Neutrino Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Partner and myself have been together for just over 5 years. He was never exactly obsessed with sex, both of us have very demanding jobs and I travel internationally very often. I love him dearly and I have no reason to think it is different from his side, however, we have sex only a few times a year. I didn't even notice when exactly sex-life turned into sex-death, it just crept up I think. Our relationship feels more like being best friends rather than lovers. It is a first long relationship for both of us, we are in our mid-30s and child-free. It has lasted so long (to my perception) from his side - that it is really affecting me too, I don't think he's having an affair, but I feel like the relationship is simply fading away.... And what now...? Link to post Share on other sites
Karmababe Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Talk to him ... tell him you're unhappy with this .. see what transpires from there - unless, you've already addressed it ... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 He may have low testosterone levels. When was his last physical? He might need to get it checked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Done and done Of course when we talk about it he assures me he finds me attractive and is still in love with me and we just have a demanding life-style, but when I want more - he still rejects me. On the rear occasion when he seems interested it is either when he knows it is impossible - when it is extremely late and I have to get up early the next day, or when the miracle finally happens - it seems from my perspective he is just performing a chore.... Ok, right now we are going through some other issues (not originating from our relationship) but this situation started long before that... I'm really at a loss - we are not one of those couples that have to search each other with hints and clues - we talk openly about everything and always did, so this is not a question of communication. None of us had a long relationship before - so we haven't a clue if this is normal. I think sex is one of the basic components in a healthy relationship, and after over a year - it is starting to get to me.....While normally I would be oblivious to the presence of other men and I feel my focus slowly shifting away from my (much loved) partner. I have no intention of cheating - although I don't control the way I feel - I absolutely control my actions, but I also don't want to live with this inner struggle. ** I have to add - Although I minimize on make-up, I'm in top condition and I take care of myself. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Are you still in love, or have you become a habit for one another? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 We still love each other, but it doesn't feel like it did 1-2 years back. We are a great team and each other's allies and best friends, but hey - this doesn't even sound like I'm describing a romantic relationship..... From my side I still find him attractive, but each time I want to approach him I already start thinking about the likely rejection and this makes me think "What's the point ?" so sometimes I don't even try anymore. When he comes up to me - it overall leaves the impression like he's doing it only for the show - without any intention of having sex. Nevertheless - we exchange emails from our work, and texts, we talk on the phone daily when one of us is gone and we miss each other a lot. We are going on a short vacation in a few weeks from now - so I guess I will try again (die-hard).... But I feel like something is slipping away - I don't even have words to describe..... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Sounds a bit like "love, but not IN love", doesn't it? Have you actually tried discussing it with him? I mean, all aspects, intimacy, closeness, Effort, Commitment, that kind of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Always sounds like some harlequin romance line.... The fact is you two sound as if you were never too interested in sex, which while I don't understand is not all that unusual from being on LS. The problem is your husband has some issues.... He travels and you are apart and upon his return he doesn't want to rip your clothes off??? 5 years in and a few times a year is ok and your husband rejects you the few extra times you request it (or more likely initiate it)???? Please stop using the stress and demands of a job as an excuse, which to me should be more reason to have sex and release that stress:rolleyes:. Stress is real financial issues and kids, or aging sick parents. I will ask the question that is ignored... Do you masturbate at all when he is gone? How have your other relationships been (as you have stated this is your first long-term relationship) this abnormal? Do you have issues in your past that has made you quite asexual too, as you seem bothered but not terribly concerned about this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Always sounds like some harlequin romance line.... The fact is you two sound as if you were never too interested in sex, which while I don't understand is not all that unusual from being on LS. The problem is your husband has some issues.... He travels and you are apart and upon his return he doesn't want to rip your clothes off??? 5 years in and a few times a year is ok and your husband rejects you the few extra times you request it (or more likely initiate it)???? Please stop using the stress and demands of a job as an excuse, which to me should be more reason to have sex and release that stress:rolleyes:. Stress is real financial issues and kids, or aging sick parents. I will ask the question that is ignored... Do you masturbate at all when he is gone? How have your other relationships been (as you have stated this is your first long-term relationship) this abnormal? Do you have issues in your past that has made you quite asexual too, as you seem bothered but not terribly concerned about this issue. How much of my post did you actually read ? It is I that travels often for work - he works shifts (a winning combination right off ha ?), when I get back it is normally late in the evening after some long days of hard work and a drive of around 900 km. Of course I'm happy to see him but I drop unconscious before I know it. Let me clarify that this does not happen every week - averagely once every 6 weeks. I have NEVER had any problems with sex - of any kind and to the best of my knowledge neither did he, we both did our fair share of dating (and practiced safe sex of course) before we met. My other relationships before him were totally casual, I was studying and building my career - so was simply not into a serious relationship. Ahum.... I mentioned once maybe I should buy a "tool" and he reacted offended, so I didn't. Right I'm not dead-worried about this - I'd rather deal with problems long before they become something I would dead-worry about.... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 How much of my post did you actually read ? It is I that travels often for work - he works shifts (a winning combination right off ha ?), when I get back it is normally late in the evening after some long days of hard work and a drive of around 900 km. Of course I'm happy to see him but I drop unconscious before I know it. Let me clarify that this does not happen every week - averagely once every 6 weeks. I have NEVER had any problems with sex - of any kind and to the best of my knowledge neither did he, we both did our fair share of dating (and practiced safe sex of course) before we met. My other relationships before him were totally casual, I was studying and building my career - so was simply not into a serious relationship. Ahum.... I mentioned once maybe I should buy a "tool" and he reacted offended, so I didn't. Right I'm not dead-worried about this - I'd rather deal with problems long before they become something I would dead-worry about.... I think read everything correctly except for you being the one who traveled, which means nothing in the context of my response.... Either way when one partner is gone for a while, the first thing you want to do upon their return if they are not too tired is have sex (and by the way that goes too for prior to them leaving)..... I will tell you the too stressed from work is the biggest cop out (see my prior post)..... You probably know very little about his past relationships (especially when it comes to sex).... 5 years in, mid 30's, no children, probably little financial stress and yes I stand by that there are issues that will not go away. I suggest you buy an aid and tell him you need to use it, because there is not enough coming from the real thing. Sorry to be so blunt.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 On the rear occasion when he seems interested it is either when he knows it is impossible Freudian slip? Just kidding, but made me laugh . Right I'm not dead-worried about this - I'd rather deal with problems long before they become something I would dead-worry about.... Perhaps my priorities are different, but you posted elsewhere that it's been "over a year". Long, long time for two healthy adults in their 30's, even taking your lifestyle into account. It seems way past time to tiptoe around his feelings and time to drag this kicking and screaming out into the open. Couples counseling would be one answer and, if he won't go, you should look to your future elsewhere. Life's too short - and good sex to much fun - to go another year like this... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LolitaVida Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Maybe he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore? Maybe he really is cheating? But for you to find out what the issue is on his part and change things, you have to TALK TO HIM about everything, how your sex life or lack thereof makes you feel and take steps to change things. IMO, at 30, regardless of your lifestyles sex should always be a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 It is fairly likely (more then 50% likely) that you are now in a sexless relationship that is permanent. This is just an honest assessment. So no offence intended. I have had some super high stress jobs and they have had at most - worst case scenario a 50% impact on my drive level. Your man may love you. Truly deeply love you. But for some reason sex with you is not something he wants. It is "possible" that he has a decently high drive and is squandering and yes that word choice is deliberate, his energy on porn. Nothing wrong with porn - except when it replaces real, relationship sex. When you do approach this with him he is going to hit you with a long list of possible tactics including claiming that the situation is common/normal - it is NOT. Claiming it is just work stress - it is NOT. Attacking you for pressuring him - YOU are not the problem. Vague promises that it will improve possibly followed up by a night or two of mercy sex to get you to get off his back. Not being negative. When you raise this he is going to react strongly. He knows this is a terribly broken area and is NOT going to want to address it. He is scared. He loves you and does not want you to leave him. He likely believes that if he is completely straight with you along the lines of "you are attractive, but I no longer am attracted to you and could go rest of my life without sex" that you will leave him. That is a scary thought to him. So he is going to engage in major league obfuscation..... Partner and myself have been together for just over 5 years. He was never exactly obsessed with sex, both of us have very demanding jobs and I travel internationally very often. I love him dearly and I have no reason to think it is different from his side, however, we have sex only a few times a year. I didn't even notice when exactly sex-life turned into sex-death, it just crept up I think. Our relationship feels more like being best friends rather than lovers. It is a first long relationship for both of us, we are in our mid-30s and child-free. It has lasted so long (to my perception) from his side - that it is really affecting me too, I don't think he's having an affair, but I feel like the relationship is simply fading away.... And what now...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 Thank you all for your responses - some of the things already ring bells.... and some I can eliminate. The first thing is the "mercy sex" every once in a while.... I think this year so far it has been like 4-5 times and only about 1/2 of them seemed genuine, the rest (to my perception) felt like he was performing a chore... The porn matter - forget it. Several times in the past I thought watching porn might get us both in the mood, for as long as it is not too extreme or too often - I would enjoy watching together, I think it can give new ideas to a couple with a solid relationship. I offered this to him - but he declined. We are now also in the middle of searching / buying a new house and mortgage and the likes - which adds to the stress especially because of those questions about our relationship - but the problem existed before. So last night I told him I had my doubts about the relationship and where he thought the problem came from - he said - again to his perception we are doing great, he really doesn't see a problem !! Then he offered a mercy-act, but just knowing the not-so-hidden agenda turned me off completely. Again - I do not doubt at all that he genuinely loves me - it is obvious, I asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me and he asked where on earth I got the idea - but actions speak louder than words. Do you think he could be depressed ? Or stuck in a rut ? Maybe I also have some problem I'm overlooking ? I would like to add : in another post, a member called JohnDoe said something about the frustration building up over time to the point that one day you end up with a huge blow-out because of something insignificant - like forgetting the tooth-paste tube open.... I can identify myself with this feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 mmm... looks like he either has a very low sex drive (if he doesn't even see the problem) or he is having an affair... I would say the first one... shame, but it happens... buying a house together? I would run in the other direction... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Again he has his head in the sand and you have enabled him over the years. What you have is not normal (happens, but not typical). Quit using stress as an excuse, unless buying a house means a commitment he is not ready for. Tell him straight out that you two do not have enough sex, it is not normal and ask him what he wants to do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 We own a house together already now and have lived together for some 5 years, so our situation is not facing any drastic changes.... And anyway - this "condition" started long before we thought of moving. I wish it was more simple Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 mmm... yes, difficult one... I was in the same position, but I pushed for a resolution. I think you have to have a serious discussion with him. He must understand how much this is affecting you and that you need to resolve the issue... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 We own a house together already now and have lived together for some 5 years, so our situation is not facing any drastic changes.... And anyway - this "condition" started long before we thought of moving. I wish it was more simple He knows there is a problem. No male in his 30's who only has sex sporadically (i.e. every other month or so) can think it is normal, especially when bombarded by imagery everywhere we turn. I will also ask the stress question. You say he works shifts. Is this like a Dr., paramedic, fireman, police, Air Traffic Controller, where I will certainly agree stress can be far above what a normal career/job entails? Otherwise it is a cop-out on his part, which seems a pattern here. At the beginning how much sex were you having and how did it start? I guess if you were never having sex like bunny's, then this reduction is not unexpected on his part. Also the porn issue is interesting. The fact he seems turned off it, when you are suggesting some "vanilla" stuff and he turned you down, says something more too.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 He knows there is a problem. No male in his 30's who only has sex sporadically (i.e. every other month or so) can think it is normal I agree and, more to the point, there are two separate problems here - 1). He only wants to have sex (with you ) a couple of times a year. 2). He doesn't want to talk about it or deal with it and in fact even goes so far as to deny that the problem exists. As serious as #1 is, #2 has greater long-term repercussions for your relationship... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 There is no doubt in my mind that this man truly loves you. Truly loves who and what you are. There is also at this point litle doubt in your mind that he lacks desire for you. I am pretty darn sure that his lack of desire has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with how you look or how you behave. I think he has a low drive coupled with low desire for adult women. It is simply not possible for him to have a "desire" related conversation with you. If he does he probably expects that you would end it. His lack of desire is not a "choice" he truly just does not feel it and has no strategy/tactics to "get himself" to feel it. So you have a choice, you can either accept that this part of your relationship is pretty much over. He would be relieved if he knew that he did not need to do this anymore. Or you can push it. But what is there to push? I do not "choose" to be aroused by my wife. I just am. Sure I might nudge myself to be a decent fellow if I am dead tired and she wants sex. But 5 minutes into it and I am happy and hard. And glad she asked. But I still initiate 2/3 or more of the time, and I touch her in a sexual way all the time as part of my slow tease that builds desire for the two nights a week we do have sex. I will say one last thing on this subject. For 20 years my wife has routinely said to me when we are in bed and she is mid-cycle and in peak desire "I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT". I love hearing that. And sometimes I ask "what about...." and she is bating 1000 so far cause she has been willing to try everything I asked for. But there is one thing I would like to do. I KNOW I would like it. And yet I have never asked her. Because I am afraid of what she would think of me. I am afraid to jostle this fantastic marriage I have with this woman I love and desire. So she could ask me and ask me and ask me again. What do you want to do that we aren't doing. And I will go to my grave without saying this. Not a threesome - does not involve anyone else, it is nothing that is illegal or dangerous or harmful. Just a desire I have that I am embarrassed about. Think about your man. Think about how painful his secret. A pure lack of desire? Maybe. Or a desire for something forbidden. That type of secret is deeply buried and carefully kept. We own a house together already now and have lived together for some 5 years, so our situation is not facing any drastic changes.... And anyway - this "condition" started long before we thought of moving. I wish it was more simple Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Thank you for the input (no, no double meaning here...) Night before last seemed to be much better than the average mercy-act... I gave him all the chances to get out of it - but even the initiative came from him It is a good sign, although I want to see a pattern change before I declare a fix. Do you think it is possible he's having sex with me because otherwise he knows I will not buy together with him the house of his dreams ? (which he can not buy by himself). I know it is a terrible thing to say - but I still wonder.... I'm not so good and "reading" people, even those I know well... I can not imagine that he would have a terrible little secret.... And I'm very open to trying new things (anything which doesn't involve another person or animal) I offered him in the past to watch porn, to go to a nude beach, body painting, even couples-club but he refused flat and on the couples club offer - even threatened he would break up with me if I pursued the idea.... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Thank you for the input (no, no double meaning here...) Night before last seemed to be much better than the average mercy-act... I gave him all the chances to get out of it - but even the initiative came from him It is a good sign, although I want to see a pattern change before I declare a fix. Do you think it is possible he's having sex with me because otherwise he knows I will not buy together with him the house of his dreams ? (which he can not buy by himself). I know it is a terrible thing to say - but I still wonder.... I'm not so good and "reading" people, even those I know well... I can not imagine that he would have a terrible little secret.... And I'm very open to trying new things (anything which doesn't involve another person or animal) I offered him in the past to watch porn, to go to a nude beach, body painting, even couples-club but he refused flat and on the couples club offer - even threatened he would break up with me if I pursued the idea.... there is the possibility he is doing that to keep you sweet until the house is yours... and then revert to the usual behaviour... it is a possibility and one I wouldn't like to contemplate... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Thank you for the input (no, no double meaning here...) Night before last seemed to be much better than the average mercy-act... I gave him all the chances to get out of it - but even the initiative came from him It is a good sign, although I want to see a pattern change before I declare a fix. Do you think it is possible he's having sex with me because otherwise he knows I will not buy together with him the house of his dreams ? (which he can not buy by himself). I know it is a terrible thing to say - but I still wonder.... I'm not so good and "reading" people, even those I know well... I can not imagine that he would have a terrible little secret.... And I'm very open to trying new things (anything which doesn't involve another person or animal) I offered him in the past to watch porn, to go to a nude beach, body painting, even couples-club but he refused flat and on the couples club offer - even threatened he would break up with me if I pursued the idea.... So you had sex once..... Whoopee.... Happy you got some, but that is not addressing the issue. He know's it is an issue and what was it, like 3 months since the last time so he had mercy sex? Everyone has a sex clock and when sex is few and far between knows when it is time to do the act. You have to find out why your sex life is like it is and discuss whether it is acceptable. Again, why haven't you had an open conversation and ask him whether 3/4 X's per year is acceptable to any healthy childless couple in their 30's. Now the fact you have been so open to the point when you are barely having sex to begin with to suggest a "Couple's Club" tells me you have little tact, as his response was expected...... Think about it "Honey we barely have sex, since you don't care about how about going to a Swinger's Party, where generally women have multiple partners, may be that will get you going, or at least I can have sex with 3-10 men if I wish." Really you need to be blunt and insist on talk and some counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Really you need to be blunt I think asking him to go to swingers' party is being quite "blunt", don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
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