LisaUk Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hi guys I'm back! I think the problem I had has now been resolved, I think perhaps I overreacted. I do hope you all don't mind me coming back, I've missed you all and your support (although I have been reading), it's only been a week and I am falling apart without you guys. This week away has made me realise how much further I have yet to go. I'm falling apart. Will I ever get over this, will I ever be able to move on from how my ex treated me? The pain of what he has done is still with me, it's been 6 months next week, is this ever going to go or am I going to have to live with this for the rest of my life? I don't miss him per sa, it's more the hurt and pain of his betrayal. I just feel very depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 :bunny: Welcome back Lisa!!:bunny: We all missed you too. The pain is a good thing Lis, Gunny says it's weakness leaving the body. Look at how strong you are since you first arrived. Your learning and growing as you go through all of this. It will stop, you will be happy again, and you will find someone better. It just takes time to comprehend and to heal. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Lisa > You need to Get A Life! You feel the way you do because you allow it to! Get angry with yourself for stagnating in the same place. Do something about it. Stop yourself from wallowing in the mire of self deprication. Are you a masochist? Why are you pining for somebody who treated you with so much disrespect? You will be starting your course soon. Focus on that. Set targets. At this stage, your targets should be short term, with rewards. Do a task for two hours, whatever it is, reading, workout etc. Stay on the task. At the end of the two hours, reward yourself with something, then start another task. If two hours is too long, start with 10 minutes and increase the duration each time. Productivity is the only way. Even if you hate the task. Stick to it until completion. You will feel great after that. I don't mean to be harsh Lisa, but I have been where you are and lost so much time doing nothing but wallow in negative thinking. I have achieved so much by using a systematic approach to everyday life. Do it! Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 WELCOME BACK!!!!!!! Don't worry, 6 moths isn't nothing. They say it takes 2-5 years for people to get over a divorce. Yes I know you are saying; wow that is a long time, but for me it has been a year and in some ways it seems like yesterday. I still once in a while will hear something on the radio that will bring a tear to my eye & I say to myself; self, what the heck was that??? You just learn those are ways God is teaching you, making you learn about yourself. I know each person is different & not everything works for everyone, but for me joining some of the classes at my church has been a great help. I've been taking classes that are based on books from Henry Cloud/John Townsend, which help you grow as a person, but you also meet people that are going thru the same thing you are so you realize you aren't the only one out there, plus you build new friendships so for me that has been a great help. This isn't something that will just go away & if you ignore it then it will just take longer so you might as well just face it head on & work it out. Good to hear you missed us & glad you are back....(HUGS!!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hey Lisa! Oh hon! I am glad you are back...things have been really crappy on my end too!!! Why don't you just move in with me? LOL ...the feelings will change and you will not be living with this, you will have lived thru it! PW I may not be religious but I really like your signature Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 hi lisa, glad you're back, but sorry it's under these circumstances. you're asking questions you know the answers to. you WILL be fine. you'll be in school soon, and it'll just dissipate as time rolls on. i'm having a rough go of it myself, right now. hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks all of you! Nomad, I am doing things, I'm going swimming with a friend every weekend, I'm learning to drive, just passed the theory test this week , will be booking my practical test soon. I've started reading The Times everyday ready for my law degree, been down to the uni last week, did a trial run on the train (from Totnes! LOL), looked round the campus, found my building etc. Had a look round the Students Union and checked out some of the clubs, think I might join the Archery club, I can imagine the target to be my ex's head! :rolleyes: It still burns though... PW, thanks for the welcome back and the kind words. 2-5 years! I may lose my mind altogether, oh well, you can all come visit me in the nut house, ok? Seriously though, I apprecaite all your support. I tried to find a church group, there just aren't any in my area. Maybe I will meet some like minded people at uni, there is a Mature Students club, maybe there, you never know? Ladybug, thanks for your welcome back, I know you have been having it tough, I've been redaing your thread everyday. When do your roommates move in? It is going to get better, for all of us, we have to keep believing that. MayI, thanks to you to, I know you are having a hard time, been reading. Those papers will be with her shortly and we are all here to listen, however that goes! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 lisa a pleasent surprise to see your return You know it is the old roller coaster, the hills start to get less steep, then we get hit with the 6 month anniversary, and we are back to a low low, a low we all had to endure, this too shall pass Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Roommates are moving in today and tomorrow...so odd to invite strangers into my home but so necessary...I am afraid the courts will say to sell it and I won't qualify for a new house...I don't want to rent... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 lisa a pleasent surprise to see your return You know it is the old roller coaster, the hills start to get less steep, then we get hit with the 6 month anniversary, and we are back to a low low, a low we all had to endure, this too shall pass Very true Gallon. This friday would have been our anniversary. Not sure what I should do with that, but I'm bracing for a backslide i hope never comes. At least i see them coming now. I think your in the same boat Lisa, it will take a long time to be fully over it, but it will get easier everyday. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks Gallon, yes I think the half year anniversary may be playing a part as well. I just cannot get over how badly he treated me, I keep having moments of "WTF!! Who would do that to someone they spent more than half their life with? Just walk, no warning, nothing." I'll PM you Gallon! Ladybug, that must be starnge to have to share your home like that. My friends mum went through a divorce when she was 15, her dad had another women who he got pregnant. Her mum took in lodgers (roommates) to help pay the morgage, it worked out well in the long term, she is now retired, the house all paid up! Hope it works out for you. Tojaz, try not to dwell too much on Friday, our anniversary was 2 weeks after my ex left and he even had the check to DEMAND I sorted out a load of legal stuff that day, until I told him where to stick it that was! I know what you mean though, when I passed my theroy test last week, I had this urge to call him, like I would have before, came out the test centre and cried! Expect people probably thought I had failed! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 That's the nice thing about this forum, when you do something you are proud of & want to share it with your stbx spouse you can share with us instead. I used to share everything with my former wife & even to this day something will happen & the first thing is to tell her so it doesn't just go away. You meet new friends & share that excitement with them. Something else I would like to share. Remember people/friends come & go in your life for a reason, for a season so you may meet someone that will help you and then fade away. I believe sometimes those are angels because I have had many of people that just pop in at the right time & then they are gone. Sounds like you have a good track on school & good idea to check it out early so you don't have that added stress.... Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hey Lisa. I'm really glad you're back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks PW, I certainly did miss you all. I wonder about the angel thing myself sometimes. I had a very dear friend at uni who I later discovered had been suffering with Bulimia, unbeknowing to me I had helped her overcome it! Not that I am saying I'm an angel or anything, just that sometimes fate or God seems to lend a helping hand. SHB, good to be back, I kept reading your thread! I just added you to my contacts if you want to put my face to my name, you to PW. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Hey Lisa, 6 months seems to be a VERY common theme in the relapse category (I lurk waaaaay too much on these forums!). I'm even reading this book (yes, another one!), "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", that says: "The feelings of separation may feel greater three days, three weeks, three months, six months, and a year after the loss". So there you go. Completely normal. You know it's going to take time (yes, maybe a year or more), and you know you're going to relapse from time to time. It's normal, accept the pain. What he did is almost incomprehensible. Link to post Share on other sites
obscure Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 LisaUK, everyone here knows you are trying your best, so don't be hard on yourself. And you said something that really made me think. You said, "I don't miss him per sa, it's more the hurt and pain of his betrayal. I just feel very depressed." You know, I have gotten to that point myself, but the part I am having some difficulty on is the betrayal as well. I have gotten to the point where that is how I feel. So I totally know what you are going through. You are going to be fine though, I know it. I am not much on giving advice so all I can say is buckle down and hang on and it will all be much better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Lisa / Tojaz One of the techniques I used to get throught the paid was to welcome it. My philosophy was that I told myself that such things as pain and happiness equal out over a lifetime. Call it a sadness / happiness bank. I told myself that the more pain I suffered then, meant that there was that much more happiness I could expect later on in life Also, I used the pain as a reminder that I was alive and breathing. And more important that my suffering was a proof that I was capable of love, and that someday I would have the chance to experience it again. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Lisa PW is so right, I have had the same experience. There have been several times that angels / fate / destiny, what ever you want to call it stepped in and steered my life towards somebody of something new. How else can I explain my accidently discovering that I was cut out to do historical research? I have learned to expect the unexpected when I least expect it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Pain is weakness leaving the body! Pain is one of the greatest teachers of all time! Pain teaches, makes you grow when you've a lesson to learn ~ but you've become too complacent to learn the lessons that you need to learn. Pain is usually the child of loss and / or failure. Human beings are hard wired to learn from failure ~ not success. Failure combined with pain ~ is Mother Natures way of teaching her children, "Don't do that again dumb @zz!" The first time we got shocked or burned by electricity or fire? We learned R E S P E C T! For all here currently going through this? Its not so much that you failed them as they failed the concept of 'us' We could sit her for a week of Sundays discussing 'would've, could've, and should've's' and wouldn't be worth a hoot owls hoot in a hurricane. First off? The single biggest cause of divorce across the globe? Marriage! (Sorry just had to throw that one in there! ) But for most of us? Its just a lack of EXPERIENCE, KNOWLEDGE, AND THE NECESSARY SKILL SET to pull it off to begin with. Most of just simply got involved too young and too quickly and for all the wrong reasons. And we simply lacked the experience, knowledge, inter-personal relationship, communication skills to begin with. Most of first time marriages end in divorce and even more second and third time marriages end in divorce at a higer rate than first time marriages. (Can you spell rebound?) Most that get divorce after the first time ~ simply do not take the time to learn from their mistakes, and to realize their lack of experience, knowledge and skill set. And that's not even factoring into the equation the other party's lack of such? All of you that are going through the pains of seperation/divorce are being way, way ~ way too hard on yourselfs, and beating yourself up over what you could have, should have, done! And last but not least! The EX ain't no SAINT! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 And last but not least! The EX ain't no SAINT! And that's the fact jack!!!!! Mine sure tried to make it sound like she was & that it was all my fault, but you know what? She is finding out this old man wasn't that bad of a person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Hey Lisa, 6 months seems to be a VERY common theme in the relapse category (I lurk waaaaay too much on these forums!). I'm even reading this book (yes, another one!), "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", that says: "The feelings of separation may feel greater three days, three weeks, three months, six months, and a year after the loss". So there you go. Completely normal. You know it's going to take time (yes, maybe a year or more), and you know you're going to relapse from time to time. It's normal, accept the pain. What he did is almost incomprehensible. Thanks SHB, good to know that, I thought I would be getting better all the time, the longer it got, it's good to know it's normal to feel the loss more at the 6 month mark. Next one after this is a year though right? Yay! That's a way off! LOL Incomprehensibile, very good way of describing what he did to me, yes, 18 years, 8 year engaement, four different wedding venues, two churches and the Vicar round to our house for tea! Incomprehensible, perfect way to describe it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 And that's the fact jack!!!!! Mine sure tried to make it sound like she was & that it was all my fault, but you know what? She is finding out this old man wasn't that bad of a person. Same here PW, same here! Yet, he walked, actually said "couldn't be bothered to try and work things out, was too much of a mountain for us to climb, I felt", nice By the way, YOUR NOT OLD! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 By the way, YOUR NOT OLD! Old but young at heart!!!! I can still keep up with my 19 year old so I think I'm doing o.k. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Lisa / Tojaz One of the techniques I used to get throught the paid was to welcome it. My philosophy was that I told myself that such things as pain and happiness equal out over a lifetime. Call it a sadness / happiness bank. I told myself that the more pain I suffered then, meant that there was that much more happiness I could expect later on in life Also, I used the pain as a reminder that I was alive and breathing. And more important that my suffering was a proof that I was capable of love, and that someday I would have the chance to experience it again. This is a really good post, Gallon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Right, well, this is me in a bit a bit of a flap! I start uni in 12 hours! Am a bit nervous, help! I know, I know, I will be ok, is first day nerves is all.............. arrrghhhh. Link to post Share on other sites
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