Open relationship sees ex-wife back on scene... thoughts?

[AnneKatal]

I'm new here; I found this site looking for help coping with some new developments with my significant other.

 

My SO is recently divorced from his ex-wife, and I'm the first relationship he's had since her. We have an open relationship. He's said that he loves me, and I love him. Problem? When he and Ex met up for their daughter's birthday party (she turned five last Tuesday), Ex related to him that she'd had sex with someone else, and that he was terrible. She then asked him to "help her out", since she doesn't want to expend the energy to keep looking, and she already knows that he's good.

 

This bugs me on a lot of levels, but one of the biggies is that SO told me that when they were dating before their marriage (seven years ago), they also had an open relationship, and there was another girl involved with him as well. He said that as long as the other girl was around, the Ex maintained a fairly high sex drive. However, things happened between my SO and the other girl, she moved on, and he married the Ex. On their wedding day, her first comment as they exited the courthouse was "I won, I got what I wanted." Immediately thereafter, she stopped exhibiting a sex drive. She "humoured" him twice a month for the five years they were married, and neglected him emotionally. For a lot of reasons, but with that included, they got a divorce.

 

I came on the scene. It took her awhile to find out about me, but that happened about a week ago. Now, suddenly, she wants him to come "help her out"... when she didn't want him sexually the entire time they were married.

 

I smell a rat.

 

SO doesn't know what to do. I was very displeased when he told me about this situation, because this all seems too convenient. He says that she treated him badly, but when they were in an open relationship those years ago, he told her that he was not endangering her by his contact with the other girl, and thus she needed to deal or hit the bricks. He told her "no", so as not to hurt me, but now he's wrapped himself up in guilt for being "hypocritical".

 

Other girl says Ex has a talent for Machiavellian behaviour.

 

So, what does everyone think? Should I run like hell, or deal? And is it just me... or is the Ex up to no good?

[midori]

It sounds to me like what turns his ex on is not him, but the idea of defeating another woman. Getting your bf to choose her over the other girl, or now to sleep with her even while involved with you, is for her less about having sex with him than it is about "proving" that she is more desirable than other women.

 

It could even be about having power over your ex. Knowing that if she exerts herself a bit she can pull him back into her orbit if she pleases.

 

But it's not about actually desiring him. So if he gets involved with her again, he should do so knowing that he's just a pawn in her little power trip: whether it's to demonstrate her power over you, over him, or over you both.

 

Women can be competitive and territorial. Your bf should be explicitly aware of that.

 

One more thing: are you really happy with an open relationship?