avasmomman06 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I've got someone who is doing this with me, so i'm curious to know how many other guys out there would do the same. My situation is described in another thread so i won't go into detail again, especially since i just want to know 'yes or no' and 'why or why not'. Link to post Share on other sites
vainla Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 my husband and I got divorced because he chose to keep a "friend" Now he is risking his "friendship" just to be able to be in contact with his ex-wife. A guy who does not know where he stands, would most likely do that. My ex for instance, needs to have two people on arms reach to feel secure. (his own words) I have a male friend who's wife was jealous of me, so I did not wait to put my firend in an ackward situation no matter how close we used to be. And to be honest, I would have been very disapointed if he even had considered to put his marriage in risk for my friendship. I repect that guy very much for his loyalty, common sense, and emotional inteligence. He kept his marriage and my friendship and respect from a safe distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 In black and white - No, I wouldn't risk my marriage for a female friend. In reality, it would depend on a number of factors: - Was my wife being unreasonable - Is my marriage happy - Does my wife have a history of jealousy / control issues - Is there honestly anything inappropriate about the female friend relationship - Is this where wife's demands will stop So many factors, the original question has little meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 He has a jealous wife who doesn't want him to have anything to do with me, considering him and I have a sexual past. That's it. We didn't cheat on anybody, we were both single. But given that info, she's uncomfy to the point where she doesn't want him communicating with me. We still want to be friends and i've told him to tell her how he feels about wanting to keep a friendship with me, and he doesn't like that idea at all! So i know he won't say anything to her, unfortunately. But now we're left with a "behind the wife's back" friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
vainla Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 your stary sounds a lot like my ex-husband story. the only thing is that I am not jellous at all. I am actually friends with a couple of my exhusband's ex's. I was friendly with this one, specially because she is very unatractive. They insisted they were only friends and I was in a trusted relationship. If I were u, I'll be honest with myself and I would recognize that there is no 'friendship" here. Neither from your part, nor from his. If you were really a good friend to him, you would step back and get your 'friend" out the spot and avoid cousing your friend doing things 'behind the wife's." If he were a good firend to you, he would understand that this situation makes you look like "the other woman" or as the hidden firend and who wants a good friend to be in such diminishing and humilliating position. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I've got someone who is doing this with me, so i'm curious to know how many other guys out there would do the same. My situation is described in another thread so i won't go into detail again, especially since i just want to know 'yes or no' and 'why or why not'. Depends on how important the friend is to me and how my wife treats me. Honestly, this sounds like a power play on her part. If it's one of my oldest and dearest friends, I wouldn't let me SO push me around. If it's someone I'm not that close with it wouldn't be a big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 If you truly cared about your ex-lover (aka "friend"), you would do your best to support his marriage - the marriage that he CHOSE. You would back away and make DARN sure that his wife had NOTHING to be "uncomfy" about. We still want to be friends and i've told him to tell her how he feels about wanting to keep a friendship with me, and he doesn't like that idea at all! You would especially not instruct a husband on what to tell HIS wife about YOUR relationship. Think about it. The thoughts he shares with her should come from HIM. Ahh, I'm wasting my time...you don't want to understand this. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I have experienced this from the female side. I had a dear friend (no sexual history) that fell in love with a woman and she told him he was not allowed to have any contact with me because she was uncomfortable with him having a female friend. It was tough because he was my neighbour and he lived right across the hall from me. So I went from seeing him every day for 3 years to not being allowed to say hello to him as we passed in the hallway when she was around. The bottom line is that he wasn't willing to jeapordize his relationship with her to maintain our friendship. He wanted to keep our friendship a secret, but I found that offensive - both to me and to his gf. If you've had a sexual past with this guy, and she isn't comfortable with that, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. You can't expect him to make a choice, because she is his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 If you truly cared about your ex-lover (aka "friend"), you would do your best to support his marriage - the marriage that he CHOSE. You would back away and make DARN sure that his wife had NOTHING to be "uncomfy" about. Ditto. Unless I still had sexual feelings for my "friend," then I would do everything possible to reassure my wife that this friend is in the past a more than a friend. Any time spent with her would be approved by my wife and every moment would be an open book. In fact, I would do everything I could to cause my wife and my friend to be friends...instead of keeping her as my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I have experienced this from the female side. I had a dear friend (no sexual history) that fell in love with a woman and she told him he was not allowed to have any contact with me because she was uncomfortable with him having a female friend. It was tough because he was my neighbour and he lived right across the hall from me. So I went from seeing him every day for 3 years to not being allowed to say hello to him as we passed in the hallway when she was around. The bottom line is that he wasn't willing to jeapordize his relationship with her to maintain our friendship. He wanted to keep our friendship a secret, but I found that offensive - both to me and to his gf. If you've had a sexual past with this guy, and she isn't comfortable with that, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. You can't expect him to make a choice, because she is his wife. If a girl told me I wasn't "allowed" to be friends with a member of the opposite sex I would dump her ass for being a controlling psycho b_tch. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I've got someone who is doing this with me, so i'm curious to know how many other guys out there would do the same. My situation is described in another thread so i won't go into detail again, especially since i just want to know 'yes or no' and 'why or why not'. Depends, is it all female friends or just this one, if just this one why, are you jealous in other ways. That said generally no, I would do about anything not to hurt my wife and too make her feel cherished and a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 i'm not sure if he has any (or is allowed to have any) other female friends. He has told me before and i quote "she (wife) would be totally fine with me not having ANY female friends...young or old, single or married". Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Yes. I let no woman control me so if she were willing to leave over a platonic relationship then she never really loved me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnP82 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 If I was married and truly loved my wife then I would be much more concerned about her feelings than someone I slept with in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 In black and white - No, I wouldn't risk my marriage for a female friend. In reality, it would depend on a number of factors: - Was my wife being unreasonable - Is my marriage happy - Does my wife have a history of jealousy / control issues - Is there honestly anything inappropriate about the female friend relationship - Is this where wife's demands will stop So many factors, the original question has little meaning. Great answer. Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 He has a jealous wife who doesn't want him to have anything to do with me, considering him and I have a sexual past. But thats the thing, he could have told her you guys have been involved and now she is flipping out at the idea of you too being alone. Doesn't matter how close you two are, if you were ever sexual your a threat to the other woman he is involved with. No female wants to know that a guy is still friends with a girl that he dated, was in a relationship with, or slept with. It will drive her jealous and cause friction in any relationship. We didn't cheat on anybody, we were both single. But given that info, she's uncomfy to the point where she doesn't want him communicating with me. She has a right to demand him to not talk to you. She is the who is romantically involved with him. How would you like it if your boyfriend/fiance/husband was still in contact with his first love or a good female friend that he had sex with? It probably drive you a little nuts if they hung or talked a lot. We still want to be friends and i've told him to tell her how he feels about wanting to keep a friendship with me, and he doesn't like that idea at all! So i know he won't say anything to her, unfortunately. But now we're left with a "behind the wife's back" friendship. If you have any respect for your friend or his marriage you give him what he wants. Real friends respect boundaries who the people they are dating. There are some lines you do not cross when your opposite sex friend is dating/married. People don't get it anymore. Everyone wants their cake and eat it too when they have friends of the opposite sex that are romantically involved with someone. You can't be that involved in their lives. If you do it will drive a HUGE wedge in between whomever they are dating. Doesn't matter if you know the person since you were in diapers, there is a line that you don't cross. If he had any respect for you and his wife he wouldn't mix the two together and be sneaking behind her back and lie to her face. Any guy that does that is not a good guy, period. He already sounds like a complete jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Yes. I let no woman control me so if she were willing to leave over a platonic relationship then she never really loved me anyway. Actually if she did its called respect for your relationship. Wise people know not to stir up trouble where it doesn't belong. So if a girl backs off or leaves the friendship, she is doing it for your own good in the long run with whomever your romantically involved. Till your married and the female friend isn't single and neither party is attracted to one another, then you can't be friends. Why don't people get that!? I feel like hitting my head into a brick wall with these loose guidelines some of you have for relationships... Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 It really needs to be said. When did grown adults start to dictate who one can be friends with? Some Vows take precedence? Please spare me that. Spouses don't own that person or that persons life. You share it. I've been on both sides. I learned. Friendship is rarely gender related unless that is ALL the relationship was built upon. No spouse should be asked to make that decision. He/she walked into that marriage hopefully with eyes open. Friends come with it. I would suggest all partys sitting down and creating guidelines or at the least have there say with one another. Its not about losing a friend but gaining friends! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Yes. I let no woman control me so if she were willing to leave over a platonic relationship then she never really loved me anyway. Would you let your outside friend control you by telling you what you should say to your wife about your friendship? If she had so little respect for the marriage you chose, was she ever really your friend, anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 If my wife tried to make me chose between her and my friend, she can't win. It would mean she does not trust or respect me and our relationship might as well be over. Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 If my wife tried to make me chose between her and my friend, she can't win. It would mean she does not trust or respect me and our relationship might as well be over. Well if she did that, then ask her why is she making you choose. Maybe she can tell your friend isn't good for you or the sanity of your marriage. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high these days? Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 It really needs to be said. When did grown adults start to dictate who one can be friends with? Some Vows take precedence? Please spare me that. Spouses don't own that person or that persons life. You share it. Yes some vows do, thats why you say them in front of everyone, there is a reason for each one. Plus marriages, when you enter into one, you have to make sacrifices. If that means cutting ties with an opposite sex friend that you have a sexual connection with, so be it. Maybe if you can't let go of this friend or they can't, that should be a huge red flag to you that maybe there is something still there. Mature people know where the lines are drawn and immature people don't and keep friends around that they had sex with after they decided to go get married whomever they want to be with. But they forget that there are different rules for being married then relationships in general. Its about respect and trust. If there is none, then you shouldn't have been married in the first place and most times its over a friend you have or something money related or work or even sex. The bottom line is: why get married if you can make the sacrifice of cutting ties with someone that you had a sexual history with? I've been on both sides. I learned. Friendship is rarely gender related unless that is ALL the relationship was built upon. No spouse should be asked to make that decision. He/she walked into that marriage hopefully with eyes open. Friends come with it. If you've been on both sides, then you should know better then be selfish and make someone choose between their spouse or significant other and you. If you do, then you don't respect your friend and their choice to have been married to their spouse. I think you need to open your eyes and see what its for and its unhealthy in the long run. You shouldn't cut all ties with friends, but the ones that cause the major issues,you really should stand back and ask yourself why and put yourself in their shoes. If you can not, then maybe you need to rethink why your with your spouse. Love is about sacrifices, whether it be a friendship, family, or a romantic interest, sacrifice is sacrifice. I would suggest all partys sitting down and creating guidelines or at the least have there say with one another. Its not about losing a friend but gaining friends! Thats ludicrous! What if both parties hate each other? your going to force them to talk it out with you at the same table just cause you want to have your cake and eat it too!? thats selfish! Sometimes you don't need to gain anymore friends, sometimes you just need to use common sense and realize not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to agree with you, and not everyone is going to understand you. Its life, thats how the cookie crumbles... Link to post Share on other sites
vanilla87 Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Can you not find someone who's not a husband to be your friend? You're so the other woman and the funny thing is that you don't even know it. ICA! Thank you for seeing the full picture here! She really is the other woman in this situation.... Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 OP, are you married, or in a committed relationship? If so, try to imagine finding out that your SO had been communicating with a former lover behind your back........................................honestly ask yourself how you`d feel..................................... Link to post Share on other sites
Author avasmomman06 Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Can you not find someone who's not a husband to be your friend? You're so the other woman and the funny thing is that you don't even know it. I absolutely can. Thing is, i've been friends with this guy for 8 yrs. Long before his wife came into the picture. It's not like i just showed up when he got married and decided to become a homewrecker. Not my intentions. Just hard to let go of a long-term friendship, whether sex was involved or not. We've had some great times together. Non-romantically speaking. Link to post Share on other sites
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