Are men really stuck in sexless marriages, or do they just want sex with younger wome

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thanks James and Giotto for confirmation as sometimes I wonder if I am so off base.... Unfortunately Mem and Lovely have told us we are, and who are we to argue when Mem get's all that sex (though still not enough for his liking).....

 

And Carhill, please no one take offense about my comments on the Trades and Money, as it was with tongue firmly in cheek. Unfortunately my interests are more work (keeping me busy), sports, entertainment, pop culture, too much internet and these sites to allow me to improve my skill when it comes to the trades (i.e. fixing things).

 

Thus I blame it on my parents for not raising me a man......

[mem11363]

Like all good caricatures - I clearly see my silhouette in the sketch. Suffice to say that for us - what we do works well. I cannot imagine life without my wife and believe that to be true in reverse. I do think I was very lucky in my choice of mate and that we "fit" each other well.

 

I will lighten up on the alpha male stuff since Carhill in his typically concise and frighteningly accurate manner has pointed out that many Alphas misuse their abilities and selfishly exploit others. His comment below says it perfectly. But that sure as heck does not describe me. I like power balanced relationships - always have always will. You only see my "edgy" side if you start to trample my very reasonable behavioral boundaries and even then I am good about differentiating between clumsiness and deliberate acts of malice.

 

I am wondering though. How closely does the quote below describe the spouses whose original behavior/lack of intimacy with their partners started this post?

 

 

>>>>>>

My experience has been, with men like that (edgy masculinity) is that they push boundaries with everyone and take advantage of those who will let them. The only way to deal with them is to push back. I don't need people like that in my life. I hate perimeter watch duty. Life's too short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mem, I like your posts, but more often then not you seem to come back to your fitness and thus your attractiveness and have mentioned many a time how you put on minimal weight and it had a profound affect on your sex life. Sounds awfully shallow on your part (and your wives). You also mention often about your technique and what you do to get your wife in the mood, even though often she isn't and doesn't reach the finish line, but goes along with it.

 

Interesting too that you also have the old fashioned traditional relationship where you are the primary breadwinner and you do feel it is "owed" to you as you bring home the bacon.

 

I am really happy you have a great relationship and sex and you certainly need to continue to post, however I do take many of the posts with a grain of salt.

 

Now lovely, I don't know what our problems are (lack of sex, which is not terrible, just not enough), but I certainly would be dismayed if it came down to me "helping too much" or "not being handy with a hammer and wrench". At least according to you I have a leg up on the plumber or serviceman, as I do earn more then him (and that was a joke, as I have utmost respect for them).

[mem11363]

I am dead certain that your soon to be ex wife is going to miss your comments on life which are two parts brilliant insight combined with one part dead funny.

 

 

 

Have you ever had the feeling someone you love isn't interested in you? Like you are talking to a bobble-headed dog? I think both genders can identify with that. When I couple that with the sense of feigned interest to achieve an agenda, I reach for the phone to call a lawyer for advice, or for the doorknob to exit the situation, as appropriate.

[Lovely10]

The reality is that everyone can be whomever they so desire. That's one of our god given rights as people... as individuals.

 

Creating exaggerated 'stereotypes' and extreme caricatures of alpha male and alpha female traits (while funny) is borderline ridiculous. Females and males respond to certain models and actors because of their charisma... and this welcoming applause brings them their acceptance and fame. Edgy masculinity can be a Tom Selleck, Brad Pitt, any of the incarnations of James Bond, Patrick Stewart, Jack Nicholson, Russell Crowe, Ben Stiller... the list goes on. We respond to them. Traits. The list of femme fatales is virtually endless... as is the girl next door, sex vixens, etc... all exemplifying aspects of the female allure.

 

Is there a caveman in the bunch? An absurd ostrich feather wearing bimbo with bubble gum pink nail polish? Come on.

 

Our entire society cuts their teeth on precisely on this phenomenon. It is a fact of life. Attractiveness. Rarely is the whimpy guy saying 'yes dear' the subject of admiration. The guy who defends his family and champions the weak are the ones who we admire. We don't respond (societally) to women who don't wash their hair, don't make a nice home, let themselves go, smell bad, etc... Men like women who look good and smell good... (unless there's some weird fetish) and the fact remains that a sweatsuit wearing unkept woman doesn't get much in terms of affirmation in our society.

 

Right? Wrong? I don't know... but notwithstanding it is a fact of life. There was a study concerning infants... literally newborns. They responded more favorably to attractive females and males.

 

As I type this I almost cannot believe that I have to even explain this concept ... in a world literally replete with porn, supermodels, and the like. We all get the deal, so why now say that when personalized to the male (in a very similar way it has been done to women since time began) there is some objection?

 

Women have to deal with societal constructs concerning their appearance and feminine attributes. But, when the tables turn... apparently most men are offended by this.

 

As a female I've 'had to' be many things. Why is it so alarming that a male should as well?

 

Why is it offensive that a man should 'be' something?

[mem11363]

I never heard anyone bash a wife for flirting with her husband. Is flirting shallow? Is it somehow ridiculous? I don't think so. I never heard it described that way. But the stuff I described to you - well that is my version of "male flirting". I do it for a lot of reasons, one of them is that it produces a warm reaction in my wife and I am not ashamed of that.

 

And for just one moment I am going to single out Giotto since under duress my behavior would mirror his. If my wife lost her desire and refused to say why I would have done exactly what he did. I would have given her a hard quota for frequency and said - "do that until the kids are grown at which point we can both go our separate ways". And being the nice fellow that I am I would have told her that any suggestions she wanted to make for this to be more "fun" for her would be very, very welcome. And if someone wants to call that genital servicing so be it. I will take the service in exchange for all the blood sweat and tears I pour into the marriage.

 

 

 

 

The reality is that everyone can be whomever they so desire. That's one of our god given rights as people... as individuals.

 

Creating exaggerated 'stereotypes' and extreme caricatures of alpha male and alpha female traits (while funny) is borderline ridiculous. Females and males respond to certain models and actors because of their charisma... and this welcoming applause brings them their acceptance and fame. Edgy masculinity can be a Tom Selleck, Brad Pitt, any of the incarnations of James Bond, Patrick Stewart, Jack Nicholson, Russell Crowe, Ben Stiller... the list goes on. We respond to them. Traits. The list of femme fatales is virtually endless... as is the girl next door, sex vixens, etc... all exemplifying aspects of the female allure.

 

Is there a caveman in the bunch? An absurd ostrich feather wearing bimbo with bubble gum pink nail polish? Come on.

 

Our entire society cuts their teeth on precisely on this phenomenon. It is a fact of life. Attractiveness. Rarely is the whimpy guy saying 'yes dear' the subject of admiration. The guy who defends his family and champions the weak are the ones who we admire. We don't respond (societally) to women who don't wash their hair, don't make a nice home, let themselves go, smell bad, etc... Men like women who look good and smell good... (unless there's some weird fetish) and the fact remains that a sweatsuit wearing unkept woman doesn't get much in terms of affirmation in our society.

 

Right? Wrong? I don't know... but notwithstanding it is a fact of life. There was a study concerning infants... literally newborns. They responded more favorably to attractive females and males.

 

As I type this I almost cannot believe that I have to even explain this concept ... in a world literally replete with porn, supermodels, and the like. We all get the deal, so why now say that when personalized to the male (in a very similar way it has been done to women since time began) there is some objection?

 

Women have to deal with societal constructs concerning their appearance and feminine attributes. But, when the tables turn... apparently most men are offended by this.

 

As a female I've 'had to' be many things. Why is it so alarming that a male should as well?

 

Why is it offensive that a man should 'be' something?

[carhill]

After a crazy day of flying, I'm home safe and my cat whom I thought was eaten by the coyotes is curled up on the bed next to me after 5 days of 'roughing it'. I'm not missing sex at all. Life's good and I didn't see one woman I wanted to have sex with, not even an old friend. Perimeter watch duty caught an alpha gate agent, whom I tamed with some psychology and a bit of karma. Over and out from California....

[LakesideDream]

After a crazy day of flying, I'm home safe and my cat whom I thought was eaten by the coyotes is curled up on the bed next to me after 5 days of 'roughing it'. I'm not missing sex at all. Life's good and I didn't see one woman I wanted to have sex with, not even an old friend. Perimeter watch duty caught an alpha gate agent, whom I tamed with some psychology and a bit of karma. Over and out from California....

 

 

Glad your cat's OK Car. They are one of gawds gifts.

[giotto]

And for just one moment I am going to single out Giotto since under duress my behavior would mirror his. If my wife lost her desire and refused to say why I would have done exactly what he did. I would have given her a hard quota for frequency and said - "do that until the kids are grown at which point we can both go our separate ways". And being the nice fellow that I am I would have told her that any suggestions she wanted to make for this to be more "fun" for her would be very, very welcome. And if someone wants to call that genital servicing so be it. I will take the service in exchange for all the blood sweat and tears I pour into the marriage.

 

 

well, that was my way of being a real man... exactly what she obviously wanted in the first place. Now she's got one...

[JamesM]

After a crazy day of flying, I'm home safe and my cat whom I thought was eaten by the coyotes is curled up on the bed next to me after 5 days of 'roughing it'.

 

That in itself would make life much better.

 

I'm not missing sex at all.

 

How you can make this comment right after saying how you "cat" is lying next to you in bed...and not expect a few connective jokes is beyond me. Sorry that my mind thinks that way....

 

And now a more serious comment. Five days without sex is nothing. Try five weeks or months with the idea that it will never change.

 

Life's good and I didn't see one woman I wanted to have sex with

 

Since I only see one woman I want to have sex with...being my wife, then I can see how you had no problem.

 

Back on topic....

 

The biggest problem or frustration with a sexless marriage is not just the lack of sex or even the rejection. While both hurt, the biggest problem in my mind is not knowing what to do to fix the situation.

 

If I had a list of things to try (which I did a few years ago), that might change things, then I would at least have hope. Now...I sit here without hope. And that lack of hope combined with the idea that there will be no change combined with the feeling of no control...these are what drives a person into an affair.

 

But honestly, like you said carhill (which was why I quoted you), I look around and really do not see any woman with whom I want to have sex. So I sit here at a crossroads. Frustrated. Hopeless. Resentful. Lonely.

[JackJack]

"While both hurt, the biggest problem in my mind is not knowing what to do to fix the situation".

 

*And it will always be like that unless she tells you what you need to do to fix it. It seems to me from your previous posts on this subject, that you've gone over and beyond, to try and fix it and figure out what you need/could do.

 

 

"So I sit here at a crossroads. Frustrated. Hopeless. Resentful. Lonely".

 

* I can't imagine WHY you choose to continue on this way. I understand you probably still love her, and maybe you're staying for the kids, so I suppose this outweighs your happiness?

[giotto]

I understand you probably still love her, and maybe you're staying for the kids, so I suppose this outweighs your happiness?

 

it definitely outweighs MY happiness... at the moment...

[JackJack]

it definitely outweighs MY happiness... at the moment...

 

Its noble and admirable, BUT those kids will probably be ok. I do think divorce can effect them and I think so can staying in a not so good situation. Seems like a doomed situation no matter which you choose, I'm sure.

 

Do you believe two people can be civil towards one another and, loving and caring of their children, do what they need to do for them etc, etc, and not be together? I've seen it happen. If you can get along while living in the situation (for the sake of the kids) you can get along without living in the situation for the sake of the kids.

 

Your wives are not holding you to that marriage, you are, and you are allowing yourselves to be resentful, and lonely.

[giotto]

Its noble and admirable, BUT those kids will probably be ok. I do think divorce can effect them and I think so can staying in a not so good situation. Seems like a doomed situation no matter which you choose, I'm sure.

 

Do you believe two people can be civil towards one another and, loving and caring of their children, do what they need to do for them etc, etc, and not be together? I've seen it happen. If you can get along while living in the situation (for the sake of the kids) you can get along without living in the situation for the sake of the kids.

 

Your wives are not holding you to that marriage, you are, and you are allowing yourselves to be resentful, and lonely.

 

we are civil, we don't argue and get along... in my situation, we are having sex regularly, at the moment, so that's ok. But I also know my wife is doing it to keep the family together. I'm aware of that and obviously it's not ideal, and that's why I'm indecisive about what to do when my youngest flies the nest... I'm try to get the best out of a tricky situation...

[JackJack]

we are civil, we don't argue and get along... in my situation, we are having sex regularly, at the moment, so that's ok. But I also know my wife is doing it to keep the family together. I'm aware of that and obviously it's not ideal, and that's why I'm indecisive about what to do when my youngest flies the nest... I'm try to get the best out of a tricky situation...

 

I understand. Hopefully something will work out the way its supposed to.

[carhill]

And now a more serious comment. Five days without sex is nothing. Try five weeks or months with the idea that it will never change.

 

LOL, yeah, how about try the day I transferred the funds for my stbx's down payment on her house. That was ...hmm... November 2008. A day that will live in infamy.