Which one do I choose? My boyfriend or my soulmate?

[inadilemma]

I recently broke off a 5 year relationship with a guy. But it wasn't just an ordinary break up.

 

 

During the latter part of the relationship, I kept ignoring thoughts that I was not in love with my boyfriend as much as I was when we were starting out. I got tired of his materialism and immaturity. I felt like I wasn't growing in the relationship anymore, instead, I was becoming too dependent on him, which was the reason why I kept convincing myself that I loved him, because I really needed him in my life. We have always been together 24/7 til recently when we got different jobs and apartments and lived a long-distance relationship. During this time, I initially felt helpless, however, as time passed, I learned to adapt to my new lifestyle without him around.

 

Complications arose when I met another guy at work who is everything my boyfriend is not. We easily connected - we share a lot more exciting interests than what I have with my boyfriend. I could say that he is my soulmate. I learned to really care for and love this person, and he is completely head over heels about me, even though he knows that I already have a bf. We formed this "secret" world wherein we went out on dates, got intimate oftentimes, and I was even introduced to his family.

 

One day I came clean to my bf, telling about my secret relationship with this guy. I was filled with guilt and shame because my bf loves me very much, so I couldn't help but let it all out. Part of me wanted to leave my bf, but I felt really guilty and doubtful if my new relationship was worth it. I saw how much I hurt my bf during my confession. It was too much, that I wanted to make it up to him right away. However, he was so hurt that he rejected me initially. We gave each other space.

 

After that time away from each other, my boyfriend came to my house one day begging me to start anew. He said he was willing to forget everything, and he wanted us to try again. He couldn't live without me. He just wanted me to say one thing: that I loved HIM and and HIM only.

 

I was overwhelmed. I couldn't. Right away I thought of my soulmate. I don't talk to him anymore, I feel that it won't do me any good. However, I always think of him, hoping that one day - even if it was years from now - that he would come back into my life and we would live happily ever after. We can all dream though. I was happier with him, but I feel like I should give a lot of credit to my boyfirend who was able to forgive me and even almost begged me to come back. He realized all his shortcomings as my boyfriend for 5 years, and said that he was willing to change for me. He just wants me back.

 

There is no spark between me and my ex boyfriend anymore. I feel that the thought of my soulmate and I together, starting a new relationship is blocking that spark. I am very worried that if I don't choose my ex, I would disappoint a lot of people and feel very guilty for the rest of my life. But if I choose to make the relationship work out again, I might long for my soulmate forever and hurt my ex's feelings all over again.

 

I broke up with both parties, and now I am still thinking of who to choose. They are both waiting for my decision. Help! WHO SHOULD I CHOOSE? I know I must think this through and not rely on feelings anymore, which got me into trouble in the first place.

[Brady_to_Moss]

How do you know hes your soul mate? After only a few weeks? Doesnt sound like a soul mate to me. This new "soul mate" probally wont be your last.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think you should let them both go. You have lost your imagination with one, and the other is nothing but your imagination.

[carhill]

Drew, I'll pick Door #3 for rebound

[ilius]

Actually, if you're smart and self-controlled you'll tell both that you need to live life single right now. Now, I'm not that self-controlled, but if you can do it, I would.

[inadilemma]

thanks for your help, ilius.

 

does being single mean that i should cut communication with both?

 

my boyfriend of 5 years is pretty persistent - he keeps calling and texting me. he has become my best friend during our years together, so i pick up his calls anyway and i even call him often as well because he comforts me and helps me decide. it's kinda weird because we're not together but we talk as friends.

 

on the other hand, the guy from work respected my decision about giving each other space, and seldomly texts or calls. we saw each other the other day, and the meeting turned out to be very casual, although i know we both felt that certain spark.

 

what to do...........

[inadilemma]

thanks for your help, Brady_to_Moss.

 

does this mean that he shouldn't be put into consideration anymore? and that the grass isn't greener on the other side? was it just a phase? and that i should make efforts to forget him and go back to my boyfriend of 5 years?

[harmfulsweetz]

Neither. You need to be alone for now, and work out what you want. Right now, things with the 'soulmate' seem fab etc, but you won't know til you know yourself.

[inadilemma]

thanks for your help, harmfulsweetz.

 

i'll do just that. these are helpful comments. asking advice from family and friends really help too, but i had doubts that they were biased. turns out you all have the same opinions. wish me luck.

[harmfulsweetz]

Good luck-it will do you good

[reservoirdog1]

I haven't a clue if you should be with your "soulmate". But it's absolutely clear that your XBF should stay your XBF.

 

I read nothing in your post that gave any good reason for staying with him. The strongest reason was that you don't want to hurt him or disappoint other people. And that's a very flimsy basis for a healthy relationship.

 

Your relationship with your XBF is dead. Bury it and move on.

[lostsunsets]

The posters who are telling you that you need to be alone right now are right. You see there is an issue aside from both your boyfriend and the other man. Its inside you. And that is......you are cheater. Some how you were able to justify lying, and having sex with someone while you hung on to your BF. You are wondering which one to go with? Neither. Why? You don't deserve to be in a committed relationship until you can be true. To your partner and yourself. You said if you don't choose your bf you would feel guilty for the rest of your life. Don't you see the problem with that thinking? You're not guilty about cheating and letting some other guy do you. What happens when the next "soul mate" comes along? I can guarantee that 5 years from now the bloom will be off the new guy and some other "soul mate" will come along. Were you abused as a child somehow? Are your parents divorced? How is your relationship with your father? Get some counseling.

[harmfulsweetz]

Hey

 

I also have to second what lostsunset said, but not so harsh. People make mistakes, they hurt people, but that's people for you. Don't get back with him because of guilt, no one likes breaking hearts, but to do what's right for you, and him, you have to. He'll survive.

 

I have some books to recommend to you.

 

Are you the one for me? By Barbara De Angelis-I was recommended it at a sticky point in my R and it is really insightful, and helpful.

 

It's called a breakup, because it's broken-by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. It will guide you through the break up, helping you avoid making the break up sins, and also help you become the 'you' you want to become.

 

The Naughty Girls' Guide to Life by Tara Palmer Tomkinson, it's witty, funny and most of all, releasing. It'll help you not feel so much guilt about things.

[Dexter Morgan]

How do you know hes your soul mate? After only a few weeks? Doesnt sound like a soul mate to me. This new "soul mate" probally wont be your last.

 

people that can't handle committment that end up cheating, because of the excitement of the cheating, they think their affair partner is their "soulmate".

 

Then if they leave for said "soulmate", when they are having sex with the same person for too awful long, then they get the itch, cheat yet again, and boom....another "soulmate".

 

but whether OP or anyone agrees with that or not....bottom line to inadilemma.....break up with your boyfriend....he deserves better.

[loveslife]

I am not trying to rack you over the coals, because I also believe we all make mistakes, but I think if you're going to be in a mature relationship you do have to take the other person's feelings into consideration.

 

Cheating on your bf is bad. You weren't thinking of his feelings then. And right now you're only thinking of your own feelings with regard to him. How it will make you feel. But honestly, he deserves better. He deserves to be with someone who will love him wholeheartedly and only him.

 

The soul mate also deserves better. He deserves someone who doesn't disrespect him by making him a secret relationship.

 

People with self-respect don't generally get into these situations. Yes, people get carried away but they don't carry on double lives for extended periods of time.

 

Please do stay single. You're not really mentally prepared for a healthy committed relationship.

[bluestraps]

Forget about the soul mate thing Who do you have more fun with . I think when a person gets involved with someone who is already in a relationship that person has issues . If youve stayed in a relationship for a while there isa reason . My advise is to communicate beter and slow down

[Devil Inside]

So reading your post a few things come to mind.

 

1. Why do you have to choose either? There is a third option..stay away from both, spend some time alone...and then enter into a healthier relationship at a later date.

 

2. I think that the reasons you have for taking the ex back are a set up to fail. It sounds like it is motivated primarily by guilt. Guilt for cheating on him. Guilt for disappointing others in your life. I do not think he is an option. There was obviously something not working if you cheated on him...and if you are going to stay faithful something would have to change...so what would change?

 

3. This whole soul mate business. I think this guy was the right guy at the right time. You were probably bored in your five year relationship. Your BF probably gave you 80 percent of what you wanted...but you really yearned for the 20 percent. So along comes a guy that is all about that 20 percent. So to you he seems to give you 100 percent of what you need because he is giving you the 20 percent you are starving for. You are infatuated with this guy. You have great sexual chemistry with this guy. This does not mean you two would have a great long term relationship...doesn't mean you wouldn't...but it doesn't mean you would. So if you pick him...go into it with a realistic viewpoint. We have great chemistry...and maybe we could have a great relationship.

 

4. You cheated. Most of the time when we cheat (I cheated too) it is because of US...not the other person, not the person we cheated on....it is about us. If I were you I would invest some time and money in therapy. I would do some work around issues of relationships and self esteem. I would look at why I cheated. I think this would be a worthwhile investment in having a healthy and mature relationship in the future. Trust me...it is worth it. I cheated on my wife due t my immaturity and issues. Do yourself the favor of working on those issues now.

 

Good luck. Keep posting and update us.