Author LisaUk Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Well today has been hard. I don't know why, but I have had overwhelming moments of total and devastating pain, like the first few weeks to be honest. They sort of crept up on me from nowhere and I spent the majotiy of the afternoon sobbing. Doesn't he realise how f******g much this hurts He obviously doesn't care. I will never understand how someone can walk like that after 18 years, no warning, no explanation, no chance. I don't know why I even care anymore, I have seen there is better out there, much better, real intimacy, which he was simply just not capable of. I don't think it's so much I miss him or even love him in the same way that I did, it's more that I am so hurt by the way he has treated me after all the love I gave him, unconditionally, for so many years. There was barely a day that went by when I didn't tell him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. It just feels like such a total betrayal. On a positive note, I finally managed to get my music sorted and stored on my computer and loaded on my i-pod (my ex made a right mess and had corupted most of the music files on our PC, so I lost a lot, but hey ho). It's taken me six months to get round to organising it all, so now I have music on the way to Uni YAY! Not much of a positive I know, but it's the best I can do today! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Lisa It finally dawned on me, he was your first love. Damn! This makes it all the harder. I still have a fondness in my heart for my first love. I have had a few girl friends in my life, and I would guess more than half of them would eventually bring up their first love at some time in our R. I can recall even meeting a couple of them. To be told "He was my first" This will take some thought Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Lisa It finally dawned on me, he was your first love. Damn! This makes it all the harder. I still have a fondness in my heart for my first love. I have had a few girl friends in my life, and I would guess more than half of them would eventually bring up their first love at some time in our R. I can recall even meeting a couple of them. To be told "He was my first" This will take some thought Yes Gallon he was, I was with him from age 15, I had a few BF's before, but nothing serious just teenage stuff. He is also the only person I have ever sleep with. I wanted to spend my life with him, I never thought for a second this would happen, 18 years is a long time. I have never been single as an adult before, it's weird. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I don't know why I even care anymore, I have seen there is better out there, much better, real intimacy, which he was simply just not capable of. I don't think it's so much I miss him or even love him in the same way that I did, it's more that I am so hurt by the way he has treated me after all the love I gave him, unconditionally, for so many years. There was barely a day that went by when I didn't tell him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. It just feels like such a total betrayal. Lis Your always going to care to some degree. You devoted over half your life to this man. Regardless of how he has treated you and what he has become, that is a tremendous loss. Even if you find the man of your dreams that fulfills you in every way, he will always inhabit a place in your heart. It does no justice to what you meant to each other to believe otherwise. You loved him the best you knew how, you were commited, in your mind you were marrried. That will always hurt that he wasn't able to do that with you. Take that hurt, acknowledge it and file it away in that tiny piece of your heart reserved for him. You have so much to offer someone better, don't waste it on hurting for someone so undeserving. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Lis Your always going to care to some degree. You devoted over half your life to this man. Regardless of how he has treated you and what he has become, that is a tremendous loss. Even if you find the man of your dreams that fulfills you in every way, he will always inhabit a place in your heart. It does no justice to what you meant to each other to believe otherwise. You loved him the best you knew how, you were commited, in your mind you were marrried. That will always hurt that he wasn't able to do that with you. Take that hurt, acknowledge it and file it away in that tiny piece of your heart reserved for him. You have so much to offer someone better, don't waste it on hurting for someone so undeserving. TOJAZ Thanks Tojaz, I know it's always going to be with me isn't it? I was with him longer in my lifetime so far than without him. I did feel married and he said he did to, but clearly that wasn't the case. He was never THERE, not really, not fully, he always kept a part of himself back, CP I guess, I just wish I had seen it sooner, much sooner. So, how do I file it away? I want to, I really do. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 lisa.... when you learn how to file IT away...PLEASE LET ME KNOW TOO:(:( my heart is so broken... today i am in denial...again...after 6 months of hard work...here i am again... how did i get HERE again??????????? how did this even happen?? why did this happen?????? i am so tired of doing well, and then getting knocked on my a** again! i am so angry this OW made such a fool of me all these months.... she just took over MY LIFE!..MYLIFE!!!!!!!! how does someone just take over another's life...like i don't even exist... how does she live with herself??? im sorry.i just keep hitch hiking on everyone else's threads tonight.. i start out OK..but i start crying while im typing and then IT turns into ALL ABOUT ME and my pain...im sorry... i feel like i am not even making any sense when i type or talk.. my mind is just filled with rage and angrer and hurt... these 2, H and OW, have destroyed ME...i feel like they took part of m SOUL and just crushed IT:mad: sorry lis...i will go complain in another thread..LOL...im a mess today:o Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 LISA & DELA....I LOVE YOU!!!! These people will never understand what honest love will conquer all! Ok so I am a hopless romantic but I really am optimistic...they threw us away right? Well it is their loss! They never gave us a chance because they did not want it, they thought the grass was greener on the otherside...Dela maybe for him it is...maybe he likes her pig pen LOL...Lisa who cares! you are making yourself so much better! For all the things they found wrong with us there will be just as many (and I am sure more) wrong with others...If they don't that is the life they choose and none of us deserve to settle with someone who does not love us totally! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 LISA & DELA....I LOVE YOU!!!! These people will never understand what honest love will conquer all! Ok so I am a hopless romantic but I really am optimistic...they threw us away right? Well it is their loss! They never gave us a chance because they did not want it, they thought the grass was greener on the otherside...Dela maybe for him it is...maybe he likes her pig pen LOL...Lisa who cares! you are making yourself so much better! For all the things they found wrong with us there will be just as many (and I am sure more) wrong with others...If they don't that is the life they choose and none of us deserve to settle with someone who does not love us totally! Another great post Ladybug!!! Like I said before, you've come a long way baby!!!! The key for both Dela and Lisa is this......... They only have as much power over you as you are willing to give them!!!! This board, myself included, is full of, what had, and how did, and living in the past. Look tto the future! What now, how do I get better. At the end of the day, it dosen't matter how we got here, were already here. How are we going to get out is the focus. Lisa, Dela, Ladybug, someday all you ex's are going to realize what they gave up. There going to be used and abused and realize what a good spouse is worth and that they lostthat opportunity due to their own selfishness. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Hey Lisa, sorry to hear about that awful backslide yesterday. And dela you too. See, there is something about the 6 month mark... You're doing all the right things, and so time will do its thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I think the hardest thing to accept is acceptance.... it is hard to think we have to move on to something new that we may have not wanted.... and the fact we did not want that change... we wanted what we can't have now.... and it wasn't our choice.... But we will live thru it because we have to..... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 How do you get PM capability? 1. Go back to main forum page 2. Click on My Control Panel/CP (Upper left hand corner) 3. Click on Edit Options 4. Make selections about receiving Private Messaging. Link to post Share on other sites
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