

when my wife asked me what could she do to make me happy (I was going through a very grumpy period), I said "more sex"... and she replied "no, not that"... and I said, "then you don't want me to be happy"... I didn't get a reply to that...

 

that evening I really wanted to divorce her... but I didn't...

[EmmaLou]

Wow that is funny..... Sex is a way to profess love and to makeup.... Those qualities in your man and Carhill are just too different from my perceived reality....

 

If we fought a lot, I might be a little upset that I didn't get the sexy kind of making up! But thankfully we don't. When we do fight, we talk it out and resolve it.

Your percieved reality is most male reality I think, like I said my man is an exception (from what I read here).

[EmmaLou]

What astonishes me is that having read LOTS of Craigslist ads over the past few weeks, how many dozens and dozens of posts read something like:

 

"I am married to my best friend and I don't want to change that, but I miss the passion and sex..."

 

Huh? I thought best friends could talk and share even the most intimate problems. So if you are married to your BEST FRIEND, why can't you talk about the fact that you aren't happy sexually?

 

I just don't get it...

 

I agree Carrie... it is a bit strange.. Maybe they're so close as friends that they don't want to upset that with revelations. Or they're happy to get sex elsewhere because they're just much of a best friend to their partner and don't see them sexually anymore.

[Juniper22]

I agree Carrie... it is a bit strange.. Maybe they're so close as friends that they don't want to upset that with revelations. Or they're happy to get sex elsewhere because they're just much of a best friend to their partner and don't see them sexually anymore.

 

 

Or, maybe they are full of crap.

 

After all its just sex right? So it should maybe read: "I want sex, plain and simple. My wife is cold and frigid and wont give me any. I don't know know why, maybe I'm part of the problem maybe not. All I know is, if she doesn't care enough about me to put out regardless, then I don't care enough about her to get out of the marriage before stooping so low to even post my self out on this site. So, like I said I need/want some sex any takers?"

 

Actually some of those posts are like that, straight and to the point. And some are more along the lines of they need to get the pity party train started first because maybe they feel they would have a better chance.

[carhill]

The one below seems - LOL - cynical - not close to a real comment.

 

Of course it is. I'm going through a divorce. It's honest.

 

Is this type of talk about frequency, about how to please partners more unusual?

 

Not to me. I broached such subjects frequently (as in weekly/monthly), and not just about sex. Intimacy. Non-sexual affection and interest.

 

when my wife asked me what could she do to make me happy

 

I never heard this question. Correction. In order to not sound like the absolutist my wife was and is, I rarely heard this question.

 

As a continuing disclaimer, I could have all the sex I wanted. There was just no intimacy. I could've been f*cking a gloryhole. Hope that isn't too cynical

[giotto]

As a continuing disclaimer, I could have all the sex I wanted. There was just no intimacy. I could've been f*cking a gloryhole. Hope that isn't too cynical

 

 

you are absolutely right, here... I'm getting the sex now, but that's not quite the point, because, with the sex, the intimacy and the connection have not returned, so it's half the package. And that's why I don't see how this "agreement" between myself and my wife can be sustained on a much longer basis... this is becoming more and more bothersome to me... I will be accepting the pity shags until my services as a father will not be needed anymore...

[EmmaLou]

Or, maybe they are full of crap.

 

After all its just sex right? So it should maybe read: "I want sex, plain and simple. My wife is cold and frigid and wont give me any. I don't know know why, maybe I'm part of the problem maybe not. All I know is, if she doesn't care enough about me to put out regardless, then I don't care enough about her to get out of the marriage before stooping so low to even post my self out on this site. So, like I said I need/want some sex any takers?"

 

Actually some of those posts are like that, straight and to the point. And some are more along the lines of they need to get the pity party train started first because maybe they feel they would have a better chance.

 

Ha ha... True... I think I was being too nice. Unfortunately the pity party train will always be in service more than the truth truck as people want to feel justified in what they're doing. Truth truck!?

[angie2443]

"I am married to my best friend and I don't want to change that, but I miss the passion and sex..."

 

Huh? I thought best friends could talk and share even the most intimate problems. So if you are married to your BEST FRIEND, why can't you talk about the fact that you aren't happy sexually?

 

I just don't get it...

 

Does anyone really buy that line? People don't betray their best friends that way.

[angie2443]

you are absolutely right, here... I'm getting the sex now, but that's not quite the point, because, with the sex, the intimacy and the connection have not returned, so it's half the package. And that's why I don't see how this "agreement" between myself and my wife can be sustained on a much longer basis... this is becoming more and more bothersome to me... I will be accepting the pity shags until my services as a father will not be needed anymore...

 

For you next relationship, consider keeping the connection in other ways besides sex. I don't mean to skip the sex. I mean talk, on a daily basis about your lives. Don't become strangers. Go out once a week. Remember to cuddle on a regular basis and make sure that it isn't all done for sex. It can lead to sex, but it's important to do it a few times a week regardless if it does. If you think about it, most of us didn't have sex on the first date with our long term partners. The emotional connection had to be there. If you keep up the grooming part of the relationship, the sex shouldn't diminish.

 

By the way, I love your avatars.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Of course it is. I'm going through a divorce. It's honest.

 

 

 

Not to me. I broached such subjects frequently (as in weekly/monthly), and not just about sex. Intimacy. Non-sexual affection and interest.

 

 

 

I never heard this question. Correction. In order to not sound like the absolutist my wife was and is, I rarely heard this question.

 

As a continuing disclaimer, I could have all the sex I wanted. There was just no intimacy. I could've been f*cking a gloryhole. Hope that isn't too cynical

 

Are you saying you saying you two could have had sex together;), all you wanted, but there wouldn't have been intimacy or affection, so you didn't? Did she enjoy sex?

 

Again this comes back to my stupidity when it comes to women. If you have sex, they enjoy it (and that simply means having an orgasm), should that not when it is a marriage signify a connection and love between the two of you?

 

Then to continue if these encounters are not long, time consuming (though nothing wrong with that), why not more often then you have it now or as much as you can have while it continues to be gratifying (i.e. orgasm)???

 

Again I am just so confused about this.....

 

So we go back to the OP..... If you have sex once a month and it is good, why not twice a month/twice a week or twice a day, if it is good?

[mem11363]

Sorry - did not realize the D was in progress.

 

I definitely have intensely painful firsthand experience regarding sex without intimacy. I think I would say it is a uniquely painful and humiliating set of experiences that I do not wish to repeat.

 

 

 

 

Of course it is. I'm going through a divorce. It's honest.

 

 

 

Not to me. I broached such subjects frequently (as in weekly/monthly), and not just about sex. Intimacy. Non-sexual affection and interest.

 

 

 

I never heard this question. Correction. In order to not sound like the absolutist my wife was and is, I rarely heard this question.

 

As a continuing disclaimer, I could have all the sex I wanted. There was just no intimacy. I could've been f*cking a gloryhole. Hope that isn't too cynical

[carhill]

Again I am just so confused about this....

 

No worries. I needed MC to unconfuse me. It's masturbation with another human. The key is awareness of the dynamic. Many people are simply unaware. My issue was I was aware something was wrong but I didn't know how to put a construct to it. Lack of insight. MC helped with the insight.

[giotto]

For you next relationship, consider keeping the connection in other ways besides sex. I don't mean to skip the sex. I mean talk, on a daily basis about your lives. Don't become strangers. Go out once a week. Remember to cuddle on a regular basis and make sure that it isn't all done for sex. It can lead to sex, but it's important to do it a few times a week regardless if it does. If you think about it, most of us didn't have sex on the first date with our long term partners. The emotional connection had to be there. If you keep up the grooming part of the relationship, the sex shouldn't diminish.

 

By the way, I love your avatars.

 

don't you think I tried? My wife just wouldn't talk about her many unsolved issues and still won't go to IC, despite promising me. Having 4 kids didn't help either, plus her mental issues... I gave it a good shot and then I kind of gave up, I'm afraid... I have my faults and maybe I didn't try hard enough. I don't know this and I will never know, especially beacuse I never got any feedback, only a wall of even more deafening silence when I got angry...

 

- end of rant -

 

cheers for the avatars!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

For you next relationship, consider keeping the connection in other ways besides sex. I don't mean to skip the sex. I mean talk, on a daily basis about your lives. Don't become strangers. Go out once a week. Remember to cuddle on a regular basis and make sure that it isn't all done for sex. It can lead to sex, but it's important to do it a few times a week regardless if it does. If you think about it, most of us didn't have sex on the first date with our long term partners. The emotional connection had to be there. If you keep up the grooming part of the relationship, the sex shouldn't diminish.

 

By the way, I love your avatars.

 

Again without banging my head against a wall, don't you think 95% of us do this exact thing. Again this may sound extreme, but is this not "blame the victim" mentality, that we see over and over from mainly females?

[mem11363]

Why is it you think these guys are not doing the basic relationship stuff?

They clearly are. Sounds like they have partners who don't care too much about "their" needs. I am starting to think you just have a negative view of men.

 

 

For you next relationship, consider keeping the connection in other ways besides sex. I don't mean to skip the sex. I mean talk, on a daily basis about your lives. Don't become strangers. Go out once a week. Remember to cuddle on a regular basis and make sure that it isn't all done for sex. It can lead to sex, but it's important to do it a few times a week regardless if it does. If you think about it, most of us didn't have sex on the first date with our long term partners. The emotional connection had to be there. If you keep up the grooming part of the relationship, the sex shouldn't diminish.

 

By the way, I love your avatars.

[GorillaTheater]

Why is it you think these guys are not doing the basic relationship stuff?

They clearly are. Sounds like they have partners who don't care too much about "their" needs. I am starting to think you just have a negative view of men.

 

Agreed. I'd say she already had the answer in mind when she posed the original question.

[angie2443]

don't you think I tried? My wife just wouldn't talk about her many unsolved issues and still won't go to IC, despite promising me. Having 4 kids didn't help either, plus her mental issues... I gave it a good shot and then I kind of gave up, I'm afraid... I have my faults and maybe I didn't try hard enough. I don't know this and I will never know, especially beacuse I never got any feedback, only a wall of even more deafening silence when I got angry...

 

- end of rant -

 

cheers for the avatars!

 

You know, I do think you tried. I think you have a good understanding of how your problem in the relationship evolved. Sorry for the unneeded advice.

[angie2443]

Again without banging my head against a wall, don't you think 95% of us do this exact thing. Again this may sound extreme, but is this not "blame the victim" mentality, that we see over and over from mainly females?

 

I think in giotto's case, he mostly did the right things. It's just that when I read so many of these posts (not giotto's really) I get the sense that many of these guys just do the relationship grooming things for sex. There is, IMO, a fakeness to this. When the actions are fake, then the joy is taken out of them. For example, when my husband comes home from work, we usually sit and tell each other about our days. It's a little thing, but it is enjoyable and keeps up connected. If, however, I had the sense that he was only sharing his day with me because he wanted sex and expected sex from this, the talks would feel fake and forced and the pleasure would be taken away from them.

[carhill]

Have you ever had the feeling someone you love isn't interested in you? Like you are talking to a bobble-headed dog? I think both genders can identify with that. When I couple that with the sense of feigned interest to achieve an agenda, I reach for the phone to call a lawyer for advice, or for the doorknob to exit the situation, as appropriate.

[angie2443]

Have you ever had the feeling someone you love isn't interested in you? Like you are talking to a bobble-headed dog? I think both genders can identify with that. When I couple that with the sense of feigned interest to achieve an agenda, I reach for the phone to call a lawyer for advice, or for the doorknob to exit the situation, as appropriate.

 

I have, and it was one of the issues that made me call that lawer:).

[65tr6]

but she doesn't let me get her over the finish line and so at the end I definitely know we have had mercy sex.

 

If I think we are going to have mercy sex, lots of times I politely stop things before they heat up - well - LOL - heat up for me - deep sigh.

 

 

Very very true in my case too.....Crap, I feel like I am letting all my secrets out.

 

My wife's affair changed it or is changing it all for me. Funny thing is the affair opened up the part of my brain that now knows what it wants...(does not mean I will get it,may be I will). Not sure this is a good thing or a bad thing. lol. Well, being an optimist, I know a little awareness always helps.

 

Question for you....by politely declining mercy sex when you sensed it, you think it went a long way in igniting the passion in your wife to an extent ?

 

I suppress everything - the tension - the irritable feelings etc.

 

you know i read a good book recently...(sorry cant remember the name) that talks about how emotional one can get during "transition". In this case, for example, when you get back upset because you were stuck in traffic...transition being you coming home, (changing your "steady state"). It is very important to suppress your anger/tension and think with a calm mind so you don't indulge in love busting behavior. This by the way applies to all human beings...kids and adults in equal measure. Looks like you mastered it mem, that's good.

[giotto]

You know, I do think you tried. I think you have a good understanding of how your problem in the relationship evolved. Sorry for the unneeded advice.

 

no, I appreciate every single advice... I need a lot of it!