Wife left/had an affair, because of my 12 yo sister. Any thoughts?

[casyc]

First of all hello all,

 

Second I apologize for the length of the message.

 

I'm in the middle of a separation from my wife, I have read various posts looking for answers, visited a few of the web sites that where mentioned in other posts. I guess I should begin with some Basic details. Me and my wife have been married for 10 years. We are the legal guardians of my 12 yo sister. I could write a novel on our mother, so I will spare you.

 

I found email on her computer that confirmed she was having an affair with someone she met on the INTERNET. Also she has traveled twice to Washington to meet/sleep with him. My first thought (which may be typical) was divorce. I forwarded 3 of the emails to myself (guess I'm punishing myself by keeping them). One of them was an intense LOVE letter, and the other two where various graphic photos of each other.

 

When I confronted her, she told me that she has been trying to tell me for a while that she is/was unhappy. Then she did what really floors me. She started blaming my ward/sister for the majority of the problems. Granted my sister is a typical rebellious youngster who doesn't like authority. My sister never argues with us, but tends to not follow my wives instructions for housework to a "T", an arguing point between me and my wife. I feel this is a typical childhood thing, my wife says its done just to aggravate her.

 

Now back to my mother, I was raised for a few year's with her when I was younger, but vividly remember seeing her date numbers of different men, and she was not very discreet (or I was hyper vigilant) of her sexual encounters. Needless to say this put me in a hard position for trusting women. This whole childhood thing was talked about with my wife years ago, which is why it feels like a agonizing death to me to discover my wife cheating on me.

 

Well discussions with my wife about our problems always turned into its because of my sister. I don't know what my wife expects me to do. There is no-one else that will take care of my sister. She hasn't shown me any remorse about having the affair.

 

I talked to my wife about consoling she says it would be a waste of time, since my sister will never change.

My wife totally blames my sister for all problems in our marriage. She tells this to me and say she needs to get away from the house or my wife will totally destroy my sister emotionally with verbal abuse.

 

Looking at this objectively, yes all of problems did occur when my mother returned into my life with my sister, and for <severe> reasons I wont mention unless asked , I took custody of my sister.

 

Here is the kicker I love my wife so much, that I have agreed not to discuss her affair with our I'immediate family and friends. So for the last 3 days I have been hearing from my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and even my aunt whom which my wife has moved in with during the separation discuss how all the problems are related to my sister.

 

Jesus, how can a 12 year old break up a marriage, I don't see it; which my wifes points out everytI'me we talk/fight.

I can't even begin to think about whats wrong between my wife and sister because of all the anger/hurt/resentment I feel about the affair my wife had.

 

Sorry I guess I'm rambling on,

 

Any thoughts?

[moimeme]

I'm sorry to say it, but your wife is pretty pathetic to blame her affair on your sister. Clearly she can't take the blame onto herself, where it belongs. If she was having problems with taking care of your sister, it was her responsibility to tell you about it and ask you to go to counselling with her and your sister.

 

Why would you agree to hide her dirty secret and let her malign your poor sister to the rest of the family? She does not deserve your promise to hide her affair - how horrible of her to ask you! Nor does your sister deserve this sort of abusive treatment. Next family gathering, tell your wife in front of the whole crowd that you'll not hide her affair any longer. To continue to hide her lies is just sick.

[blossom]

Good sweet God...

 

I second everything Moimeme wrote.

 

I would be in a blind fury if someone dared treat me like your wife has treated you and your little 12 y/o sister. The woman is seriously warped. Take care of your sister, she needs someone she can count on, someone to love her, someone to take care of her. She is a child for God's sake. Your wife can take care of herself...or so it seems. blossom

[Reckless]

I am furious to read of such a selfish, cowardly woman (I'm sorry I know you have feeling for her but that is how your post has made me feel). Your wife betrays your trust, has a sexual affair behind your back lies, cheats, belittles herself and you and then has the gaule to blame a 12 year old child?!

 

Your sister has obviously had a difficult time and no doubt has her own issues to deal with. No teenager is anything short of difficult but she has nothing to do with your wife's adult choice to find a lover and have sexual intercours with him! Do not allow this to continue, you owe yourself, your sister and your family the truth. Your wife has done nothing to deserve the decresion and restrain you are showing.

 

Your wife said that she's been unhappy for some time, instead of dealing with the family situation like an adult, she took a lover. Every time you little sister didn't clean her room properly what did your wife do? Check into a Motel?!!! Can you see how outrageous that is?

 

Now, instead of trying admiting to being a liar and an adulteress, she sticks her head in the sand and uses a 12 year old child to win family sympathy and support!

 

Fling open the cupboards, sweep everything into the open and let the chips fly.

 

sheez!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I must also agree with Miomeme.

 

Children are very intuitive. Perhaps, like you, your sister has already sensed something about your wife...just as you were aware of your mother's behavior those many years ago. It might explain part of her rebellion, particularly if it's directed at your wife.

 

And as the 'adult,' she should be ashamed of herself for blaming her inexcusable behavior on a child. Unless your sister was taking those "provocative" photos of your wife, she is not to blame for her unhappiness or her affair.

 

If this woman refuses to accept responsibility and seek counseling, I'd remove the problem immediately. Otherwise, she'll screw up the both of you.

[moimeme]

Otherwise, she'll screw up the both of you.

 

Looks like that ship has already sailed

[yogi-mon]

All I can say is that I cant imagine what your going through.

I hope you dont have to feel bad for much longer...

[cdn]

Well there is no question that your wife has behaved badly. Several people here have told you that already. But as I read your post, here is something that jumped out at me:

 

 

Looking at this objectively, yes all of problems did occur when my mother returned into my life with my sister, and for <severe> reasons I wont mention unless asked , I took custody of my sister.

 

 

Did you take custody of your sister or did you and your wife do so? Did you receive any counseling to help you understand what your new life together would be like? Did you discuss what your new challenges were likely to be and how you would work together to resolve them?

 

I don't know how old you are or what your and your wife's plans for children are/were, but it is a huge deal to become an overnight parent and especially to a rebellious 12 year old who must come with a ton of baggage from what little you've said about your mother and the fact that you are parenting your sister in the first place.

 

Marriages change dramatically when children enter the picture. People may suddenly discover that what were once small differences of (theoretical) opinion are now major issues. Your wife may indeed have legitimate issues around the way your sister behaves and, more to the point, how you and your wife work out (or don't) issues regarding your sister. The fact is that your sister is NOT your wife's child, and it is going to take a lot of effort on everyone's part (but especially yours, I would think), to make things work.

 

 

Jesus, how can a 12 year old break up a marriage, I don't see it; which my wifes points out everytI'me we talk/fight. I can't even begin to think about whats wrong between my wife and sister because of all the anger/hurt/resentment I feel about the affair my wife had.

 

How long has your wife been trying to talk to you about your sister? Although her choice of methods leaves a lot to be desired, it would appear that she has finally gotten your attention.

 

Again, this is not to say that your wife has not acted inappropriately. She has. And if she is not willing to receive some sort of counseling with you -- not to necessarily change your sister (although family counseling may be recommended) -- but to understand why your wife chose to act out her upset through an affair and what steps you both need to take to put your relationship back on track (assuming this is both desired and feasible -- a good counselor will address this *very* early on), then I'd say there's no hope here. (What a run-on sentence - sorry!).

[wiseOLDman]

I gotta agree with all the comments above. I'll have to assume that you and your wife agreed that it would be appropriate to take your sister in. Your wife, like many people in today's society, is not taking responsibility for her acts. She's blaming others for her actions. Contact an attorney to assure that you and your sister are protected from this woman. You are willing to try to work things thru and she's not so you've done your part.

[SoleMate]

Counselling is the only hope here - both marital and family counseling. I'm sorry to say that if your wife does not agree, there is minimal chance your marriage can be saved.

 

Children do put huge stress on a marriage - even when they are born into the family as cute tiny babies. A typically or even atypically troubled adolescent is an even bigger stress, but no, it is never appropriate to "blame" a child for breaking up a marriage.

 

I usually agree with Moimeme, but I really disagree with her advice to tell the whole family about your wife's affair. I feel that this is a private matter for you and your wife. Once you start making it a matter of common knowledge, it becomes a source of unwanted conversation and advice, and will just tend to deepen your own wounds and also your wife's and sister's. If you do this as a way to punish your wife, well then...welcome to the gutter. The fact that others may already be there is hardly relevant.

 

I see three suffering people here - and yes, your wife has transgressed horribly. Have you listened to your wife's words about her suffering? And last, has your wife been evaluated for depression? It could be at the root of her anger.

 

Good luck and God bless.

[zero]

try to start an email thread with her regarding your issues.

 

That way you have things in writing. If it comes to divorce it would be a good thing for her to have written the why / what. A judge would probably like to read it. Also - keep the emails you already have.

 

"When I confronted her, she told me that she has been trying to tell me for a while that she is/was unhappy." - well she was not doing a good enough job. Sometimes somebody can do/say things they think are supposed to work - and when you dont understand them - they give up. She should have looked to other, healthier methods for letting you know she was unhappy. What she did, although somewhat common it seems, it inexcusable.

 

I would also suggest you get yourself in counceling right away. Try to get your sister involved too. It sounds like she has issues to work out and it would only help her. If all three of you could go - Im sure her and your wife would benefit from having a controlled environment to deal with their problems and conflicts....hopefully this would bring them closer together.

 

Also - taking in your sister - good for you man. I would have a really tough time with your wife. To me family is family. We make sacrifices for them. If your wife has such a tough time with it - maybe she has no idea what family really is.

 

unfortunately - without a mediator/therapist - I cant see any issues being resolved. If she wont see one - then I suggest separation right away. That way if things dont work out - you wont incur any debt she racks up following the separation.

 

good luck.

[midori]

I think that your wife's behavior is reprehensible. But you've got to look at the larger family dynamic. Why isn't your wife getting along with your sister? You mentioned your sister challenges your wife's authority. You are inclined to chalk it up to the rebelliousness of youth, but as cdn observed, that may not be at all the way your wife experiences it.

 

Not to suggest that your perceptiveness is lacking, but do consider that your own unfortunate childhood might not give you the best sense of what is "normal" for kids your sister's age, and/or what is acceptable. I think family counseling is most definitely in order. And while you and your wife should go into marriage counseling, in the end the person who needs the most help in adjusting and coping may be your sister. You mentioned dire circumstances that moved you to seek and obtain custody of your sister. Unless your mother willingly gave her up (which could be damaging to your sister in and of itself), there must have been overwhelming evidence that her home was inappropriate for your sister.

 

What has your sister been through during her short life? If she's suffering from some kind of trauma you can't reasonably expect that everything is fine with her now that you've removed her from that unhealthy environment.

 

Believe me, I'm not on your wife's "side," inasmuch as I don't think her behavior was at all justified. But now that it has happened, use this as an eye-opening opportunity to look at what is going on in your household. If your sister is having difficulty at 12, where will she be at 14, 17, 19? Her challenges to your wife's authority could be some kind of cry for help; or at least a test of your wife's devotion to her.

 

Mind you, I'm not suggesting that your sister is irreparably damaged goods. But obviously something isn't right there.

 

As for your wife, I dont' really know what to say. Is she a very jealous person, is she jealous of your sister's demands on your time and attention? What's her story? Why wasn't she able to speak to you rationally about your sister -- is that because you wouldn't listen to her, or because she isn't attuned to what's going on with your sister? The cheating is unjustifiable. The blanketing condemnations of your sister suggest insensitivity and selfishness. But they could also be a signal of frustration and feeling powerless. I think you need to do a bit of thinking -- how do you perceive your wife's character? Generally speaking is she a good person? What do you think?

[moimeme]

If your sister is having difficulty at 12,

 

Gosh! Girls are into puberty at 12 and earlier. That in itself is going to contribute to problems. I knew my ex's stepdaughter from the ages of 10 through 12 - there was a VERY big change in her outlook and personality once she started to bud. "What'll she be like at 14, etc.?" She may well be very difficult both because of puberty and because of her family situation - which is why she badly needs a female figure in her life who can understand that she's just a kid going through a rough period. My ex worked with a lot of female teachers; many of whom had daughters the same age. When they'd talk about their girls, all the women had tales to tell of difficulties with them. I'd almost be more worried if the girl had hit puberty and been exactly the same as she was before!

 

Heck, puberty for girls can be the equivalent of four years of PMS!!!

[midori]

When they'd talk about their girls, all the women had tales to tell of difficulties with them. I'd almost be more worried if the girl had hit puberty and been exactly the same as she was before!

 

Heck, puberty for girls can be the equivalent of four years of PMS!!!

 

It's a myth that all girls undergo enormous, volatile personality and temperament changes as they go through puberty. Puberty has been characterized in the West as a time of great tension and conflict. That's not true in all cultures, and it's also not always the case with girls in Western societies.

 

Given what little we know of this girl's history I think it would be a bit naive to assume that her problems can just be chalked up to puberty. Yes, she needs a caring female figure in her life. But that might not be enough. He should at least have her talking to a skilled counselor

[moimeme]

He should at least have her talking to a skilled counselor

 

Agree absolutely. Sounds like this kid is having a pretty rough time.

[casyc]

Wow, thank you all for your responses. I will try to answer as many questions as I have seen in this post. Once again sorry for the length.

Originally posted by cdn

Did you take custody of your sister or did you and your wife do so? Did you receive any counseling to help you understand what your new life together would be like? Did you discuss what your new challenges were likely to be and how you would work together to resolve them?

 

Me and my wife both have custody and guardianship of my sister. We did not receive any counseling per se to understand what life would be like together, more on this below.

Originally posted by cdn

I don't know how old you are or what your and your wife's plans for children are/were, but it is a huge deal to become an overnight parent and especially to a rebellious 12 year old who must come with a ton of baggage from what little you've said about your mother and the fact that you are parenting your sister in the first place.

Our marriage has been one battle after another (not against each other) but against common/uncommon things that happen to families. Counseling for us is a very familiar thing. We have seen many throughout our marriage but for other reasons.

 

Me I'm currently 31 my wife 38. Several years ago my wife had a cancerous growth on her uterus and had to have it removed. That was an extremely tough tI'me for us. More on us my wife come with 2 children from 2 previous marriages a daughter 19 now and a son 16.

 

My step/her daughter out of the house on her own in Florida [Another novel I could write!] Lets just say she was removed from house on 3 different occasions for drug abuse. Heck she is in trouble again now and even though me and my wife are going through this separation I have offered to take my step daughter back in.

(probably a bad idea till I get the current crisis in order i agree)

 

My step/her son lives with his father.

Originally posted by cdn

How long has your wife been trying to talk to you about your sister?

4-5 months I am told.

Originally posted by midori

Why isn't your wife getting along with your sister?

To put it plainly, I am told by my wife, because my sister doesn't listen to her. One example "She/wife will tell my sister how a particular house chore is to be performed. My sister wont complete it the way my wife explained it. Not just one mind you for this particular chore but many tI'mes. I then step in and tell my sister hey, do what my wife tells you each tI'me, and she does it. My wife says this dosen't count since it is alway a repeated offense"

Originally posted by midori

Not to suggest that your perceptiveness is lacking, but do consider that your own unfortunate childhood might not give you the best sense of what is "normal" for kids your sister's age, and/or what is acceptable. I think family counseling is most definitely in order.

Your not kidding! I would be the first to admit I am totally terrified at the thought of raising a teenage girl alone. I have been seeking consoling for my childhood since the age of 18 though the age of 25. My wife has told me she dosen't feel counseling would help, and declined my offer to seek it once more.

Originally posted by midori

What has your sister been through during her short life? If she's suffering from some kind of trauma you can't reasonably expect that everything is fine with her now that you've removed her from that unhealthy environment.

Well I guess I might as well explain the circumstances. First, let me describe me and my mother's relationship briefly:

Family tells me, my mother was born with the um-biblical cord wrapped around her neck, causing insufficient oxygen to the brain. My mother was never capable of completing high school (she has the mind of a 12 year old). When I was 9 she and my father where separated. She left with one of her boyfriends when I was 12 and didn't tell anyone where she went. Didn't hear from hear, again till I turned 28. She shows back up with a new boyfriend and my sister.

 

Let me fast foward: My sister is the victim of child molestation from my mothers boyfriend. Remember my aunt the one my wife is currently staying/living with her daughter and my sister where molested by this ba***rd. We have put hI'm in prison for the rest of his natural life (since this is his second offense) While there is was no direct proof that my mother had knowledge of this I was told by the DA that my mother was not fit parent (YEAH). Thus we have guardianship and mom has supervised visitation.

 

She sister/wife/and I have been in counseling and for this. Obviously not enough, my wife currently feels that my sister will never change and is damaged goods. I guess I feel betrayed because I stood with her and still do with the many problems we have faced with her own daughter.

 

I am having a really hard time with the betrayal and my wifes affair, I attempted to write her an email last night for 4 hours, I sat down and every sentence I wrote sounded of anger, and that is just not going to help so I decided against it.

 

Yes this is a lot to digest, restarting counseling should be, and now is at the top of my list. I will get a referral tomorrow. I am still interested in any more comments.

[EnigmaXOXO]

More on us my wife come with 2 children from 2 previous marriages a daughter 19 now and a son 16.

 

So your wife has already been married three times? Do you know if there is any history of infidelity with her other two husbands as well? It may be that she is unable to handle stress and prefers to escape or withdraw rather than confront (fight or flight). Raising teenagers is a tough job for anyone to tackle, let alone when that adolescent is a byproduct of family dysfunction or a broken home.

 

My step/her daughter out of the house on her own in Florida [Another novel I could write!] Lets just say she was removed from house on 3 different occasions for drug abuse. Heck she is in trouble again now and even though me and my wife are going through this separation I have offered to take my step daughter back in.

(probably a bad idea till I get the current crisis in order i agree)

 

I have to agree with you on this one. My opinion might be different if she were under the age of eighteen…but even so, that responsibility should then fall to one of her natural parents. Unless your adult step daughter has kicked her drug problem, it would not be a good idea to reintroduce her into your home. The amount of time and attention it would require of you to deal with all of her issues would only take away from the time and energy your sister is going to need. Not to mention the bad influence and example it will create for her.

 

Don’t overload your plate!

 

You are a wonderful example of how someone can rise above adversity and reverse the cycle of dysfunction. Instead of becoming a victim, you became a survivor. Your past lessons have served as a catalyst for change, and you can now use that knowledge and experience to help others. And by ‘helping others,’ you have found a wonderful way to feel good about yourself and heal your own painful past.

 

The problem is (and I’ve seen it before) is that while you have fallen into the role of habitual “fixer,” you will now have to learn to channel that irresistible desire to ‘rescue’ every damsel in distress that you meet. You must NOT allow yourself to slip into martyrdom. Otherwise, you will attract…and gravitate towards…only those wounded individuals who possess those qualities that are oh-so-familiar to you.

 

To put it plainly, I am told by my wife, because my sister doesn't listen to her. One example "She/wife will tell my sister how a particular house chore is to be performed. My sister wont complete it the way my wife explained it.

 

You have just described every kid between the age of nine and eighteen! What parent hasn’t engaged in some battle when it came to getting their child to clean their room, do their homework or finish their chores! My guess is that she listens to you because, as the older brother, you are both family and father figure to her. I don’t think she’s playing favorites, rather I think she respects your authority a bit more. Girls naturally tend to challenge their mothers and other female siblings. I know, having come from a family with all girls and having had a daughter of my own. “Just wait till your father comes home” was the theme song in our households!

 

She sister/wife/and I have been in counseling and for this. Obviously not enough, my wife currently feels that my sister will never change and is damaged goods. I guess I feel betrayed because I stood with her and still do with the many problems we have faced with her own daughter.

 

Ouch!

 

I can only hope this isn’t the message your wife has literally been sending to your little sister. What she’s been through is bad enough. The last thing she needs is someone to make her feel guilty, dirty and responsible for the things she was not able to control. True, she was victimized by someone who was “damaged,” and is the product of a dysfunctional environment, but it doesn’t mean she’s ruined for life. It is imperative for her recovery that she receive as much positive reinforcement as you can provide.

 

Working with these wounded children can be very difficult if you only have a few hours to spend with them a week…and then must send them back into the dysfunctional environments from which they came. Fortunately, she has been removed from her previous situation, but now you must work hard to make her new home a safe and healthy sanctuary. Even if it means the exclusion of your wife and her 19-year-old daughter. It’s also very important that you and your sister continue to receive support and reinforcement from a qualified therapist.

 

In regards to your wife, I can imagine after what she’s been through with her own daughter that she must already be emotionally exhausted (been there). Perhaps the ‘fear’ of having to go through this again with another teenager is more than she can bare. But it does NOT excuse the method of escape that she chose. Unless she is willing to join you in counseling and learn how to work with you as a ‘united front,’ there is little hope that you will be able to rescue both your marriage and your sister. Choose your battles carefully, and focus your energy on one problem at a time.

 

Lovers and friends will come and go. But family is forever. Your sister deserves a chance, and you’re the only one that can give that to her.

 

Good luck, Casy. You’re my hero, too! And my heart and prayers go out to both of you…