Need input in trying to figure this out

[leap83]

Hey everyone,

 

So, my situation is rather complex and I'd rather not get into too much detail, but I need some help and other views in trying to figure out what to do from this point on. I'm having a lot of trouble with it even though I keep myself incredibly busy during the day.

 

I've dated a guy for a couple of months and things were great between us (we weren't friends before the dating stage). Going through that phase, we both realized that we needed a bit more time to heal from the past and work on ourselves. It was a mutual break up in hopes of eventually getting back together.

 

After not talking for 3 weeks, we finally talked and since we both agreed that we should be friends for the time being, we talked about that. Now, the problem is the fact that we don't see each other as friends. We both admitted that, which makes this situation very difficult. Then I asked whether we could see each other (as in hang out) and he brought up the point of that being way too hard because of our incredible chemistry. He's right. We have feelings for each other and if we met and tried to hang out, it just wouldn't work. So, right now we're trying to figure out a way to see each other as friends (for the time being) but something tells me it's like looking for a needle in a pile of needles. How can we go through this transitional stage and still preserve our feelings for each other? Is it even possible? Or should we drop the whole hanging out and talk over the phone for the next couple of months?

 

Please don't tell me we should both move on as that is not in the cards for neither one of us. Also, don't tell me that we should be together and cut the crap - it is a bit impossible right now. Has anyone ever been in this situation (going from lovers to friends and back to lovers)? Thanks.

 

EDIT: Forgot to add that I do miss him incredibly, but the timing for a relationship is so totally and utterly horrible. I'm scared of losing him - yes, I know... if I'm scared of losing him, I should be with him... I know. I heard it before. It's just very selfish when you're not 100% in the relationship because of other issues in your life. We both believe that for us to be able to be 100% there, we need to deal with other issues in our lives. Simply put.

[craig841]

There's no way you could hang out together just as friends, because simply put...you aren't.

 

The phone plan sounds good...but if you're implying that being in contact with him will delay your healing process then you have to go no contact until you are both ready. It sounds brutal but it would be the best for both of you. Either that or you start a relationship and help each other through the tough times, since as you say your chemistry is good.

[leap83]

There's no way you could hang out together just as friends, because simply put...you aren't.

 

The phone plan sounds good...but if you're implying that being in contact with him will delay your healing process then you have to go no contact until you are both ready. It sounds brutal but it would be the best for both of you. Either that or you start a relationship and help each other through the tough times, since as you say your chemistry is good.

 

Thanks for that. That's what I figured. We were in no contact for a couple of weeks but we both missed each other deeply (as I mentioned this break-up wasn't something we wanted but we knew we had to do it to preserve the long-term relationship). I don't feel comfortable going no contact and neither does he - we both agreed on that.

 

We want to be together but we know the timing is bad. I also believe that even if we went no contact and then saw each other again, all of the feelings would come back. So, that leaves us with going out again but would that work if we're both not 100% there? Wouldn't that cause more pain than if we somehow figured out a way to keep in contact until this stage is over and we're both ready? I'm so bummed right now.

[callingyouuu]

We want to be together but we know the timing is bad. I also believe that even if we went no contact and then saw each other again, all of the feelings would come back. So, that leaves us with going out again but would that work if we're both not 100% there? Wouldn't that cause more pain than if we somehow figured out a way to keep in contact until this stage is over and we're both ready? I'm so bummed right now.

I think if this were a case where just one of you is not 100%, I would suggest the second route to kind of detox you from one another and get you both on the same page. Seeing as it's not, let me briefly explain why I think going out again might not be a terrible idea.

 

I think one of the most beautiful benefits of being in a relationship with someone is the ability to grow with one another. In this case, is there any way that you could grow closer together by helping each other through your problems? I don't think getting over your past is something that has to be done separately. The key is that you understand one another, and if you keep being open and communicative about how you feel, I think this could work.

 

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but think carefully about what you want to do. I just don't want you to grow apart from one another by doing separately what you could do together...

[leap83]

Thanks for that calling. I was just thinking about it yesterday because he was all I could think of. It's incredible how much he pre-occupies my mind at night and if he feels anything like me (we are really alike in terms of what we feel), then this must be driving him insane.

 

I was thinking that we should go out "casually". Not the real definition of casual dating but dating without taking it too seriously. We both enjoy each other's company, we have a lot of fun together and when I'm with him I laugh like never before. When we talked last time he said how he doesn't see me as a friend and how he's really attracted to me which will make things difficult because all he'll want to do is kiss me and touch me. So, instead of forcing these feelings to go away, being apart, or trying to be friends, maybe we could date like this for the time being. I'm not sure whether that ever works when it comes to long-term relationships, but my logic behind this is that we will both grow, get to know each other better and then when we're ready to take the "big step", it's going to be a hell of a lot easier.

 

I was going to talk with him about this but I don't want to do it over the phone. I don't even know how to suggest it. I mean, considering his feelings and my feelings, this would be the mutual ground right now. And in my mind, it would work as long as we don't involve sleeping together (because it just complicates things) and be honest with each other.

 

I can't spend one day without thinking about him. I miss him terribly and I talked with him only 3 days ago. It's horrible.