How does one heal from loving a commitmentphobe?

[Heartford]

Update on my situation (he made plans when for us when he was supposedly returning from a short trip, that day came and went with no word from him - I left a few VMs and a text asking if he's ok - his phone was off). Well yesterday, days after he should've been back, he texted that he's on his way back but doesn't have his phone charger with him. That's all he said.

I haven't heard a word since.

No apology for causing me concern, no explanation for where he's been, and no 'hey, lets get together.'

[seoa]

When they acknowledge their fears, agree to work on it and give every appearance of doing so, is it just another cycle?

You're not gonna get impartial advice here - we're all hoping our CP does exactly this, so we're all gonna tell you to stick with it. Whether that's the right advice or not...

 

edit: but actually working on it is surely as good a sign as you're going to get... that's what I'd want as a minimum requirement from my CP (should he return)...

 

I'm getting more and more content without my guy, but I wonder if I'm fooling myself because we're dating again.

Yes, you are (probably). Denial is a wonderful country, and I have been living there a lot recently... When I'm there, I can convince myself that I'm not that fussed if he comes back, that I'll move on, etc - but I'm fooling myself - I only feel that strong when I'm thinking we're not really over.

 

Of course, as a coping mechanism, I see the value and don't plan to tell myself that that's what's going on(!), but what you've got going is somewhat more than that.

 

It's hard to know how you can build that trust in him again, when the only thing that will prove he is trustworthy is time... And how not to be angry in the interrim...?

 

I don't know... But I do sympathise, and offer my support, for what it's worth...

[Surfer Girl]

So I must ask... he may know his problem... but it may take more than knowing the problem.... What is he doing to change it? Are you going to counseling? Is he just saying it? It is one thing to acknowledge it, it is another to change it????

[leap83]

I'm right there with you all. I don't know if mine is a commitment phobe but he certainly IS scared of entering a relationship. Past. Past. Past. I have moved on. I believe he needs counseling for his issues, but I don't want to bother trying to get him to do that. So instead, I'm waiting for 2 weeks, until we meet again - this is going to happen - and then I'll behave like nothing happened. I'll see what he says. I hope he has the balls to tell me how messed up he is and how he needs help. I'm hoping he's not dating anyone else because of the pain he might cause to someone else. I really am hoping he's working on these issues.... Praying actually... *shakes head*

[georgia girl]

Not sure this is posting or not. he's reading, "He's Scared, She's Scared," with me. At first he mocked it, but now he's talking to me about it a little bit. Cognitively, he gets that his fears are irrational. (At least that's what he said.) Because we live in backwoods Georgia, it's hard to go to a counselor here without the whole county knowing about it.

 

I'm trying to be better about my frustration and anger. I posted before that if you agree to get back into a relationship, you can't beat the person over the head all of the time. Mostly, I air my frustrations here.

 

I am starting to trust him... very, very slowly. I want to make this work.

[Serena2009]

Not sure this is posting or not. he's reading, "He's Scared, She's Scared," with me. At first he mocked it, but now he's talking to me about it a little bit. Cognitively, he gets that his fears are irrational. (At least that's what he said.) Because we live in backwoods Georgia, it's hard to go to a counselor here without the whole county knowing about it.

 

I am starting to trust him... very, very slowly. I want to make this work.

 

Georgia Girl -- You say want to make this work and he's verablizing that his fears are irrational. I'd say, give him a chance but don't go all in yourself just yet. Steven Carter who co-authored the books was himself commitment phobic, and he changed. From what I've read, there may be more chance for change during middle age and your guy is at least at some level cognizant of his issues. Even if you're in the backwoods, counselors are bound to confidentiality so that shouldn't be an issue. But. . . finding someone who is skilled in treating this may be. I'd say give him a chance but don't invest yourself fully until you see genuine change. If it were me and my guy had cognizant awareness and was willing to go to counseling and work on it, I'd give it a chance.

[irishsimon]

Georgia Girl -- I'd say give him a chance but don't invest yourself fully until you see genuine change. If it were me and my guy had cognizant awareness and was willing to go to counseling and work on it, I'd give it a chance.

 

You all seem so willing to give your guys a chance. I'm so jealous! It's nice to see. Guys can change and even if they are doing it just for you at the start, so what.. they will eventually start doing it for themselves.

[D-Lish]

I have dated a few guys like this over the years.

I have learned that if a guy comes on too strong too soon, has all the right things to say, makes references to our future in the first few dates- He's going to be one of those guys that walks off when things get too close for comfort.

 

Most of these guys have patterns, and if you date them for longer than 3 months (usually the first time they pull away)- then you'll actually see the push-pull pattern play out over the course of your relationship.

 

If I go on a date with a man and he's in his 30's and he tells me he has had a succession of 2 year relationships- I cringe. Always on the quest to find the perfect partner- but their standards are so beyond reality that no one will fit the bill.

 

I spent 3 months of bliss with my last guy- everything was awesome. Then x-mas came- the possibilities of meeting family- we'd shared some super intimate and revealing moments... and boom. I believe I actually witnessed his change, like physically. Nothing was the same after that and when he pulled away I just broke it off to save face for myself.

Yes- that was last x-mas- and he's still in and out of my life. He loves me, he doesn't know what he wants, he isn't ready to settle down...But he doesn't want me to leave him either.

 

I don't believe these guys change. I think the allure to "us" is that we want them to so badly that it clouds our logic.

 

All that crap about them- all of their deep-seeded issues~ that belongs to them. We have to realize that. The holding on, pining for them, taking them back... That issue belongs to US, and we need to take responsibility for keeping them in our lives (even if it's just missing them).

 

I think a small percent can change. But personally- I don't want to play the odds or waste time and energy on a guy that's most likely going to break my heart or leave me at the alter.

[phoenix1]

Denial is a wonderful country, and I have been living there a lot recently... When I'm there, I can convince myself that I'm not that fussed if he comes back, that I'll move on, etc - but I'm fooling myself - I only feel that strong when I'm thinking we're not really over.

 

...

 

Oh this so true for me. Somehow if I think he's coming back (and he has before) or if he loves me, or is in pain like me, I feel like I can move on better. I think, "OK now I can let go". Or that's what I tell myself.

 

But the truth is I'm a junkie that's getting enough of my fix to get by......it's only when I really believe he is truly GONE, or like now when he has started seeing someone else, that I lose it. My denial gets broken and I am left with the thought of, he's gone FOREVER, not just a few weeks or few months, that I will somehow get through. Reality starts to set in and I realize he will not be in my life now, not ever. And then I lose it!

 

We have broken up 3 times, but I think this is it. And I am nothing short of devastated.

[jb1173]

D-Lish, you said it perfectly. Thank you!

[D-Lish]

D-Lish, you said it perfectly. Thank you!

 

Hope it helps a tiny bit.

I honestly believe that the most productive way to start healing is to reconcile with the notion that this is his deficiency.

If he truly is a CP- there is nothing you could have said or done, or not done....been or not been.... Nothing.

 

It's "in him" to run. It's no reflection on you.

 

He'll probably do it to someone else...and someone else...and so on.

 

When he comes back to you, and he most likely will~ you can say no. That's your power right there.

[georgia girl]

D-Lish,

 

I agree with nearly everything you have said, but I have to say (and I may so regret this later), that sometimes commitment phobes get old enough, weary enough with their own lifestyle and less emotional that they can change. I won't say it will be easy and I don't take this on myself - it's not my job to change him.

 

As I said before, I approached reconciliation very trepidatiously and I continue to do so. If any of the BS starts, I'm outta here. But if he will genuinely work on things, I will stick around. I think he is doing that. Personally, I think he's finally lost enough in his life that the change is inevitable. Plus, I value myself enough that I won't tolerate being treated badly and he knows that. So, I think he truly knows that I will simply walk away a second time and there is no other option.

 

We all have to deal with these men in our way, I believe. Looking at the relationship, the attitude towards change and the parameters we're willing to negotiate with our partners.

 

But believe me, D-Lish, I think you make excellent, excellent points and I do believe commitment phobes should have to wear some sort of scarlet letter to warn us!

[Serena2009]

I have dated a few guys like this over the years.

I have learned that if a guy comes on too strong too soon, has all the right things to say, makes references to our future in the first few dates- He's going to be one of those guys that walks off when things get too close for comfort.

 

Most of these guys have patterns, and if you date them for longer than 3 months (usually the first time they pull away)- then you'll actually see the push-pull pattern play out over the course of your relationship.

 

If I go on a date with a man and he's in his 30's and he tells me he has had a succession of 2 year relationships- I cringe. Always on the quest to find the perfect partner- but their standards are so beyond reality that no one will fit the bill.

 

I spent 3 months of bliss with my last guy- everything was awesome. Then x-mas came- the possibilities of meeting family- we'd shared some super intimate and revealing moments... and boom. I believe I actually witnessed his change, like physically. Nothing was the same after that and when he pulled away I just broke it off to save face for myself.

Yes- that was last x-mas- and he's still in and out of my life. He loves me, he doesn't know what he wants, he isn't ready to settle down...But he doesn't want me to leave him either.

 

I don't believe these guys change. I think the allure to "us" is that we want them to so badly that it clouds our logic.

 

All that crap about them- all of their deep-seeded issues~ that belongs to them. We have to realize that. The holding on, pining for them, taking them back... That issue belongs to US, and we need to take responsibility for keeping them in our lives (even if it's just missing them).

 

I think a small percent can change. But personally- I don't want to play the odds or waste time and energy on a guy that's most likely going to break my heart or leave me at the alter.

 

D-Lish -- You've made an excellent summary of CP behavior patterns. I agree, most don't change. The odds are much for change in middle age when they recognize its not quite so easy to jump partner to partner and/or they realize and decide it's a time in their life when they really want to settle down with one partner and not spend the rest of their years alone. Even this being the case, it's difficult because their instinct is to flee when it gets too close. I say its difficult, but not impossible. And you are right. The change has to come totally fro the CP partner. The only hope for these relationships to fluorish is to completely disengage when dumped. (They all seem to want to maintain a friedship so they have you waiting in the wings.) And. . . if the opportunity presents itself to reconcile, the dumpee must set firm boundaries and only re-establish the relationship if the CP is willing to do it on the dumpees terms. I believe a good recommendation for terms of re-establishment is counseling. People can come to a point in their life when they recognize their issues and want to change. This is much different than the CP who comes bounding back in unchanged and the dumpee accepts him/her back without first establishing firm boundaries and new terms.

[georgia girl]

Anyone here wish they would have a forum on LoveShack for commitment phobes and their partners. I find myself trolling the threads to find more related to this topic. And last night, my ex made the comment that while there was a forum for me, there wasn't one for him. He said he thought if commitment phobes could interact with other phobes, they might begin to see that they do overreact to stimulus in a relationship. (He knows about LS but doesn't know my screen name. I'm not giving up that privacy yet).

 

FYI: we talked last night about counseling. In reading the book, we can both see how counseling would be very beneficial (duh, I knew that). So, we're going to look for a counselor in an adjacent city who works specifically with couples and commitment fear. he's going to go first, then us together but I'm very happy.

[CLC2008]

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4724.html

[Serena2009]

Anyone here wish they would have a forum on LoveShack for commitment phobes and their partners. I find myself trolling the threads to find more related to this topic. And last night, my ex made the comment that while there was a forum for me, there wasn't one for him. He said he thought if commitment phobes could interact with other phobes, they might begin to see that they do overreact to stimulus in a relationship. (He knows about LS but doesn't know my screen name. I'm not giving up that privacy yet).

 

FYI: we talked last night about counseling. In reading the book, we can both see how counseling would be very beneficial (duh, I knew that). So, we're going to look for a counselor in an adjacent city who works specifically with couples and commitment fear. he's going to go first, then us together but I'm very happy.

 

Georgia Girl -- This is VERY good news!! I found an old BB on CP. It's no longer active but may be useful in some way.

 

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=15806&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

[Surfer Girl]

Georgia Girl..... I do hope the best for you.... and you are one of the first that I have seen with CP... that he recognizes it and is willing to deal with it... please give us updates on how he can overcome that fear.... it will help getting a perspective from a CP.....

[seoa]

...last night, my ex made the comment that while there was a forum for me, there wasn't one for him. He said he thought if commitment phobes could interact with other phobes, they might begin to see that they do overreact to stimulus in a relationship.

if my CP ever comes back (here's hoping) how about we put them in touch - a CP "play date" if you will...

 

that's such good news about him agreeing to counselling... i really hope it goes well for you both...

[Ruby Slippers]

*raises hand*

 

I got the CP bait & switch, too. What a mind****!

 

I think it's a rite of passage for the modern woman. Being with a CP, though very painful, provides an EXCELLENT series of lessons that helps you learn to see through men's bull****.

 

Not all men are full of ****, but a lot of them are. (Women, too.)

[mickleb]

I've decided all they can offer is 'casual love'.

 

It's like casual sex vs 'meaningful' sex. Makes you feel high and excitable for a bit but, afterwards, you wonder why the f*ck you bothered. And you KNOW it's beneath you.

[leap83]

I've reached a certain stage today in my life - to keep him or not keep him in it? He's on a vacation right now and coming back on Thursday I believe (if I'm not mistaken). He said he would call - I'm not buying it but he always does what he says. Right now, I'm at that stage where I don't care if he calls or doesn't - my feelings for him have virtually vanished and I feel content with myself. But for some reason, I still think about him and wonder what I should do if/when he calls. Should I pick up? Should I let him leave a message and not call back - then let him call again, and then call him a week later? I know that this guy will leave me alone if he notices that I don't want to talk - he respects me greatly. But damn... this is a tough choice.

 

I'm in NC zone right now btw. Don't know how to handle the situation. Reading "He's Scared, She's Scared." And cringe at the thought of him calling. :S

[Trialbyfire]

Hope it helps a tiny bit.

I honestly believe that the most productive way to start healing is to reconcile with the notion that this is his deficiency.

If he truly is a CP- there is nothing you could have said or done, or not done....been or not been.... Nothing.

 

It's "in him" to run. It's no reflection on you.

 

He'll probably do it to someone else...and someone else...and so on.

 

When he comes back to you, and he most likely will~ you can say no. That's your power right there.

Good stuff, D-Lish!

 

To add to this, none of you have changed. You're still the same person, before and after your experience. If each and every one of you were to sit down and think hard about red flags, you can be guaranteed there were some, which each person subsequently ignored due to rose-coloured beer goggles.

 

Not every relationship is meant to last forever so don't let this one bad experience destroy who you are. Trust in yourself.