spiderowl Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 This will probably seem a bizarre problem but I'm hoping someone will see something that I can't and enlighten me. I'm very frustrated with the way things are going in personal relationships. I feel like there's this moat around me and I'm alone and lonely in the middle. Round one side are guy friends who I like to talk to, but who I don't think romance would work with because of some problem (one drinks too much, another I don't find physically appealing, another is too old for me, and so forth), and round the other side are guy aquaintances who suddenly appear out of nowhere and try to leap over the moat before I've got to know them properly. They suddenly proposition me, usually when drunk, by trying to corner me for a kiss in a public place, or invite me back to their place for the night when I hardly know them. I got talking to one guy I'd literally just met in a pub. He was waiting for a taxi. When the taxi arrived he invited me to join him in it. He meant it too! I'd laugh if this whole thing wasn't so frustrating. The friends offer tentative half-invitations to join them at events they are going to and offer to help me with things, but they don't ask me out on dates. I can't say I blame them as I haven't flirted or encouraged them in that way. I rarely accept the invitations or offers because I don't want them to get close and start thinking I'm really interested in more than friendship. It wouldn't be fair on them. The aquaintances are just in the background until they appear out of the blue like jack-in-the-boxes and behave inappropriately. The sad thing is that some of these aquaintances might have become more if they had got to know me more gradually, but you can't leap from saying hello and having a brief chat with someone to kissing them unexpectedly in a public place. What I want is a nice, attractive guy (who doesn't have anything important wrong with him), to appear, approach sensitively and ask me out. No-one ever asks me out on a date (sob!) and yet I get all these other approaches. Guys do seem to find me attractive in some way, but I can't trust that I am attractive because of the kind of offers I get. I don't know why the men I meet go from one extreme to the other. I'm terribly confused by all this. I'm a physically inhibited person, so I'm really missing out on the kind of comfort and affection I'd like, but I daren't risk anything too close with the friends and I am avoiding the aquaintances who've pounced on me. I'm lost in all this. Can anyone make sense of it? Where am I going wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
littlewhiterose Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I'm not making light of your situation but honestly all I can come up with is, you're not alone on this one, so 'scoot over' . *sidles next to you*. I'm going thru just about the same thing right now ... Link to post Share on other sites
splintered thing Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Just a random guess (so I won't feel at all offended if you think this is completely off-base), but my impression reading your message is that even if you feel like it might be nice to have somebody with you on your side of the moat, that's still a pretty scary prospect, especially if there's a chance it might work out. Keeping everybody else safely on the other side of the moat is a lot more comfortable and a whole lot less emotionally risky. I'd also guess (aka "Guess II, son of Random Guess") that you're giving off some pretty effective "stay away" signals when anyone comes close--it doesn't have to be anything more than stiffening up when someone says or does something that threatens to push beyond "just friendly." The guys that won't back off from that, however, are the ones who rush in without pausing to think about how you feel, the game-players, and just about anybody under the influence of enough alcohol. If any of this is true, then you might want to think a bit on how scared you are of a visitor from across the moat...and decide whether that's a risk you're willing to take. Link to post Share on other sites
littlewhiterose Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 See, I took the moat as some unforseeable force or thing that's interfering with her suitable guy(s) from approaching her. Not the idea of someone abandoning things to join her in her own world/way of things. Link to post Share on other sites
canada67 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I think you need to cross the moat, not them. Women are used to guys doing the footwork in the initial stages, which is for the most part true, but you need to maybe leave a door open for them. Maybe try starting some small social interaction with one that YOU think could have potential, ask them a question, then see if he takes the sinker for a conversation, then you'll have a bit more control, but it's still passive and you can still let boys do the footwork. Just a suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
Maxwell Sage Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Guys who are intuitive enough to make the right moves at the appropriate moment are a rare breed... Try approaching a cute, shy guy. My assumption is that this type is by far the most likely to comply with your standards. Fyi, the shy ones are usually that way because they tend to... think. Link to post Share on other sites
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