newbie with really long post that he is sure to get a lot of flak about

[the bulb]

first hello to all as im new here,but not new to posting forums, i apologize in advance if i break a rule or post OT. thanks for your kindness and consideration.

 

I have been married for many years to what you can call a HS sweetheart ( we were both very early 20's) w/no kids. we have been through many goods and bads like any other couple. i am hoping that the wiser soles on this forum can clear my head with this conondrum ( fancy word,probably misspelled)

 

for the past 2 years,my wife and i have grown apart. this is much more serious than having bad times,i feel. i have strived to become successful and be as much of an emotional provider as well as an economic one. my wife supported me early on and i was absolutely thrilled to return the favor. the return began in 1998, and i have to say it was wonderful to be able to take care of my wife,and her family when nec.

 

however, it came to be that no matter how much i gave ,emotionally and otherwise, it was "expected". it became second nature for me to take care of everything,planning,house stuff,financials. add to this a gradual disregard for any praise that maybe i might have deserved for running a company that i built from many years of hard work.

 

i have tried to talk with my wife,giving her indications of my growing unease ( which later became unhappiness), but this was to no avail,even after point blank telling her that i needed her support (ie..no nagging to death,negativity,criticism of all the little things). i recently told her( about 4-5 mos ago) that i was even considering getting an apartment to avoid the nagging and negativity. her response was annoyment.

 

this has caused many things to happen. in an effort to feel better about myself, i invested in my wardrobe,buying trendier shoes jeans,and shirts. i also lost weight,got into shape,and got an "edgier" look to myself with my hair and facial hair. now i was getting looks. lots of looks. i would rather get my wifes attention,slight change from her, but very short lived.

 

here............is the situation.

 

i work with a very pretty psychologist,.....phd. charisma,style,all that my wife does not exhibit. i have known her for two years. she was the first to encourage me to dress better. i think my down dress was a reflection of the way i felt about myself.

anyways, she seemed excited to talk with me,have a cup of coffe,lunch. i have done this with my wife countless times, and it always seemed "perfunctionary",.....more or less........so.....here i am having these lunches with the psych, and noticing" HEY....shes actually interested in what im saying,shes not belittleing me or passing swift judgement"

 

im sure you can guess the rest.....she knows im married, what starts out as no interest develops into major interest.....on both parts. we have many conversations about her boyfriend,my wife.....so after a period of about 4-5 months, i ask her to a movie.....

 

i know what youre thinking, and you would be totally correct. what is a married man doing at the movies with someone other than his wife....we go to have a drink on another night.....we go to another movie...............i have the conversation of my life with her that night.

 

i tell her that iam extremely attracted to her, i am unsure about my marriage. after a couple of nights she starts what at this point becomes a very intense first week of .......cheating i guess ( no sex,though its been vvvveeeerrryyy close).

 

what i need from you, if you can help, is advice on two fronts, there are many who will think i am the scum of the earth, and believe me you i agree, and those of you who know that this is the way it is......how can i tell my wife that i would like a separation?

 

what happens in a separation? do you still "see" your wife?to be absolutely honest with you, i want nothing more than to give this new relationship a shot. immature...probably....but 100 percent honset. i am planning to get an apartment first,so i can move out soon after. id just like to know if any of you out there have been thrugh this and how the best way of going about this is.

 

though i am not in love with my wife anymore, i still care deeply for her. i would like to go about this as....sensitively....i guess ....as i can

 

if youve read this far my hats off to you, your advise is greatly appreciated, rake me over the coals if you must,but in the end i am humbly asking for a strangers help......peace

[moimeme]

how can i tell my wife that i would like a separation?

 

You didn't mention whether you had asked your wife to go to counselling with you. If you still love her dearly, I would suggest you give that a shot. If she refuses, then tell her you want a divorce. It is no good hanging onto a dead marriage as a fallback in case a new relationship doesn't work out. If your wife is unwilling to work on the marriage with you, make the break and move on.

[SoleMate]

No rakes or coals here, just advice.

 

If you want a real relationship that lasts, don't start it as a cheat. Your head and heart are telling you it's not right. What would be the ideal outcome of this relationship? What is the LIKELY outcome? And what is the worst case? Would you marry one day? Would you like that marriage to be built on a basis of cheating, which inevitably comes with a lot of slammed doors, hangup phone calls, tears and financial turmoil.

 

First try to fix things with your wife, and if it doesn't work, get free. You will find the confidence to really build a great relationship with this psychologist (or maybe someone else) when you both are free. Imagine how great that will feel.

 

(BTW - your thoughts are very natural. I wouldn't blame myself for them if I were you. Of course you want love, approval, and physical pleasure. Just engage brain as well, that's all I ask.)

[lostforwords]

Why go see a counsellor when your DATING a psychologist, thats even better.... save yourself a few bucks and get her advice instead.... LOL.

[hurtandangry]

 

If I am not too late:

 

Do yourself and your wife a big favor. End it now before you start up with someone else.

 

If my H had the balls to do that 6 years ago, we would have all been saved a lot of pain and confusion.

[HurtinginVA]

Originally posted by the bulb

i have tried to talk with my wife,giving her indications of my growing unease ( which later became unhappiness), but this was to no avail,even after point blank telling her that i needed her support (ie..no nagging to death,negativity,criticism of all the little things). i recently told her( about 4-5 mos ago) that i was even considering getting an apartment to avoid the nagging and negativity. her response was annoyment.

 

Try harder.

 

 

id just like to know if any of you out there have been thrugh this and how the best way of going about this is.

 

though i am not in love with my wife anymore, i still care deeply for her. i would like to go about this as....sensitively....i guess ....as i can

 

Whew. You are setting yourself up to jump from the frying pan to the skillet!! Pull your head out for just a minute, and really think about what youre doing.

 

Have you REALLY tried with your wife? My husband "tried" to let me know he was unhappy, but it was always sarcastically, or in the heat of an argument, and to be honest, I didnt take him seriously.

 

This OW, that you want to start a relationship with........have you thought about the trust issues that are sure to arise if you pursue this relationship? She knows that you would cheat on your wife...........it wont be long(if you actually leave your wife) before this OW wonders if you will do the same to her.

 

I am a firm believer in exhausting all options as far as a marriage is concerned. I think it's time you step back, re-evaluate...........see a counselor........with your wife.

 

Good Luck!

[nap]

Hey, don't do anymore cheating...you're done enough thus far.

 

If you believe you and your wife have come to an end then proceed with a trail seperation. Believe me, I'm currently going thru hell when recently my wife admitted to having an affair 10 years ago....it has literally cut me into small pieces. Until it happened to me I didn't see this scenario as a major life sucker ...boy...I was wrong. I've done enough self-analysis to last several lifetimes ...and I'm not done yet.

 

Give respect to your wife and to yourself and do the right thing....try to fix and move forward with your wife ... or ... move forward seperately without the cheating. At least then you can sleep at night knowing you have done the best you can with other people's feelings (and yours).

 

My advice...be cool...and if you believe the marriage can no longer work and seperation is the only way ... then let it be for that reason only ...and not because the phychologist is in picture. Pictures do lose some of their original gloss after a while.

[figuringitout]

Not sure where you are now since the original post was in Nov.

 

If you haven't already given into the caviar dreams and champagne wishes, I agree with the folks above. If my wife would have just said "see ya" before it happened, I think I wouldn't be hanging out on the LoveShack.

 

If you really care about her, know that you are going to rip her up and once you do it, there is no going back.

[VivianLee]

Hey,

If you've read through this forum, your marriage problems are not unique in anyway. You've hit "THE RUT" with your marriage. Alot of us hit it and went our ways in solving it to cheat or our significant others cheated. There are cases of bad marriages; abuse (verbal, physical or substance), affairs or lack of love. "THE RUT" is not a death sentence unless one spouse gives up or shuts down.

 

Don't let her shut down, think of marriage as a person in a burning building about to burn to death, if you could save them, wouldn't you?? If there were a few obstacles that needed to be removed to save them, would you just turn your back and leave??

 

Tell her you are dead serious, you're not happy with things the way they are and you are ready to leave. If she smirks or acts annoyed, get your suitcase, pack it and stay away for a while (by the way, that's not leaving the fire that's just removing the obstacle of her not taking you seriously). Hopefully, she'll call you or at least be willing to listen when you call. Then get to a counselor and work on this marriage!

 

this has caused many things to happen. in an effort to feel better about myself, i invested in my wardrobe,buying trendier shoes jeans,and shirts. i also lost weight,got into shape,and got an "edgier" look to myself with my hair and facial hair. now i was getting looks. lots of looks. i would rather get my wifes attention,slight change from her, but very short lived.

 

Remember she was there before you were trendy, in shape and edgier.....you are still the person that was out of shape, nontrendy and less with an edge.....that is the person that counts....the one on the inside....if the look makes you more confident then fine but shoes and a haircut don't make you smarter or wiser.....

 

 

 

work with a very pretty psychologist,.....phd. charisma,style,all that my wife does not exhibit. i have known her for two years. she was the first to encourage me to dress better. i think my down dress was a reflection of the way i felt about myself.

anyways, she seemed excited to talk with me,have a cup of coffe,lunch. i have done this with my wife countless times, and it always seemed "perfunctionary",.....more or less........so.....here i am having these lunches with the psych, and noticing" HEY....shes actually interested in what im saying,shes not belittleing me or passing swift judgement"

 

Grass is greener....that's what the pretty psychologist is....remember she doesn't live with you nor you with her...we tend to let our hair down and our bad sides show when we live with someone.....I know you are flattered and feel alive but it's not very realistic if you are comparing this woman to your wife....most men and women would seem "something special" compared to our loved ones we see every day in every situation PLUS when you experience "THE RUT" a new Wal-Mart opening is exciting!!

 

Hang in there and work this out with your wife...don't let the pretty psychologist cloud your judgement so that you don't give it your all!! Let us know how it goes!!

[brenbren]

I have been the wife un be known to me I thought my marriage was safe. yeh i knew we had a few problems but we'll get through them. then one night POW!! its like a slap across the face. I didn't realise he was so unhappy. I have tried to repair our relationship. He also had a pretty young thing at work willing and able and you know that was a shock. I thought I was the only woman on this earth he worshiped.

Nothing happened as he got retrenched but nothing was happening with him and her or I would of heard from her if it was so serious.

It still hurts but you need to talk and sort things out with wife. If nothing happens please finish that relationship and move on don't cheat please don't cheat.

[freeinternet]

To: Dude Bulb

 

1. Is "leaving the wife" just one of your manipulative behaviors to get your pretty psychologist's attention?

 

2. Are you playing "the other woman" now?