Are men really stuck in sexless marriages, or do they just want sex with younger wome

[JamesM]

A funny thing happened after my husband and I first married. I noticed that he didn't "spit game" (his expression) at me as much as he used to. He said, "now that I have you, I don't have to spit as much game at you. My heart sank. My husband was in the beginning stages of taking me for granted. It was a long battle to make him see that just because we were married, I still needed him to flirt and compliment me once in a while.

 

And that is a problem.

 

After 19 years of marriage, I can say that romance is needed still. Although it doesn't need to happen as often (per my wife), the occasional unexpected special things mean so much.

 

However, as consolation, marriages go through ups and downs.

 

You can contribute to his becoming romantic. And the best way is to be the woman he is trying to catch. While he is married to you, that doe snot mean he still has you completely. If he sees that, then he will realize that he needs to win you over again every once in awhile.

[Deanster]

Angie - it sure sounds like you're looking for people to back up something you've already decided is true. You ask if others see the same thing, and then when some don't, you explain how they're wrong - not really the sign of an open mind...

 

So, sexless marriage here, and I'll say that the women I find myself looking at and thinking about wandering with are a wide mix. I'm 37, and my prime candidates if I elect to do something about it are mostly within a year of age, then one's 45, one is 39, one is 35. I actively pulled the plug on a 21-year old cutie last time I was in Las Vegas who was agitating to come up to my room, on the grounds that she was just a kitten, and I wouldn't feel good about it.

 

As Lizzie says, men (and I presume women) in sexless marriages miss both the actual sex, and perhaps most importantly, the intimacy and connection. One night stands with young hardbodies are good for the first, but a real connection with someone who knows who you are, and where you're coming from, is a whole other thing.

 

If I were looking at a hierarchy of priorities, I'd say availability, connection, enthusiasm, intelligence, skill, attractiveness, in that order, at least for me.

 

Now, for the record, enthusiasm is #2 on the list, and younger women are often MUCh more upbeat and enthusiastic... add that to their often higher attractiveness (usually because they're making an effort, rather than anything intrinsic), and high capability for intelligence - it pushes the total score up, no doubt about it.

 

In the final equation, I DON'T think this is 'an excuse to sleep with younger women'... I think most guys (and women! adjust gender labels as needed) in sexless marriages would MUCH rather be committed, dedicated family men who sleep only with their wives. I certainly would! However, take the sex, intimacy, and sense of connection away, and there's going to be wandering.

 

If you're going to wander, to the extent you can manage, it's not going to be with Nurse Cratchet, right? You're going to look for more of what you don't have access to - connection, enthusiasm, availability...

[c-riouz]

I'm nervous of investing my heart and soul into a person who might one day fall out of love with me because I, in the future, will not longer be young. My husband gives me no indication now that he is that type of man. On these boards, though, I see this left and right. Many people say this isn't the case, but the actions of many posters here say otherwise.

 

THAT is EXACTLY my fear too, you've hit it dead on the nose. I guess that's why I never completely let my guard down...self-protection mechanism.

 

There was a lady on here who said the same thing, with differant words of course. She said that her husband didn't like growing and waking up to her aging face was a reminder that he was. Very sad for her then, (he left her for a woman 20 years younger) but I think she's doing better now.

 

Yeah, that was our poor soserious...her story was really sad.

 

IMO the reason you shut down is because the emotional pain he caused you has never been resolved to your satisfaction. My guess is that he thinks you should be over it and yet inside you still feel anger, sadness, resentment, hurt and pain due to his actions. So, when you think of sex with him, you cannot give yourself wholeheartedly to him without all of these emotions impeding the physical intimacy that is required.

 

Very insightful, coming from a man.

[seibert253]

Thing is, most people don't want divorce....

 

Women are happy in their comfortable homes, with the family and friends around.. their husband home every night... and they are happy in a sexless M..

 

Men are happy in their comfortable homes, with the family and friends around.. their wife home every night... and they are very unhappy in a sexless M..

 

From a man's point of view, Lizzie couldn't have said it any better. Describes me dead on. I would be in heaven if my wife had half the sex drive I have.

[GoodOnPaper]

If I was to have an affair or leave my wife, a younger woman would be on my radar, but not necessarily because I'm looking for a hottie. I feel like a younger woman would be closer to where I am in my emotional development. While not technically sexless, sex in my marriage has never brought me closer to my wife, so I feel like I'm "spinning my wheels" in my emotional development. I tend to assume that women my age have more emotional life experience, so to speak. Maybe that's not necessarily the case . . .

[carhill]

I don't know how old you are, but, at 50, I can say I'm flabbergasted at the emotional maturity of some of the women my own age that I meet. The amount who are still working out stuff from childhood is alarming and disheartening. On some level I really feel for them but that has got me into a lot of trouble in the past, so I nod knowingly and move on

[giotto]

Men, why do you believe women recoil from sex after marriage?

 

 

 

according to my experience, I would say "emotional damage"... I think I've done things (on a emotional level) that she will never forgive. I didn't do them to hurt her, I just didn't know very much about marriage and being a couple and my wife is zero at communicating. I'm a fairly straightforward guy and I like talking, but when you hit a brick wall time and time again you start getting angry... and the connection goes...

 

as far as the younger women debate is concerned, I'm 46 and all I want is to have sex with my wife. Other women don't really interest me... she is my ideal woman, form a physical point of view and I'm not looking for hard bodies or anything like that...

[stuckinwithyou]

There have been a lot of posts here about sexless marriages. I realize some of these are written by younger couples. Many, though, are written by older men. When I here how men talk about aging women, and read between the lines in some of these posts, I think the real issue is that the men no longer desire their wives and want "permission" from society to sleep with younger women. There was a thread in the OW/OM section that kind of pointed out the trend of the affair partners of the WH's bieng much younger. I think these older men who complain about the sexless marriages really want their wives to be living security blankets while they go have sex from women they are really attracted to. Since I have hit the mid thirties mark, this is really starting to make me think. I'm just wondering if any else thinks this is what's really going on with these men.

 

 

as an older man I tell honestly I would love to have some nice tight twenty year old

but I know it not gonna happen

some old man has no sex drive

some other old men like to act like 15 years old

but most men like sex and lot of them love to cheat " most of them do and lie about it"

[Toodamnpragmatic]

No we don't want a young hardbody..... Maybe we want a younger person, one that isn't as jaded as many older women can be, one that may be more accommodating and accepting, one that can be easier to impress by your wisdom, stature, position.....

 

Never for a second have I thought about a younger person because of their body (but not a bad bonus), more so that after hearing about my shortcomings (some true, some not so true) from a spouse, you think a younger person may be malleable and accepting.... Conversely a woman the same age may be more appreciative.

 

Now to why women turn off I just more and more think women just carry a grudge or can not let go of a fight, disagreement or something they perceive the spouse has done wrong.

 

I have always said for a man to have sex everything must be close to perfect and even then some wrench can be thrown in the mix. For a woman, all they have to do is say "want to have sex" in 90-95% of cases..... Sorry if I sound so negative.....

[mem11363]

Everyone has childhood baggage. This is a big piece from my younger days. Almost ALL the women in my parents social circle had the following attitude: Take care of yourself until your wedding day, after that your man is obligated to love you, so eat and be merry.

 

I remember hearing my mother make harsh comments about young unmarried women who were overweight. And I thought, you KNOW that men find that unattractive and yet you and your friends are heavier then this woman you are skewering and you think that is fine.

 

So at 26 - with my fiancee - we had the "fat" talk. I said, we both need to commit to staying fit. Very painful conversation during which I had to answer questions like this "what if I get scarred in a car accident". And my answers were simple. Acts of God, accidents, I will be supportive and loving. That is just life. But letting yourself go, that is a choice a very unloving choice if you are marrying someone who cares about that - and I do.

 

Fast forward to today. We have both aged in a normal way. Sure we are both fit and toned which is nice. Why would I desire to be with a "younger" woman. My wife is beautiful. And she has a glow inside that I bet you only I can see. She will still have that when she is 70. Just hope I am still alive to see it.

 

But I would have been really bummed out if she had done what my parents generation did. It would have put a real damper on the passion in our marriage. And part of the passion is knowing wife loves me way more then she loves that box of Ho Hos on the counter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No we don't want a young hardbody..... Maybe we want a younger person, one that isn't as jaded as many older women can be, one that may be more accommodating and accepting, one that can be easier to impress by your wisdom, stature, position.....

 

Never for a second have I thought about a younger person because of their body (but not a bad bonus), more so that after hearing about my shortcomings (some true, some not so true) from a spouse, you think a younger person may be malleable and accepting.... Conversely a woman the same age may be more appreciative.

 

Now to why women turn off I just more and more think women just carry a grudge or can not let go of a fight, disagreement or something they perceive the spouse has done wrong.

 

I have always said for a man to have sex everything must be close to perfect and even then some wrench can be thrown in the mix. For a woman, all they have to do is say "want to have sex" in 90-95% of cases..... Sorry if I sound so negative.....

[Holding-On]

Maybe we want a younger person, one that isn't as jaded as many older women can be, one that may be more accommodating and accepting, one that can be easier to impress by your wisdom, stature, position.....

 

This is what I was thinking.

[65tr6]

I know how much the constant rejection hurts and how much damage it can do to both a marriage and a man's self-esteem. While I was in the midst of it, I never once thought about cheating with anyone, younger or otherwise. I just wanted intimacy with my wife..

 

Very nicely said.

 

Ours was never sexless but it did change overtime from "mutual participation" to "initiated by me". Very subtle changes but it did change. It was not rejection for me, but I was getting tired of initiating sex on my end.

 

I looked at younger woman all the time....told my wife...but cheating ? Did i want to have sex with yournger woman. All the time. Now that's where it stopped. Wanting and wanting to act on those feelings. Huge difference, isn't it ? Just like thaddeus said, there are lot of men who want intimacy not just sex.

 

but I do know that every man I know personally who's married (with one notable exception) has complained at some point that his wife has morphed from a sexual dynamo before marriage into, well, something else afterwards.

 

yep. ditto for me. I am not complaning. May be I am . But yes, my wife morphed into something else. She was not exactly a sexual dynamo but still.

[65tr6]

So, Angie, your concern is not that your husband will look for a younger woman when he gets older (at least in most marriages), but it is that he will feel rejected over and over because you feel that sex is unimportant..

 

James, I did not know your complete story (now i do) but hats off to you man.

 

Angie, I have highlighted the appropriate section from James's post. Very very nicely said. It was not always about you....sometimes it helps to think from spouses's standpoint ( I mean that in a nice way !).

[The Collector]

The modern woman's modus operendi is often/usually sleep with the sexy-but-unsuitable-for-marriage alphas/bad-boys until her biological clock tells her to settle down with a good provider type she doesn't really find attractive but will give her a couple of kids (if she hasn't already got a couple from one of the aforementioned unsuitables)... then once she has the kids and security from the beta provider there is little reason or desire to actually have sex with him ever again... hence many men stuck in sexless marriages. They aren't necessarily yearning for younger women, just frustrated that they've been suckered into playing daddy and work-horse but the sex (and affection, and respect) is now off the table.

[Woggle]

The modern woman's modus operendi is often/usually sleep with the sexy-but-unsuitable-for-marriage alphas/bad-boys until her biological clock tells her to settle down with a good provider type she doesn't really find attractive but will give her a couple of kids (if she hasn't already got a couple from one of the aforementioned unsuitables)... then once she has the kids and security from the beta provider there is little reason or desire to actually have sex with him ever again... hence many men stuck in sexless marriages. They aren't necessarily yearning for younger women, just frustrated that they've been suckered into playing daddy and work-horse but the sex (and affection, and respect) is now off the table.

 

And then she usualy cheats on this guy with some bad boy and divorces him while taking him for all he is worth. I am sure many men would love to have intimate relationships with their wives but since that is usually out of the question the next best thing is lusting after younger women. I don't think that age has anything to do with it though because I married an older woman who is actually worth it.

[blair08]

I didn't read all the responses so I'm sorry if its already been said. But, IMO, there are some men (and women) who are truly in sexless marriages. Then there are some who might just say they are for others to take pity on them so they can feel its justifiable to cat cat around. Well, some think its ok regardless.

[GorillaTheater]

There have been a lot of posts here about sexless marriages. I realize some of these are written by younger couples. Many, though, are written by older men. When I here how men talk about aging women, and read between the lines in some of these posts, I think the real issue is that the men no longer desire their wives and want "permission" from society to sleep with younger women. There was a thread in the OW/OM section that kind of pointed out the trend of the affair partners of the WH's bieng much younger. I think these older men who complain about the sexless marriages really want their wives to be living security blankets while they go have sex from women they are really attracted to. Since I have hit the mid thirties mark, this is really starting to make me think. I'm just wondering if any else thinks this is what's really going on with these men.

 

This strikes me as utterly wrong, generally speaking, for the reasons already discussed. But I do wonder what your take is on marriages where the man is the "withholder".

[angie2443]

This strikes me as utterly wrong, generally speaking, for the reasons already discussed. But I do wonder what your take is on marriages where the man is the "withholder".

 

Just like the woman, the man is resentful, bitter, and doesn't love their wife, or has lost attraction to their partner.

 

I'm not factoring in any medical factors that

 

For the record, I was talking about 20 year old hard bodies. Most older men wouldn't be able to get that anyways (unless the girl had issues or the man was rich). I was talking about women 10 or so years younger than the wife. If you look at the OW/OM section, you see this all the time.

[angie2443]

James, I did not know your complete story (now i do) but hats off to you man.

 

Angie, I have highlighted the appropriate section from James's post. Very very nicely said. It was not always about you....sometimes it helps to think from spouses's standpoint ( I mean that in a nice way !).

 

Oh, I think sex is important. I never said it wasn't. I also know that I'm getting a lot more of it than the poster you quoted;).

[giotto]

The modern woman's modus operendi is often/usually sleep with the sexy-but-unsuitable-for-marriage alphas/bad-boys until her biological clock tells her to settle down with a good provider type she doesn't really find attractive but will give her a couple of kids (if she hasn't already got a couple from one of the aforementioned unsuitables)... then once she has the kids and security from the beta provider there is little reason or desire to actually have sex with him ever again... hence many men stuck in sexless marriages. They aren't necessarily yearning for younger women, just frustrated that they've been suckered into playing daddy and work-horse but the sex (and affection, and respect) is now off the table.

 

gosh, this is a very cynical view... but maybe there is some truth in it...

[GorillaTheater]

Just like the woman, the man is resentful, bitter, and doesn't love their wife, or has lost attraction to their partner.

 

I'm not factoring in any medical factors that

 

For the record, I was talking about 20 year old hard bodies. Most older men wouldn't be able to get that anyways (unless the girl had issues or the man was rich). I was talking about women 10 or so years younger than the wife. If you look at the OW/OM section, you see this all the time.

 

Okay...

 

So in marriages where it's the woman complaining about lack of sex in the marriage (and they do pop up here not infrequently), would you characterize the dynamic as follows:

 

"I think the real issue is that the women no longer desire their husbands and want "permission" from society to sleep with younger men. I think these older women who complain about the sexless marriages really want their husbands to be living security blankets while they go have sex from men they are really attracted to."

 

Does that seem reasonable to you?

[angie2443]

Okay...

 

So in marriages where it's the woman complaining about lack of sex in the marriage (and they do pop up here not infrequently), would you characterize the dynamic as follows:

 

"I think the real issue is that the women no longer desire their husbands and want "permission" from society to sleep with younger men. I think these older women who complain about the sexless marriages really want their husbands to be living security blankets while they go have sex from men they are really attracted to."

 

Does that seem reasonable to you?

 

Most women don't want to date younger men. I think this is for several reasons. Look at the threads on the dating board. You'll find it's the guys going for the younger women and the women who are scared about going past their date of sale. Now that I think of though, I think many women may be physically turned off by their husbands. I don't think that women aren't any more turned on by stretch marks, extra pudge, etc on men then men are on women. I think, though, that a woman would feel horrible about feeling unattracted to her partner because of his looks. I think she would be more likely to keep quite about this and go through the motions during sex.

 

Now that I think of it, maybe I should just stay off of the dating section here.

[GorillaTheater]

Most women don't want to date younger men. I think this is for several reasons. Look at the threads on the dating board. You'll find it's the guys going for the younger women and the women who are scared about going past their date of sale. Now that I think of though, I think many women may be physically turned off by their husbands. I don't think that women aren't any more turned on by stretch marks, extra pudge, etc on men then men are on women. I think, though, that a woman would feel horrible about feeling unattracted to her partner because of his looks. I think she would be more likely to keep quite about this and go through the motions during sex.

 

Now that I think of it, maybe I should just stay off of the dating section here.

 

My point was that, in characterizing men complaining about sexless marriages as shallow and wanting to find an excuse to sex up younger women, you're being awfully unfair and presumptuous, particularly to men like James who come across as deeply loving their wives but are at their wits end with the repeated failures to fairly address the situation. And you appear to be dodging the issue of women who complain about sexless marriages and what you think is at work in those relationships.

[giotto]

many women are indeed turned off by their husbands... what puzzles me is how often these husbands haven't got a clue as per why... even after asking the wife... and some comments from some of the women on this thread don't really help, do they? It's the usual trite stuff... or maybe they are right after all?

[pyroguy]

My god, you really nailed it. I don't post here anymore because I have, what would be called pessimistic views of modern day relationships. People take it the wrong way, or women think I'm picking on them.

 

I studied women and their sexuality for over a year for some writing I was thinking of partaking in. So many women do exactly what you describe here, but they will never admit it. Make no mistake about it, there are plenty of men who don't pay as much attention to their wives as they should. However, I believe this whole ruse of that being the reason for all the female infidelity is just that, a ruse. In many of the cases they do want their security but want to **** the hot young guy. They will use the above exuse coupled with womens empowerment and sexual freedom. They act no different than their perception of men.

 

I have heard them talk, seen their behavior on girls nights out, and the rate of infidelity has soared. Are all these guys suddeny not paying attention to their women?

 

Also, you can see it in the perception of married men. Married men are portrayed as middle aged dolts in the media (commercials and TV shows). Always the sweet huggable guy, but not the guy who the ladies want to ****. He's just the guy who mows the lawn, fixes things and contributes money. You can see it in Angie's comment noting that these men can't get a 20 year old anyway. Of course not, because they aren't good enough, while the modern day cougar rules the jungle.

 

In fact, in the last 10 minutes I heard a prolixus commercial (about men's size), a commercial for "cougartown, a new show, and a caller into a radio show talking about the great cougar and how the hot young guys are such an advantage-all in 10 minutes.

 

I know society thinks it only pertains to women, but has society, including women ever considered that they don't value and are not as attracted to their man as they say. Is it possible some of these men think of younger women as a fantasy because they subconsciencely know that their women don't really treasure them as a physical and sexual entity? and they at least want to have the fantasy that someone does? then again, men aren't allowed to feel this way, that would be insecure and not allowed by society.