Difficult times post divorce.

[ryepatch]

North Beach is wonderful, but the Mission is cheaper, right? and there are decent neighborhoods in Oakland, although of course there's a longer commute. Do you have a car? could you do without one? i know there are new car-share services.

 

just trying to help. . .

[soheartbroken]

.... but you can already see what's she thinks, you've read the thread.

To make it simple, I filed separation to prevent her & her parents from relocating with my child to another state. Her mother & her had the insane idea that I would let them leave, follow them to a place I hate, live in an apartment there and try to get back together with her.

 

We weren't working out and they saw that I was determined to be a part of my childs life. My ex felt(& clearly stated) "we are a package deal" and could not handle the fact that I could get over her and still be a father to my child. Regardless of the court orders that state I have the right to be with my daughter.

 

I am at the point that I have to make some big decisions, keep fighting in court? let it go? become a deadbeat? ... I am deeply unsure of the best & wisest course of action. All I have figured out is that:

 

1-If I don't do something legally, 10/15/20 years from now some pretty young lady will be walking up to me asking "are you my daddy?" ....or not.

 

2-If i don't figure out a way to fix my financial situation, when my kid is 18 & I stop paying child support I will be near retirement age and will be homeless, & begging for $ on the side of the freeway.

 

3-All this stress & depression is effecting me physically, the signs are showing. (skin rashes & problems, low energy levels, insomnia)

 

4-My frustration & apathy tells me to run away for my own good... my love for my child tells me to do something,.... my anxiety tells me I have to get myself in a better place mentally & financially, or I'm going to be a lonely impoverished old man with no offspring to take care of me.

 

That is what I'm somewhat clear on, I just can't figure out what to do next. Maybe the mistake I made in choosing a mate is preventing me from taking a path, I don't know.

 

Okay. What I was going to say in brief:

 

At first I thought that she wanted to end the relationship and take your daughter. But from your post It sounds like your ex hates you because you wanted out of the relationship, and she's keeping away your daughter to punish you? Does she have a mental health problem? From the way she treats you, I would have thought she was accusing you of something more sinister...

 

At any rate, who wanted out doesn't really matter at this point. I just wanted to know if she was accusing you or blaming you for something...some reason to keep your daughter away.

 

Have you talked to a doctor about depression and anxiety? I'm sorry if you've already answered this.

 

Soooooo. You decided that you need to make a choice. And you've listed some of those choices. Can you narrow it down?

[huggyb]

Okay. What I was going to say in brief:

 

At first I thought that she wanted to end the relationship and take your daughter. But from your post It sounds like your ex hates you because you wanted out of the relationship, and she's keeping away your daughter to punish you? Does she have a mental health problem? From the way she treats you, I would have thought she was accusing you of something more sinister...

 

At any rate, who wanted out doesn't really matter at this point. I just wanted to know if she was accusing you or blaming you for something...some reason to keep your daughter away.

 

Have you talked to a doctor about depression and anxiety? I'm sorry if you've already answered this.

 

Soooooo. You decided that you need to make a choice. And you've listed some of those choices. Can you narrow it down?

 

No, that is something I have to keep within for now.

 

As for the previous questions, again this is a very complicated issue. You are now probing into the how's & why's, things even more complicated.

 

In a nutshell... When my child was born we were having conflicts, she had moved back to her parents, a power struggle began. I would go over there to be with my child practically every day. When my child was 6 months the ex & in laws covertly planned to relocate with child to another state. I later found out that they expected me to follow them out there, live by myself in a town I don't know, and try to work my way into their good graces. Their own self righteous & hypocritical views are very warped. So much that there were family members from *their* side that were behind me & felt what they were doing is wrong.

 

Her mental state is not incompetent, but jaded by an extremely unique family structure.(an extreme passive father & an equally extreme assertive mother) Her mother is the core of all the ruthlessness involved here. To explain her would take a complete new thread and I'm not gonna waste that much energy on that. To sum her up I can share this one statement.

 

As a young woman she had 2 fatherless kids from 2 different men. She got a job at a pharmacy, found the most meek money making pharmacist she could find. Got pregnant ASAP,.... then told him he had an "instant family". It still fosters resentment to this day, as he has done so much to spoil his offspring, & they both have neglected her siblings, by comparison.

 

Sadly many of these things (& more) I discovered much too late in the game. That background aside, again i must state, as I have before that they are not important... me rising above all this is. That is the key & answer I seek. Don't know where to look, just not back at those people.

[huggyb]

North Beach is wonderful, but the Mission is cheaper, right? and there are decent neighborhoods in Oakland, although of course there's a longer commute. Do you have a car? could you do without one? i know there are new car-share services.

 

just trying to help. . .

 

The rent I pay is really low, I'd pay more trying to move anywhere, plus my credit is f#@ked up form divorce debts. Hard to rent w/ bad credit. I think the only other living arrangement that would help is to find a sugar momma that will put me up.

 

Car? Don't own one but using A company car, another reason that makes my gig a ball & chain.

 

I know Ur trying. I don't deny this is like a chinese puzzle that U can't find the right loop to make it go back together. I"m a fairly smart dude & I get pissed that I can't find a good path outta this.

 

Thanks for Ur concerns.

[ryepatch]

i hear you, huggy. i have really bad credit too, we've always had a friend pose as our previous landlord! well, i'm sure you've considered all your obvious options, and there aren't any good ones. i'm in the same situation too. i just keep thinking maybe there's something i haven't thought of, a "third way," so to speak.

 

feel free to keep on venting, or if you have an idea and want to run it by us, or if there's any specific way we can help.

 

hang in there!

[huggyb]

No, that is something I have to keep within for now.

 

As for the previous questions, again this is a very complicated issue. You are now probing into the how's & why's, things even more complicated.

 

In a nutshell... When my child was born we were having conflicts, she had moved back to her parents, a power struggle began. I would go over there to be with my child practically every day. When my child was 6 months the ex & in laws covertly planned to relocate with child to another state. I later found out that they expected me to follow them out there, live by myself in a town I don't know, and try to work my way into their good graces. Their own self righteous & hypocritical views are very warped. So much that there were family members from *their* side that were behind me & felt what they were doing is wrong.

 

Her mental state is not incompetent, but jaded by an extremely unique family structure.(an extreme passive father & an equally extreme assertive mother) Her mother is the core of all the ruthlessness involved here. To explain her would take a complete new thread and I'm not gonna waste that much energy on that. To sum her up I can share this one statement.

 

As a young woman she had 2 fatherless kids from 2 different men. She got a job at a pharmacy, found the most meek money making pharmacist she could find. Got pregnant ASAP,.... then told him he had an "instant family". It still fosters resentment to this day, as he has done so much to spoil his offspring, & they both have neglected her siblings, by comparison.

 

Sadly many of these things (& more) I discovered much too late in the game. That background aside, again i must state, as I have before that they are not important... me rising above all this is. That is the key & answer I seek. Don't know where to look, just not back at those people.

 

Sorry, I left out one major thing in the equation above.

After I uncovered the plan to relocate & confronted the issue, I went through the whole routine, marriage counseling, trying to work it out,etc.

I filed separation to prevent them from moving & try to establish what rights I had. I spoke with myself, god, family, friends & even a member of her family that DID NOT reveal what I was going to do.

 

I put my foot down on THEM moving off with my child against my wishes, legally (but temporarily). They feel that I am the evil one.

[dgiirl]

Is there any family or friend who can mediate for you?

 

Your daughter still wants her toy right? Can you get someone else involved to give it to her mom? She might be less vindictive if others are watching?

[huggyb]

Is there any family or friend who can mediate for you?

 

......Negative.....