joemarriage Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I'm sure this has been on here but here I go. My wife and I have haD our problems and we have worked through them. The only problem left is sex. When it is convinient for her and she's in the mood we have sex. If I want it and she's not in the mood I'm told " I'm bot in the mood". It sucks because were supposed to be a team. If I approach her about the subject she just gets pissed and then cuts it off until she really needs it again, we've gone two months before. My question is how do you approach the subject with out sounding like too much of an ass hole. I've held out when she wanted it and she get pissed too, and that's just stupid of me because what if she decides to hold out, then I blew it. Thanks forthe help. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 "I'm sorry, why is this all about what you want? marriage is a compromise, isn't it? I need to know what's wrong. Do you not love me any more? Am I suddenly a turn-off to you? Is there someone else? because if the three answers you're giving me are 'no' - then what can we do to change this?" Try that...... Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 You simply asked her this. The difference in our desire levels is high. Which is hard for both of us. It might really help if we could both see if I can learn how to get you aroused, when you start out "not in the mood"? Most women, over time have a lower libido/baseline arousal level then their men. So to give you the two extremes - when I was first married, a couple times when we were watching a movie, I took my wifes hand, and put it on my lap - so she could feel my hard on through my pants. Her reaction was - baby - this approach of "I am horny, lets screw is a serious turn off". So then she taught me a few things. One is to be affectionate without sex during the day. Which is easier now that I am older (46 - married 20), so I hug her from behind and just rub her shoulders. The other is for sex. When she is not in the mood: 1. Non sexual body massage 2. Sensual body massage 3. Foreplay as long as she likes, the way she likes it 4. Sex She taught me 1/2/3 by doing to MY body what she wanted me to do to her body. So she massaged ME the way she wanted me to massage her - both for steps 1 and 2. Because wife taught me this it basically became a situation where as long as I am nice about it, we had sex as much as I wanted. But I did have a few other factors in my favor. Before marriage I told her sex was a big deal to me, and sexual starvation would not be acceptable. I also stayed in really good shape - some women don't care - I know it helps with mine. Even if the visual is not as big a deal to her, the "effort" is appreciated. >>>>>>>>> At 46 sometimes the tables are turned now. And I almost always let her get ME in the mood if she wants sex. That is simply being considerate. It is VERY selfish to just say - I am not in the mood, go away. Especially if you are not having sex very often and your spouse is feeling neglected/rejected. I'm sure this has been on here but here I go. My wife and I have haD our problems and we have worked through them. The only problem left is sex. When it is convinient for her and she's in the mood we have sex. If I want it and she's not in the mood I'm told " I'm bot in the mood". It sucks because were supposed to be a team. If I approach her about the subject she just gets pissed and then cuts it off until she really needs it again, we've gone two months before. My question is how do you approach the subject with out sounding like too much of an ass hole. I've held out when she wanted it and she get pissed too, and that's just stupid of me because what if she decides to hold out, then I blew it. Thanks forthe help. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 How are the romantic aspects (outside of the bedroom) of your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinwithyou Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I'm sure this has been on here but here I go. My wife and I have haD our problems and we have worked through them. The only problem left is sex. When it is convinient for her and she's in the mood we have sex. If I want it and she's not in the mood I'm told " I'm bot in the mood". It sucks because were supposed to be a team. If I approach her about the subject she just gets pissed and then cuts it off until she really needs it again, we've gone two months before. My question is how do you approach the subject with out sounding like too much of an ass hole. I've held out when she wanted it and she get pissed too, and that's just stupid of me because what if she decides to hold out, then I blew it. Thanks forthe help. me and my wife live in separate rooms for twenty years I thought as a man I won't beg he for sex it is her job to provide it to me and if she doesn't want to so be it we get along just fine, I go to my room watch my movies and spank it all I want any time any day any how and you know what I feel like a million bucks don't listen to all the responses blaming you and your behavior "mostly women" here is my ten cents when you Spank Rosie Rosie won't ask you for money It won't ask you to take her out to dinner and it won't ask for hugs and kisses when you don't feel like it and it won't bitch at you every now and then you don't have to wait for her to cum so do I like do go to your separate rooms and get your movie collections and then go to town man " on you own" I am happy she is happy and we like a little Fonzies Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Priceless. Do you write the scripts for cheech and chong? really, you're very funny, and I want to thank you for that. You truly do bring a bit of light relief to an otherwise serious thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I know marriage isn't this one-dimensional, but - why are you married if there's no sexual intimacy? Link to post Share on other sites
So Lonely Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 My question is how do you approach the subject with out sounding like too much of an ass hole. Hi Joe, I've been in your wife's shoes. It is all in your attitude. Try this when you talk to her (this is how I would like to be spoken to). 1. Affirm your relationship (start with a positive comment) 2. Use an “I” statement (not a “you” statement). “I feel X when you do Y.” 3. Say what you might have done, for example, “this is what I am responsible for.” 4. Ask: “how can we solve this together?” Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I'm sure this has been on here but here I go. My wife and I have haD our problems and we have worked through them. The only problem left is sex. When it is convinient for her and she's in the mood we have sex. If I want it and she's not in the mood I'm told " I'm bot in the mood". It sucks because were supposed to be a team. If I approach her about the subject she just gets pissed and then cuts it off until she really needs it again, we've gone two months before. My question is how do you approach the subject with out sounding like too much of an ass hole. I've held out when she wanted it and she get pissed too, and that's just stupid of me because what if she decides to hold out, then I blew it. Thanks forthe help. You talked to her about it.. didn't do anything.. well I'm afraid you're doomed .. you won't get any more than you're getting now.. she's just not interested anymore... How long have you been married? Link to post Share on other sites
LolitaVida Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I'm sure this has been on here but here I go. My wife and I have haD our problems and we have worked through them. The only problem left is sex. When it is convinient for her and she's in the mood we have sex. If I want it and she's not in the mood I'm told " I'm bot in the mood". It sucks because were supposed to be a team. If I approach her about the subject she just gets pissed and then cuts it off until she really needs it again, we've gone two months before. My question is how do you approach the subject with out sounding like too much of an ass hole. I've held out when she wanted it and she get pissed too, and that's just stupid of me because what if she decides to hold out, then I blew it. Thanks forthe help. Maybe it's what happens during the day that turns her off in such a way that she is almost never in the mood. How does she feel in your marriage? are you treating and talking to her the way you should? a lot of women, if they feel like second class citizens' in the marriage will disengage and use sex as a way to get back at you your being an ass. maybe she is unhappy? Link to post Share on other sites
asireen Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 me and my wife live in separate rooms for twenty years I thought as a man I won't beg he for sex it is her job to provide it to me and if she doesn't want to so be it we get along just fine, I go to my room watch my movies and spank it all I want any time any day any how and you know what I feel like a million bucks don't listen to all the responses blaming you and your behavior "mostly women" here is my ten cents when you Spank Rosie Rosie won't ask you for money It won't ask you to take her out to dinner and it won't ask for hugs and kisses when you don't feel like it and it won't bitch at you every now and then you don't have to wait for her to cum so do I like do go to your separate rooms and get your movie collections and then go to town man " on you own" I am happy she is happy and we like a little Fonzies Let me add to that. Be open minded and flexible, it is very easy to get a relationship, physical or otherwise via the internet. Just take your time and do the due diligence. Some effort must be put in a relationship with the wife, but beyond a certain point, it is time to throw in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 "I feel like I'm not valued and desirable anymore. I want a divorce" Then, prepare the documents and file them. Guaranteed to get the attention of all but the most callous females. Link to post Share on other sites
asireen Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 "I feel like I'm not valued and desirable anymore. I want a divorce" Then, prepare the documents and file them. Well said. A lot of times it is about power and control. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Joe, Sex is 10% of the relationship when it is going well, and 90% of the relationship when it is going poorly. Sounds like you are in the 90% bucket. Having a strong physical need does not make you bad, perverted or "only interested in sex". In fact the only people I know who are "only interested in sex" from their partners, are that way because their partners are starving them of sex. You ever think about parity? About fairness? What happens when your wife wants to talk to you about something that is important to her and you tell her "I am not in the mood to discuss that right now". And if she persists and pressures you, you say "If you pressure me, I just feel even less desire to discuss it, so don't bring it up again, if/when I feel like talking about this with you, I will bring it up"? What happens if you do the same thing when she wants something fixed, or she wants....,...,...? See the thing is, in my house, my wife asks for something she gets platinum service with a smile. I ask for something I get the same. She asks for more stuff than I do, so what. We both know that and neither of us cares. We both make the other a high priority. My wife might tease me about having a high drive, but she never slams me for it. She knew I was like this before we married. Just like I knew she had a lot of things she is really particular about before marriage. Your wife can only treat you as bad as you let her. Well said. A lot of times it is about power and control. Link to post Share on other sites
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