i get hurt by everyone!

[sucker for love]

my supposedly best friends (more than just one) know that they can hurt me behind my back or however, and now my boyfriend has joined in! He is 22 and I am 25. I've had 20+ lovers and I am his 2nd. He says he wants to marry me. I might be pregnant right now. We already have had one abortion and I won't do that again. My question is, how can I get him to not get so worked up and angry at me when he's upset with me? I feel like I have to threaten him with our relationship so that he'll realize that it's for real and I don't want to have to start all over? Basicly, why do people let so much get in the way? Why can't the stupid arguments slide? He's mad at me today for interrupting him during a conversation about gay sex!!! Why is he so emotionally invested in being angry and not just saying what is on his mind? I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to get over it after talking about it. seems most people don't see that. Some are just content to have drama? thanks for your help.

[Tony T]

You ask a lot of questions many people would like the answers to.

 

There are a lot of people whose favorite emotion is anger. This is an irrational and learned behavior from childhood. We get angry because things don't go the way we want them to or people don't behave the way we think they should. I know it's pretty stupid but that's the way it is. I don't think the world is set up for things to go our way 100 percent of the time.

 

Your boyfriend has never learned rational responses to things he doesn't like or agree with. Such responses as disappointment or frustration may win him more friends but he wants to get angry and you're not going to change that.

 

You can suggest he buy a book by Albert Ellis entitled: "How to Pratically Never Upset Yourself About Anything"

 

Isn't it so strange that your boyfriend actually enjoys upsetting himself so much. He may even die never realizing that it wasn't other people who made him angry...it was his decision to become so. What a guy!!!

 

His problem is that he wants to control everything. He may have felt very helpless and out of control as a child. Now, in adulthood, he can scream and yell to get some measure of control. What he doesn't realize is that he's making a total ass of himself and losing the respect of everyone around him. That's probably what was used on him in his youth in order to control him.

 

There is also a good chance he feels a great deal of anger at people elsewhere, at work, school, etc., and takes it out (or displaces) it on you. That's not what you are here for. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will.

 

The larger question here is WHY do you remain with him? It is impossible to love someone whose behavior you detest. The MAJORITY of men are not like this and become angry sparingly and when they feel the situation calls for it.

 

You both have big problems. He has one in which repressed anger from his childhood surfaces routinely in the most ordinary circumstances. Your problem is you stick around, waiting for things to change, keep getting pregnant, keep allowing your friends to hurt you behind your back, etc.

 

A decent man would have taken note after your first abortion and made arrangements for appropriate and mutually acceptable birth control for you so you would not have to be put through that ordeal again.

 

Learn to pick better men, better lovers, better friends. Real friends won't hurt you and a decent boyfriend won't lose his cool every time the phone rings.

 

Do you really think this is a guy you want to marry? If you marry him and he doesn't change (chances are better I will win the lottery on Saturday), you are in for a life of hell. Most people would rather put hell off until their afterlife rather than beginning their term right here on earth.

 

So now, if you choose to stick around this aggravation, you have yourself to blame and not your crappy friends or your butthole boyfriend.

 

You say you don't want to start over. Babe, you are very young. The energy you will spend finding a decent guy is a tiny fraction of the energy you will spend during your lifetime taking crappola from your curreny honeybunch.

[billy the kid]

First off your not a sucker,Ok? I work with a bunch of guys that feel like if they act angry they are cool. he is pushing your buttons, don't let him. the next time he shows his ass walk out, go to wall mart or any where away from him don't show anger, fear,hurt, or any emotion just leave, then when you get back don't discuss it with him unless he can be human.. mainly just don't let him know that you care one way or another that you care , he is mad. it really is a process that will help you,cuz you can't react to everyone else's emotions untill you learn to control yours while you are out take some time to think how your feeling, you have a right to have certain feelings also.. I wish you the best..

my supposedly best friends (more than just one) know that they can hurt me behind my back or however, and now my boyfriend has joined in! He is 22 and I am 25. I've had 20+ lovers and I am his 2nd. He says he wants to marry me. I might be pregnant right now. We already have had one abortion and I won't do that again. My question is, how can I get him to not get so worked up and angry at me when he's upset with me? I feel like I have to threaten him with our relationship so that he'll realize that it's for real and I don't want to have to start all over? Basicly, why do people let so much get in the way? Why can't the stupid arguments slide? He's mad at me today for interrupting him during a conversation about gay sex!!! Why is he so emotionally invested in being angry and not just saying what is on his mind? I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm willing to get over it after talking about it. seems most people don't see that. Some are just content to have drama? thanks for your help.