justawish Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Ok I may be alone in this but on July 3rd I found out about multiple affairs that my WH has had in the last 6-7 years. He is in treatment (IC & SAA) and is trying to deal with his stuff. He has let me put a tracker on his phone and reports back. He works with a couple of these women and all the cheating began with OW from his workplace. Although one is no longer there and one is just comes in seasonally... (I do as well) I now have this "stupid game plan" in my head that I will give myself 2 mos to "figure it out" that means doing what ever it is that will make me happy including seeing other people. WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!?! I have always prided myself on the fact that I was faithful and would be forever. Now I'm rethinking that whole thing. I don't actually think that I want to be. I feel like I just need to be selfish and validated for a minute. Ahh, I know I'm rambling, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Ok I may be alone in this but on July 3rd I found out about multiple affairs that my WH has had in the last 6-7 years. He is in treatment (IC & SAA) and is trying to deal with his stuff. He has let me put a tracker on his phone and reports back. He works with a couple of these women and all the cheating began with OW from his workplace. Although one is no longer there and one is just comes in seasonally... (I do as well) I now have this "stupid game plan" in my head that I will give myself 2 mos to "figure it out" that means doing what ever it is that will make me happy including seeing other people. WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!?! I have always prided myself on the fact that I was faithful and would be forever. Now I'm rethinking that whole thing. I don't actually think that I want to be. I feel like I just need to be selfish and validated for a minute. Ahh, I know I'm rambling, sorry. Why not? Go ahead.. what's good for one HAS to be good for the other... That's my philosophy... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Ok I may be alone in this but on July 3rd I found out about multiple affairs that my WH has had in the last 6-7 years. He is in treatment (IC & SAA) and is trying to deal with his stuff. He has let me put a tracker on his phone and reports back. He works with a couple of these women and all the cheating began with OW from his workplace. Although one is no longer there and one is just comes in seasonally... (I do as well) I now have this "stupid game plan" in my head that I will give myself 2 mos to "figure it out" that means doing what ever it is that will make me happy including seeing other people. WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!?! I have always prided myself on the fact that I was faithful and would be forever. Now I'm rethinking that whole thing. I don't actually think that I want to be. I feel like I just need to be selfish and validated for a minute. Ahh, I know I'm rambling, sorry. Yes, I felt like not only seeing others, but getting as much attention and sex as I could handle. After years of emotional abuse and then finding out he had cheated more than once, I figured game on. Then I remembered who I am. I remembered that his actions shouldn't change who I am at heart. I have to live with myself, not him. It is a decision only you can make, but how will you feel at the end of the 2 months? 6 months, a year, 5 years? Will you still be comfortable with the decision you made as a result of his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justawish Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 So I bring this up tonight (about giving myself 2 mos) because I have given it 2 mos doing it this way and its not working for me. I am miserable and depressed. So he tells me he can't go for that... WTF??? In my head I think what right do you have?? GRRR... i AM at a total loss as to what to do. I know I ultimately want to be with him but I feel like I can't put all my eggs in one basket. Its no different than me trying to put away a nice little bit of $.... I guess it will be a back burner man bank. No but in all honesty I just don't know that I can be with him like this anymore. I know hes trying but is it too late... When did you all come to the realization of what was going to happen. I mean how do you pick of the pieces and move on?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 No but in all honesty I just don't know that I can be with him like this anymore. I know hes trying but is it too late... I know I ultimately want to be with him but I feel like I can't put all my eggs in one basket. The fact that you would post two things that clearly contradict each other is telling. You're in a chaotic, crazy time and I personally wouldn't make any decisions until the smoke clears. And that includes decisions about cheating on your H, no matter how much he might seem to deserve it. Hang in there and let the process play out, at the least you'll learn some valuable things about yourself ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 So I bring this up tonight (about giving myself 2 mos) because I have given it 2 mos doing it this way and its not working for me. I am miserable and depressed. So he tells me he can't go for that... WTF??? In my head I think what right do you have?? GRRR... i AM at a total loss as to what to do. I know I ultimately want to be with him but I feel like I can't put all my eggs in one basket. Its no different than me trying to put away a nice little bit of $.... I guess it will be a back burner man bank. No but in all honesty I just don't know that I can be with him like this anymore. I know hes trying but is it too late... When did you all come to the realization of what was going to happen. I mean how do you pick of the pieces and move on?? Hi justawish! My STBXH(soon-to-be-ex-husband) was(is?) a serial cheater. I was not even 20 when I first learned about it! I was devastated but got it together because as a mother, I really believed I did not have the luxury to not be ok. For a while I thought-I wanted to get back at him...still I never did and forgot about the silly revenge thing-I was too busy with school and my child. Of course, I never was "with" him anymore since D-day. I couldn't. Didn't asked him to fix what he broke either. More than a dozen years later, I met this wonderful man ( married man) and we embarked on a 2 year emotional affair, then 2 + EA/PA. When he divorced his wife and asked me to marry him, I broke up with him. I got comfortable with the status quo and didn't want it changed. My stbxh and I were not fighting, we were civil and friendly. However, when I did tell my stbxh about my affair, he was very devastated (even though he was a serial cheater!). Words were exchanged, some were unkind. I realized then I did not want to be at the mercy of someone who held a different standard for himself vs. me. I filed for divorce. It is amicable. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 no, by my xWS tried to accuse me of cheating in hopes of finding out that I did so she could excuse away what she did. kind of hard to cheat on someone when they are always home watching the kids while they are out cheating:o Link to post Share on other sites
aeh Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Justawish, read my posts. We're in the same boat. Same timeline pretty much, too. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. I did have an RA (no one would believe this if they knew me!) with an old boyfriend which lasted two weeks. I ended it, he didn't want to. I did feel validated, as tawdry as it seems. I don't regret my RA at all, and in fact, it did help me, although I would never in a million years think I would be advocating something like that. And if I was an outsider to my situation, I would have told me NOT to do it! But for me, I'm glad I did. I also feel as you do that I know I want to be with my H in the end, but that I am just not wanting to be "tied down" right now. My H does know about the RA and it has made him crazy. It also put things in perspective for him as it is something he never thought I would do and there are several things he has said that make me feel like I did the right thing, in my situation. It's crazy to feel like I am wanting to "date around" or something...I have two teenaged kids and have been married for fifteen years. But I just feel like I have this temporary feeling of wanting to sow some oats. And, what's more, I think I can live with it (within reason, of course!). My RA partner wanted to get serious with me almost immediately. I couldn't handle it. That's the last thing I am wanting right now. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I think its absolutely normal to have that reaction. I certainly entertained the thought. For me, though, it wasn't going to be so easy. I had (never have) no desire to have sex with just anyone. It would have to be someone I knew enough or came to know enough to atleast like. Unfortunately, to like someone I would have to respect them, and I could have never respected someone that would have sex with a married woman. For me it was a double edged sword! I'm glad, now, that that was the case. I also had good friends that weren't letting me out of their site. In many ways the affair (discovery of) has changed me into a person that I'm not crazy about. I loved that I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and saw the best in people. That I was able to trust completely, believed in a forever romantic death do us part love, those things I've lost, but maybe that's part of growing older. So now I'm older, wiser, far more synical, but I atleast I never comprimised myself. Link to post Share on other sites
mnm Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I had and sometimes still do have those feelings. I think it's perfectly normal. But ask yourself how you are going to feel about yourself if you do it. I couldn't bring myself to because I have enough self respect not to. It would probably do more harm than good for yourself. You have the upper hand so to speak with remaining faithful and its a good feeling. The hardest part is that you want them to hurt as much as you do and make them understand what they've put you through because they truly get it. My H and an EA and even though he's apologized and followed through with everything, he doesn't get the pain and the heartache you go through every day. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Being in a somewhat somewhat similar position...I asked myself if I wanted to "get some". I would like someone to give me affection, I would like the stress relief that sex offers, I would like the uninhibited nature of sex with a stranger - someone who doesnt ask questions. But the thing is...in light of what is happening in your life...with what your H has done, with that betrayal.. You dont yet know what the end result is going to be. You dont yet know if you will fully forgive him. Lots of things you dont know. But you do know, that so far...you have kept your integrity and sincerity. Those are the things that get us through the tough stuff. My advice? Keep them. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I think it is a normal response to want to have a revenge affair. When you have been the faithful spouse it seems like there is no way the CS can truly understand the level of pain and destruction they have caused. So you want to make them feel your pain. I felt this way after dday. But I didn't have a RA. To me, it would have felt like I was sinking to his level and turning my life into a Jerry Springer episode. Don't change who you are just because somebody else was a jack***. Link to post Share on other sites
misternoname Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Been there, almost did that but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't. I'm now divorced and believe me it's nice to know that despite having every reason in the world to retaliate I kept my moral compass pointing in the right direction. My friends and family have more respect for me and most importantly I still respect myself. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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