How does one heal from loving a commitmentphobe?

[jb1173]

After many discussions with friends I finally realized that I was in love with and dumped by a commitmentphobe.

 

I read a couple of articles on the topic as well (example: http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html), and he pretty much fit the typical pattern. He came on strong, was very affectionate and attentive, confessed his love first to me and early on, lavished me with gifts and nights out and suggested moving in with him. I bought it all...hook, line and sinker. I was/am completely in love with him.

 

Then, bam! In a flick of a switch it was over, with no fights or anything that would indicate a reason for his sudden change of heart. The reason he gave was that he couldn't see us working out long-term.

 

This experience really messes with the mind and heart. It leaves one doubting if they can ever trust the words or actions of another person again. I feel more cynical than ever about love, true intimacy, trust and vulnerability. I doubt my ability to trust the sincerity and motives of others. How can I move past this to be able to trust someone again?

[caramel c]

OMG, another one! There are a few of us here who recently got dumped by a CP. I don't know how I am going to move on from this. All I know is that I HAVE TO. Any advice is welcome. I am not over it yet. It is completely devastating. My situation was what you described - all wonderful with him making all the moves and treating me extra special and no fighting. My feelings were right along with his. And then all of the sudden BOOM, we can't be together. Why? I still don't know, this is the only thing that makes sense though, is that he's commitment phobic. In his terms he said he had doubts and major anxiety and it wasnt going away, he feared that we would not last...when I asked him why in a million different ways he could not answer.

 

So, we can support each other but HOW WILL WE GO ON??!

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

Another one here! My ex and I were together 18 years from highschool, lived together 10 years, engaged 8 years and there is the CP right there! We (FINALLY) set the date to marry and two weeks later.....

 

Off he ran! For the hills, no proper reasons, no problems, no arguments, nothing! He said "it all feels a bit real" "I'm scared"! 18 YEARS what did he think we were doing, he is CP but specifically Gamophobic (marriage). Looking back always an excuse whenever setting the date came up!

 

How do we get passed it? Well, I read He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and whilst I'm no passive avoider it helped me to understand his internal conflicts.

 

I'm 6 months in (this week), it's still hard, kind of like being hit by a bus and still dragging myself out from under it.

 

The realisiation of how to move on for me was firstly understanding his conflicts and thought procesess and then I realised that there is so much better out there, there is someone out there that can offer you true intimacy and love you wholeheartedly, the way you deserve to be loved. Other than that, a good counsellor and one day at a time!

[broken_promises]

Ugh... we should start a separate forum on here for survivors of CP. I just went through the exact same thing, jb. And I have posted here previously about how to trust again. Seriously, this has really messed with me on such a profound level. All I can think is how am I going to believe the next guy who says all the right things, tells me he wants a future together, etc.? I hate that feeling of being duped and now never knowing who is really wanting a future and who just WANTS to want a future, but when the time for commitment comes, he is going to bail.

 

I am still so angry about this, so I haven't yet figured out how to get over the whole situation. The only thing I can say is that all the reading I have done since the breakup on commitmentphobes will hopefully help me spot the red flags next time. The hard thing about CP though is that a lot of the red flags are what we think is supposed to happen at the beginning of a relationship.

 

I just keep going back over the course of our relationship now that I know the signs of CP and wishing I could have broken up with him at so many places along the way. Or knew not to believe him when he made it out that all of his other failed relationships shouldn't be considered because *I* was different than anyone else he had been with. I know I won't fall for that one again.

 

I'm sorry you are having to go through this... it is really painful because, even when you know that it is for the best and know they never would have been able to commit to you, it is so hard to think back to all the "right" things that were said and all the promises that were made and not feel completely upset over what you lost.

[Surfer Girl]

Another naive CP Victim..... Once I realized what he was.... I realized all the signs were there but did not understand at the time.... the rejection really hit my self esteem.... What helped me is knowing it wasn't about me.... it really was about him and his issues.... and I feel some what sorry of someone that cannot find a content and mature love, I don't think he even realizes he is a CP.... and unless he does.... he will continuely fail in relationships hurting himself and others.... It still hurts after 5 weeks NC knowing if he could recognize and help himself we may have had a chance..... Knowledge is power....

[georgia girl]

Count me in the CP groupie club! My ex is still lingering around and working on a "second chance" but it seems more and more unlikely every day.

 

I've been reading "He's Scared, She's Scared," which a few others recommended and that's been the best therapy. (BF/ex hates it - hits a little too close to the bone for him.)

 

I think we have to realize that a) these guys aren't the men we fell in love and b) we may have chosen them deliberately to keep someone at arm's length. I know that my guy is still a wonderful man in many respects, but the words I used to describe him by - generous, thoughtful, compassionate - are being slowly replaced by selfish, dispassionate and unwilling to grow. I truly did get the best of him, but that was likely over six months ago and we've only been broken up for three months! Also, I am starting to realize that I have too many ideals about the man I'll choose. I am too picky, too easily scared off and have lousy taste in men. I think it's because I've never had a man in my life NOT let me down. Therefore, I really just don't want to rely on one long term.

 

Believe it or not, that realization and the scary thought of being alone for the rest of my life is a whole lot worse than having someone dump me. Even though we're trying again, I'm not committed to this relationship.

[Serena2009]

I'm another CP survivor. It's been 4 weeks since he unexpecedly "reappeared" after 5 weeks NC. I began to realize that he may be CP during the relationship and like Lisa, I read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on. My guy is a classic case, mid forties, never married . . . Anyway, having something to reference to (CP) regarding his seemingly bizarre behavior was very helpful. I know that I didn't cause the break-up and I know there's nothing I can do to mend things until and unless he faces his issue and works toward health. So . . . like Surfer Girl, I do feel sorry for him in that it must be difficult for him, what goes on in his mind, that is. I also know that he'll never have a normal relationship and will remain this way even within a marriage unless he gets some serious help. And. . . I know I can't be his therapist since I represent the source of his anxiety. It hurts and I'm still trying to let go.

[t0ri]

My ex's behavior fits the description of the original poster's link to that article! I've never read about, or thought my ex was CP because we dated for over two years. Does the amount of time you dated matter? That article described my ex to a T! The more that I think about it, the more I think he may be a CP. I'll have to read up more on it.

 

Sorry to those of you that are hurting I'm right there with you.

[Losing Faith]

Ladies, add me to the group of CP survivers. My ex and I have been going around w/ this the last 3 years. Things will be good for awhile... then I guess we get too close cause he goes running for no 'real' reason. Then as I am starting to get on my feet again, there he is, sweeping me off my feet again. I have such a weakness for him!!! Darn it! I have to learn to stop hoping!!!

 

Georgia Girl brings up some good points... and I know how your feelings toward your CP is changing... I am starting to get there too.

 

I think we have to realize that a) these guys aren't the men we fell in love and b) we may have chosen them deliberately to keep someone at arm's length. I know that my guy is still a wonderful man in many respects, but the words I used to describe him by - generous, thoughtful, compassionate - are being slowly replaced by selfish, dispassionate and unwilling to grow.

 

Serena also makes some great points too...

 

I know that I didn't cause the break-up and I know there's nothing I can do to mend things until and unless he faces his issue and works toward health. So . . . like Surfer Girl, I do feel sorry for him in that it must be difficult for him, what goes on in his mind, that is. I also know that he'll never have a normal relationship and will remain this way even within a marriage unless he gets some serious help. And. . . I know I can't be his therapist since I represent the source of his anxiety. It hurts and I'm still trying to let go.

 

So does Surfer Girl

 

Another naive CP Victim..... Once I realized what he was.... I realized all the signs were there but did not understand at the time.... the rejection really hit my self esteem.... What helped me is knowing it wasn't about me.... it really was about him and his issues.... and I feel some what sorry of someone that cannot find a content and mature love, I don't think he even realizes he is a CP.... and unless he does.... he will continuely fail in relationships hurting himself and others.... It still hurts after 5 weeks NC knowing if he could recognize and help himself we may have had a chance..... Knowledge is power....

 

God bless all of us! We can do this, we can get past this and find real love with someone that doesn't have these issues!

[jb1173]

Yowsa! There sure are a lot of scared little boys running around out there, breaking a lot of hearts! This commitment phobia seems to afflict men in greater numbers than women.

 

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I wasn't with my ex very long before he revealed his true phobic self. It doesn't make the missing him any easier or the self-doubt any easier. All the wondering about how to trust the words, actions and intentions of the next guy that seems to be saying and doing all the right things.

 

I'll tell you what was a real kick in the teeth. Just a couple of weeks after he dumped me I get a message from my friend who had favorited him on match.com telling me that he had reactivated his profile and was back online trolling for women. We didn't meet online. In fact, while we were friends first, he told me that he had really bad luck with online dating and got very few responses from women he contacted, and the ones he did were pretty "off". He would rather go back to online dating, grasping at straws, than to stay with a woman who adored and loved him. The message is that he would rather date anyone but me. That stings. Really stings.

[Serena2009]

@jb1173 -- Regarding the online dating profile, mine had and now has a couple of those too. (We didn't meet through online dating either, BTW) It doesn't bother me at all. For some, it's a way of fantasy land dating from behind a screen where you're safe and never have to actually meet the people you're viewing or communicating with. And . . . didn't he tell you he had really bad luck with that venue??!! So, I doubt he's on there to actually meet prospective partners!! It's probably more of an ego trip to see who views him and tags him as a favorite.

 

@Georgia Girl -- I read your post on the other thread. I can certainly understand your reservations about plunging in. I've thought about it myself and don't know how I'll truly react if mine reappears even though I miss him and the relationship, or maybe who I thought he and the relationship were. My instincts tell me that he will reappear because as you said in the other post. CP's are the ones who come back because they can't commit to the break-up! I read that tonight and I just couldn't stop laughing. It struck me with just how bass ackwards their behavior is!! It defies logic. They're so in love that they just have to bail!! My guys statement to me sums it up perfectly: I can't believe you want to continue because what if it deteriorates!! Frankly, I can't believe that he doesn't recognize just how abnormal his thinking is that I would agree with such an illogical thought. He's a very intelligent guy too!! I guess his IQ is not so high when it comes to intimate relationsips with women.

 

@ caramel c -- Re: immodium ad, you made me laugh very hard!! I've got a similar story but unfortunately I can't post it publicly!

[kimbop]

So how do I get a membership to this club of CP disaster victims?

 

I thought it was about immaturity at first until his true side was exposed....... actually I thought he was just a big a**hole, and he was the one who admitted that he may have commitment issues.

 

It seems that being involved with these men have brought nothing but heartache and Ben & Jerry profit gain. Now I watch sappy movies/dramas that have happily-ever-after endings so I feel hope that love can conquer all. It's nice not to face reality for just a time being that love won't leave a path of destruction that can scar one's soul.

[Serena2009]

@kimbop -- You just made me thing of a movie analogy. Being in a relationship with a CP is like watching a romantic and passionate beautiful love story on screen where all of the sudden, mid-way through the show, the screen goes blank, the room gets dark, the lights come on and you leave the theatre never knowing what happened in the end.

[kimbop]

Serena, hopefully the real ending is that we meet men who will treasure us and won't treat us like fetid dog crap.

 

Who am I kidding. I want my ex to have an epiphany and realize that he was a douche and fix his irrational phobia. But then again he can be abducted by aliens and get this realization via anal probe. Both scenerios sound unlikely but one can only hope.......

[jb1173]

@kimbop -- You just made me thing of a movie analogy. Being in a relationship with a CP is like watching a romantic and passionate beautiful love story on screen where all of the sudden, mid-way through the show, the screen goes blank, the room gets dark, the lights come on and you leave the theatre never knowing what happened in the end.

 

Man, you hit the nail right on the head!

 

I've tried to figure out the source of my ex's fear and the reason for fleeing. Not that I'll ever really know. When we met he had been separated from his ex-wife for a year and a half, and divorced for a year. They were married for like five years and she left him. Perhaps it was simply too soon for him to be ready to move on. He made her sound like a very cold and selfish woman -- very different from my warm and giving nature. Of course it is painful to realize that if such a time should ever come when he is finally ready for an actual relationship, he will be with someone else. It really pains my heart to think about that.

[marmaliade]

Hello. I also have problems with my ex, who is CP. question. do they ever change? Because this kind of relationship is exhausting like hell.

[phoenix1]

Of course it is painful to realize that if such a time should ever come when he is finally ready for an actual relationship, he will be with someone else. It really pains my heart to think about that.

 

This is one of my greatest fears. That all that I went through with him, and he did learn a lot from me, I think, will be the benefit of the next woman he is with. That they will live out all the dreams that were supposed to be ours. That, I think almost more than anything, just cuts me to the core.

 

Yes, add me in to this unforunate group. My ex is definitely CP. I've known this for awhile. During one of our break ups he acknowledged that he had "intimacy issues" but then stated, "they're not a problem for me". Ughh, just give up.

[irishsimon]

This experience really messes with the mind and heart. It leaves one doubting if they can ever trust the words or actions of another person again. I feel more cynical than ever about love, true intimacy, trust and vulnerability. I doubt my ability to trust the sincerity and motives of others. How can I move past this to be able to trust someone again?

 

Is it ok if a guy chimes in here...

 

I think this is a real problem once you have been on the receiving end of CP or BPD. My ex ex who i was with for 5 yrs was BPD and also bipolar. I left that relationship with major insecurity plus issues surrounding intimacy and love. After a two year sabatical where I thought I had dealt with it, I was totally lost when I realised I had taken all that into my most recent realtionship and screwed that up. She probably thinks I'm commitment phobic as I displayed a few of the traits in the article. As another poster said, its hard to see the difference as these things are what you expect at the start.

 

I was totally in love and wanted it to last. I'm 38..I thought I had possibly met someone who I could at least spend a considerable amount of time with. I have my issues but I was afraid things would just turn out the same way again after my previous nightmare. I would give and give and then get dumped or abused. She was very cautious due to her own issues ..as she puts it. I think she was simply unavailable and that frightened me. So while I may have displayed a few CP traits and paniced then withdrew - I didn't run away, but she withdrew straight away and there's only ever one outcome in that situation.

 

So now I think that I'm choosing the wrong women.

 

Have a look at this website..its really very good. And also very scary.

 

http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

[Serena2009]

@kimbop -- "I want my ex to have an epiphany and realize that he was a douche and fix his irrational phobia. But then again he can be abducted by aliens and get this realization via anal probe. Both scenerios sound unlikely but one can only hope....... "

 

This is what plays through my mind too!! I hope for an epiphany and a self made decision for behavioral change. It probably is unlikely though. When my guy arrived unexpectedly, although he said he made a mistake with the break-up and took responsibility for sabotaging the relationship, he also said, I don't know if letting you go is the right thing to do. So . . . he came back still unsure of whether he wants in or out, in other words, unchanged.

 

@phoenix1 -- " This is one of my greatest fears. That all that I went through with him, and he did learn a lot from me, I think, will be the benefit of the next woman he is with."

 

This is one of the thoughts that has crossed my mind too!! I know its a selfish one and I'm trying to get rid of it. But. . . I did invest alot into healing irrational and self defeating thoughts and beliefs when they were presented and the thought that someone else may get the return on the investment . . . oh well . . . whatever happens happens. I also know I had alot more to give that he'll miss out on too and I'm sure its the same for you.

 

@irishsimon -- It's CERTAINLY OK if a guy chimes in here!! This experience is not exclusive to women. It sounds like your reaction in your recent relationship wasn't just due to you. If she remained emotionally withdrawn, it's understandable why you remained withdrawn as well. The thing with CP behavior is a bit different. In the beginning, they're ALL IN and they act and even believe that they've found their one and only. They get to a level of emotional attachment that produces real panic and anxiety and then WHAM, they bail. It doesn't sound like that's what you're doing. It sounds more like you're being cautious in the beginning which I don't think is a bad thing. I wish I had been more cautious before diving head first into this relationship!!

[jb1173]

In the beginning, they're ALL IN and they act and even believe that they've found their one and only. They get to a level of emotional attachment that produces real panic and anxiety and then WHAM, they bail. ..... I wish I had been more cautious before diving head first into this relationship!!

 

I struggle with this too -- with my own culpability in accepting the fast pace in which I allowed my ex to lead the relationship. It went against my better judgment, which I threw out the window because I was so head-over-heels in love with him.

[caramel c]

I struggle with this too -- with my own culpability in accepting the fast pace in which I allowed my ex to lead the relationship. It went against my better judgment, which I threw out the window because I was so head-over-heels in love with him.

 

Me too! To think, how guarded I was in previous relationships. How most guys could not get me to open up and really fall for them. How none of them really got a fair chance with me. Till IDIOTBOY came along. I felt it, I felt it was real and true and wonderful. I did not stop his advances, even though he was moving fast, in every way but physically. It felt natural. I said I love you right back, in the beginning of the second month...it went on like that till the end.

 

From now on, who knows how I will be in relationships. I guess that depends on the guy I'm with, and there is no way I can plan that out right now. We'll see.

 

And for you guys too, there is really no way to know.

[Heartford]

Hey, this is a great thread, even though sad to see how many of us are going thru the same type of heartache.

 

I'm trying to move forward from a bf who definately has issues with commitment, and reminding myself that they are his issues helps alot, even though I realize that at some level I must have issues as well, for choosing such a guy and then not bailing when I first saw how he treated our relationship. I find myself slipping into examining everything I've done that has caused him to just disappear, then come back, disappear, then come back, but I think he sets it up so perfectly, so that I'm left with that doubt, that doubt that it's him mistreating me, but that it's me causing his behavior.

 

This time he told me he was going away on what sounded like a completely legit 2 day trip, and even made plans ahead of time to get together at a specific day/time when he returned (planning ahead is something he does not do) and then BAM, he's gone. His phone is off, he hasn't returned calls or texts. It's been many days. While I worry he's injured or something, the more likely explanation is that he lied about his little trip and is off on a big one and for some reason wouldn't tell me. I could contact his friends/family to ask where he might be, but he'd be really angry if I did that, let alone humiliating for me.

 

Right before this has happened he came swooping in with gifts and flowers, etc etc, then this.

 

What does he get out of this behavior? How on earth do I respond? I guess I have the same question as the OP, how do I get over this type of treatment without letting my mind twist up and think it's somehow my fault?

[jb1173]

This time he told me he was going away on what sounded like a completely legit 2 day trip, and even made plans ahead of time to get together at a specific day/time when he returned (planning ahead is something he does not do) and then BAM, he's gone. His phone is off, he hasn't returned calls or texts. It's been many days. While I worry he's injured or something, the more likely explanation is that he lied about his little trip and is off on a big one and for some reason wouldn't tell me.

 

Sorry, I couldn't help but think of this video...

[Heartford]

Lol that's funny! I can't imagine forgetting my bf was going on a vacation like that.

 

In my case, he's done this before, leaving for a weekend or whatnot without telling me, so that's why I'm not THAT fearful he's injured somewhere (oh geeeeee). We talked about it and I told him how it makes me feel when he does that. Before this, after all his flowers etc I also told him that I'd like to spend some time together and that I'm feeling vulnerable. And this is what happens. I feel like I wrote a list of ammo he could use that would hurt me, and he followed it to a tee.

[jb1173]

Heartford, I am convinced that when a commitmentphobic man/woman realizes his partner is vulnerable is when he/she is most likely to go running for the hills. They realize they are needed for more than just romance, and that makes the relationship feel real and serious. "Oh crap, this isn't all fun and light anymore! Get me outta here!"