Are men really stuck in sexless marriages, or do they just want sex with younger wome

[Toodamnpragmatic]

My god, you really nailed it. I don't post here anymore because I have, what would be called pessimistic views of modern day relationships. People take it the wrong way, or women think I'm picking on them.

 

I studied women and their sexuality for over a year for some writing I was thinking of partaking in. So many women do exactly what you describe here, but they will never admit it. Make no mistake about it, there are plenty of men who don't pay as much attention to their wives as they should. However, I believe this whole ruse of that being the reason for all the female infidelity is just that, a ruse. In many of the cases they do want their security but want to **** the hot young guy. They will use the above exuse coupled with womens empowerment and sexual freedom. They act no different than their perception of men.

 

I have heard them talk, seen their behavior on girls nights out, and the rate of infidelity has soared. Are all these guys suddeny not paying attention to their women?

 

Also, you can see it in the perception of married men. Married men are portrayed as middle aged dolts in the media (commercials and TV shows). Always the sweet huggable guy, but not the guy who the ladies want to ****. He's just the guy who mows the lawn, fixes things and contributes money. You can see it in Angie's comment noting that these men can't get a 20 year old anyway. Of course not, because they aren't good enough, while the modern day cougar rules the jungle.

 

In fact, in the last 10 minutes I heard a prolixus commercial (about men's size), a commercial for "cougartown, a new show, and a caller into a radio show talking about the great cougar and how the hot young guys are such an advantage-all in 10 minutes.

 

I know society thinks it only pertains to women, but has society, including women ever considered that they don't value and are not as attracted to their man as they say. Is it possible some of these men think of younger women as a fantasy because they subconsciencely know that their women don't really treasure them as a physical and sexual entity? and they at least want to have the fantasy that someone does? then again, men aren't allowed to feel this way, that would be insecure and not allowed by society.

 

I'm sure Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch, Michael Douglas, Warren Beatty..... all are very aware that the women lust after their hard bodies and of course their wisdom....

[blair08]

So are some of you saying women want a man with money and a man wants a woman with a good looking body?

 

OK well lets say a man has a woman that is hot, and her man is rich, but they still are living in a sexless situation, then what? Its the same for the regular looking, middle class, or even poor people as it is for the good looking/rich people. People sex lives can dwindle for lots of different reasons.

 

I would take a average looking man with not alot of money who treats me well, than a good looking rich man who acts like a child who didn't get their way or who is arrogant, anyday. That does nothing for me. maybe for some women its their mens attitudes that turn them off, not the way the look always. And maybe vice versa for the men as well, whose wives don't have the best attitudes either. Who knows for sure.

[mem11363]

Angie,

I think you have hit on something very important here. I never thought about it. Certainly some percentage of women are very vocal about the fact that their husbands "appearance" is not that big a deal to them. Maybe that does frighten the rest - who legitimately DO care, into fearful silence. Especially when those women hear there peers talking about what pigs men are to make big deal about weight etc.

 

At risk of being annoying - for the most part I have stayed in great shape for our 20 year marriage. We did have a two year problem about weight though. I got too "thin" for my wife. She saw that as a VERY non-masculine thing and it was a turn off. She didn't stop having sex with me, but she did lose a lot of her desire for me (there were some behavioral issues on my side that contributed) in the bedroom. We had our regular routine of sex for the most part, but it was very obvious to me that I was getting almost entirely mercy sex.

 

So I "sucked it up". Started eating one extra meal a day, lifting weights a couple times a week. Here I am carrying an extra 20 pounds of mostly muscle. BIG change in her behavior. I don't think it is 100% the visual though, the lifting boosts testosterone levels and makes me more confident and also more aggressive in my behavior.

 

I think this is a slippery slope though because if you are a "man" in a sexless marriage, when you get back in "shape", it does not change the fact that you have had a really bad dynamic for a long time, you wanting/begging for sex, wife denying you and in the process coming to see you as "weak".

 

 

 

 

Most women don't want to date younger men. I think this is for several reasons. Look at the threads on the dating board. You'll find it's the guys going for the younger women and the women who are scared about going past their date of sale. Now that I think of though, I think many women may be physically turned off by their husbands. I don't think that women aren't any more turned on by stretch marks, extra pudge, etc on men then men are on women. I think, though, that a woman would feel horrible about feeling unattracted to her partner because of his looks. I think she would be more likely to keep quite about this and go through the motions during sex.

 

Now that I think of it, maybe I should just stay off of the dating section here.

[65tr6]

I think this is a slippery slope though because if you are a "man" in a sexless marriage, when you get back in "shape", it does not change the fact that you have had a really bad dynamic for a long time, you wanting/begging for sex, wife denying you and in the process coming to see you as "weak".

 

So you create a vicious cycle that gets worse by the day. How do you eliminate that bad dynamic that existing before ? Or can you ?

 

In your case, did you ?

[angie2443]

I'm sure Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch, Michael Douglas, Warren Beatty..... all are very aware that the women lust after their hard bodies and of course their wisdom....

 

Maybe they don't lust after them at all. Maybe they just like playing in mansions. My friend and I were once visiting the newly purchased house of her friend. The place was huge! It was beautiful. We were envious. When we were alone, she joked "I'd suck 100 d**** to live in a place like this. I said I'd do 200! We weren't serious, of course, but the truth is that some women will perform to live nicely.

[Juniper22]

Maybe they don't lust after them at all. Maybe they just like playing in mansions. My friend and I were once visiting the newly purchased house of her friend. The place was huge! It was beautiful. We were envious. When we were alone, she joked "I'd suck 100 d**** to live in a place like this. I said I'd do 200! We weren't serious, of course, but the truth is that some women will perform to live nicely.

 

 

I agree and can see people doing this. I have a friend who IS doing this. Got a huge lovely house, nice vehicles, money to spend, doesn't have to work, etc, but yet she is still miserable she has everything she could want material wise anyway, and a husband who is pretty much unavailable to her emotionally and even physically at times, because he enjoys other women too!I don't pity her choice really, and while that may sound bad, she knew what she was doing and getting into to begin with.

[burning 4 revenge]

My god, you really nailed it. I don't post here anymore because I have, what would be called pessimistic views of modern day relationships. People take it the wrong way, or women think I'm picking on them.

 

I studied women and their sexuality for over a year for some writing I was thinking of partaking in. So many women do exactly what you describe here, but they will never admit it. Make no mistake about it, there are plenty of men who don't pay as much attention to their wives as they should. However, I believe this whole ruse of that being the reason for all the female infidelity is just that, a ruse. In many of the cases they do want their security but want to **** the hot young guy. They will use the above exuse coupled with womens empowerment and sexual freedom. They act no different than their perception of men.

 

I have heard them talk, seen their behavior on girls nights out, and the rate of infidelity has soared. Are all these guys suddeny not paying attention to their women?

 

Also, you can see it in the perception of married men. Married men are portrayed as middle aged dolts in the media (commercials and TV shows). Always the sweet huggable guy, but not the guy who the ladies want to ****. He's just the guy who mows the lawn, fixes things and contributes money. You can see it in Angie's comment noting that these men can't get a 20 year old anyway. Of course not, because they aren't good enough, while the modern day cougar rules the jungle.

 

In fact, in the last 10 minutes I heard a prolixus commercial (about men's size), a commercial for "cougartown, a new show, and a caller into a radio show talking about the great cougar and how the hot young guys are such an advantage-all in 10 minutes.

 

I know society thinks it only pertains to women, but has society, including women ever considered that they don't value and are not as attracted to their man as they say. Is it possible some of these men think of younger women as a fantasy because they subconsciencely know that their women don't really treasure them as a physical and sexual entity? and they at least want to have the fantasy that someone does? then again, men aren't allowed to feel this way, that would be insecure and not allowed by society.

Yes, this is so well written and has a lot of truth in it

[mem11363]

If you are a (for more then 3 months) sexually starved male, consider two core questions:

- How much does your wife truly love you/care about your happiness?

- How much does your wife like/dislike having sex with you?

 

Lets say you could score that -5 to 5 for both questions. The only answers that "make sense" are the ones where her sexual aversion is stronger then her care for your happiness.

- If care about happiness is high (like a 4)

- And her view of sex with you is "neutral" - (0)

Then she won't starve you. For a starved man this becomes his focus, but he lets his wife change the conversation so it is about him and his flaws. But that is not true. It is about how she "feels" about you. And the answer sadly is very ugly. Because if you really believe that her care for your happiness/her true love for you is a 4, then you have to accept that her view of sex with you is a -5.

 

In a lot of cases her "body" responds to how alpha you are. If at some "base" level of interaction she perceives you as weak, then her body is going to tell her to avoid having sex with you. Weakness is a huge turnoff for women. Probably the biggest turn off of them all.

 

So for the occassional guy whose woman says to him that one time - "you aren't man enough for me" - that is the ultimate answer.

 

The sad thing is you might not have ever been man enough for her, she just wanted kids, and wanted you to support her financially.

 

 

 

 

 

So you create a vicious cycle that gets worse by the day. How do you eliminate that bad dynamic that existing before ? Or can you ?

 

In your case, did you ?

[mem11363]

My depiction of the vicious cycle is a summary based on reading all this bboard stuff. I am a very assertive spouse. I felt from day one that in return for putting almost 100 percent of my time, energy and commitment into the marriage I was entitled to have my needs met. And I still feel that way. In a marriage you are either totally committed or you aren't. It is that simple. If I was doing something sexually, or something outside the bedroom, that really turned my wife off, then it was her job to tell me so I could fix/change it. And every once in a while something like that would come up, and I would just say - "got it". And fix it.

 

My wife never starved me. Earlier in our marriage she inflicted emotional pain on me for pressuring her to keep up with my high sex drive. And I deserved that. And eventually I made the effort to not be so pushy/jerky if we didn't have sex every time I wanted.

 

But if you asked her - we are in year 20 now - she would tell you that her happiness is MY highest priority and that mine is hers - well LOL - right after the kids. Which is the way it should be.

 

She thinks it is a key part of her job as a good wife for me to be very, very sexually satisfied in terms of frequency and quality. And I am.

 

 

 

 

So you create a vicious cycle that gets worse by the day. How do you eliminate that bad dynamic that existing before ? Or can you ?

 

In your case, did you ?

[65tr6]

If you are a (for more then 3 months) sexually starved male, consider two core questions:

- How much does your wife truly love you/care about your happiness?

- How much does your wife like/dislike having sex with you?

 

 

first of all, let me get this out. I am not being starved ! I am fine with what i get but I want more. (my wife knows it) I don't want just sex. yes, I am a wierdo..i actually like intimacy, passion mixed in. I like your second question a lot by the way. Nicely put.

 

So the answers to your questions are 4 and a 0 for me right now which i would like them to be 4 and 5 instead. yes i want the second part to be a 5. I actually asked my wife that second question about few months ago.

I am not sure how many females actually understand that but there are lot of husbands out there who like to see their wife enjoy (and express!) having sex with their them...enjoy as in, initiating, planning, surprising, expressing passion....now why is that so difficult ?

 

like another poster said, we don't go looking for porn or younger woman ....we want that right in our sweet homes. You either do it with passion and energy or you don't do it at all. To me mercy sex is no sex at all (i like that phrase by the way, nice way to describe it). Does not mean a thing to me.

 

I have a question for guys who are complaning about lack of sex....what exactly do you mean by sex ? will you be ok with pure intercourse as in 5 minutes i am done ? (sorry ladies if i am being just a bit graphic here).

 

PS : may be i should start a new sex thread titled "Your SEXpectations in bedroom"

[EmmaLou]

I believe the men in here who say that they just want sex with their partners. I think if you're in your fifties and want to have sex with someone who could be your daughter/grandaughter, then there's something in you that hasn't matured, or that still wants to believe you are that young yourself. Your tastes should grow and change as you age.. Unfortunately porn usually only depicts young women so that's all these men are seeing.. That's why I watch xtube.com, it's home videos so you get to see all the wrinkly bits too.

 

I'm a bit shocked at the volume of older men who find under 16s sexually attractive. My brother is a policeman, and his male colleagues are always pointing out teenage girls and saying what they'd like to do to them. When I was 14, that was when I got the most car horns and wolf whistles from lorry drivers, white van drivers and cars. Avoid these men... everyone deserves to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful whilst you age.

[asireen]

Women are happy in their comfortable homes, with the family and friends around.. their husband home every night... and they are happy in a sexless M..

Men are happy in their comfortable homes, with the family and friends around.. their wife home every night... and they are very unhappy in a sexless M..

 

Well said.

And therefore, women must look the other way when her man goes out with other women.

Now both will be happy!

[asireen]

as an older man I tell honestly I would love to have some nice tight twenty year old

but I know it not gonna happen

 

You are wrong. It is quite easy these days with the internet. You need to be open minded and flexible.

Are you below 70? It is much easier than you may be thinking.

[mem11363]

65TR6

 

You are a true MAN and part of that is that you have been asking the hard questions which takes courage. And you are trying to get to that place all us long term married men want to get to. The place where our wives really, truly WANT us.

 

So a couple quick things about mercy sex. My definition is this:

- My wife is ONLY doing it to please me, she knows that I really want her, but left totally up to her, we wouldn't do it.

- She does not project that up front, and physically our mercy sex is not 5 minutes of "are you done yet intercourse". She does all the usual foreplay stuff and makes it as fun for me as she can, but she doesn't let me get her over the finish line and so at the end I definitely know we have had mercy sex.

 

If I think we are going to have mercy sex, lots of times I politely stop things before they heat up - well - LOL - heat up for me - deep sigh.

 

But if it has been a while due to her cycle, me on a business trip, whatever, I will knowingly accept it. It is a sign of respect. She is showing respect for MY needs.

 

Just like I do for hers. Say I worked a long stressful day, had a brutal commute home - accident on the freeway, walk in the door nerves rubbed raw and I see her "sad body language". I suppress everything - the tension - the irritable feelings etc. And I smile and say, boy is it nice to see you baby. And then I try to figure out what happened and how I can make her feel better. And if that involves a long roundabout conversation about some interpersonal conflict I listen, empathize, hug and caress. How is that different then receiving mercy sex?

 

A marriage without mercy, without true compassion, is a cold type of hell.

 

 

 

 

first of all, let me get this out. I am not being starved ! I am fine with what i get but I want more. (my wife knows it) I don't want just sex. yes, I am a wierdo..i actually like intimacy, passion mixed in. I like your second question a lot by the way. Nicely put.

 

So the answers to your questions are 4 and a 0 for me right now which i would like them to be 4 and 5 instead. yes i want the second part to be a 5. I actually asked my wife that second question about few months ago.

I am not sure how many females actually understand that but there are lot of husbands out there who like to see their wife enjoy (and express!) having sex with their them...enjoy as in, initiating, planning, surprising, expressing passion....now why is that so difficult ?

 

like another poster said, we don't go looking for porn or younger woman ....we want that right in our sweet homes. You either do it with passion and energy or you don't do it at all. To me mercy sex is no sex at all (i like that phrase by the way, nice way to describe it). Does not mean a thing to me.

 

I have a question for guys who are complaning about lack of sex....what exactly do you mean by sex ? will you be ok with pure intercourse as in 5 minutes i am done ? (sorry ladies if i am being just a bit graphic here).

 

PS : may be i should start a new sex thread titled "Your SEXpectations in bedroom"

[Lizzie60]

Mem.. you're a saint..

 

Just like I do for hers. Say I worked a long stressful day, had a brutal commute home - accident on the freeway, walk in the door nerves rubbed raw and I see her "sad body language". I suppress everything - the tension - the irritable feelings etc. And I smile and say, boy is it nice to see you baby. And then I try to figure out what happened and how I can make her feel better. And if that involves a long roundabout conversation about some interpersonal conflict I listen, empathize, hug and caress. How is that different then receiving mercy sex?

 

I think most men would just get mad after a day like that and seeing the 'sad body language'... since this would NOT be the first time.. it would be what they see most of the time when they get home...

 

Most men lose their patience after a while.. and that's when they end up in an A...

[giotto]

Mem.. you're a saint..

 

 

 

no, he wanted sex that night...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

no, he wanted sex that night...

 

Right on.... Funny how men can see right through it, but Lizzie and many women can't....

 

I call it my 168 Hour of foreplay.....

 

The difference between men and women... My spouse could be indifferent and nasty to me for days on end (not the case, but a scenario), but come the evening, she looks in my eyes, grabs south and gives me a kiss and I am putty.... Don't think I am no different then 95% of men.

[mem11363]

I am no saint, I am however in love with my wife. Maybe half our 20 years I have been in love with her. Maybe 5 of them she has been in love with me. This is one of the 5. I can tell when she "is", because she is kinder, more considerate. Don't get me wrong - the other 15 - she wasn't a bitc*, she was just not emotionally engaged like she is now. And she is very practical - for 19 of those years I was the sole breadwinner. It was always "our" money, and she had 100 percent access to it 100 percent of the time. But now that I think back on it, I believe that she always made sure to use sex to amplify my emotional bond to "HER". Having a committed husband with big paycheck made for a stable family environment and a nice life with no financial stress. She and I both have hot tempers - so the sex created the emotional bond for me - that kept me from ever seriously thinking about cheating/leaving even when we were having intense arguments (about stupid stuff), and even when I could mainly sense at some level that she really wasn't that into me.

 

But the "in love" thing radiating from her now has almost entirely taken away the sharp anxiety I used to feel deep inside about our mismatched desire levels. I think the anxiety was mainly caused by my recognition that most of the time she wasn't really in love with me. Now that I feel the love, that anxiousness is gone.

 

 

Right on.... Funny how men can see right through it, but Lizzie and many women can't....

 

I call it my 168 Hour of foreplay.....

 

The difference between men and women... My spouse could be indifferent and nasty to me for days on end (not the case, but a scenario), but come the evening, she looks in my eyes, grabs south and gives me a kiss and I am putty.... Don't think I am no different then 95% of men.

[carhill]

The difference between men and women... My spouse could be indifferent and nasty to me for days on end (not the case, but a scenario), but come the evening, she looks in my eyes, grabs south and gives me a kiss and I am putty.... Don't think I am no different then 95% of men.

 

I'm in the other 5%. Sex doesn't fix/asuage/mollify hurtful behavior. Addressing that issue directly by communicating and resolving and compromise, if necessary, creates the positive emotional state which causes me to feel sexual. Women who are used to treating men with indifference or disdain and expecting the results of that behavior to go away if they spread their legs are quite disappointed in me. They move on to easier, more predictable targets.

[EmmaLou]

I'm in the other 5%. Sex doesn't fix/asuage/mollify hurtful behavior. Addressing that issue directly by communicating and resolving and compromise, if necessary, creates the positive emotional state which causes me to feel sexual. Women who are used to treating men with indifference or disdain and expecting the results of that behavior to go away if they spread their legs are quite disappointed in me. They move on to easier, more predictable targets.

 

My partner is like you, he can't have sex unless he's mentally happy, and everything is good between us.

[giotto]

My partner is like you, he can't have sex unless he's mentally happy, and everything is good between us.

 

are you sure he is a man?

[EmmaLou]

are you sure he is a man?

 

Heehee... You know, I've often wondered that myself! He is an enigma, he's very manly and not at all effeminite, but has qualities you would normally associate with females. You are the rule Giotto, but there are always exceptions.

[mem11363]

If conflict prohibited sex, then my house would be celibate. The way we look at it is this:

- If we had a fight and we both had some responsibility then sex is often part of making up and reconnecting

- If there is a chronic pattern of abusive or neglectful behavior, that is different

 

When normal "day to day" marital conflict as a basis for not having sex - that is destructive. And withholding sex until your partner apologizes is a dangerous thing to do.

 

We had about one year of full blown - no holds barred conflict over what was a fair distribution of labor. I felt intensely frustrated that my SAHM wife whose workload had shrunk and shrunk as the kids aged and all started going to school full time was not helping me more. My workload, travel schedule and stress level at a software company were all very high. And I finally remember standing in the living room of the house - pointing at the bedroom door and saying "Until I start getting some loving out here, you will get no loving from me in there". And I know she didn't believe me. Hell I wouldn't have believed me. But after a few months she realized I wasn't kidding. And a few months after that, when it really sunk in, she started helping me more.

 

 

I'm in the other 5%. Sex doesn't fix/asuage/mollify hurtful behavior. Addressing that issue directly by communicating and resolving and compromise, if necessary, creates the positive emotional state which causes me to feel sexual. Women who are used to treating men with indifference or disdain and expecting the results of that behavior to go away if they spread their legs are quite disappointed in me. They move on to easier, more predictable targets.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

My partner is like you, he can't have sex unless he's mentally happy, and everything is good between us.

 

Wow that is funny..... Sex is a way to profess love and to makeup.... Those qualities in your man and Carhill are just too different from my perceived reality....

[carhill]

When normal "day to day" marital conflict as a basis for not having sex - that is destructive. And withholding sex until your partner apologizes is a dangerous thing to do.

 

I'm talking about years of emotional starvation, not day to day conflict. I eat that for lunch. Try dealing with a mentally ill person and when your wife has a crabby day, it doesn't even affect you. That doesn't mean it makes my dick fall into her vagina either. After enough of that, forcing yourself to have sex with someone who starves you, you get a divorce

 

That was my solution, and, trust me, I'll do it again in a heartbeat. We're living on different marital planets, thank goodness for you